Dick Cheney

Sir Cheney the Dick
Political career
Order	46th Vice President
Vice President	Osama Bin Laden
Term of office	2001–2009
Preceded by	Al Gore
Succeeded by	Joe Biden
Political party	Republican Party
Personal details
Nationality	American... you sure?
Date of birth	June 6, 1946
Place of birth	James Park, Hell
Date of death	probably the very distant future
Place of death	N/A
First Lady	N/A

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Anti-Christ?

“I've outdone myself this time!”
~ Satan on Dick Cheney

Dick Cheney was the 46th United States Vice President, who currently lives deep within the fiery pits of Hell. He is a Republican, or, as the rest of the world has come to call them, a bastard. He has briefly assumed the presidency twice, the first time being when President Bush received a colonoscopy, and the second time being the next day when Bush went back to the doctors after realizing that the camera was still stuck inside his ass.

Cheney was initially meant to appear only in 2012, in order to bring on the apocalypse and kill all of human kind. But no one else wanted to be vice-president under the reign of George W. Bush because he farts a lot in the White House and it is unbearable. So they called in Dick, for his nostrils do not function properly because of an accident he had when he was a child (see Satan).

Early Life and nomination for Vice President

This is Dick Cheney when he was just a little smaller. Yes, he huffed kittens back then too.

Cheney was born somewhere in Nebraska to Billy Bob Cheney and his inflatable wife Jill. His parents called him Dick because they foresaw his wonderful career as a beloved and popular politician. In November 1962 at the age of five, Cheney was involved in the first of several drunk driving arrests. At the age of six Cheney went bald, an event which in his own words, "cruelly stripped him of his youth." Nonetheless he was married at the age of nine, to his longtime girlfriend Lynne Vincent. In his teenage years, Dick was a Wal-Mart greeter, but was soon fired after greeting people by saying, "Go fuck yourself." At the age of 18, he was old enough to be drafted and almost was, but he was given an exemption due to a mosquito bite.

As the 2000 election approached, Cheney was nominated to be the next Vice President of the United States. His membership in The American Society for Killing Mexicans greatly appealed to Republican voters, as did his grant to reinstate the Crusades in an attempt to wipe out the heathens and he won the nomination with ease.

On becoming nominated he celebrated by hunting and shooting a few of his redneck Republican friends, who did forgive him but only after consuming three bottle of Wild Kentucky Whiskey and the souls of three Mexican virgins.

Dick went on to achieve much, including mastering the puppetry controls of George W. Bush, although he did have some trouble with the speech controls.

(Vice) Presidency under George W. Bush

Typical response to the press.

The partnership of both eerily resembles the past.

Dick Cheney immediately went on a four week vacation after he was elected. He then went back to the White House, collected his paycheck, tied his shoes, and went on another vacation.

Then came the attacks of September 11th. While President Bush was being read to by a four year old girl, Cheney was in Cancun getting his anus waxed. "When I heard what had happened, I wasted no time and immediately ordered a martini." says Cheney.

When he got back to the White House two months later, Cheney made the rounds of the Sunday morning talk shows, where he blamed an ant who lived in Iraq for the September 11th attacks, despite the fact that the airplanes used to perpetrate the attacks had "Hijacked by terrorists who have never been to Iraq" painted on them.

Some have wondered whether Cheney blaming the attacks on the ant may have had something to do with the fact that the ant bit George H.W. Bush during his administration, and he failed to successfully squash it. Whatever the reason, Cheney proclaimed that the ant was in possession of 400,000 nuclear warheads, along with a superweapon capable of destroying an entire continent. As evidence, he pointed out the presence of a very suspicious looking empty water bottle next to the ant hill that "most definitely contains nuclear weapons." Cheney asked Congress for a declaration of war, and the war in Iraq began.

The Iraq War

The Iraq war began with a mass bombing of several thousand Iraqi cities, which killed 48,000 people and one ant. "HOORAY! WE GOT ONE!!!!", President Bush reportedly said. Cheney told the people that the war wouldn't last more than three days.

I was shot once too, but survived, beep.

