Stargate episodes and movies

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To provide a stressful and over-elaborate plot line, Stargate episodes and movies is formed instead of one-long-droning-continuous-unending-annoying-boring-death-defying-crazy-extra-lengthy show. Due to the intervention of Wal Mart and McDonalds, commercials are placed at conflict ridden moments and hidden advertisements are common. Teal'c concurs.

Stargate is based off of a number of nerds going through a gate with a very un-Terminator like action hero. This fact alone lowered ratings. Due to this, a female nerd was added, which brought in a more nerdy audience. This prompting the creation of the Rings of the Stargate, the rival of the Church of Trek and The Holy Sacred Right of the Star Wars. Ratings went up further, prompting the separation of the Religious Right of Andromeda and the Holy Light of Firefly. To this date, the power of the people watching Stargate have created endless numbers of Stargate episodes and movies*. Teal'c concurs.

*Figures determined by the new Bedlam hospital of the Antarctic Empire.

All ten seasons of Star Gate, five seasons of Stargate Atlantis and all movies are available on pirated DVD from China. To acquire one, please consult the US Customs - Termination facility. Teal'c... disagrees with your illegal action. But reminds himself that this does not effect him finantially he doesn't care and thus... he concurs.


Title Original Airdate Movie Number Which Is Meaningless to Non-nerds Movie Information
Star Gate: The Slow Motion Picture January 1, O 1 A large blob of goo commanded by an unknown alien named Ra Ra Ra threatens Earth and it's allies. The non-Terminator-like guy O'Neill commands his wooden sailship Enterprise to stop the goo with a rag on a stick.
Star Gate II: The Wrath of Ra Ra Ra January 2, 100 2 Ra Ra Ra returns, commanding his rag tag fleet of wooden tug boats with gross ear worms he collected from Burger King Whoppers. O'Neill commands his wooden sailship Enterprise yet again, but with a longer rag on a stick.
Star Gate III: The Search for Carter January 3, 200 3 With Carter indisposed, O'Neill heads to the closest strip bar to look for another hooker nerd with no luck. After getting disappointedly laid five times, he decides to hijack his wooden sailship Enterprise and search for Carter, without his rag on a stick.
Star Gate IV: The Voyage to England January 4, 400 4 Departing the harsh nature of the American Indians, but their effective means of repairing AnOObis' ship, O'Neill and his team accidentally go forward in time to 1984 and almost stop the production of Star Trek V: The Voyage Home.
Star Gate V: The Horrid Frontier January 5, 500 5 Riding the waves of the Pacific Ocean, O'Neill and his team come upon a god-like figure (See: George Bush) and set on a journey to the moon on the wooden sailship Enterprise. Armed with two rags on sticks, O'Neill states, "Having sex with a man is better than this."
Star Gate VI: The Recently Discovered Country July 11, 606 6 Armed with a new maple wooden sailship Enterprise and three rags on sticks, O'Neill must meet with Ra Ra Ra to conduct peace talks. O'Neill screws up by telling Ra Ra Ra the location of Earth's Pizza Huts. High priced CGI ensues.
Star Gate VII: Regeneration January 7, 1500 7 O'Neill, fed up with MGM wanting to remove him from command, hijacks the ultra-strong wooden USS Enterprise and seeks revenge against Ra Ra Ra for ruining Pizza Hut prompting Little Caesar's triumph in the Pizza wars. Ra Ra Ra destroys Earth by launching an anal probe at Moon 2. Moon 2 explodes launching lots of poop. O'Neill, for his failure to stop the attack, cleans up the mess, in what he proclaims as, "What the heck man, I'm in the shower."
Star Gate VIII: Fatal Contact June 18, 1812 8 Britain, commanded by Ra Ra Ra in disguise, launches many Loos at the United States. O'Neill and his crew, under orders to patrol Iraq for suspicious activity, return home to defend their land. Going back in time, O'Neill screws up and, when returning back, finds Iraq overrun by invisible nuclear missile silos.
Star Gate IX: Resurrection August 5, 1975 9 O'Neill and his crew have been granted command of a rag tag fleet and a new ship called 'Battlewater Galactica'. While stopping at a Shell Gas Station to use the washroom, a Hurricane forms over the Galactica destroying it, leaving O'Neill to fend for himself in Cuba.
Star Gate X: Your Mom Smarch 6, 1994 10 Commanding the space shuttle Enterprise, O'Neill takes sharks with lasers on their heads to invade the Moon. Upon arrival, Daniel Jackson discovers a ring shaped structure he calls the Very Heavy Ring Like Structure Found In the Stars. Area 51, running out of ink in their pens, call it the Stargate.
Star Gate XI: Finale April 26, 2008 11 The last ever Star Gate movie to be made will be released later this year. Unfortunately, due to the writers nack for airing season finales simply as a lookback at the previous episodes, this will spoil the whole movie. It will just be Jack O'Neill remembering everything he has ever done as part of the SG-1 team, and then he will spontaneously combust before the credits role. Expect cameo roles from Sam Carter, a Jaffa-cake by the name of Teal'c, and a politically correct twat called Dr. Jackson. They will all die as well probably, just to add to the high drama. Then Apepsi will return for the millionth time with new hair to make up for it and declare he is ruler of the galaxy, shortly before his First Prime kindly reminds him that he is infact just ruler of Scotland.
Star Gate XII: Return Groundhog Day, 2012 12 Proving that good things never come to an end, producers in America decide they are in need of some more money and decide to drain the Star Gate franchise a bit more. The whole SG-1 team is resurrected through the power of the Asgard, who are quite frankly fed up of saving Earth's asses. The team is sent to Scotland to finish Apepsi once and for all, but he escapes through an underground tunnel and appears the next day in Cardiff, Wales. He decides he does not like the smell of the whole country and orders a Goa'uld air strike to wipe out the country. He did not think of the consequences however, and eliminated himself in the process. The SG-1 team go home through the Stargate and eat Doritos until the writers come up with another terrible storyline involving Apepsi returning with new facial features and better technology.
Star Gate XIII: Apepsi In Your House! December, 2013 13 Apepsi returns again from the depths of Hell, only to find that he is infact a woman, and has been all this time! He becomes pregnant with General Hammond's offspring. This causes him to go into a state of depression so he becomes a prostitute and offers himself at $5 a night. Teal'c concurs/agrees etc. Then Jack O'Neill comes out of retirement for the thousandth time only to declare that he is retiring again, and keeps repeating this process until it becomes tedious. Sam Carter marries Dr. Jackson but then murders him for no apparent reason. Expect there to be another movie, including resurrections and tedious storylines.
Star Gate XIV: A Better World October, 2064 14 A new Stargate is uncovered on Earth, apparently a prototype built by Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich in 1994. Years of inactivity in Devlin's dusty basement prove disasterous, as when the Stargate is activated, a circuit gets fried, altering the fundemental constants of the space-time continuum and causing the universe to reboot. Jack O'Neill transforms into Snake Plisskin, and aliens across the universe are suddenly unable to speak perfect American English. But on the plus side, the Stargate network is now more feul-efficient.

Season 1 - SG-1[edit]

