Urza

Urza (934 PR - 4232? BS) was a near mythological figure and assumed dictator, until he lost his sanity, when he became famous. He is now buried in a monolithic tomb in Urborg and presumed dead.

Here is Urza in the picture that somebody nailed to his tomb. It was later discovered that this was a want ad posted last February.

Early Life (the first sixty-three years or so)

Urza was born in a city called Penregon, which can be located on a map in Silicon Valley somewhere. He had a younger, far cooler brother named Mishra, who had a talent for doing, while Urza had a reputation for thinking. Unfortunately, Urza's father had AIDS and thus the two brothers needed to be sent into the desert because their psychotic mother Hillary Clinton couldn't handle them.

It was in the desert that both brothers developed a talent for digging and consuming, a somewhat widespread obscure practice in which the participants dig into the desert and eat whatever they can find. Consequently, the sport has caught on in Vermont, but however all they can find are rotten leaves and penguins.

Discovery of the stones

Both Urza and Mishra grew exceptional at this sport (Mishra would later be the creator of the DCSL, which would overtake the NBA in popularity in the 1920s). Mishra got so good that he dug a tunnel that led all the way to the first airplane. Urza immediately got into a heated argument on how an airplane could possibly be buried, but Mishra decided to fly it out anyway. Unfortunately, when engaging the jet engines, the flames encountered the fart of a Montana moose, which caused an implosion that propelled Urza and Mishra all the way to the barren wasteland caves of southern France. Inside the caves, they found a large door which was wedged shut with a giant shiny thing (which was later confirmed to be solidified alcohol). Unfortunately, Urza tripped over his own feet while breathing air and fell onto the shiny thing, breaking it in two with his pointy nose. Mishra immediately grabbed a piece of the thing. This sparked another argument, which ended by both brothers braining each other with their things. This led to two hallucinations caused by alcohol seepage (although Mishra has always accused Urza of being on pot, and Urza has always accused Mishra of being on Skittles).

This is what the Mightstone (on the left) and the Weakstone may have looked like. As they were never seen by anyone alive today, their true look might remain lost forever.

Later, after hallucinations ended and the two brothers struggled back to the primitive campsite (later known as Phoenix, Arizona), Urza discovered how the stones worked. Seemingly releasing infinite alcohol-related energy (this has been furiously debated by six thousands scholars and eight drunks in the Council of Nicea), Urza's shiny thing made things stronger and Mishra's made things weaker. Urza named his shiny thing the Mightstone (though the official name was the Kick-Supreme-Ass Thing) and named Mishra's the Weakstone (the Not-So-Kick-Supreme-Ass Thing). Mishra was then furious that he wasn't invited to his stone's naming ceremony (he missed the bus the day after) that he attacked Urza. The resulting explosion of alcohol related energy spawned insanity, craziness, the moons of Saturn and Uranus, and Donald Trump, who immediately fired Mishra, exiled him to Mexico, and sent Urza back to Silicon Valley for his safety (nobody liked Urza, but unlike Raistlin Majere, Urza believed the world loved him, whereas Oscar Wilde really didn't care less for an extended period of time starting later).

Urza's Marriage

So then Urza spent the next few years wandering about California, Nevada, and Afghanistan, somehow never getting laid or high in the process (thus breaking the world record). Finally, he wound up in a city named Kroog, found in Kentucky (not be confused with Kitchener, which was found in Ontario, but their resemblance is uncanny). There, Urza became a modest clockmaker and builder of IPods, later masterminding the creation of the Cuckoo Clock of Doom. However, one day he met some beautiful girl in his shop, who was the princess of the city. Urza promptly ignored her and continued his public debate with Einstein on how time would not stop if you rode on a light beam, but you would just have a burn streak on your pants and that clock would keep on ticking.

But later, Urza decided to get married to the beautiful girl, who turned out to be Eowyn from Rohan. Her father had declared that she would be wed to the strongest person in Kentucky. After repeated groin pulls by contesters like Godzilla, St. Peter, and Rocky, Urza decided to give the test a try. It was one where one had to move the Statue of Liberty all the way to Kentucky without getting shot by the FBI. Considering Urza had little muscle to speak of, he designed a gigantic, mechanized monkey that carried the statue all the way to Kentucky. Her father (later confirmed to be Dr. Phil) was infuriated, until his adviser Johnny Depp told him Eowyn could marry the statue instead. Instead of discussing the prospect of female-to-stone copulation (which is a current topic before the White House), Dr. Phil communicated with his feelings and decided to let her marry Urza after all. Urza was just happy he didn't have to go on Dr. Phil's new diet.