Then, American soldiers surrounded the water bottle, carefully approached it, and looked inside. It was empty. The American public was informed of this, and Cheney's approval rating started going down. He then said that the ants had ties to evil space aliens who would kill everyone unless they supported the war. "You anti-American Democrats need to stop this fear-mongering!" said Cheney, "It's people like you who want the puppy-kickers to win! Now you have a choice here: would you rather support everything our administration does, or get boiled in a vat of stomach acid?" Support for the war shot up again.

Six years later, the ant was captured, removed from his colony, and charged with being inhuman. As punishment for this, he was hanged, shot, stabbed, and boiled alive. However, this did little to fix the mess that Iraq had become, and Cheney's approval rating plummeted to 23%. A bipartisan report was issued that recommended the formation of an immediate strategy, including the setting of timetables for troop withdrawal. Cheney condemned it as "too depressing", and the white house issued its own report: "Iraq is a lovely, sunny place, filled with flowers and butterflies. The people there love America, and any second now they will stop blowing themselves up and become a democracy, just like us."

This was part of a new military strategy introduced by Cheney: "imagination". "If we just pretend that we're winning, everything will be okay!" he said, "Victory! We win! HOORAY!!!!!!"

The Patriot Act

Cheney left his mark on American history

Another controversial aspect of Cheney's time in the White House is the Patriot Act. In 2005, George Dubya Bush, Vice President Cheney, proposed a bill that would make Bush the Supreme Chancellor of the United States Government. He also proposed that in wartime, he could be given emergency powers and assemble a Supreme Army of the Republicans with which to fight the evil Democratic Separatists. At war's end, he would relinquish those powers. When asked by reporters if he would abuse these powers, he electrocuted them with lightning from his hands.

Shortly afterwards, the USA PATRIOT Act was created by Bush and Cheney. The act decreed that the government could monitor what kind of condoms people use, what flavors of ice cream they prefer, how many people they have had sex with, and what their shoe sizes are. Based on this information, the government could create a database decreeing how likely people are to be terrorists. "Terrorists really like vanilla, but some are partial to raspberry," says an NSA spokesperson on what ice cream flavors terrorists like. The law also allows the government to read people's e-mails and listen to their phone conversations, because rule #1 of being a terrorist (according to the guide book authored by Abdul-Massah-Jabal) is "always have phone conversations and write e-mails in which you loudly say I'M A TERRORIST!!!" When asked if he thought this was unconstitutional, Cheney said "You must realize that the only way for us to protect America is to ignore the document on which it was founded!"

Dick Cheney: Not part of the Executive Branch?

Throughout his vice presidency, Cheney and Bush have both passionately argued that Dick Cheney indeed is not part of the executive branch, despite the fact that the Constitution says the Vice President is always part of the Executive Branch.

"Well, it's in very fine print," says Cheney on the subject, "But it's there. The constitution specifically says that if a vice president's initials are D.C., and they weigh over 300 pounds, they are not part of the legislative, executive, OR judicial branch, they are part of a little-known fourth branch known as the Empire Branch, in which members get to do whatever they want."

He then displayed a copy of the Constitution, in which, at the bottom, written in red crayon, was the rule described in the above quote. When asked which of the founding fathers wrote in red crayon, Cheney responded: "It was the mouse who rode around on Ben Franklin's shoulder." History textbooks were immediately revised to include this, and House Democrats instantly gave up on making Cheney face any consequences for his actions in the white house.

Expert shotgunmanship

Look! A quail!

In February 2006, while duck hunting with some friends, Cheney spotted Mahmoud al-Yamskiriq, a low-flying Palestinian quail that he identified as having ties to Al Qaeda, as well as having a weapon of mass destruction in its beak/cockpit. He immediately pulled out his bazooka, which until previously had been deviously disguised as his right arm, with the intention of "blowing away that terrorist bird". He missed, however, and hit fellow target aficionado Harry Whittington, who promptly exploded in a thunderous ball of fire and noxious gas like a dying star.

Whittington didn't realize it was a trap.

Democrats jumped on this opportunity to criticize Cheney, arguing that he should have used a nuclear missile. "If you're going to shoot someone, you might as well finish them off!" screamed Hillary Clinton, "Our vice president is incapable of even having a proper hunting accident!" Others criticized him for shooting his friend in the first place.