Title Original Airdate Episode Number Which Is Meaningless to Non-nerds Episode Information
Children of the Dogs (Part 1) September 27, 1997 101A The Go'old Apepsi arrives on Earth after finding a dead symbiote in his pizza. He attempts to bomb the reformed SGC Pizza Hut, O'Neil and his team go after him on Abyntfs with sexy results.
Children of the Dogs (Part 2) September 27, 1997 101B SG-1 encounters Abyntfsian Rick Astley, who joins the team and proceeds to challenge Apepsi to a karaoke contest. Apepsi wins, and is able to seduce Daniel Jackson's wife. Daniel gets mad. He spends the next 34.239874 years stalking her, before she dies in season 35.239874 due to complications of Type 2 Diabeetus. Teal'c concurs.
The Mole September 21, 1997 102 A reality show production team moves into the SGC, with one of the members as a Go'old agent on a mission to destroy the SGC Pizza Hut. Teal'c shoves the agents head into the sink trash collector and sells the body on EBay for $10,000.
Incapacitation September 21.5, 1997 103 Carter loses her virginity to very tight pants while off-world and then is raped by O'Neill's gun. He later uses his gun to trade back a kidnapped Carter. When asked about the experience, Carter says, "It's my first, how am I supposed to know?"
The Braga Divide September 27, 1997 104 Carter encounters yet another sexual encounter when Brannon Braga guest stars and brings the polywater intoxication virus from Star Trek. O'Neill becomes rabid and calls himself 'Ricky the rabid racoon'.
The Eleventh Commandment Day of Rising, 1 AD 105 SG-47 leader Martha Stewart proclaims herself queen of England and divides the kingdom into two to Mr. T and O'Neill. Carter is banished to France but returns, with more sexy results.
Hot Dogs! October 13, 666 106 O'Neill finds a crystal on a planet shaped like a penis, it forms a duplicate of O'Neill in the shape of, you guessed it, a hot dog.
The Fort Knox October 17, 1997 107 SG-1 discovers a group of Indians on a far off world in a galaxy far far away. They call themselves the Chakotays, the holders of the sacred tattoos.
Everlasting Wax October 27, 1997 108 SG-1 visit Argos. Jack gets laid. Meanwhile, Daniel and Teal'c have trouble reading the catalogue.
Thor's Spoon November 3, 1997 109 O'Neill and Teal'c are trapped in a Star Trek-esque arena where they must fight Llien'O and C'laet with James T. Kirk presiding. The battle ends when Kirk discovers Carter in an Orion woman disguise.
The Everlasting Torment of Doom November 3.1415926535, eln 110 SG-1 discover Oprah Winfrey, who had gone through the Stargate in Africa after inhabitants said it was a means of enlightenment. She hands them a book on the Forty-Seven Great Races. Jackson takes it and SG-1 leave Oprah behind. A thank you ham is given to all in Africa.
Eleven November 11, 1111 111 Teal'c returns home to find out his son, Why'yac, is to be implanted with eleven Go'old symbiotes. Teal'c has eleven days, eleven hours and eleven minutes to determine eleven separate ways to kill all eleven symbiotes to eventually have sex with eleven women.
Oil and Water November 23, 1997 112 Jackson drowns in oil and is taken prisoner for information, or is he really? O'Neill and the rest of SG-1 return home to inform Hammond, or do they? They try to go back to investigate if Daniel is really gone, or do they really? Does this episode exist or am I just confusing you?
Hackz0r5 December 1, 1997 113 Pamela Anderson arrives on the base, instantly taking control of all the men on the base. Carter rounds all the women and forces Dr. Frasier to give them breast implants to take the men for themselves.
The Bomb that Was, that Is, that Was... December 8, 1997 114 SG-1 finds a girl who carries a bomb that is activated by proximity to the Stargate. A bomb squad is sent into the girl to defuse it, but they find a dragon, so a dragon squad is sent in, who find Borg, so a Borg squad is sent in, but they find a bomb, so they call for the bomb squad. The bomb squad defuses the bomb, but finds a dragon, so they call in the dragon squad, but they find the end of the world. The girl survives, but is forever called, "The End of the World".
Corel January 12, 1998 115 Teal'c is sentenced to death for forcing a culture to use Corel instead of Photoshop while he was under the command of Apepsi. When Apepsi attacks, Teal'c has ten-million chances to stop the attack with Photoshop Plus, a program he has never used.
MyEnig February 6, 1998 116 Already bored of their journeys, O'Neill and the others go to a vulcanic planet in hopes of killing themselves. They, instead, go to a planet full of ice and save a bunch of mammoths known as the Tollbooths. Much tax paying ensues.
The Antarctic Empire February 30, 1998 117 Attempting to return to the United States, O'Neill and Carter find themselves in the middle of The Antarctic Empire, a territory the USA has avoided for fifty years. Penguins invade the SGC and set up a ice cream kiosk, ending the Pizza Hut business.
T-1000 Smarch 6, 1998 118 T-1000s clone themselves in the form of SG-1 and find themselves in Cheyenne Mountain. They force the creation of Cyberdyne Systems Corporation. O'Neill must return from the future and destroy his clone's Skynet.
This was a ground-breaking episode of Star Gate. When viewers realised O'Neill DID infact have Terminator-esque qualities, ratings went up. However, all effects from this episode, including the complete destruction of the USA, the Antarctic Empire, and the Stargate itself, are forgotten.
Mirror, Mirror UnMarch, Un-17, Un-1998 Un119 Jackson finds a talking mirror that sends him into an alternate reality. O'Neill has a beard, as does everybody else, and all the women wear skimpy clothing. The Jessica Simpsons invade under the control of the alternate-Apepsi, the SGC offers no resistance and is destroyed by the sexual results - Jackson leaves with the real Jessica Simpson.
Mad Money April 3, 1998 120 The United States government threatens to close the SGC due to declining stock prices. Jim Cramer steps in and offers Hammond five stocks that could make him some mad money. At the end, Jackson, after spending ten nights with Jessica Simpson, tells all that Apepsi is coming. Nobody worries and all focus on Jessica Simpson.
Ah Crud, We're Screwed April 13, 1998 121 Ignoring Jackson's warning, the USA misses out on fifty years of preparing a weapon against Apepsi that could ultimately destroy him. SG-1 becomes mad and forms their own minor nation in the gateroom, thus entering the gate into Apepsi's ship. They arrive infront of Apepsi's control console and are thrown with force into the Brig. Teal'c breaks his toe, nobody cares.

Season 2 - SG-1[edit]

Title Original Airdate Episode Number Which Is Meaningless to Non-nerds Episode Information
Ah Crud, Your Mom Was Screwed September 27, 1998 201 Using your mom's special chili recipe, the SG-1 team is able to elude Apepsi's forces with flatulent gases. They escape, and Apepsi leaves. Everybody shrugs and continues their day.
Out of the Line of Duty September 27.47, 1998 202 Carter eats 'The Broth of Plenty', becoming a Go'old despite one-million viewers yelling at her at their television sets. Can O'neill stop a death-defying deadly-to-the-max assassin before they kill Carter? Yes, yes he can.
Pass Go September 21, 1998 203 After getting drunk at a huge party, the SG team exceeds lawful car speeds returning to the SGC and are thrown into jail. There, they meet the 'Destroyer of Worlds'.
Collect 200 Dollars September 25, 1998 204 Getting out of jail, the SG team challenge Reginald Barclay to a game of Monopoly. O'Neill gets thrown into jail five times, Daniel Jackson wusses out after having to pay a hotel-run Boardwalk.
MORE! September 27, 1998 205 Daniel Jackson meets one-hundred beautiful women and does them in a sarcophagus. O'Neill must face the music and clean it with his tongue.
Hor's Wooden Chair Septober Eleventeenth, 1998 206 SG-1 finds that actions of the past have ruined a planet for good. They let Hammond know, let Hor deal with it, and take the day off.
Message of PAIN! October 11, 1998 207 The SG team encounters a harmful parasite that they spread to others in the SGC. Daniel must let the parasite communicate before the base is overrun with explosive diarrhea.
Family Matters October 17, 1998 208 Why'yac discovers Apepsi in an escape pod and nurses him back to health, swearing to assist Apepsi whenever he needs. In return, Apepsi forces Why'yac to obey him. Teal'c sues and gets $100,000.
I'll Never Teeeellll... October 27, 1998 209 A reporter threatens to reveal the secret ingredients used in the SGC Pizza Hut. In retaliation, the Pizza Hut is turned into a Kentuckistan Fried Chicken. Apepsi sues and loses another $100,000.
The Tok'ers November 3, 1998 211 O'Neill accidentally drops his chocolate bar, alerting an alien species called the Tok'ers, who are against the Go'old, yet are Go'old. O'Neill, in his confusion, alerts Carter that her father is dying and has them thrown into prison for the 42nd time this season.
The Tok'ers, Part 1/2 November 13, 1998 212 Carter's father, Bocaj, merges with the Tok'er Bigmac who tips off Apepsi of the Tok'er's base. Everybody shrugs it off and blame Whopper as the Tok'ers move to their next planet nicknamed 'Needafix'.
The Eagle Soars High Hawk on the 1st, Year of the Bear 213 SG-1 meet Indians, powerful they are, like soaring bird. Cost of Titium increases, like prostitute.
Touch the Stone December 8, 1998 214 A rogue team named RP-1 steals a planet's 'touchstone', a penis-shaped weather control device. They bring it to Earth to control the weather. See: Hurricane Katrina
The White Hole January 2, 1999 215 The SGC dials a planet which is being destroyed by a white hole. Unable to shut down the gate, the SGC personnel use the cafeteria's meatloaf to construct a huge bio-weapon to shut it down.
The Fourty-Eighth Race January 28, 1999 216 O'Neill finds the special Ancients' Peace Pipe, giving him their knowledge, libido and ability to see magical lights and more than ten fingers. Only Daniel Jackson can interpret O'Neill through his knowledge of the language of butt shaking.
The Episode with No Title, Yet Has One February 15, 1999 217 Apepsi screws up and loses his license with Pepsi. He goes to Earth and the SGC requesting asylum, however the Go'old SCokear demands to torture him for knowledge of how to make Pepsi's secret ingredient: pVVn20r5
Strangely enough, this episode corresponded with Pepsi's removal of license from the SGC's KFC. Those maniacs! Soon they shall realise their mistake unless they find...the antidote...
Ah Crud March 5, 1999 218 Daniel Jackson accidentally switches his body with a man named My'Jello. Stuck in a boneless body, can Daniel reach the SGC's KFC and switch his body back with the pimply KFC's fryer employee?
One Small Step March 17, 1999 219 SG-1 introduces a cure to a planet, in which they turn it into a cure for cancer. Teal'c, getting drunk, throws the medicine in the planet's lake. The SGC drains the lake, leaving the planet without water. Hammond throws a ham through the gate to the planet and gives them a $10 gift card to Home Depot.
The Uncloak April 5, 1999 220 An Uncloaked species named the Reek'Too invade Earth and are only visible in a 4-D state that can be seen by scientists and nerds. Can Samantha Carter's 1337 team consisting of Stephen Hawking, Bill Gates and Q prevent Earth's demise using Gate's experimental Windows Uncloak? Extremely doubtful.
69 April X, 1999 221 The team travels back in time and sleeps with people. To avoid changing history, the team must worship at the altar of Roddenberry and must use the forks if they are to get home. Featuring a-guy-that'll-comes-back-again as the superior anterior junior airforce officer Hammerhead. Syndicated as "TARDIS to Woodstock" due to sexual explicitness of "69". Resyndicated as "69" due to slippage of ratings.
In Your Pants XX/XX/XXXX 222 O'Neill discovers that he was frozen for forty-seven years. Carter discovers that she was frozen for forty-seven years. Daniel discovers he was frozen for forty-seven years. Teal'c discovers that he's been a virgin for forty-seven years. Hathor also discovers she's been a virgin for forty-seven years, and plans to put a CG snake in O'Neill to rectify this.

