Capital punishment

A typical supporter of the death penalty.

“Capital punishes the poor for not being born able to afford to live.”

~ Karl Marx on Capital

Capital punishment, the death penalty, or execution is another very controversial issue for some reason, go figure. Maybe this world is going soft but that’s another topic. It should have some method of pain not just a poke of a needle and a gentle bed, whatever happened to the good old cushioned electric chair or when death row inmates had to stand while a firing squad began to practice aiming and shooting their guns?

Opinions

They put this sign when they're executing somebody especially in China.

Hairy Fairies

• "The death penalty only creates more death when the aim is to have less."
• "Why kill hundreds of free manual laborers?"
• "It's a waste of money. If we put them all in jail, the citizens will probably kill each other any way."
• "I need weed."

The Right People

• "Look citizens kill other citizens everyday. So the government should show citizens that killing is wrong by killing the citizens that kill other citizens. Only then will the citizens learn.”
• "If we outlawed the Death Penalty we'd have to do it in back alleys with coat hangers."
• "Why do you love rapists so much? Are you a registered sex offender or an unregistered one?"
• "The death penalty is a no brainer. I get to shoot my gun and get paid to do it! Whoopie!"

Individual Countries

United States

The United States continues to carry out electrocutions, in comparison with the more developed parts of the developed world, who have moved up to stoning and forced suicide. Candidates for the Death Penalty must first prove why they deserve to receive this treatment. Firstly they must commit a serious crime such as murder or rape, and then survive on a televised trial of mirth called Death Row. The latter involves working as a local bum in a cell for an arbitrary length of time. The severance package is what is said to be the main attraction of applying for the Death Penalty. Successful candidates receive a delicious gourmet meal of their specification before they leave this earth in an adequately well-publicized fashion.

In an effort to root out poverty, George W. Bush signed a federal law banning souls with an annual income of less than $9,500 in three consecutive years. Violating the law triggers an immediately executed death penalty. "We close unprofitable businesses, why not close unprofitable individuals?" Bush argued.

Australia

The death penalty in Australia is reserved for local flora and fauna who walk on the holy black ice. This is a crime punishable by death, Australians regularly patrol the ice (You might have us confused with Canadians. They have a much more annoying accent. Very similar to the American accent) and are encouraged to hit the animals for walking across their magic ice. Signage advising of species with a history of offending is provided for people who take up the cause. The animals that should go back to their own country deserve nothing less .

China

A participant at a public stoning gets a bit carried away...

Being a social egalitarian society the death penalty is distributed fairly among society to anyone who lives in Tibet or has heard of Buddhism.

Iraq

The recently liberated country has a flourishing grass-roots death penalty movement. Several organizations of various sizes are experimenting with the application of the death penalty. While many details remain to be worked out, activists are confident that a solution will be found. Said one member of the Mahdi Army "The death penalty movement is bound to overcome any internal disagreements because the death penalty itself can be used to resolve any disputes."[1]

Sweden

If you don´t buy a volvo/saab and go to IKEA at least every month, you get arrested and get the death penalty. But you can get away with the death penalty if you kill a polar bear.

Saudi Arabia

The Saudi's are so against Christmas, even mentioning figgy pudding can get you beheaded.

Soviet Russia

In Soviet Russia, penalty for death is YOU!!!

Norway

The death penalty is awarded for rape, bombing, human trafficking, arson, murder, endangerment of national security, terrorism, and masturbation.

A sweet death

Experts reckon, that if you want to bring back the death penalty, you need to make it sweet, very sweet indeed, which requires sweets. You attach a tube around the person you want to execute, then you throw sweets down it, forcing them to eat sweet sweets to the death. Amnesty International and all the other hippest of hippies, who are against the death penalty, cannot complain about it being a human rights violation, because they criminal dies a sweet death, which is undeniably awesome. So sweety, how about you bring in that form of death penalty and I hope you enjoy executing people with it.

See also

• Cruel and unusual punishment
• Dead Man Walking