The Brother's War

But Mishra wasn't finished with Urza just yet. Harnessing the power of his shiny thing, he summoned a mak fawa from the sands (a dragon engine channelling the spirit of Chuck Norris). Driving his fearsome beast through the sands of Alaska, he also discovered the metropolis of Anchorage and his new apprentice, Ashnod (who may or may not be human, have a gender, or drink the blood of hamsters). Urza also had an apprentice who was a buff guy who went under the alias of Tawnos, but was really Ashton Kutcher in disguise. Urza also revitalized the creation of airplanes, creating the company which became WestJet. Unfortunately, Mishra had harnessed the evil powers of Martha Stewart, who proceeded to sue Urza for insider trading, run his business into the ground, and get him fired by Donald Trump (the master of firing things, people, and local landscapes around North Dakota).

This is Urza (who is on the left), and Mishra (who is on the right), holding their shiny things in the big-screen preview of "The Brothers War". It was later nuked by Steven Spielberg for having too few explosives, too few girls, and a plot. Urza then retaliated by strip-mining Hollywood, but all he found in the ground was whores, scripts by George Lucas and Beyonce's acting ability.

And so the war finally started. It was later called, by Urza's wife, the "Brothers War," and it remains perhaps the bloodiest war ever to take place in North America. Several scholars have argued against the existence of the war, but it was proven when Urza showed up and built a factory right over the council building.

The war also created the largest industrial development since the creation of McDonalds. Factories, mines, power plants, and towers were built, and resources were stolen from the earth's bones, flesh, and muscles (thus paralleling the Industrial Revolution). The war got so bad, people didn't even have time to get high or laid. This resulted in the suicide of Hitler, the explosion south-east of Oregon, and the spontaneous implosion of several irregularly spaced objects.

A key part of this war was the gathering of resources. Both Mishra and Urza needed vast amounts of lumber, minerals, chicken, and oil to fuel their artifact creations (the alcohol was supplied by their shiny thing). Considering how Urza's shiny thing could provide alcohol of slightly more potency than Mishra's, he began bribing world leaders with increased supplies of whisky. Unfortunately, Mishra also had access to pot fields, and thus he could blackmail more leaders than Urza (this also explains George Bush's support of Mishra and his willing diversion of all the Texas oil to Mishra's Factories).

Argoth and Phyrexia

Sometime later, Urza's son (whose name was unavailable and forgotten last week) crash-landed on an mysterious, forested island (later identified to be Ukraine), which was called "Argoth" by its inhabitants. Urza was so overjoyed when he found out, he immediately began chartering strip miners (not to be confused with strippers) to level the area, driving out the native inhabitants. This great decision, later ingrained in the US Constitution, proved to be the beginning of the end of the world (as a mysterious author quoted when writing Urza's history, which was promptly set on fire).

Mishra, meanwhile, had discovered a dark new land he called "Phyrexia". This particular area is a hellish wasteland where flesh and metal are amalgamated in grotesque proportion (in short, it was a combination of California and Florida stored in nine little spheres located slightly west of Hell). Mishra was fascinated by Phyrexia, and even eventually became a Phyrexian (although he did not, however, get a sex change in the process; that's just a urban myth). He met up with a mysterious creature named Gix (who also goes by the aliases Peter Jackson, Donald Rumsfeld, and Jennifer Lopez). Gix told Mishra of the mysterious island, and Mishra sent his own armies there for "the mid-section of the end of the world". Unfortunately, the big boss of Phyrexia thought Gix was being a showoff, so he excoriated him to the negative-seventh floor, where he was nearly consumed by grinding machines (see blender) and he was tortured by being forced to watch endless episodes of Trading Spaces.

Finally, Urza and Mishra met in epic combat (only described as epic because there were no CNN reporters there at the time). The concentration of alcohol related energies oozing out of the shiny things, combined with drunken hallucination memories, an ornamental bowl called the Sylex, and Urza's capitalist instincts, caused a great disaster, which literally leveled the mysterious island, causing Chernobyl.

But Urza transcended, while Mishra ascended into Phyrexia, and Ukraine descended, thus causing "the end of the end of the world." But something far worse happened. The two shiny things replaced Urza's eyes, and the resulting infusion of the purest of pure energy caused a miraculous transformation.

