Wapanese
Wapanese (more commonly known as Weeaboos, Otakus, and Cosplaya-san; Japanese: 糞便の巨大な固まり lit: "dungeon troll"') are socially-awkward honkies obsessed with anime who, by means of thoroughly warped postmodern acculturation processes, have decided to act as if they were Japanese. The term "Wapanese" is analogous to wigger.
Weeaboos are to anime as Trekkies are to Star Trek, the difference being they are far more annoying, and infinitely more deserving of a shiv between the shoulderblades. A self-proclaimed "otaku" can be identified on LiveJournal by their numerous posts full of anime-related quiz results and/or delusional rants about anything that has even the slightest possibility of being anime-related.
In the '90s and 2000s, being a weeaboo reached its fever pitch as an embarrassing teenage fad. However, in recent years, it seems to have died out to make way for bronies.
Definition[edit]
In America[edit]
Weeaboos are smelly, furry, plump creatures that are usually found in their natural habitats: their own mother's basements or in their dark rooms where the only sources of light are the bright glow of their computers or television. The word "otaku" is commonly mistaken by stupid Americans to mean "lovingly devoted", but means in Japanese "scary, pale, sociophobic pedophile". No matter what race they originate from, weeaboos quickly become white due to lack of sun from watching anime or surfing Gaia Online all day.
Weeaboos sit in their parents' basement or room all day, watching Japanese cartoons called anime. These cartoons usually feature one or more of the following: half-naked teen girls with oversized pupils, a sword-wielding guy with crazy hair, or fiery laser-induced explosions. An angered weeb acidic venom, however, this rarely happens, as they do not spend much time around anyone who annoys them, nor do they spend much time around anyone in general. Their choice of food is chocolate cornets, the droppings of Pikachus.
Whilst weeaboos may seem to converse in Pseudo-Japanese, they are in fact talking in a nonsensical stream of mindless babble which means nothing in any language. This lack of ability to speak any language offends all other cultures and civilizations. Specifically angered are Japanese Language students, who (after spending years of diligent study to converse in Japan's native language) are angered to the point of distraction by weeb-ese speakers.
Basically, you're a weeaboo if you fulfill two or more of the following defining traits:
- They worship at the feet of the goddess Ayumi Hamasaki and pray for her to deliver them to the promised land of the rising sun.
- Has an unhealthy obsession with anime, particularly anime intended for a young audience (see Pokemon, Sailor Moon and Yu-Gi-Oh!). They also live under the belief that all Western animation is garbage and every piece of it, from Steamboat Willie to The Incredibles, was copied from some obscure anime only 3 (or possibly less) people saw.
- Operates under the belief that every aspect of their own culture is vastly inferior to that of Japan’s — even though 99% of Wapanese have never had firsthand experience of any sort with their preferred culture (in other words, they’ve never set so much as one foot upon the island(s) of Japan). The more hardcore weebs even argue that Japan should have won World War II.
- Halfheartedly studies Japanese language and/or is a part-time practitioner of martial arts. For "practitioner," read "watcher of TV," as both are essentially the same to the Wapanese in this case.
- Repeatedly tries to mix Japanese words in English speech or use "Engrish" to sound either cute or funny, but comes off as an annoying asshole praying to get his or her ass kicked.
- Has a sword. Samurai, of course.
- May be afflicted with a terminal case of yellow fever; however, they constantly fail in their quest for Japanese poontang.
- Wears an anime costume (known as cosplay) on any time other than Halloween.
- Has an undying hatred of all other Asian cultures, especially Chinese, Tibetans, Filipinos and Koreans.
- Calls anyone that criticizes any aspect of Japan as "racist", even though everyone knows you can only be racist against black people.
- will or have managed to buy unauthorized novel of Final Fantasy and Narato, would have made their collection of fan fiction public too.
- When typing, they tend to use Emojis and smiley faces constantly throughout their text at horrifying amounts. It's not an uncommon sight to see them replacing commas and other punctuation by the latter ^_^
In Japan[edit]
Otaku, in its literal sense, means "honourable house" and used to be very polite term for people who are relative strangers; in the fandom sense, it was lightly insulting and used sarcastically in Japanese because it involved using a cold honorific on obsessives who probably don't deserve it, kind of using the phrase ironically. But Japanese people are all amnesiacs and require constant reminding of who they are anyway.
Originally referring only to train-spotters and the like, the "house" part has caused it to drift into also being used as a heavily derogatory term for basement dwelling virgin geeks who don't leave their houses, kind of hinting that it also refers to hermits. This was mainly because it was discovered that a suicidal serial child rapist in Japan sometime last Thursday had an extensive collection of lolicon and only ever left his house to get more. It is generally written only in katakana, to distinguish it from the non-derogatory use of the word, and to emphasize the fact that only stupid foreigners would ever take pride in such a label.
In Malaysia[edit]
In Malaysia, the term "otaku" also means a pedophillic anime freak. The local typea are easy to spot; just show the otaku a few pictures of girls and ask it to choose one, the selected is sure to be the most underage. One Malaysian state, Melaka, has become a particular breeding ground for these creatures.
