6th century
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This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.
Represented here are the time periods from 501 to 600.
The 6th century continues to be a time of constant warfare, reassuring people that everything remains much the same and giving cynics smug smiles. The Byzantine Empire seeks to regain lands once held by the old Roman Empire, looking for more people to tax to bolster its treasury. The Sassanids of Persia expand their territories, looking for new people to play the newly invented backgammon and chess. They would eventually meet, leading to the invention of crooked dice. The Avars are on the move in the Balkans as are the Visigoths in Spain, merrily looting and burning after having learned the correct order for performing those tasks.
Chronology[edit]
501 to 510[edit]
“ There is nothing better than true love in the whole world. Except a nice MLT. Mutton, lettuce, and tomato when the mutton is nice and lean and the lettuce is nice and crisp. Ohhh, you can't beat it.”
- c.500 – King Arthur defeats a horde of hissing heathens at the Battle of Badon. Arthur claims he will now 'kick out the Anglo-Saxon scum' for good.
- 501 – Teotihuacan begins to decline with the number of taco wagons reaching an all time low.
- 501 – The Mayan civilization reaches its zenith as free paper umbrellas are added to drinks in Cancun and elsewhere.
- 504 – Ostrogoth King Theodoric the Great drives the Gepids out of Panera for hogging too many tables.
- c.505 – The Mayan city of Uxmal is built as a tourist trap but would have early problems with visitors being carried off by ocelots. The city would finally become a tourist destination in the 20th century when tourists have become too fat to be carried off by the 4-legged type of predator.
- 505 – Eugenius, bishop of Carthage, dies and is succeeded by Nogenius.
- 506 – Antipope Laurentius invents his own diet system and proves its effectiveness by starving to death.
- 507 – Roman Emperor Anastasius I gets a good deal on Legos and begins to build a wall protecting Constantinople, unaware that the Slavs and Bulgars know what boats are.
- 507 – Having converted to Catholicism, Frankish King Clovis I proceeds to meet and greet his pagan former allies and has them murdered. 'Give me that old time religion, it's good enough for me'.
511 to 520[edit]
“ You're trying to kidnap what I've rightfully stolen.”
- 511 – Indian mathematician Aryabhata invents the concept of zero. Thanks for nothing, Aryabhata.
- c.515 – Settlers from Ireland land in what is now called Scotland, curious about what the fuss is over the creatures known as snakes.
- 516 – The future Emperor Justinian I falls in love with his spouse Theodora after watching her perform a Ping pong trick with her vagina in a theatrical show.
- 517 – Chinese Emperor Wu Di converts to Buddhism and decrees that animal sacrifices should be replaced by sacrifices of watermelons and oranges. This is largely disregarded as the pronouncement comes while he is at a McDonald's.
- 518 – Emperor Anastasius I is supposedly struck dead by a thunderbolt after reneging on his agreement to end the schism in the church. It is later found to have been thrown by Odin who was attempting to correct some of his own followers.
- 518 – Justin I becomes Byzantine emperor, earning the nickname Justin Time as he not only manages to murder his rivals before they can kill him, but also inherits a rich royal treasury.
- 519 – Theodoric the Great orders the rebuilding of synagogues in Ravenna after rioters burn them down. Jews flee in panic as they cannot understand his behavior.
- 520 – Bodhidharma spreads Buddhism while extending his Bodhi and fender repair franchises throughout Asia.
521 to 530[edit]
“ You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
- 523 – King Chlothar of the Franks invades Burgundy and captures its king inventing chess in the process.
- 523 – Hilderic becomes kings of the Vandals and Alans and decrees religious freedom for all. Jews flee in terror as they cannot understand his behavior.
- 524 – Philosopher Boethius is executed when his book The Consolation of Philosophy fails to make the New York Times best seller list.
- 525 – Northeast England is settled by an unidentified king who knows all the angles.
