Republican Party
The Republican Party also evangelically called the GOP (for "God/Guns and Oil Party"), is a division of Halliburton and a subsidiary of the Federalist Society[1] of the United States. It was founded in 1854 with the goal of boosting the sales of Israeli flag lapel pins and magnets. Despite receiving a good ol' Texas 'thumpin', it is one of the largest misanthropic organizations in the world.
The party is well-known for its right wing Ultra-Orthodox Jewish-Leninist practice of democratic centrism, in which no party member is allowed to disagree with the central organization. Disobedient members are sacrificed and dumped in the Potomac River. This causes Republicans great stress and results in bi-weekly mass Republican orgies in Washington, DC.
Since 2016 the party has been lead by Donald Trump. It now stands for supporting the KGB and bombing the FBI.
History
Origins
The Republican Party was founded by Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, well-known for His free-market, pro-gun, anti-abortion (so you can shoot the sheriff when he comes and arrests you for abortion), anti-tax, anti-poor, anti-whore, anti-Liberal stance.
Glory Days
The Republicans later took over control of the Roman Empire 500 years later, which led to a thousand years of unprecedented peace and prosperity. The sun never set on the Roman Empire, from their Australian Koala mines, to their Asian chicks farms in exotic Taiwan.
Decline
However, lustful homos took over control of the Roman Empire, leading to the decline of the Republic Party and the Roman Empire for many centuries. The Roman Empire was eventually destroyed, whereas the Republican tree was destroyed,but its seeds were preserved. These were emptied out of a bird in America, where the new Republican tree was planted. Needless to say, there was not much rejoicing. This declime starts around 1950
Born Again
In the early 1900s, George Washington re-established Republican values by drive-by killing Queen Victoria and her queer son, Jack the Ripper, consequently causing the death of millions of Native Americans from sheer fright. Thus, America was founded, under the unfailing leadership of Republican might, except for eight years, when women were required by law to sexually satisfy the deviant pleasures of their corrupt leader, Ben Shapiro.
Decline in the mostly real future
(This part of the article is more serious and mostly in the future as of writing because I am a more serious and slightly less silly Uncyclopedia user.) Around the year 2016, the public slowly starts to realize the horrors of the Republicans after the rapists Donald Trump and Brett Kavanaugh, the Republican Party begins its slow and painful decline. This decline has been triggered by the illegitimate election of Donald Trump. In 2018, Brian Kemp, a Republican, stopped some people (African Americans) from voting against Stacey Abrams, a Democrat running against him by using dirty tricks. In 2028, the Republicans have an electoral checkmate when their candidate, Ben Shapiro, loses and gets 39% of the popular vote and 41% of the electoral vote.
Types
- Rockefeller Republicans – Well-educated and wealthy suburbanites. They are quite moderate, many are even and pro-gay. Rockefeller Republicans were in power before Pat Robertson started to making bizarre clicks and grunts that awoke his hordes of zombies. Currently, they are listed as an "Endangered Species" by the Endangered Species Act due to hunting by the radical cleric Jerry Falwell and population reduction due to loss of habitat that is made faster every year by expansion of Democrat communities into the Rockefeller's natural range. Many of members of this sub-species live in Log Cabins.
- Republican Republicans – This species dominates the modern Republican Party. Their natural range is the Bible Belt and the Jello Belt. They are sometimes confused with zombies on election day as any resident of a town of less than 100,000 people and that is more than 300 miles inland would say. However, this strain of zombieism is different than any others as its members/hosts are still metabolically active and reproduce. In fact, they fuck like rabbits. Because of the emerging overpopulation of zombies attributed to this, a new, compassionate campaign of "spay and neuter your fundy" has begun. Also, the common mink has been introduced to act as predators in areas just outside of these creatures' home range, such as Colorado and Ohio. This strategy of zombie management has sustained some success in the last year or so. In fact, wildlife experts are becoming cautiously optimistic that this vermin species can be contained.
- Log cabin Republicans – The section of the Republican party who are openly gay. Most Republicans are gay, but not all are openly gay. The reason that they are called "log cabin" republicans is because they like to engage in sodomy within the secure and silent confines of a wilderness locale (a log cabin). Lesbians are excluded from being Log Cabin Republicans because "they like pussy too much" (O'Reilly 122). Note that heterosexual women often have a great deal in common with gay Republican men. One theory is that they both take it up the butt. Thus the one defining aspect of being a Republican is engaging in anal sex. Often noted as the original founding members of the party. However, they are often accepted by the regular Republicans, due to the fact that they didn't choose to be gay, but they chose to be Republicans. They can unite their hate against the Democrats, who in their words are 'Assholes.'
- Women Republicans: Chicks down with beating fellow sisters in abortion rallies, and be like Sarah Palin who loves her children, doesn't eat them or turn their stem cells for medicinal purposes like child-killer pro-choice Democrats.
- Black Republicans: A rare breed of Republicans are American Africans, who dislike affirmative action, doing away with racial segregation and political correctness to fight the alleged false claims of racism.