In short, Urza became a planeswalker, a person able to leap from jet to Concorde to space shuttle in the amount of time it takes an ordinary man to get high.

But Urza's sanity was not completely gone yet, and California would regret that later.

Planeswalking the Planes

War on Evil

This is the big boss of Phyrexia having a minor temper tantrum because the underwear his mom bought him was too small. His eventual response was to declare war on all life and stop buying underwear at Sears.

Planeswalkers happen to be exceptionally powerful, but are only created through explosions, implosions, atomic detonations, and viewing a whole season of Survivor. Urza was no exception to this rule. Planeswalkers also had the unfortunate benefit of being insane, and Urza was likewise. However, his insanity was compounded by the fact that the two shiny things in his head were stimulating his brain with vast amounts of alcohol-related energy. This allowed him to maintain the purest insight and clarity of vision, although it did cause him to pass out every now and then.

Another unfortunate characteristic with planeswalkers is that they all had a specific goal. These goals could include anything from becoming President, all-powerful, or consuming three tons of lasagna within ten seconds. Urza's goal, once he purchased it on EBay, was to take revenge for his brother Mishra (which he had killed) and destroy the evil realm slightly west of Hell known as Phyrexia.

Unfortunately, even though Urza was soooo close to being all powerful, he could not find the door to Phyrexia, even after using a Spot check. So he enlisted a renegade Phyrexian (not to be confused with a Las Vegan, although the resemblance, with so much metal and plastic amalgamated with flesh, is uncanny) named Xantcha. Xantcha was a rather odd fellow, who had zero concept of clothing, silverware, string theory, or gender, although she was able to show Urza how to get into Phyrexia. Luckily for Urza, the Phyrexians were so happy to have Urza come and visit, they threw a massive party with dragon engines, slayers, and demonic bombs. Unfortunately, Urza, rather lacking in social graces, immediately tried to become the center of attention by blowing holes in the furnaces, thus waking up the big boss of Phyrexia named Yawgmoth, who was napping five floors down.

Serra's Realm

This is Serra in one of her more flattering poses (Urza, unfortunate for him, never got this point of view).

Xantcha, who had been fired from Phyrexia for sleeping with the big boss's wife (although the gender on both sides has been debated, it has been confirmed that this is at least partially lesbian), was so scared she dragged Urza all the way to the local Alcoholics Anonymous Center, perhaps to remove the alcohol-producing stones in his head. This particular center, run by a pretty chick named Serra, allowed Urza to recuperate, recover, rebuild, and refill the local toilets with clockwork mechanisms and other, fouler things (like carrots and cable bills). Unfortunately, Urza's head was so infused with alcohol that he eventually was kicked out, with Xantcha in tow. He then spent the next couple thousand years wandering around the local universes, trying to find his home, a walk-in diner that served onion rings, and Texas. Meanwhile, Serra's Center was invaded by Phyrexians after she told them that only biological beings infused with alcohol were allowed, not mechanical (this caused the Pope to draw the Line of Demarcation, separating what was mechanical and biological; in other words, the Portuguese from the Spanish).

Eventually, something happened called a temporal flux. Whatever the hell that is has not yet been decided since yesterday, but during this mysterious flux, Urza and Xantcha managed to find their way back to Dominaria. Unfortunately, both were taking a shower at the time, and when they arrived in the middle of the main city {see London), they were both naked and were laughed all the way to Pluto. Urza, who was somewhat incensed at this, took the name Rainz and assassinated Lord British, thus getting banned from all MMORPGs for the rest of his life (although Urza was so smashed at that time, he didn't really care)

This is Xantcha. Gender, race, or food group has not yet been identified.

Urza Goes Crazy (more than normal)

During this following period, after Urza returned to Dominaria, he fell into a sedentary life-style, lured on by pornography, communism, and Mr. Clean commercials. The planeswalker abandoned his habit from leaping from Cessnas to Concordes in favour of playing with little action figures (not Barbie dolls, this occurred later in Urza's life) trying to attract 'motes of time' to them. As Xantcha, fuming from the nose at this inane development tried to find some way to occupy her (living out hie/her female part) self, she met a strange fellow named Ratepe (pronounced Rat-A-PEE, thus a prophetic name, since all nearby rodents wet themselves when he was around). Freeing Ratepe from his enslavement to Waldo and the Iranian government, Xantcha convinced the poor boy that he was in fact Mishra. Urza, being rather confused at the time as well, agreed with this.