Season 3 - SG-1[edit]

Title Original Airdate Episode Number Which Is Meaningless to Non-nerds Episode Information
In Your Pants xxx xx, 1999 X-301 Hathor has sex with O'Neill, which could kill him. Teal'c, upset that he lost a chance with Hathor, goes with Hammond to save SG-1 southern-style: YEE HAW!
The S xxx xx, 1999 X-302 A Go'old that's been operating a cult for five-hundred years is JUST discovered by the SGC, and a guy who's son has been in the cult for ten years just reports of it also. 'The S' blames Michael Jackson, who in turn discovers that Daniel Jackson is his brother.
Fair Game, Unfair Strategies xxx xx, 1999 X-303 The Asgard come to Earth to strike a peace treaty with the Go'old. The Go'old blow up one of the Redshirt quarters, O'Neill exclaims: 'He's dead George'.
They're Coming For Me! xxx xx, 1999 BC-304 Daniel Jackson is admitted to a mental facility for complementing Wesley Crusher. Can SG-1 and the doctors convince him that Wesley is, indeed, the annoying snob that he is?
Leaning Curve xxx xx, 1998 Whatthedeuce-305 O'Neill discovers a planet whose kids are geniuses. He takes them back to Earth, names them 'Jack O'Neill' and makes them go to university so that he can have a degree in 'everything', including three in sexology.
Pay-Per-View xxx xx, 1999 306 An alternate reality version of Samantha Carter arrives in our world requesting help to save her universe. In exchange for helping to save her universe, she and the normal Carter give a lesbian scene for O'Neill.
Live Switch XXXX xx, 1999 307 A bounty hunter by the name of Cat goes after SG-1 because they didn't attend their ten court hearings in SCokear's court. SG-1 gives him $1000 and a ham and the bounty is called off. SCokear kills Cat and hires Dog, the bounty hunter.
Dungeons and Dragons xxx xx, 1999 308 SG-1 frees a woman who is about to be sacrificed, only to find themselves stuck to the sacrifice chains. Can they find their way out of the Unas' body before it has it's mexican refried bean meal?
Cheating Engagement XXXX xx, 1999 309 Attempting a $1 million stunt, SG-1 arrive through the Stargate in a highly-textured vessel and begin war games with a fake human team with hyper-advanced weapons with ultra-cool beam weapons. Staff weapons are upgraded to have fantastic high-res textures. Explosions destroy half the set, but, in the end, SG-1 is unsatisfied and leave the half-destroyed planet without learning the lesson of the day - it's a tv show.
A Minute In a Day XXXX xx, 1999 310 Daniel meets his ex-wife who shoves divorce papers in his face, Teal'c quickly shoots her, effectively killing her and voiding the papers. Daniel is unable to claim her assets and must pay for his breast implants on his own.
The Naked Now XXXX xx, 1999 311 The team travel to a planet that has collective amnesia. They later find out that one woman is not like the others and has slept with everybody on the planet. From learning what O'Neill learned in school, and after spending a night with this woman, O'Neill exclaims, "I have slept with everybody on this planet in one day!".
Jolinar's Forgotten Memories of Doom XXXX xx, 2000 312 SG-1 goes to Hell, where they meet Carter's dad, making it hell/2. When they meet Apepsi, it instantly becomes HellxHell, which equals Hell squared! Despite the finding, Carter is happy to make the calculation.
Jolinar's Forgotten Memories of Doom 2 XXXX xx, 2000 313 Apepsi tortures SG-1, turning Hell squared into Hell cubed. Carter gives the mathematical equation to Apepsi while SG-1 escapes. Apepsi, happy about the equation, gives it to SCokear. SCokear, pleased to learn of his 'Hell Cubed', kills himself to turn the real Hell into 'Hell Cubed'. SG-1 returns home, dropping by the convenience store to pick up milk.
I Want to Hold Your Haaaaand! XXXX xx, 2000 314 Dr. Frasier gives everybody an injection up their rear end. They wake up finding themselves in alien contraptions, unable to go to the washroom without extreme pain. Can they face their fears and defeat the aliens by running through the corridors wearing rainbow shirts, holding their hands, and playing Hansen music?
Past Tense XXXX xx, 2000 315 To save their old friend Skaara, O'Neill brushes up on his law and goes to Tollana to return him to Abyntfs. Due to Tollana's laws of exiling men with woman's hair, O'Neill's case ends quickly and Skarra gives him $2000. He blows it on beer.
Urges XXXX xx, 2000 316 The team falls victim to alien technology and "falls" with each other when the being 'Urges' takes over their mind. O'Neill develops an urge to eat steak while reading a Playboy magazine, Carter develops a hair spray fetish, Daniel develops the urge to keep seeing his wife's grave and Teal'c develops the urge to turn on his symbiote.
10000000000000 days XXXX xx, 2000 317 O'Neill, sitting at the toilet, fails to make it back to the Stargate when a meteor buries it. Can he return home while attempting to beat his constipation?
Shades of Black, With a Touch of Blue XXXX xx, 2000 318 O'Neill steals a portable ion cannon and destroys major Tollan buildings and areas. He returns home and defects to the NID and, through this, reveals who's involved in criminal activities. Hammond reveals the bombing of Tollana was a simulation and that O'Neill was faking everything to capture the NID. SG-1 instantly run to the holodeck to blow up things.
Old Dirt XXXX xx, 2000 319 SG-1 starts up a war on a planet - again. Carter wins O'Neill's 'off-world war count' pool. She wins $2.19.
Nature's Call XXXX xx, 2000 320 Daniel attempts to save a young boy from the grasp of Apepsi, who has now taken on the alias, "Apepsi Jackson, the God Formerly Known as Apepsi". Annoyed with typing that out, script writers just put down 'That Guy'.
Giving Head XXXX xx, 2000 321 Find big man. Find head. Stare at head. Do stuff with head. Talk with big man. Go home.
Star Trek: Nemesis XXXX xx, 2000 322 O'Neill is beamed aboard Thor's ship where he will be killed by the Replicators. O'Neill sues Thor, despite him being on Thor's will. O'Neill beams the rest of SG-1 aboard so he can stay alive to enjoy what he will receive on Thor's will - A bag of chips.

Season 4 - SG-1[edit]

Title Original Airdate Episode Number Which Is Meaningless to Non-nerds Episode Information
Star Trek: Renemesis July 5, 2000 401 Living Lego pieces who name themselves Replicators invade the world of the Asgard. Ironically enough, at the same time, a Replicator appears on Earth. O'Neill shrugs and destroys them using Mega-Bloks.
Odo July 20, 2000 402 SG-1 discovers a civilization of shapeshifters led by a being named Odo who are at war with another faction on their world. They eventually find out that Odo's civilization is actually battling Mormons deep under Earth because they 'refuse to shapeshift into toilets'.
Downgrade August 1, 2000 403 The Tok'er arrive at Earth to allow SG-1 to test a new device they found. They discover the devices are a contraceptive. $1 billion is spent on development of the devices and another billion on finding the planet Orion or Delta IV.
Unsigned Intersection August 15, 2000 404 SG-1 enlists the help of the Tok'er when a Jaffa provides plans to destroy the Go'old once and for all, which begins with the dismantling of all of Earth's weaponry. Teal'c is skeptical of the plan, but a bribe from O'Neill changes his mind.
Multiply and Succumb August 27, 2000 405 With no weapons available on Earth, a Go'old assassin arrives and begins shooting up the gate room. Set designers, enraged by the set damage, pay the billions to reequip Earth with it's weaponry.
That Time-Loop Episode September 5, 2000 406 SG-1 requests help from a scientist out of a list of five-thousand. By stroke of luck, they choose the mad one.
That Time-Loop Episode September 5, 2000 406 SG-1 requests help from a scientist out of a list of five-thousand. By stroke of luck, they choose the mad one.
That Time-Loop Episode September 5, 2000 406 SG-1 requests help from a scientist out of a list of five-thousand. By stroke of luck, they choose the mad one.
That Time-Loop Episode September 5, 2000 406 SG-1 requests help ... screw this, time to bang some chicks.
That Time-Loop Episode September 5, 2000 406 SG-1 requests help from a scientist out of a list of five-thousand. By stroke of luck, they choose the mad one.
That Time-Loop Episode September 5, 2000 406 SG-1 requests help from a scientist...and shoot him.
Farmgate September 21, 2000 407 SG-1, with Deanna Troi, invade Russia and go through their gate, finding themselves in the middle of Neverland Ranch. Suicide attempts fail.
The Last Ones October 5, 2000 408 Daniel Jackson is captured by an Unas, a fearsome creature that descends from the Grue. Jackson attempts the right door and escapes.
Oops, We Did It Again October 16, 2000 409 SG-1 set fire to a planet, and then argue about who's fault it was. O'Neill wins a bet with Hammond once they return to Earth.
Somewhere Up There October 23, 2000 410 SG-1 watch Metropolis.
Point of Return November 6, 2000 411 SG-1 discovers that the whole world knows about the Stargate program. They hire the mafia to hunt down the snitch who released the information. Due to some weird cosmic event, the program becomes unknown again, and the mafia don't get their money.
Parabola November 16, 2000 412 O'Neill and Teal'c test out the new Phoenix warp ship. The ship blows up before liftoff, launching the drop pod into the atmosphere and into space on an unending journey. O'Neill and Teal'c begin playing poker before succumbing to air loss. Survival comes in the form of Teal'c using his winnings to call a taxi.
The Cursed November 23, 2000 413 Daniel becomes a Go'old, only to find out he's in the mind of his girlfriend, who is in fact a Tok'er disguised as a Jaffa warrior, who's spying as a Reek'too who specializes in impersonating humans who infiltrate the Go'old as an Ori prior.
The Serpent's Task at Hand December 1, 2000 414 SG-1 must stop Apepsi from forming an alliance with Coca'colaur. Teal'c is tortured by the Go'old by trying different brands of cola flavors.
Chain Mail December 10, 2000 415 General Hammond resigns after he fails to file his tax returns and is forced to write chain mail letters in order to gain money to pay the IRS. Meanwhile, the SGC gets a new commanding officer: the owner of the establishment's Pizza Hut.
2084 December 17, 2000/2084 416/4700816 After the American population mis-elects a person from an insane asylum in the future, members of SG-1 must send a message into the past. But first they must eat a bear, then bypass 1047 security checks, then send their luggage through sixty-five checks, then be strip checked 5 times. After that, they must have their letter to the past checked by scientists to ensure it is not full of illicit objects.
Absolute Power Corrupts ... Absolutely? Who Writes this Stuff... December 25, 2000 417 Daniel Jackson orders everybody to work on Christmas at half pay. O'Neill attempts a rebellion only to realise he's dreaming, and that he slept through Christmas.
The Light - IT BURNS! January 5, 2001 418 O'Neill, like, finds this totally radical ... wow ... everything's so significant now ... the letters look at them goooooooooooo hehheheheheheh, so, yea, what was I saying, O'Neill ... heh, what a funny name. Kneel before O'Neill! I wonder if O'Neill dreams of Carter .... wow, the kids they could have ... ooooh man, I really need to lay off The Light ...
Stuck-Up January 15, 2001 419 A snotty USAF cadet threatens to expose the SGC to the world. SG-1 grabs the cadet and throws her into a black hole. When she threatens to sue, it's ten-thousand years in the future on an Earth full of O'Neills and Carters.
Slashdotcom-404ERROR!EJECT! January 14, 2001 420 A highly advanced AI hacks into Carter's body and takes her over, hoping to determine the secret ingredients to Colonel Sanders' chicken.
Daily Double January 21, 2001 421 O'Neill bids $2000 on the Daily Double, while his 1st clone tells him to bid $2001, while his 2nd clone tells him to bid $2002, while his 3rd clone tells him to bid $2003, while his 4th clone tells him to bid $2004, while Teal'c's 5th clone tells him to bid 'Indeed, if I was in Colonel O'Neill's place I believe I would bid 2005 of your American currencies.'
Exuent Feburary 5, 2001 422 O'Neill, who won a Ha'tak vessel from Jeopardy!, pimps it up and shows it to Bigmac. Bigmac offers to fill it up with Tok'er gas, only to take it to destroy his system's sun to destroy Apepsi's incoming fleet. The sun explodes, throwing SG-1 with Bigmac on the 'Pa'tak' and Apepsi's vessel outside of the galaxy. They begin slapping each other.