Appearance[edit]
A weeaboo is usually seen wearing a T-shirt of a classic anime (like Dragon Ball Z or Ruroni Kenshin)—or better yet, one that still hasn't made it to American shores. They are also usually seen with messenger bags, embellished with anime logos, like Full Metal Alchemist, which are usually bought at Hot Topic. These bags are adorned with pins and key chains which are supposed to represent their personalities and interests without actual need for socialization. Most of them wear glasses for all their time spent playing video games, and those that don't, just buy them to upkeep the appearance. Sometimes, weeaboos may even cosplay when not intended in the style of their most favorite anime (This has been seen more often thanks to Naruto and Hot Topic). In terms of footwear, even though in the old days, most otaku were seen wearing sport foot wear, these days it is more common to see them wearing Converse or Vans footwear.
Weeaboos can also be easily spotted together if they are "speaking Japanese" in a group. They usually mutter it because they really have no idea what they're saying; for example, when a weeaboo thinks they called you a "Dumbass" they actually just said "I'm a person without a life and I pretend I know japanese stuff just to feel welcomed by a group of pimple- faced fat kids"
Religious customs[edit]
The otaku Goddess is the Hermaphroditic Haruhi Suzamiya, and they follow an ancient evangelical scripture called the Neon Genesis Evangelion. They worship their god by writing poetry and producing fanart for this creature. It is also customary to don her dress at anime conventions.
Recent years have shown an extreme increase in otakuitis-infecteds, and thus new religions and sects have been popping up everywhere. The Great Goddess of Armageddon is currently one of the more popular gods believed in by heathen otakus.
The otaku also believe that Japan is a magical place, a land of Milk and creepy animated porn because anime has originated from here. They believe that the Japanese are a magical, mythical people and that all Japanese people are hot. Some otaku go as far as considering Japan the place that God sealed from Adam and Eve once the original sin was committed, which some people later on started to call Eden.
Waifus[edit]
"Mai Waifu" is a weeaboo phrase literally not meaning "My Wife" in Japanese. The phrase originates from a scene from Azumanga Daioh. A "waifu" is an anime character that a weeaboo feels a special attachment to and "claims" her as his/her own. Some find waifuism to be unhelahty and a sign of a basement-dwelling neckbeard; others argue it is a wholly fulfilling lifestyle.
The female/gay equivalent of "Mai Waifu" is "Mai Husbando", because weeaboos are illiterate in both English and Wapanese.
| “ | Has your waifu inspired you or motivated you to do anything extraordinary in your life? For example, my waifu inspired me to pick up the guitar and learn to play it, and now I already have an electric one, and am pretty decent at it. She inspires me to go work out and stay healthy, because I know she wants me to be fit and healthy. Since I found my waifu, I lead a lot better life and am a lot happier. And the best thing about it, 3D girls don't even interest me anymore, which saves a lot of time and money. |
” |
Otakuitis[edit]
Recent studies by leading biologists at the International Organization for the Studies of Anime Physics and Physiology and Related Concepts Including Otakus (commonly abbreviated IOSAPPRCIO) have suggested a new mental disorder to be named, titled otakuitis. All of the symptoms listed above would be considered the official symptoms.
As of now, there is no known treatment for otakuitis. But until a cure is found, we suggest anything along the lines of exorcism.
Treatment[edit]
If you suspect your friend of being Wapanese, don't panic. There are possible treatments for this problem:
1. Kill Them: A dead Wapanese is a good Wapanese. A lead pipe to the base of the skull is a sure fire way to get them down. Afterwards, a chainsaw can be used to deliver the much deserved mutilation. Mutilation is necessary for preventing them from becoming Wapanese zombies (or at least preventing said zombies from being able to move).
2. Blinding: Being highly superficial creatures, the Wapanese only value things on a face basis. If they can no longer see their beloved mangas or subtitled animes, they will be forced to listen to American entertainment. Disguise the effort by imitating the Three Stooges and jab out their peepers.
3. Introduction: Have the afflicted Wapanese meet someone from the culture so fully worshiped. Undoubtedly, they will make a total ass of themselves from their misinformed notions about Japan and will be shamed back in to "regular" behavior. Note: Start by finding a Japanese male. If you find a Japanese chick, you will want to keep her for yourself.
4. HIV: If the Wapanese is inflicted with the life-ending virus, they will be forced to re-evaluate their life. This will cause them to realize that anime is not everything. If at all possible, try not to be to the one that passes it on to them. Bribe a cheap hooker instead.
5. Assassination: The death of their idol, Ayumi Hamasaki, will shatter their tiny world. There is the dilemma with figuring out how to kill an immortal being, which may be more of a predicament than the initial issue of fixing your friend. You know what, screw it. Try something else.
6. Garlic: Reputed for its curative abilities of dreaded horrors, a clove should be forced down the afflicted's throat daily for five years, twice for a full moon. This technique is also handy if you suspect them of being a vampire or an emo (or an emo vampire if you're unlucky enough). A stake through the heart or pushing them into sunlight is also highly recommended, though it will only anger them or possibly get them to shut up.
7. Kill Them Again: If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
8. Force Them to Emigrate to England: people have been practicing making total assholes of themselves for thousands of years, so the Wapanese will blend right in.
9. Poison: Give to the Wapanese rat poison mix it into wasabi sauce. He won't dare to recognize it has a bad taste, and thus he'll die successfully.
Gender confusion[edit]
There is controversy that otaku actually have two genders instead of one: Male and Female. Female otaku are usually believed to be adorned with black clothing which they usually purchase from Hot Gothic. They like to take two or more men that look like guys from an anime or manga and write fanfiction and produce fanart of them having intercourse; this is also sometimes referred to as yaoi. These otakus of indecisive gender are commonly referred to as fangirls, or in Japanese "腐女子", meaning "Rotten Girl".