However, it wasn't the first time a member of the U.S. government had been involved in a potentially deadly accident during a sporting event. Abraham Lincoln drowned a man once during a game of Marco Polo, Harry Truman shot down two jet planes that he mistook for geese on a hunting trip, George Washington accidentally bit a girl's head off during an overly passionate game of spin the bottle, and Herbert Hoover stabbed an entire building full of people during a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey. In January 2009 he was elected Chairman of the NRA.

Medical History

At the age of approximately 79, Cheney's black heart went into uncontrollable spasms forcing surgeons to reconstruct his vascular system. Apparently 79 years of pumping 50 barrels of oil through his crisco lined arteries a day had taken their toll. After a week of Ammonia IV's and 4 Mean Green injections per day, the surgeons unfortunately agreed that only a series of stents, o-rings, and pvc pipe replacements would keep him alive for another 50 years. The materials for Cheney's overhaul were supposedly donated by Bill Gates as part of a bid by Microsoft to recycle obsolete computer parts.

Dick Cheney showing off his moves

Media career

Since leaving the White House, Cheney has emerged from his subterranean bunker to become a familiar television commentator, but his involvement with television and film began decades ago. In 1964 United Artists lured him to Hollywood as a creative consultant, to serve as a model for all of the James Bond villains. His most notable creations were the purely autobiographical characters Freddy Kruger and Hannibal Lector.

He has a recurring voice-acting role on the popular Adult Swim animated series "The Venture Brothers".

Weather Control

In August 2008, Dick Cheney discovered techniques on forming and controlling the path of hurricanes. The storm activity that resulted in the Atlantic which formed into Hurricane Gustav was created as an initial test run. If the project had been successful, Dick Cheney would have created more hurricanes prior to election day and steered them toward the ~~bastard Confederate States of America~~ Gulf Coast ~~to wipe out all the darkies who would have voted for Obama~~ in an attempt to disenfranchise black voters in the region who might have voted for the Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama. Unfortunately Cheney ran out of funding for the project as the price of oil dropped from $2,000 to 40¢ a barrel and it was never completed in time for the 2008 election.

Personal Interrogations

Dick Cheney growled at Bush, "I didn't get the name 'Dick' because it's short for Richard."

Cheney had long been waiting for a very special memo from an offical at the Department of Justice. The offical was named John Yoo, who had recognized Cheney ogling him at the opening of a snuff film. Cheney and Yoo became instant friends.

When Cheney finally received the report his aids left on his desk, saying that John Yoo wrote a memo essentially allowing waterboarding, a previously criminal offense, Cheney's eyes lit up, and he started giggling uncontrollably, one staffer reported.

Later, he went home where he reportedly stayed under his sheets with a flashlight all night reading the memo along with a copy of the Vietcong Manual of Water Boarding. The next morning, he flew to Cuba where he personally performed the first waterboarding by a US citizen in over 40 years.

President George W. Bush said he was waterboarded twice by Cheney during his administration. Once because he admitted there was no connection between Saddam Hussein and the 9/11 attacks, and the second time when Bush stole Cheney's lunch from the war room's refrigerator. An except from Bush's book quotes Cheney as saying the following:

"I didn't get the name Dick because it's short for Richard."

Bush frequently would take other people's lunches (some believe that Scott McClellan's memoirs criticizing the Bush administration was payback for the frustration he felt after years of having his sack lunch raided by Bush). Bush, however, never bothered Cheney's sack lunch again.

Family

The Cheney political tradition (water boarding, illegal wars etc.) is carried on by his daughter Elizabeth 'Liz Taylor' Cheney. Once touted as America's first female president and with a Conservative political rating of 90%, Wyoming Congresswoman Liz Cheney found herself on the wrong side of her Republican party when the latter rallied behind President Donald Trump. Quietly loathing Trump who had politically been a Democrat for most of his life before switching, Cheney broke with him when he invited his supporters to storm the White House on 6th January 2021. Now her party has thrown her out of positions of leadership and she is being cheered by liberals!