Season 5 - SG-1[edit]

Title Original Airdate Episode Number Which Is Meaningless to Non-nerds Episode Information
He Did What to Whom Now? July 7, 2001 501 Apepsi beats Teal'c at a game of chess and must now be his slave, developing their own personal safeword of 'To the Death'. Together, they take over O'Neill's 'Pa'tak' and deplete his store of McDonalds cheeseburgers. Replicators, while they're distracted, board the ship and return it to the Milky Way Galaxy in order to continue their never-ending quest to find Colonel Sanders' secret recipe.
Tom Paris' Tongue July 20, 2001 502 With Apepsi dead, SG-1 return home with the brainwashed Teal'c. They challenge him to games of chess, Monopoly, checkers, Risk, Battleship and Pin-The-Tail-On-The-Donkey with no success. Bra'strap arrives, sentencing Teal'c to a thousand kicks-in-the-crotch if he doesn't convert. He complies after one kick.
Descension August 2, 2001 503 Sam Carter is visited by a man who claims to come from the 'Plains of Descension' and warns her of the dangers of connecting her new computer to the Internet. He promises to protect it for as long as it works for one thing in return - an autograph from Amanda Tapping.
The One-Hundred Men August 15, 2001 504 SG-1 attends a science-fiction convention, only to find that a hundred visitors all have SG-1 badges on, claiming they are part of SG-1. Can Jack find the rest of his team in the swarming crowd of SG-1ers?
Blue Sky August 25, 2001 505 Samantha Carter performs an illegal operation dialing a planet incorrectly, detonating it's sun. The team shrugs and moves onto the next planet after shutting down and restarting the dialing program.
Rightousness of Passé September 5, 2001 506 Dr. Frasier's daughter, Cassandra, has sexual intercourse with her boyfriend, prompting 'mind fire', a time where all her senses are increased to the max. The doctor doesn't know what to do, so she lets Cassandra out into the backyard to hang out with the dog.
World of Warcraft September 21, 2001 507 Daniel Jackson attempts to become the best World of Warcraft player on the internet, creating a character named Unas - The loveable chimney sweeper that's quick as a fox but clean as a thistle. Little does he realise that his dream is a reality in the planet W0W-310, where his 'Unas' is a real chimney sweep and is secretly planning his revenge against Daniel Jackson by stockpiling '+1 Attack Points'.
The Trombone October 1, 2001 508 SG-1 finds a Russian officer on a planet offworld - killed by an unknown alien. Teal'c notices that the officer has his missing trombone. After impressing SG-1 with his trombone skills, they return home and leave a message on Russia's answering machine.
Out of the Frying Pan... October 14, 2001 509 The Tollan agree to give Earth forty-seven Tollan ion cannons (Those huge honking space rays that shoot Go'old motherships out of the air). Little do they realise that they are lying, and intend to give them forty-eight cannons. Samantha Carter ruins the deal by asking for one more, in which they are told 'No cannon for you! One year!' and kicked out.
2100 October 24, 2001 510 Samantha Carter breaks into Tollan and steals the cannon she wanted, it blows up in her face covering her in manure. A guy named Boring shows up and offers to give the SGC smell repellents if they agree to release a sterility chemical in the atmosphere of Earth. They decline and they move to a new mountain named 'Cheyenne Mountain - By Pizza Hut' and wait for Sam to 'freshen up' before returning.
Desperate Housewives November 6, 2001 511 Samantha Carter, while waiting to lose her manure smell, becomes addicted to the Desperate Housewives television show. She soon realises she's in a 'desperate' situation of her own when a man arrives and threatens to kill her. She says 'no', and he shrugs and leaves. What will happen next week? Will Samantha realise she has an unknown daughter or son, or that her old flame will return?
Wormhole - TO THE EXTREME!!! November 15, 2001 512 A television station plans on making a Star Gate television show based on the television version of Star Gate. The United States government fully backs it, but the FCC has their own plans. Can SG-1 infiltrate the FCC and allow the television project to continue?
Proven Grounds November 22, 2001 513 O'Neill trains a group of new SGC recruits, only to find that they're nOObs who camp and are complete lamers. When the SGC is overrun by pwnies, can O'Neill and his nOObletts retake the base?
24 December 24, 2001 514 When Teal'c is stuck in the Stargate memory, the SGC must fork over $24 million to expand its RAM until Samantha Carter can develop twenty-four methods to remove Teal'c from the Stargate in twenty-four ways.
Something X Year, X Month, X Day 515 A British woman gets added to the list of villains, making them more clichéd than ever. Daniel, using an otaku drug, attempts to make a Chinese guy believe that he's also Chinese and succeeds, while AnOObis shows up, not in the form of the Egyptian jackal god, but as a hooded figure who represents lamers on the Internet who overuse his name as a chat handle.
Let's Dance January 1st, 2002 516 The System Lords have a Dance Dance Revolution tournament and lose to a newcomer named AnOObis. Daniel's Chinaman disguise is blown by someone whispering in the other Chinese guy's ear. Oh, this whole time he was carrying this poison that was meant to wipe out the System Lords but he gives it to one of the n00bs from Proven Grounds so that he can instead kill a few Jaffa in order to allow the show to continue for another five series.
Failsafe Is Meant to be a Compound or Hyphenated Word You Fucknut January 15th, 2002 517 AnOObis tries something the other guys never thought of: A big fucking asteroid. It almost works but Jackson's been playing Majora's Mask and plays the Song of Time a few times while they all figure something out. Eventually they decide the best course of action would be to ram the asteroid into Earth at light speed so that it doesn't hit or something.
I Am Error January 25th, 2002 518 Some guy claims to have defeated Imhotep, but a smart viewer will note that this actually happened in The Mummy, not in Star Gate, and you know how fans and writers feel about excessive retconning. Everyone falls for it until Teal'c sees stock footage of his eyes flashing and kills him. Cue the creation of the Jaffa rebellion. Nice job Imhotep, you idiot.
Denise the Menace Some time in January or February, 2002 519 A girl is found who could probably stop the Lego insect things. O'Neill takes a page from Jackson's book: he shotguns her in the chest, destroying their best goddamn chance and allowing for another five seasons.
Sensible Shoes February 2nd, 2002 520 There's this planet, right, and this planet has a machine, right, that makes it so the Go'old can't invade planets. It stops working so someone tries to invade, but surprise!, SG-1 find some guys who can fix it.
Daniel Jackson Dies February 9th, 2002 521 DUMBLEDORE DIES Daniel Jackson Dies ... for good ... or so we think. The guard on level 2 saw him head to the local Walgreens while the local gas station attendant said he purchased a Playboy from him. Some smart guy named Joan conveniently appears.
Revelations February 30th, 2002 522 The Four Horsemen of the Apocalpse attack to destroy the universe, but are defeated by another inane scientific theory from Carter which even the most devout fans won't pretend to understand. Another lame attempt is made to destroy the Go'old but they're not really trying as they don't want to be made redundant.
Xmas Special December 20th, 2002 523 The SG-1 crew all sit down to a nice festive lunch. However, the turkey is actually a Star Gate and the whole episode just turns into another far-fetched piece of shit with laser sticks (albeit with more turkey). Daniel Jackson's killing is shown in slow motion at the end of the episode. This is accompanied by canned applause.