Here is Gix in his Playboy shot (the resemblance to Jennifer Lopez is obvious here)

Defeat of Gix

Unfortunately, Phyrexians invaded Urza's quaint homestead in Kansas, led by the demon Gix, who had somehow escaped the negative-seventh floor (which was also a sphere). The final battle came down by the same doorway that Urza and Mishra first opened millennia earlier. Unfortunately, it ended in a similar fashion. Urza tripped over his own feet and Gix caught him in his arms, trying to pull the planeswalker's eyes out. This descended into a rather gory scene that is not suited for R-rated audiences, but suffice to say that Ratepe and Xantcha were furious they weren't part of the experience, so they kicked Gix in the ass and pushed him all the way through the doorway back into Phyrexia. In some sort of mystical ritual, the two made out at the same time as well. Urza, disgruntled that he couldn't join them, popped the alcohol-energy-emitting shiny things that were his eyes back and in and imploded Xantcha, Gix, and Ratepe for the fun of it. Unfortunately, the planeswalker forgot that implosion tends not to be survivable for the majority of people, except for God, Michael Jackson, most strippers and people who work for Revenue Canada. Only one thing survived of the three imploded corpses - a battery that had been embedded in Xantcha's thigh that she called her heart (this has baffled scholars for decades, as the heart is found either the anus or behind the jugular vein, not in the thigh). Somehow, this battery was still running, and thus Urza, claiming this a marvelous discovery, created the 'Duracell' company of batteries, which, while being somewhat obscure, did not damage his fortunes that badly. However, this particular battery had also been infused with Xantcha's life force, which confounded Urza to the highest degree. He resolved his feelings by nuking a large, rather vacant landscape in Nevada.

The Tolarian Academy Disaster

Somehow, through all of this, Urza had created one of his plans. He decided that he would build a time machine, go back in time nine thousand or so years, and stop the Phyrexians. Thus, when he would return to the present, none would ever exist and his brother, who he thought was destroyed by Phyrexia, would still be alive (one fails to mention that Urza killed Mishra, not the Phyrexians; although one pointing this out to Urza would be subject to spontaneous implosions).

To harness his powers, Urza decided to build a place where only smart people could live (a novelty on Earth). Transmuting a huge chunk of Saskatchewan land into the middle of the ocean, Urza created the very definition of "the middle of nowhere." Unfortunately, since Urza didn't bother to take any bedrock, just topsoil, the land sunk straight to the bottom of the sea. Undaunted, Urza triggered several volcanic eruptions to create more land by cracking the crust of the world open. He was fairly certain that the planetary ecosystem wouldn't be harmed.

He later said he cast this spell based on an equation that went something like:

$Tolaria(x)=m\cdot c^{2}\cdot (rock\;-\;gravel\;-\;|water|\;\cdot \;(-1)\;\cdot \;10^{5})\;+\;{\frac {\frac {mana^{5}}{cheese}}{\log(alcohol)}}\;+\;\infty \;\cdot \;energy\;\cdot \;heat$

He later commented that the simplicity of the math is simply remarkable, and that everyone, presuming they have a gram of intellect, could solve for x.

And so Urza began to build an academy of various wizards, sorcerers, and other various beings, all the aspects of studying time and magic. At this point, he met his new second-in-command, Barrin, who served as Urza's connection to reality and sanity. Unfortunately, Barrin was a wizard himself and also ended up committing suicide a thousand years later while burninating the entire island of Tolaria (that spell did not require an equation). Barrin also was a master of all five colors of magic, which proved to be rather useful when Urza kept leaving him to die in various locations. This certainly explains Urza's great compassion for his friends.

Students of the Tolarian Academy

Urza also had some famous students, most of whom he abducted from their homes to work at his academy (thus proving everything said about how school is morally, ethically, painfully, and politically wrong). Many of his students and their chancellors felt as imprisoned as the next fellow, although the next fellow was currently holidaying in Cuba. Many of them died when Urza's time machine imploded, reloaded, and exploded later, thus proving that living on a tiny island with no boats to escape might not be the most intelligent idea.