- 525 – Dionysius Exiguus comes up with the AD (Anno Domini) dating scheme despite plenty of existing ones including a perfectly good Byzantine one and a Hebrew one if one wanted to go all out biblical. Instead, he starts everything in the year Christ was born, which is tolerable except for the fact that no-one knows what year that is. And never will. For Dionysius, it is probably done with a few coin flips and Bob's your uncle. The worst part is, everyone accepts this, forgetting that everything earlier has to be indicated as "BC", with the years running backwards. Plus there is no year 0, despite what your looney relations say. As the creator of the Cyclis Paschalis, we can also blame this fellow for having Easter jumping all over the calendar unlike favourites such as Boxing Day and St. Swithin's Day. Still, nothing like giving the Mayan civilization a hearty laugh, people who could carve their calendars in stone in absolute confidence.
- 526 – Pope John I dies of starvation during a banquet celebrating his return from Constantinople when Theodoric's speech runs over by an hour.
- 527 – The Iwai Rebellion begins in Japan. However, as the Yamato capitol is being moved, once again, neither side is able to find the other and the conflict fizzles out.
- 529 - The Neoplatonic Academy in Athens is closed down. The remaining Layabout philosophers are told to get out and find proper jobs.
- 529 – The Samaritans lose their revolt by being good Samaritans and lending weapons to their enemies.
- 529 – The Justinian Codes are created to promote law and order in the Byzantine world but are ignored since it is written in code.
- 530 – Brendan of Ireland begins his search for America by checking the basement of his local abbey and looking behind trees in the forest.
531 to 540[edit]
Before Merlin, King Arthur relies on the advice of a young Lord Buckethead.
“Have fun stormin’ da castle!”
- 531 – King Childebert I invades Septimania. Townsend I retreats to Quadraphenia.
- 532 – The motorcycle gangs of their day, chariot racing fantards lead the Nika Riots to protest efficient though unpopular ministers. Emperor Justinian I has them all killed plus any spectators hanging about. He also does in the previous emperor's relatives to allow surviving relatives to get a quantity discount from the undertakers.
- 532 – Justinian I has a vision (some say a wet dream) and orders the building of the Hagia Sophia despite the papal prohibition on Sophia worship.
- 532 – In China's Northern Wei Empire, Emperor Xiao Wu succeeds An Ding Wang, who committed suicide. His advisors work hard to convince him he does not have to follow the previous ruler absolutely and kill himself also.
- 533 – Justinian I sends General Belisarius and 15,000 troops to North Africa to attack the Vandals. Not only is graffiti wiped out, so are any walls that could be tagged, as are any people who could possibly see any graffiti. 'We had to destroy it in order to save it'.
- 534 – For his victory, General Belisarius is given a triumph. However, without petrol being invented, it would sit unused in a corner of his villa.
- 536 – The Gothic War begins. General Belisarius decides to beat up on Italian emos before tackling the real deal.
- 537 – Goths attempt to attack Rome via an aqueduct tunnel that turns out to be a tunnel dug by a wascally wabbit. They fail to make a left at Albuquerque.
- 538 – Birth of Warren Buffett.
- 540 – Persian King Khosrau I, not good at math or word definitions, attacks Antioch, breaking the Eternal Peace treaty.
541 to 550[edit]
“ Life isn't fair, it's just fairer than death, that's all.”
- 542 – The Bubonic Plague sweeps through Constantinople and the Byzantine Empire with its denizens never suspecting that their beloved pet rats are to blame. Emperor Justinian looks for some group to blame but they are already dead.
- 543 – Emperor Justinian decides it's time for another religious dispute. Cue anathemas, accusations of heresy and persecutions.
- 544 – Persian King Khosrau I fails to capture the city of Dara, despite hopping up and down convincingly outside the locked city gates and asking in a very polite way to use the bathroom.
- 545 – Emperor Justinian sends his go-to guy Belisarius to the South Pole just to get him out of the palace.
- 546 – Ostrogoths led by a tortilla attack Rome, stopping only for a glass of wine and a small plate of pasta each before retreating. This would become known as the infamous Snack of Rome.
- 547 – King Arthur Pendragon is killed by a narwhal to the brisket in the Battle of Camlann.