Season 6 - SG-1[edit]

Title Original Airdate Episode Number Which Is Meaningless to Non-nerds Episode Information
Joan replaces Daniel part 1 July 7, 2002 601 Joan suggests that he be allowed to replace Daniel. O'Neill says no, which will obviously mean yes at a later date. The gate is activated and everyone learns that Star Gates can explode if you don't switch them off, and all kick themselves for taking six or seven years to catch on.
Joan Replaces Daniel Part 2 July 14, 2002 602 Apparently, Joan also brought a powerful radioactive metal which means they can make cute little spacecraft capable of hyperspeed, but it doesn't work. The Star Gate is still going to explode so they lift it out of there and toss it into space. Joan joins SG-1 for no particular reason.
Decent July 21, 2002 603 Teal'c walks in on Carter getting changed, causing her to accidentally trip off the auto pilot on a Go'old mothership they were flying. It crashes into the sea and Joan does something heroic to make up for Daniel, but everyone decides they don't care.
Ice Cube July 28, 2002 604 Ba'al and Anubis have a rapoff. An Ancient who was in suspended animation pulls the plug and an electrical fault injures O'Neill. He gets implanted with a Tok'er and then sits out a few episodes.
SPAAAADES?!! August 9th, 2002 605 In O'Neill's absence, SG-1 have to do some mystery solving in a small town. You'll never guess who's involved, but it begins with G, ends in D and has o'ol in the middle. Carter beats Joan over the head with a shovel in a desperate grab for ratings.
Ahhh, Bisto August 16th, 2002 606 Ba'al captures O'Neill and pours cold gravy down his throat until he suffocates and/or his stomach explodes, then revives him and does it all again. The Chinese guy Daniel had to trick into thinking he was Chinese convinces Ba'al to shoot O'Neill from a cannon instead. Daniel Jackson intervenes in his cool, ascended form and casts Featherfall on him just in time.
Shadow of the Collossus August 23rd, 2002 607 Joan hears of an ancient temple back on his homeworld where they can revive Daniel if they kill twelve giants. Suddenly, all the viewers wake up from their dreams and change the channel.
Two Star Trek Nerds With Silly Names Fuck off, I'm not in the mood 608 Felcher! That skinny guy's name is Felcher! HA HA HA HA! Shit, no it's not, I misheard it. Anyway, SG-1 proofread some documents and go home free.
Another Episode Where SG-1's Allies Hate Each Other September 609 We get treated to some Jaffa and some Tok'er moaning about how they can't trust one-another. People keep dying and nobody's claiming responsibility so Bra'strap unifies them all with a corny speech.
Curaga September 610 Nobody knows what happened in this episode. It's rumoured to have been an SG-1/Final Fantasy crossover but the ratings had fallen so low that nobody ever saw it.
Prometheus-X August 611 A great big spacecraft is being built underground, and it's so secret that they take some journalist inside where they lock her in the arcade and force her to beat the System Lords' Dance Dance Revolution scores, previously set in the tournament they had.
Renatural Selection October 15, 2002 612 The Asgard accidentally access a porn web page with a Lego virus, overrunning their home world with human-form Legos. O'Neill and his team, stuck on the Prometheus in space, due to high Naquadah prices, are called to help by Thor because he forgot to upgrade his anti-virus software.
Sight Reseen October 27, 2002 613 Joan goes nuts, claiming he can see 'dead people'. He is placed in the infirmary and informed of a lawsuit due to copyright infringement. As time passes, more people claim to be able to see 'dead people', giving lawyers a field day, saving SG-1 from being in the limelight.
Resmoke and Remirrors November 21, 2002 614 Re-Jack O'Neill attempts to assassinate Senator Kinsey, blaming the real Jack O'Neill for the murder. Jack shrugs and shoots his clone in the groin with an armor-piercing round. The clone instantly confesses and is executed by lethal injection*. By 'lethal injection', we mean ten-armed men, though don't tell the courts.
Paradise Found December 1, 2002 615 Colonel Maybourne informs O'Neill and SG-1 that he knows of a planet where they can find many unique and advanced technologies. Upon arrival, Maybourne and O'Neill are stuck alone and find out that the civilization was actually a bunch of Aztecs. O'Neill forces Maybourne to write "I will actually do research before going off-world, now, where's my gun..." One-thousand times on a rock.
DNA or No DNA December 11, 2002 616 SG-1, while attempting to save a planet from Nerdy's genetic experimentation find themselves in the middle of her own genetic experimentation titled 'DNA or No DNA'. SG-1 members are forced to guess which briefcase has their real DNA. Carter accidentally chooses the DNA of Rodney McKay, which quickly prompts viewers to shoot their TVs.
Full Frontal Exposure December 21, 2002 617 General Hammond and Major Davis tell other nations of the world about the Stargate program through videos of SG-1 missions taken from impossible angles and circumstances, causing the nations to question the technological superiority of the United States' video editing.
What Goes Around... January 2, 2003 618 SG-1 goes to a world where a group of people claim to be harassed by a local alien, however the local alien says that the people harass him, however, the group of people claim that the alien crash landed his ship on their land prompting a conflict, however, the alien states that it was the people that forced his crash landing, however, SG-1 could care less and leave the alien and the people to a slapping contest.
The Classic Sci-Fi Clichés 01/11/03 619 SG-1, travelling onboard the Prometheus, find a civilization of people who look completely human, with human tanks and weaponry, speak English (but no other languages), and can only solve their problems through fights shoot down the Prometheus. After the first shot, the hyperdrive is disabled seconds before it is to be activated. When talking to the civilization's president and aides, SG-1 is treated to a meal of worms and is informed that they can leave if they fight to the death. O'Neill offers the civilization a collection of Star Trek videos and they, and the Prometheus crew, are allowed to leave two days after arriving with a completely visibly undamaged Prometheus.
Joan's Second-Last Stand February 1, 2003 620 Joan begins to see visions from the future, including the possible demise of SG-1 off-world. Despite Joan approaching death due to the visions, SG-1 decides to stay home and asks for lottery numbers. Right before Joan gives the last number, he goes into a coma and must have surgery. He wakes up, without knowledge of the last number. Nonetheless, SG-1 buys sixty lottery tickets from 1-60 for the last number but still lose - they were a week late.
Half Circle February 25, 2003 621 SG-1 go to Abyntfs from advice by an ascended Daniel to prevent AnOObis from acquiring a powerful weapon from the planet. Although SG-1 found the weapon, AnOObis bribes Daniel into getting the weapon for him. By the time Daniel realizes what he had done, it is too late and the planet is destroyed. Daniel takes his anger out on AnOObis but is stopped due to budget costs.

Season 7 - SG-1[edit]

Title Original Airdate Episode Number Which Is Meaningless to Non-nerds Episode Information
Fallen 2004 701 SG-1 discovers Daniel Jackson naked on an alien world, as he was on the set of a porn movie recording. With no memory of who he is or how he became a porn star, the team hatches a plan to lure An00bis into the porn movie and destroy his respectable image in the eyes of the Jaffa Cakes.
Homecoming 2004 702 The production team decide that it is unfair that they cast Joan to the pit of unimportance-ness when Daniel came back, so they give him his own episode. To be fair, it's one of the best episodes of the season, but it doesn't make up for his unemployment now does it.
Fragile Balls 2004 703 A pubetic child turns up at the SGC claiming to be Jack O'Neill. The team tell him to piss off and the original Jack O'Neill clocks on in time. The Asgard show up as well, but are of little importance.
Morpheus... Oh Wait, Orpheus 2004 704 Teal'cake must save Bra'strap and his son Why'yac from a concentration camp. Schindler's List, take 2.
Undo - Text? Sometime in 2004 705 The Borg decide to appear on Planetary Set #2, and SG-1 must free everybody from the collective mind. Carter finds a microchip in a random barrel and destroys it, ending the Borg's reign on the set. Everybody celebrates with Pizza Hut from the SGC.
Titanic Sometime in 2004 706 A random alien ship, ironically named the Titanic, crash lands on a planet, full of people in cryogenic stasis. Daniel, while attempting to have sex with one of them, accidentally downloads all of their minds into his body. He eventually gives them up, despite encountering endless orgasms due to the experience.
My Friend? 2004! 707 A group of background nobodies from the SGC begin mining on a planet inhabited by large frogs. A huge battle ensues, only to be ended by ... as always ... a sexual orgy with ironic object placement in place of nudity.
Saturn 500 200...4 709 In an attempt to raise ratings, NASCAR hosts an interplanetary race in some no-name system where everything is controlled, advertised and sold by Fox. Carter, using a souped up Ford F-150, is sabotaged, but ends up winning the race after waiting on the phone for two hours with customer service with FOX Auto Services.
Windows 3.1 Two Thousand and Four 710 A Star Trek scientist decides to exploit faulty programming from Windows 3.1 to disable enemy Stargates. His plan backfires when he finds that the Stargates run on Linux, and he and Carter are stuck on a planet with 470 Jaffa Cakes in their area.
Sex End of 2004 711 Teal'c meets Jolene Blalock at a Star Trek: Enterprise convention. After spending a night of hot-steamy sex, she is recruited into the Jaffa Cakes' League of Extraordiary Women with Amazing Martial Arts Abilities (LEWAMAA). Teal'c and Blalock enjoy another night of hot-steamy sex until she's shipped off to Garafagariath IV.
Viva La Revolution, Part 1 Still 2004 712
All I wanted was adequete health care ... but nooooooo ....
A pissed off Wal Mart employee fabricates an invincible armor suit and wreaks havok on the Go'old, Jaffa Cakes, Tok'er and Humans. Daniel Jackson goes on a hunt in Mexico to find an object that he just found out about to beat the armor, but gets abducted by exported American immigrants who immigrated to Canada instead, but again, got exported back to Mexico.
Viva La Revolution, Part 2 2005 713 Jack O'Neill and his old army friend who we've never heard about go on a hunt to save Daniel Jackson and to retrieve the device he found to beat the armor. Teal'c and Jacob Carter infiltrate An00bis' Anti-Wal Mart Armor Fabrication plant, but get distracted by union recruiters.
Grace Under Pressure After The Last Episode 714 Carter goes nuts after whacking her head on an oven ventilator on the Prometheus-X while impatiently waiting for her pie to bake. She wakes up to find the crew gone, many hallucinations, and that the Prometheus-X is caught in a quantum subspace fluctuation within an AL-radial band flecture near a trinary star system.
That Thing That Happens After a Nuclear Explosion 2005 715 Joan returns to the SGC, demanding money, so they give him one last shot at an episode. When he falls in love with the token female Go'old of the day, he's forced off the show and onto the set of "What Ever Happened To..."
Chimeramon 2005 716 The pissed-off Wal Mart armored guy appears again, obliterating the un-unionized Earth, Tok'er and Jaffa Cake's Beta Max Site. O'Neill, mad about the destruction of his secret porn stash on the site, goes on the hunt to kill the relentless employee with a newly formed weapon. Bocaj Carter and General Hammond get into an argument over biscuits at meetings and break up the two race's alliance.
Enemies, Part 1 2005 717 When the paparazzi arrives at the SGC to interview their employees, they are given a less than enthusastic treatment. After undergoing a stressful and painful enterance and acceptance process, the members of SG-1 still won't provide them with an interview until they eat light bulbs.
Enemies, Part 2 (AKA - Everybody's Hated Episode) 2005 718 DOCTOR JANET FRASIER DIES! ... and the SGC Pizza Hut begins offering stuffed crust.
Insurrection 2005 719 When a random human scientist never heard of before creates a Go'old/human hybrid, she lets loose her emotions, costing the pyrotechnic guys a huge ton of money and destroying the "Living Space #3" set. The hybrid is eventually calmed down, forced to sign a non-confidentiality agreement, and released into the world with nobody tracking her.
Enter - Bush 2005 720 George W. Bush is inaugurated into the Star Gate universe, and his first act is to save the Star Gate budget by eliminating public schools in the Colorado area and to air a clip show.
Lost Mind, Part 1 2005 721 Newly-elected official Bush screws up in the Star Gate universe again, promoting Hammond to his service and replacing him with a clueless negotiator who knows nothing about the Stargate. O'Neill and his group find an Ancient suppository of knowledge. To keep the knowledge from An00bis, O'Neill takes the suppository and slowly turns into an Ancient ... and remembering the recipe of Colonel Sanders' chicken.
Lost Mind, Part 2 2005 722 An00bis, pissed off that he couldn't take the suppository, sends his entire fleet of Tonka Trucks to Earth. O'Neill and friends, with his knowledge, go to a far-off planet to locate a secret Ancient weapon...only to find out that the weapon is back at Earth. They refuel their ship at a cost of $100,000 USD and return to Earth with a One-Hundred Points Module, locating a secret outpost in Antarctica. O'Neil successfully activates it, destroying An00bis, his fleet, and accidentally clips the Prometheus-X's bow. O'Neill is put into stasis before he is charged with treason.