- "Real American" Republicans: The dirty, ugly, fat and inbred white trash. Predominantly NRA members who drink in excess. Usually live in old trailer parks or run down shacks. Favorite foods include "Turducken" and "Chicken Fried Bacon". All suffer from obesity and love to chug gravy. Hobbies also include: banjo playing, watching NASCAR, and incest.
- Tree Chopper Republicans: Also known as "tree kicker republicans". These guys are the antithesis to treehuggers and have a clinical hatred of nearly every tree species known to man. If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it fall, most likely it's because a Tree Chopper Republican is quietly leveling a forest in order to build another shopping mall.
- Trumpers. Supporters of Donald Trump's Republican Party. Also known as MAGA. They gather and scheme virtually, on Twitter. They continued to do so for the time (2021-2023) that Twitter banned Trump himself.
Today
Republicans are the most loyal to their own of any political party out there. Even if you raped over 9000 boys, you would still be applauded by the National Committee for your bravery in showing those 14-year-olds the hazards of being so goddamned sexy. Also Republicans do not believe in Science, Truth, Psychology, gravity, common sense, and free will, unlike their radical counterparts the Democrats.
A Portrait of the Republican Party
Unlike other politicians, Republicans require the money of the poor to survive. They have earned their fortune through hard work and pulling themselves up by the bootstraps, not marijuana and degeneracy. The Republican party is also known as the party of tax cuts and the ownership society.
Republicans are known for their devotion to and love for the United States. They believe in liberty and justice for most rights, but would like staunch homosexuals, liberals, abortionists, and feminists to quit shoving their SJW agenda down people's throats. Republicans generally spend their time saving countries from filthy Mudslimes, dangerous minorities, and towel-wearing terrorists.
Additionally, Republicans are known for a psychotic addiction to war and are the only party to support a president who thinks that Africa is a country, not a continent. Republicans often virulently vilify Senator Robert Byrd as a racist, but in another hand they have advocated the conservation and utilization of Robert Birds as an "all-American species".
Most Republicans live in the Southern United States. Typically, Republicans organize in units called "families", and attend church every week. It is not uncommon for Republican children to be raised on tales such as Sesame Street: Color Me Mine, Barney's Weather Book, and Billy's First Bible.
Republican daily life revolves around the office and church (a sort of heaven for them). The average Republican will usually wake up at 6:00 AM and report to work by 7:00, even if work starts at 8. This shows their diligent work ethic. On weekends, the Republican takes their family to church. At church, they speak in tongues, preach, handle snakes, and take part in occultist rituals and human sacrifice while the children are taught to forget everything they learned in science class.
Agenda
Hypocrisy
- The Republican Party exists, in part, to show how hypocritical people can be. For example, the GOP opposes gay marriage, but its leaders are some of the most flaming homosexuals on the planet, including Rick Santorum, Jeff Gannon, Rudy Giuliani, Tom DeLay, Sam Brownback, and Karl Rove. However, it should be noted there is no evidence that Karl Rove is actually a gay person. He might just be very unappealing to women, and it is fair to say that even the most tasteless butch queer in the world would probably want no part of Karl Rove, either. He could just be asexual or not even human.
- The Republicans also enjoy lighting themselves on fire for the country "Amerika". Much to their disappointment, nationalism is a form of pride and pride is a deadly sin and all Republicans are religious so they're all going to hell (see Christian logic).
- They accuse the liberal Democrats for creating the "race politics industry" for the horrible thing affirmative action has done to white people and males, banned the freedom of religion by activity for Wal-marts to stop any banners saying "Merry Christmas" during the holiday sales, and finally the public educational/pop cultural/ mass media promotion of philias such as homosexuality by "the Gays", inter-racial marriage and premarital sexual relations.
"Freedom"
- The GOP claims to support freedom but gleefully fucks with brain-dead people who just want to become properly dead people.
-Note if the brain-dead were allowed to become actually dead, people may suggest that Dumbya be euthanized.
- In fairness, the GOP works to defend the interest of all brain-dead people as well as giving large and regressive tax rebates to those who make more than $300,000 a year (sweaty fat fucks and whores).
- Everybody deserves a tax cut except the poor, those bastards need to pay.
- To preserve the freedom of speech like the right for any white guy to shout "nigger", "faggot" and "retard" in public without getting sued, being punched, or even arrested for a hate crime. But they got the FCC to ban any uttering of "Hell", "god damn" and "Jesus Christ", as well the immoral nature of a woman breast feeding in the public is a lot worse than a male disciplining his wife.
Wealth Exploration
The Republican Party reserves the right to invade other countries, using the resources of the US Government, and the United Nations (see pussy). Countries identified for invasion will be subject to an initial survey to identify oil, natural gas, precious metals, and any other known threats to the USA's security, such as more gay hookers to be hired.
Main Objective
Their intention is to sell the world, especially the world's poor, to the Devil and then the Rich and Republican politicians will be relaxing in paradise. Everyone else will live in the miserable world including the fools who fell for the Republicans. It is the dark side party of America.
Modern Usage
Res, Rei, Latin n. Thing.
- Publican \Pub"li*can\, n. [L. publicanus: cf. F. publicain. See Public.]. (Rom. Antiq.) A farmer of the taxes and public revenues; hence, a collector of toll or tribute. Other etymology is a combination of Pube/Licking.