- 548 – Belisarius is given the sack in favor of a decrepit old eunuch for what reason again?
- 548 – Empress Theodora suddenly dies. Anything to escape from her husband droning on about theology.
- 549 – Visigoth King Theudigisel is assassinated for having an unpronounceable name.
551 to 560[edit]
“ I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But for now, rest well and dream of large women.”
- 551 – The Byzantine army rolls for initiative and recaptures Petra. Their general, Bessas, apparently shows up a bit short in the brain department by destroying the city walls after the battle.
- 552 – Byzantine General Narses proves to be a cagey old fart and outmanoeuvres the Goths using Routine #27. His army enters Rome killing the Goth leader Totila and destroys all the tortillas they can find as a precaution.
- 552 – Monks smuggle silkworm eggs from China and present them to Emperor Justinian to start up local silk production. He misunderstands and the eggs are used to dress up a salad instead. The disgusted monks are dispatched back to China for more.
- 553 – Second Council of Constantinople runs out of taramasalata. A riot ensues.
- 554 – Battle of the Volturnus. After evading a larger army of Franks and Goths, Narses once again uses Routine #27 to defeat his foes. You'd think someone would catch on by now.
- 555 – Pope Vigilius dies after 18 years in office and after never being born in the first place.
- 556 – Frankish King Chlothar I quells a revolt in Saxony and demands a tithe of 500 cows a year. It would be another year until it would be agreed that payment could not be made by catapult.
- 557 – British monk Gildas publishes his catchy history titled De Excidio et Conquestu Britanniae. This translates to 'How the Brits Fucked Up their Own Country and Gave it to a Bunch of Germans'. A follow book is simply subtitled 'Brexit'.
- 557 – An earthquake in Constantinople causes great damage. Justinian blames Belisarius even though he is in Spain and fines him 1,000 pounds of gold.
- 560 – Columba earns the wroth of Finnian of Movilla when the latter falls asleep in his bath and Columba changes the bathwater into wine.
561 to 570[edit]
“ Just because you're beautiful and perfect, it's made you conceited.”
- 561 – Mayan Sky Witness become king of Calakmul succeeding Sky Masterson and Sky King. Sky Smith and Sky Tate are extremely disappointed and begin assembling their own armies.
- 562 – Emperor Justinian signs a peace treaty with Persia. Forever and ever. BFFs and all that. Yup. Yup. Yup.
- 563 – Sophia is pleased when the new Hagia Sophia is finished. Thousands turn out to admire not her building, but her structure.
- 565 – Columba uses his superpowers to overcome the Loch Ness Monster in the River Ness. Locals claim it is only a catfish, and a 2 pounder at that.
- 565 – Death of Justinian I. The last Latin speaking emperor who knew how to salsa in style.
- 567 – Emperor Wu Di of the Northern Zhou Dynasty begins persecuting Buddhists as there are not enough Jews around to bother with.
- 567 – The Council of Tours passes a law that forbids priests from sleeping with their wives, any other women or each other. Thousands of hostels charging by the hour close their doors across Europe.
- 568 – The Lombards invade Italy. Someone forgot to lock the front door before going out!
- 568 – Frankish King Chilperic strangles his wife Queen Galswintha in bed for snoring.
- 569 – Garamantians in Libya and Alodians in Nubia are converted to Christianity by Byzantine missionaries when they mistake consecrated wafers for crispy biscuits.
- 570 – Battle of Gwyneth Paltrow. Welsh soldiers wearing heavy healing copper bracelets and with marble eggs stuffed up their behinds turn against the druid priestess Gwyneth who suggested the special equipment. The fighters return to the standard of the day, running around starkers and chucking spears at the other side whilst screaming and hooting.
- 570 – Traditional birth year for the future prophet Muhammed. The next 40 years pass without incidence.
571 to 580[edit]
“This is my favorite book in all the world, though I have never read it.”
- 571 – Wuffa becomes king of East Anglia, so named by expat Australians who think he looks rather like a corgi.
- 571 – Another schism strikes Christianity with recent converts holding out for the side with the best tasting wafers.