Season 8 - SG-1[edit]

Title Original Airdate Episode Number Which Is Meaningless to Non-nerds Episode Information
Older Order, Part 1 2005 801 Doctor Elizabeth Weir (Blonde) is replaced with Doctor Elizabeth Weir (Brunette) as commander of the SGC. Carter and Teal'c go to the Asgard to try to find a way to save O'Neill, but get stopped at immigration to the Asgard Galaxy due to an overrun of Legos. The Go'old attempt to create an alliance with Earth, Daniel doesn't stop staring at one of the delegate's breasts, ruining the deal or getting laid.
Older Order, Part 2 2005 802 The Legos capture Carter and the perverted humanoid-Lego, Sixty-Ninth, subjects her to his whims. The Asgard, after reviving O'Neill and paying off his bail for treason, and SG-1 return to the Asgard galaxy to save Carter, using a new weapon developed by O'Neill: The Anti-Replcator Gun (ARG!). When the ARG! gets stuck at first try, SG-1 is overwhelmed by Lego blocks. It is only with help by Thor and his 'Slow Incremental Count to Full Power' ARG weapon that saves the team and Carter. Sixty-Ninth escapes and makes a slimy clone of Carter, whom he has endless sex with under a CC-BY-NC-SA 2.0 contract he signed with the real Carter.

...Oh, and O'Neill gets promoted to SGC Commander.

Warning: Mainframe Core. DO NOT ENTER! 2005 803 After a hyped-up Russian Colonel trying to take O'Neill's past job falls ill, American customs and Russian health care is heavily criticized and the Bush Administration spends $5 billion to look into it. The illness is found to be a partially-ascended form of An00bis after he found the Ascension Cheat Button. He is eventually caught in a freezer and thrown onto a desolete planet with no means to escape but a fully functional ship that leads to a Stargate.

9 AM 2005 804 O'Neill, in his new job, is stuck performing tax work that Hammond and Weir skipped, only to find that the science department spent half it's budget on over-e-mail penis enhancement drugs, the medical department still hadn't disposed of Dr. Frasier's dead corpse, and that his office space was actually on loan from Target. He files the taxes and secretly puts them into Carter's pile-o-junk while she's taking a crap.

Amnesia 2005 805 Daniel Jackson gets laid after visiting a new planet and ends up stranded there after a war starts. He sides with the good guys who, of course, don't have access to the Stargate. He bribes the enemy with a piece of sugarcane and makes it back home...not before setting up an explosive in the bad guy's lair. The good guys rejoice and become corrupt. Fans sense problems in the future, Daniel couldn't care less.

Halo 2 2005 806 Teal'c tests out the SGC's new Halo 2 virtual simulator, and ends up getting stuck in the game. Constantly dying, and affecting him in real life, Teal'c must rely on the Sword of a Thousand Truths to eventually claim the rank of General and exit the game. His last opponent, ironically, is General Jack O' his cottage unaware of the situation Teal'c is in.

Infinity 2005 807 Teal'c participates in a timeshare program after being inticed by a free trip to Colorado Springs, Colorado. A random guy gets mad at Teal'c as he accidentally was receiving his mail-order bride catalogues and frames him for murder. Much muscle porn occurs. Carter contemplates a relationship with a telemarketer in India.

The Ark of the Covenant 2005 808 A power-hungry CEO finds clues to the Stargate Program in a backup program of his porn search engine. Threatening to release information about the Stargate Program world-wide, the SGC has no choice but to bring him into the fold. When he refuses to comply, they give up and give him to the Tok'ra, replacing him with a guy named Bill Gates. Nobody notices the difference and life goes on.

Sacreligious 2005 809 Teal'c son gets married, but issues regarding the disposal of the crap from the horses brough to the SGC for the wedding break it up. Teal'c's previous lover arrives, and after a night of hot-steamy sex, they argue over plans to get rid of the Go'old Hak'tyl's Pizza franchise business to open a Jaffa Cake business in the area. The SGC lend a hand, only to have their victory ruined by scenes in the spoilers for the episode.

Game Over 2005 810 Two drunken Air Forces officers let the Stargate be stolen under their noses...literally. Members of The Trust have taken over a ship in orbit of Earth and use the stolen Stargate to distribute Jehovah's Witness pamphlets to planets without knocking on doors. Teal'c goes to investigate, only to find that the pamphlets are laced with a Go'old poison. The SGC is eventually able to find the ship and retrieve the stolen Stargate for the 17th time. Despite these occurances, the SGC refuses to purchase insurance for the gate, leading to a scandal known as 'Gategate'.
Gemini Twins 10 2005 811 Carter and her Replicator twin rape Fifth using Asgard Disruptor Turrets in a new SGC porn flick. Gen. O'Neill distrusts Replicarter because she isn't in the Air Force and is a Replicator. Fifth gets castrated and later joins a monastary as a pedophile monk. Replicarter later steal Asgard Disruptor Technology and becomes leader of the Replicators.
Prometheus Bound and Gagged 2005 812 Daniel and Hammond take Prometheus-X and to find Atlantis and the secret cache of Ancient pornography. They make a detour to rescue a trashed up Tel'tek only to have to the ship hijacked by Vala, a woman with big hooters who knows how to fight, lie, and seduce people. She knocks everyone out and takes the Prometheus-X to a chopshop. Daniel manges to lock her in a cell and negotiates with what appear to be Farscape nerds. Goa'uld attack and Daniel flies the Prometheus away. Hammond and the rest of the crew retake the ship and Vala escapes. They head back to Earth.
The King Is Dead 2005 813 SG-1 meets Maybourne after a long time, the Goa'uld Aries invades, and gets his ass handed to him. They also get a Puddle Jumper. Maybourne also changes his name to Archon the First and gets three wives. Not much happens. Nobody gives a damn about this episode.
Implied Alert Yesterday 814 The Russian higher-ups are too damn drunk and send the SGC staff pictures of their missile silos with the doors open. That dude in the gateroom tells everyone about it and the dumbshits totally buy it and open their missile silos. Kinsey contracts poisoning from Vaseline and has to get implanted with a Go'old, then runs away, rendering his character unnecessary.
Clip Show #17 (Is it 17? I forgot already...) 200X 815 Homer Simpson reveals his hidden passion: writing Star Gate fanfiction. O'Neil somehow talks his wife into not divorcing him for it, but they split up off screen later. Teal'c learns that having sex with hedgehogs is impossible, and finally concludes that he knows all there is to know about life on Earth.
Is The Show Finished Yet? Part 1 2005 816 Another series finale that won't be the finale. Teal'c pulls this temple called "Dakara" out of his ass as a means of finally defeating the Go'old and everyone flocks there only to be ambushed by Legos. Senator Kinsey is still suffering with his poisoning from Vaseline.
Is The Show Finished Yet? Part 2 2005 817 Conveniently Dakara has a weapon that kills every Lego in the universe, causing the entire population of Denmark to sue for criminal damage. They lose the court case and the show is renewed for a few more seasons despite all the bad guys being dead or powerless.
Threads 2005 818 O'Neil discovers that Soylent Green is made of Daniel's corpses from his previous deaths. Teal'c loses a video clip he had where Michaelangelo and April have ridiculous sex and starts asking people where to find it, and Carter and this cop she was dating recreate it with some impressive costumes. The cop then leaves her for fear that if the two remain together, he'll die like all her other love interests. AnOObis is finally eliminate, just as well because everybody's bloody sick of that tosser.
Final Fanservice 2005 819 All the dead characters show up out of nowhere.
Final Fanservice II 2005 820 All the previously dead characters die again.