Urza had several famous students (actually, since Urza did more accidental killing than teaching, they were more like pseudo-friends/enemies/opponents/sandwiches/students). One of them was a young black boy named Teferi. This boy grew up in the tropical hood called Jamuraa, which, of course, is a land infested with alleys, smokers, booze, and crack smugglers, not to mention griffons, phoenixes, rabbits, and other magical monsters. Teferi's later exploits include overthrowing governments, screwing with time and gravity, and spending forty years on fire so he could become a planeswalker like Urza (thus proving all planeswalkers are perfectly sane, in a way).

Another one of his students was a girl named Jhoira, who specialized in building mechanical monsters out of steel, wood, lemons, and sporks. Perhaps the most sane person ever to live on Tolaria, Jhoira was also driven to find a way off the island. She also specialized in normal pursuits like firebreathing, implosions, and warping the laws of physics. She did however view Tolaria as somewhat of a blessing, since the cable bills were so high, she never was exposed to the terror that was Oprah.

And so Urza spent his time trying to build his time machine. He spent the remainder of his time eating, sleeping, debating, building, destroying, shitting, teaching, and criticizing others for wasting time. Barrin promptly called him a hypocrite. Urza just as promptly got angry and immolated Barrin, who promptly teleported into a bathtub and left the scene.

Perhaps Urza's greatest friend was a silver golem named Karn, who Urza built with Xantcha's heart that he found in her thigh. Karn was reportedly going to be the one who went back in time for Urza (which really doesn't make a whole lot of sense). Unfortunately for the planeswalker, Karn was sentient, brilliant, cogitant, patient, and thereby completely not fun to be around. Teferi capitalized on this by promptly naming the silver golem (not be confused with the sliver golem, which the big boss of Phyrexia made) Arty Shovelhead, a truly prophetic and impressive sounding name. Karn found the name mildly annoying, but he was such a bore to be around, Teferi eventually left him alone, leaving only Urza who cared about Karn left (unfortunately, Urza's cares were like his plans: over-complicated, implosive, rather west of Chicago, and covered in lemon juice).

The Time Spiral

But Jhoira, when walking on the beach contemplating how to break the elementary theory of peaches, discovered a castaway named Kerrick (not be confused with Ben Affleck, although the fact both spent extensive time in California is suspicious). Jhoira, tired of dealing with imbeciles like Teferi, fell in love with Kerrick and they reportedly spent the next year making out in a cave. Unfortunately for her, Kerrick was also a Phyrexian sleeper agent, a badass who spent the majority of his time sleeping, the minority of his time wreaking havoc, and the rest making out. Note, since the publication of this article, thousands of people have applied to become Phyrexian sleepers, including assumed asskickers such as Chuck Norris, Darth Vader, Jesus, and the Backstreet Boys.

Unfortunately for Jhoira, her lovemaking was interrupted by Teferi, who was spying on them. Worse still, Teferi decided to be a bit of a jackass and tell Urza, who was so thrilled about the development that he sent Karn to go kill Kerrick. The sneaky bastard (Kerrick, not Teferi, and definitely not Urza) summoned a group of Phyrexian negators to the academy. These monsters, a cross between dragons, ducks, and robots were quite the terrifying beasts and definitely needed to be fought off by Chuck Norris, who was holidaying in Nebraska at the time, and they managed to kill everyone except Urza and Karn. Now a bit desperate, Karn was sent back in time to kill Kerrick before the disaster ever happened. Unfortunately, Urza forgot to send himself back in time, and in the hurry to pack his toothbrush into his suitcase, he accidentally reverse-inverse-perverse-triggered his time machine.

The resulting explosion created several things (explosions do create things besides ash and dust and ugly naked people, you know). The first creation were bubbles of fast time. In these areas, time went faster. Jhoira learned to capitalize on these areas by getting laid for years on end in fast-time, then getting into regular time and discovering that only two hours had passed (that is sooo totally kick-ass).

Another odd phenomenon was slow-time, areas where time was slower inside the bubbles than outside. These areas proved to be a bit annoying for Jhoira, as she would step inside a slow time bubble to relax for a few hours, except then she would leave and discover six weeks had passed. Fortunately the academy had already been destroyed, otherwise the slow-time would have put a serious problem in the school system (thwarting the diabolical process of homework).

Teferi, however, was rather close to the time-machine when it exploded. Luckily for him, he got caught in the blast wave, which only set his robes on fire. Seconds later, Teferi ran straight into a bubble of extreme-slow time, which for him only three seconds he was on fire, but instead he was on fire for forty years.