- 572 – Emperor Justin II's depleted treasury from his recent vacation to the Monte Carlo casino makes him miss his tribute payment to Persia, igniting war once again.
- 572 – Alboin King of the Lombards is killed in a plot organised by his wife Queen Rosamund. She had objected to drinking out of a cup made out of her father's skull. As you do.
- 573 – Myrddin Wyllt (later known as Merlin) reportedly goes mad during the Battle of Arfderydd. In truth he goes mad for plaid, becoming the Bay City Rollers' biggest fan.
- 574 – Emperor Justin II joins up with Merlin to attend Bay City Rollers concerts and is judged equally mad. Empress Sophia and regent Tiberius sue for peace with the Persian Empire but it is only a partial peace as they can only pay partial reparations. Justin II has again raided the treasury to buy expensive front row tickets.
- 577 – Former notary Maurice takes charge of the Byzantine army in the east. His brothers Barry and Robin would write Stayin' Alive in his honor.
- 579 – Jinpyeong becomes king of Silla at 13. He proves to be a normal sullen and moody teen, keeping neighboring kingdoms at bay.
- 580 – Æthelberht becomes king of Kent, starting a long and dreary string of copycat rulers with Æthel in their names.
581 to 590[edit]
“ My way isn't very sportsmanlike.”
- 581 – The future Pope Gregory attempts to buy angels for personal use in a Roman slave market. He is offered Anglo-Saxons instead but declines.
- 582 – Emperor Tiberius II Constantine is probably poisoned and dies. Son-in-law and amateur chemist Maurice volunteers himself based on the crown being the right size for him.
- 583 – Visigoth King Liuvigild tries to reconcile Arian Christianity with Catholicism. God laughs and will later throw Islam into the mix.
- 585 – Persian general Kadarigan settles down for a long winter siege and has sweaters knitted for his army. The warm knits would become famous when his troops start referring to them as jumpers.
- 586 – At the last minute, Emperor Maurice realizes the Persians are asking for gold in exchange for peace, not peas, and cancels the deal.
- 587 – Sledd threatens to send the kingdom of Wessex downhill.
- 587 – Reccared of the Visigoths makes a full switch from Arian to Catholic Christianity. He said it was because Catholic incense was a lot more headier.
- 588 – Emperor Wen of Sui marches his army of 500,000 across the Yangtze River to attack the Chen but belatedly finds their armor is not conducive to swimming.
- 589 – The first mention of the use of toilet paper is made in China. Nonetheless, babies would still be held outside second floor windows to do their business.
591 to 600[edit]
“ My name is Iñigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die.”
- 591 – Pope Gregory I criticizes the bishoprics of Arles and Marseilles for the forced conversion of Jews. He wanted to do it himself.
- 592 – Chinese Emperor Wendi reduces taxes and gives land to poor farmers. Thousands die of shock while others carry on as usual figuring it is all one big joke.
- 594 – Emperor Maurice gives General Priscus the sack for not keeping his army in the swamps, replacing him with Maurice's brother Petrus. Loyal brother that he is, Petrus keeps his army sloshing round in the bogs, where they will mutiny and march on Constantinople to dry out and assassinate Maurice.
- 596 – Augustine of Canterbury gets well and truly lost on a holiday trip to Blackpool and lands on the Isle of Thanet instead. He makes the best of it and improvises bingo games as entertainment. Local Kentish folk are so taken with it that they all convert to Christianity.
- 597 – The Avars finally get smart and start invading warm sunny places with beaches like Tomis on the Black Sea.
- 598 – Emperor Wendi attempts to invade the Korean empire of Goguryeo, loading his army onto ships but forgetting to have enough sailors. His army invades the bottom of the Bohai Sea instead and he immediately accepts a treaty. Wendi stays home. He is called 'Wendindahouse' for his timidity.
- 599 – Emperor Maurice refuses to pay a ransom for 12,000 captured soldiers who are then put to death. This makes him extremely unpopular with his troops, particularly the dead ones.
- 600 – The Persians perfect the windmill for irrigation after inventing it as a carnival thrill ride.