Season 9 - SG-1[edit]

Title Original Airdate Episode Number Which Is Meaningless to Non-nerds Episode Information
Initiate Farscape Crossover! 2006 901 Half the cast of Farscape appears out of fucking NOWHERE to fix the holes left by the other characters being sick of the show. They go to Glastonbury but are way too late for the festival so they excavate the place instead.
Initiate Farscape Crossover! Part 2 2007 902 RE-PRE-SENT! Glastonbury was hiding a weird psychic device that alerts new bad guys. New bad guys who have never been alluded to or mentioned in any way, shape or form... mainly because they were all in Farscape too.
Ah Crud, We're Screwed Re-Dux 2007 903 Claudia Black, determined to get her career back on track after Farscape's end, along with Ben Browder's, encounters the Ori. Lucky! Aware of the Sci-Fi channel's wishes to cancel the show, the Ori intend to send these plans Awry by becoming new, developable bad guys, rendering the previous victory over the Go'old and the Legos utterly pointless. They start sending their sales reps to Earth, though they spontaneously combust when Earth tells them about some of the cool things Jesus did. In hindsight I bet Janet Frasier's glad she died, since she was probably getting a massive headache from all that facepalming and headdesking every time people went offworld and trolled new enemies.
Of Human Bondage 2007 904 Daniel has been infected with Magic AIDS by Claudia Black, which means if they don't stay close together they will develop cancer and die. Daniel grabs a whip and beats his reflection in a mirror with it, prompting Claudia Black to decide he's gone crazy and takes him on a quest to cure the Magic AIDS. Claudia's previous boyfriend (who's old enough to be her dad) prescribes them with a strange antibiotic that also requires them to remain together for some reason. Some of the characters are seen wearing gay leather pants as a result of the Magic AIDS.
Singing In The Rain 2007 905 A planet once ruled by Claudia Black's Go'old, Quim, has been visited by the Ori. Posing as Quim, Claudia Black orders the entire planet's population (one village) to rehearse and direct their own version of Cats, until the Ori come and make it rain so heavily that the villagers make a crappy pun about it raining cats and dogs, and try to write a new song into the music. The Ori sales rep owns them all with a strange disease and SG-1 is forced to leave them all for dead.
Beach 2007 906 The Ori plant a shit load of marijuana all around a random Jaffacake planet, to which they strongly object due to their immunity to its effects. They then piss off and leave the planet, causing it to inexplicably shrink, something which can apparently turn a planet into a black hole. Claudia Black plays an amazing slap bass solo and she suddenly vanishes for the rest of the season, while the black hole stops forming. Once again, SG-1 shrug their shoulders and go home.
Excellent Juice Machine 2007 907 Ba'al challenges SG-1 to complete a training exercise with a special gun that deploys Star Gates wherever they fire it, which they must use to reach him. He promises them cake if they can reach him, to which Mitchell (one of the new guys from Farscape we've yet to start caring about) replies with "The cake is poisoned". They accept the challenge anyway, and discover that, in fact, the cake is not poisoned. "The cake is a lie", says Daniel, and they all find Ba'al's blender and steal it. Ba'al then has an accident with his photocopier and suddenly has millions of himself running around.
Lone Baby 2007 908 While visiting the Galaxie’s Bronx to learn new mad B-boy stylz, Mitchell the new guy and well known son of a slaver from Kansas just bitchslaps some staff-carrying gangstas. He gets captured, locked in a lost village resembling New-Jersey and beat up with random sex toys so the sadistic female fans could fantasise about this episode. Of course the space gangstas do not kill him even if they sang they would and, once Mitchell is set free by Snoop Dog, nothing really happened after all.
E-Tron Prototype 2007 909 SG-1 Team realise they could make more money by selling frozen bodies to medical schools in Turkey than by trying to build a prostitution business in space. So they start roaming around on an unexplored planet, looking for the refrigerator and/or the graveyard. Surprisingly enough, they find a secret Lab in some basement and the new guy Mitchell (yes, that very hot douche again) accidently awakes a mad prototype superhuman Aryan that was frozen there. The team brings it back to their base, but the troubles start when they realise the secret Lab was Hitler’s very own and that the frozen Aryan was the Nazi’s new Volkswagen prototype; able to shoot laser and to help random soldier flying like birds. It has nothing to do with the Ori, but we will still hear the character babble about them until we feel the urge to vomit.
Fuck the Horseman, Part 1 time travel to 1896 910 SG-1 Team realises that, with all this space-fucking they’ve been doing for over 8 years, they brought back on Earth a super strong disease: a mutated type of AIDS crossed with the common flu (H1N1 so they call it) that can kill a human being in seconds. While the guys from SG-1 travel across the country dressed in red vinyl catsuits with an astronaut helmet on, Carter molests a child with other scientists.

Fuck the Horseman, Part 2 back to 2007 911 Carter realises the child she was molesting for days was Celine Dion’s offspring, thus making him satanic and able to find a cure to the new AIDS/Flu plague. However, the kid becomes kind of reluctant to help after the bad things Carter made him do when they were alone in a lab. At the same time, the new guy Mitchell and his new buddy Daniel Jackson go to the gangsta lost village in order to attempt to a B-boy ultimate dance fight. Yet, as an old cranky pedophile was going to show off his mad tricks, Mitchell just jumps on the scene and does a wicked Christ Air only for the thrill of stealing someone’s show. At the end, Teal’c brings to SGC a gay friend that, only with his magical dildo and some light, saves Earth right before bursting into flames. Nobody knows the point of this arc.

Collateral Damage was a crappy movie 2007 912 As SG-1 went to a party on another planet to discuss about the fun of an entire population dressed in little gray suits, Mitchell (yes, him again) tries out a new dentist chair that automatically logs on your brain and gets you ten times more shithead than when you take ecstasy with Red Bull together. Seriously out of his mind, Mitchell rapes and beats to death a woman with several umbrellas before falling asleep on the crime scene (how stupid is that!). The next morning he gets arrested and the rest of SG-1 team goes in a JAG style trial to try to prove the murder was all the Dickheaded men’s fault (aka: the Assgards). Surprisingly enough, they win and Mitchell is free to get in trouble on another planet.

Ripped Effect 2007 913 As for the first time ever SG1 did not get into trouble offworld, another SG1 team suddenly comes out of nowhere to steal the other team’s place and take advantage of the Cheyenne Mountain mess hall and bordello. This second team turns out to be evil: every member is a satanic shapeshifting goat that took the form of one member of the original SG1 team. So the base staff won’t confuse the good guys and the satanic monsters, the goats wear a pitch black uniform with a spiky and creepy black helmet. In addition, they are surrounded by a cloud of black smoke and they use to burst into a maniacal evil laughter every 3 minutes. Their evil plan to conquer the SGC turns out to work just fine: they flood the base with SG1 clones wearing different uniforms and succeed to confound everyone. After kidnapping the original SG1 team and beating up that new guy Mitchell again, the goats dumbly fail and get captured. Following this, everything gets back to normal and we even get a shot of zombie Dr. Fraser.

A Strong Hold on my Balls 2007 914 While Teal’c Jaffar friends get brainwash not only for the win but also to be sold as slaves on the black market, Mitchell the new guy ruins the episode once again by becoming a Emo wannabe (Emo in attitude, but the clothes, hair and makeup fail ). He spends half of the episode crying, running in a suicidal way and smashing hospital furniture to express his sadness and anger. We find out only at the end that he acted this way because some random friend died or something. Meanwhile, SG1 decided to attack a bunch of men doing camping on a remote planet; Mitchell express his anger once again by beating up innocent children.
Eh-On! 2007 915 A planet full of people surprisingly fans of Earth history, and former SG1's sex toys, decided to make a worldwide reconstitution of the Cold War. The thing is they have no clue of what it was all about: the Caledonian –a name given after a small Ontarian town near Niagara Falls–thought the West power was hold by Canada alone, as the Rashes believed the East really had killer satellites that could throw laser beams at people. As a matter of fact, just like Russians did during the Cold War, the Rashes asked for the Oris' help to build their evil satellite of doom. When SGC found out how messed up the vision of the Caledonians and the Rashes were –Canada alone against the Soviet? What the Fuck!? Oh, and, nah, CCCP never truly possessed the satellites… or did they? – they sent some of their best men into a suicidal mission aboard the Prometeus. As usual Mitchell is angry, Dr Jackson gets kidnapped and is forced to wear a tutu and SG1 team runs away just before the Rashes start blowing up the entire planet, killing every living creature in this solar system. Another victory against the Oris!
Off the Jizz 2007 916 As SG-1 investigated an alien corn field off world, looking for a patch of weed plants they believed SG-3 hid there, the team got busted for crime against fashion. In fact, leaded by the newbie Mitchell again (he probably wanted to wear his leather pants from Farscape again), they traded their regular uniforms for fitting leather suits that were supposed, so he claimed, to help them blend in the crowd. It went wrong the moment some hardcore gay BDSM cops noticed them and arrested them for hideous bad taste. They were saved In extremis and then decided to take their revenge on a band of Goa’uld since some of their members busted their orifices in jail.
Scrooge 2007 917 While SG-1 is chilling on a planet with some scientists guys, a French wimp and a sexy Chinese delegate, the cozy offworld cottage used as a base gets under attack. In fact, the science guys there were studying a new type of Ori-engineered giant man-eater crabs –the Lindsayus Lohanus- but accidently let them all loose. Quickly, the bugs, very alike to those in the movie The Mummy, started marching over redshirts to eat them without leaving a single bone, gun or piece of clothe behind, then went on chasing SG-1 and their sleepover buddies through the forests of Vancouver, BC. The episode presents no point, but to make sure we hate even more French people.
Arthur's Manboobs 2007 918 As Carter was trying to install games on a MacBook supposedly formerly owned by an Ancient Hipster, this impossible attempt broke the universe (not unlike dividing by zero would, but on a smaller scale). This results in turning Mitchell, on the scene because he wanted to chloroform and abuse Carter, and her into ghosts. They disturb the base for days by spying on people and helping them making claypots on their turntable, and SGC becomes famous with rumours of being haunted by the spirit of redshirts that died for nothing. At some point, Mitchell joins Teal’c offworld for a walk in a park right when Daniel turns into a ghost as well and uses his great knowledge on cheating death to bring the others back to life. Mitchell nearly gets molested by the Lincoln Park Rapist and whines about it on the basis it would never happen in Farscape.