- Republican \Re-pub"li*can\, n. 1. A collector of toll or tribute (taxes) that keeps coming back again, and again, and again, ... ; 2. A remover of the taxes and public revenues (mainly into their or their friends' pockets) ... ; 3. A political party that continuously puts pubes on soda cans, a practice started by Clarence Thomas from the latter, shunned etymology of Pube Licking as "Pube Licking Things", Res Publica.
The term "Republican" refers to a form of psychosis brought on by excessive bed wetting and sex with livestock and very hot bikini clad men who drive Chrysler 300s. The first known Republican was King Frou-frou the Impotent of Belgium (AD 1443-1465), best remembered for coining the phrase "Finger lickin' good". He was lynched by his subjects for failure to pay excessive library fines.
The term "Republics" is used to refer to the culture of the Republican Party. This typically consists of middle-aged white males, who are known to thump Rush Limbaugh, and tune into the Bible on the local Clear Channel radio station at 12:00 Noon EST.
In recent times there has been a falling out of the term "Republican" to mean the Republican Party in the vernacular. It is more oft used in the form "That party was Republican." Used in the nominative adjectival... adjectivivial... to describe things, it is a party where B.Y.O.P. is included in the invitation. B.Y.O.W. is commonly understood to mean "Bring Your Own Whore", although it has been more common for there to be an exchange of prostitutes at a Republican Party. It has become fashionable to trade prostitutes for favors at Republican Parties. A vibrant culture of women exchange has evolved in recent years. Of particular interest is the "Hooker Exchange," wherein a hooker is left in the coat of the Republican, checked at the coat check, and exchanged by an exchange of the coats.
Conspiracy?
Republicans tend to drink more pomegranate than orange juice.
There's no Jewish conspiracy, it's all a BIGGER conspiracy of the filthy RICH, which courageous White Knight Rand Paul has infiltrated by posing as a scumbag.
The Fucking Expensive Fruit Party of America.
The LICAN
There are various conspiracy theories about the Republican Party's connection with an international oil cartel, the Illuminati, and the church of Beavis Christ. However, there is a much darker goal of the Republican Party that has been hidden in the name of the party itself: Re-pub-lican.
The name reveals a program of establishing a federally implemented, funded (although I don't know where the party of tax cuts is going to come up with the money) and administrated Liquor Control Administration Network, known as the LICAN. The Republicans are modeling this network after Canada's Liquor Control Board of Ontario. The sale of liquor would be nationalized under this program, and only government run pubs would be able to sell alcohol. The first phase of the program is a temporary prohibition during which bars, pubs, and liquor stores would be shut down. The second phase, known as the re-pub phase will be the establishment of government run pubs and bars.
How it fits into a plan for a permanent Republican majority
Similar to the movie Strange Brew, the Republicans are secretly planning a mind control program through the sale of really cheap beer (only $1.79 for a can, $3 for a forty and $3.99 for a 6-pack!). Yes, this is part of Karl Rove's and Tom Delay's plan for a permanent republican majority. The LICAN, after courting several cheap beer companies such as Coors and Budweiser, has chosen Pabst Smears Blue Ribbon to be the national beer.
Criticism
Many Democrats, who have been privy to the secret funding or the LICAN, have expressed outrage. The most outspoken of these has been Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy, who has said: "No one with any taste whatsoever, would drink that garbage. Real men drink Guinness and Stolichnaya."
"Freedom"
"Freedom" is the word that Republicans use when they run out of ideas. For example, the war to liberate Iraqistan is now a clusterfuck. So, instead of talking about WMDs the GOP talks about freedom. Also, "Freedom" is a battle cry for republicans everywhere, even if they believe that women should wear burkas.
This is odd, since freedom contradicts all the things the GOP supports. For example, freedom means gay people can marry. It also means women want to "choose" while pregnant out of wedlock. It means that black people shouldn't have to pick cotton. It means that Mexicans should be free to cross a river and get a job. It also kind of assumes that Arabs want freedom, which is a bit like saying that dogs love piano recitals. Everyone knows that Arabs only want "freedom". So I guess Republicans are half-right.
However, the GOP objects for the freedom for gays to be "out of the closet" like that gay German guy Bruno, women to use the pill before they "do it", black people to drink from the same public water fountain (AIDS in the pool!), Mexicans for speaking Spanish in a land where foreigners should say it in English and even A-rabs for practicing a pagan devil-worship occult known as Islam.
Official Propaganda Spewer
Fox News serves as the official Republican propaganda spewer.
Fox News criticizes the big 3 TV networks for obscenity, profanity and vulgarity on their prime time schedules. But what about FOX network?
And most of all, Fox News is owned by an Australian, fair dinkum mate.
Tea Bagging
After losing the presidential election Republicans found a new way to get their way. Tea bagging. This includes watching Glenn Beck, gathering in central area and tea bagging each other, or burning Qurans.
Footnotes
- ↑ Formerly known as the Federal Government.
See also
- A Republican Party
- God-Fearing Republicans
- HowTo:Be a republican
- Nicholas Longworth
- Republican Jesus