Season 1 - Atlantis[edit]

Title Original Airdate Episode Number Which Is Meaningless to Non-nerds Episode Information
Rising (Part 1) 2004 101 A group of scientists in Antarctica go on vacation to another galaxy. They go to an underwater hotel in another galaxy. Their hotel is ten-thousand years old, and unfortunately very leaky. Everyone is going to die.
Rising (Part 2) 2004 102 Everyone doesn't die, but not for lack of trying. Sheppard goes to rescue his commander but shoots him instead. Everyone is happy.
Hide and Seek 2004 103 An Atlantis-wide game of hide-and-seek is played. McKay cheats so Sheppard throws him off a balcony. A dark cloud moves around Atlantis causing blackouts and scaring children, it is revealed to be Dick Cheney.
38 Minutes 2004 104 Sheppard gets a nasty mosquito bite, the puddle jumper becomes obese and has difficulty fitting through the Stargate. McKay coats it in butter and WD-40 and everyone goes home.
Subspicion 2004 105 The Atlantis teams gets mad at the Athosians because they told the Giant Mosquitoes (later the Wraith) on them after they hid the left shoe of every Athosian in the city. An all out war ensues, resulting in the Athosians pulling a France and surrendering. They retreat to the mainland.
Childhood's End 4 106 SheppAAAArd, planning to abandon his obnoxious pet rock Rodney, searches the ancient database for a suitable planet. He discovers a planet on which the inhabitants kill themselves due to their membership of the interplanetary cult of hate and fear, My Chemical Romance. He proceeds to trick Rodney McKay and the visually offensive Dr. Weir into going there, who are attacked by the Giant Mosquitoes and die.
Salmonella in the Well 23 107 Because Rodney McKay is in fact a rock, he was not killed by the Giant Mosquitoes after all. Angry with SheppAAAArd about his abandonment, he gets a particularly deadly strain of Salmonella from some nearby aliens and puts it in SheppAAAArd's food. SheppAAAArd develops a phobia of food, and seeks to become a Giant Mosquito so he does not have to eat.
Underground 2012 108 SheppAAAArd, failing in his attempt to turn into a Giant Mosquito, instead decides to morph into a particularly large mole and tunnel to the center of the Earth. There his team meets a race of people called the Genii (formerly Jedi), who use SheppAAAArd as a test subject for their nukes due to an unfair bias against moles. Dr. Weir swears revenge from beyond the grave, and Teyla kills some chick's father.
Home abazillion 109 Dr. McWeir returns from the dead as a reincarnation of Hitler/Ash Ketchem and orders a genocide on a local planet in order to use the Stargate to dial the SCG Pizza Hut and order pizza. The pizza is late due to an explosion of the delivery boy's hyperdrive. Dr. McWeir becomes angry. Teal'c concurs.
The Storm (Part 1) 2004 110 Dr. McWeir's pizza finally arrives, but lunch is long forgotten when the team finds a storm headed for Atlantis. The Genii take advantage of the situation and attempt to take over the city. Kolya eats all of McWeir's pizza out of spite, and it is revealed that he is a communist.
The Rest of the Storm (Part 2) 10BC 111 Koyla gets indigestion and also develops a phobia of food. He and SheppAAAArd form a support group in order to cope with their irrational fears. Teyla uses her abs to shield the city from the storm. Rodney befriends a whale.
The Defiant One Eleventy-seven BC 112 The team flies to a remote planet, and some n00b from the SGC gets fed on and shoots himself, lest he spend more than two minutes with McKay. Then a Giant Mosquito gets defeated by a power bar and a hoard of glowing faeries. Lame.
Hot Zone 12345 113 Once again, Rodney manages to royally piss off everyone in the city by getting his party of scientists addicted to LSD (Life Signs Detector). When the team begins dying, SheppAAAArd keeps his fingers crossed that Rodney will be next, but everything turns out fine, as expected.
Sanctuary 2004.5 114 The writers, out of ideas, had SheppAAAArd pull a Kirk and sleep with some preistess from a paradise planet protected by a dangerous ancient lightning weapon. McKay advises against the relationship, but SheppAAAArd, keeping up with the usual tradition of ignoring McKay, shoves him off another balcony instead.
Before I Sleep 2040 115 Dr. McWeir becomes even more visually offensive. One of the more terrifying episodes of the series.
The Brotherhood 1942 116 Atlantis goes on a search for a hidden ZedPM with the help of a scientist called Allina, and Steve from Blue's Clues. In the end, SheppAAAArd shoots Steve and takes the ZedPM for himself, only to have Allina steal it back in Steve's name. The Atlantis team gets mad.
Letters From Pegasus 2004 117 In the only good clip show besides SG-1's "Citizen Joe," Dr. McKay finds a way for the team to deliver a letter to Santa Claus without severely depleating the city's power. They record a brief thirty-second plea for Santa to send his elves into battle to help them to bring down the Giant Mosquitos before they destroy the city, but the SGC intercepts the message and believes it is addressed to them. They have no elves, so they prepare an army of Marines instead.
The Gift 1969 118 Teyla, still recovering from the trauma of Dr. McWeir's visual condition in Before I Sleep, begins to have terrifying nightmares. Dr. Beckett, due to an unhealthy obsession with Teyla, does extensive research on her nightmares and determines that she is, in fact, an indigo child. She proceeds to figure out the battle plan of the Giant Mosquitos by thinking about it. Other psychological problems surface, such as multiple personalities, and being able to stand McKay.
The Siege (Part 1) 1472 119 Teyla and her two dominate multiple personalities (nicknamed B1 and B2) find a Giant Mosquito hiding out in Atlantis. SheppAAArd names him Bob the Builder, and Teyla, using her newfound indigo powers, attempts to see inside his mind until SheppAAArd gets tired of hanging around and shoots him. McKay attempts to get a weapons-platform up and running, until it spontaously combusts, taking Peter Grodin and his British accent down with it. However, with the power of friendship, the Atlantis team manages to take down one hive ship.
The Continued Siege (Part 2) 2583 120 Some overconfident asshole Col. Sumner fanboy shows up at Atlantis to aid in the fight against the Giant Mosquitos, who recently changed their name to the Wraith due to poor ratings. McWeir smolders with envy in response to his manly power. They spend four days fighting off the Wraith while waiting for yet another pizza. Rodney misses his whale friend.

Season 2 - Atlantis[edit]

Title Original Airdate Episode Number Which Is Meaningless to Non-nerds Episode Information
The End of the Siege (Part 3) 410166 201 The pizza arrives, yet is discovered to be an imposter when McWeir takes a bite and spills bottled universe everywhere. McKay and his science team conclude that it is a ZedPM, and use it to save the day. One overconfident asshole Col. Sumner fanboy goes home with a complaint letter from McWeir to the SGC pizza hut regarding the slow delivery process and mistaken order. They get a coupon for a free pizza. Also, the inconsequential Aiden Ford gets all hyped up on Wraith brand steroids.
The Intruder 24601 202 McWeir uses the coupon to order an extra-large ham and pinapple pizza to be delivered to the Daedalus. The Wraith create a complicated virus designed to destroy the ship and steal the pizza for themselves because they're sick of a diet consisting only of humans. McKay shuts down the ship's system to rid themselves of the virus while Major SheppAAAArd keeps the pizza warm. SheppAAAArd is promoted to Colonel for his bravery.
Runner somerandomyear 203 The team goes out looking for their drugged-up comrade Ford. Annoyed by Rodney's newest telemarketing scam involving his very own SPF 100 sun screen, SheppAAAArd and Teyla run off in search of adventure. They find it when they are shot and captured by Ronon Fucking Dex, known to the general Earth population as God. They are immediately overwhelmed by his raw beauty and brute strength. The two watch in awe as he smolders with generic rage. No one really cares about the rest of this episode, as they are too busy staring at Ronon.
Duet 2005 204 Teyla's multiple personality disorder is discovered to be contagious. In a seemingly related event, McKay gets the consciousness of Lieutenant Laura Cadman stuck inside his strange little head. However, it is later discovered that Teyla's disorder actually passed to an unfortunate Wraith SheppAAAArd shot earlier that morning in order to win two free iPod nanos. This episode finally confirms many fan's suspicions of a romantic relationship between McKay and Dr. Beckett. Dr. Fumbles McStupid approves of this message.
Condemned 2005 205 A bunch of murderers participate in a Wraith game show in which the prisoners sit on an island and the Wraith decide who is eaten; namely everyone. The leader of the hosting planet gets jealous and volunteers himself and the entire planet to be culled for a chance to be on TV.
Trinity 2005 206 Another filler episode. McKay blows up the majority of an uninhabited solar system, and Ronon meets up with some Satedan friends who aren't anywhere near as hot as he is.
Instinct 2005 207 The team runs into a human-like, vegetarian Wraith girl named Ellia who bakes biscuits in her spare time. Ronon eventually ends up shooting her, but really, in the end, who doesn't Ronon kill?
Conversion 2005 208 SheppAAAAed gets a very scary looking Halloween costume causing McWeir and the residents of the Atlantean nerd cave to think that his body is mutating into a bug. After many hours of watching the entire expedition work desperately to save him, SheppAAAArd pulls off his mask and says, "JK Rowling you guys!" Everyone laughs.
Aurora 2005 209 Some have speculated that this episode started out with a plot. 10,000 years ago, the Ancients threw a gigantic party and trashed one of their warships. Upon hearing that they were not invited, the Wraith show up and crash the festivities. In an effort to save their party, the Ancients place themselves in suspended animation and hang a "NO WRAITH ALLOW3D!!!11" sign on the outside of the ship. The Wraith leave in a very bad mood.

10,000 years later, Atlantis' invitation finally shows up...

The Lost Boys 2005 210 While coming home from the party on the Aurora, SheppAAAArd takes a wrong turn due to faulty instructions from Map Quest. Instead of partying all night long, they end up at a Wraith!crack Anonymous meeting lead by Lieutenant Ford. Instead of kindly giving them the correct directions, he coerces SheppAAAArd and the others to help him crash Wraith Karoke Night with some C4 they stole from the Genii, who stole it from Atlantis. (Who stole it from the SGC Pizza Hut). They takes a wrong turn again (damn you, Map Quest!) and end up on the wrong spacecraft. They decide to go through with "Operation Bomb the Crap Out of the Hive Ship" anyway.
The Hive 2005.5 211 McKay gets mad that he was not invited to help crash Karoke Night, so he takes a ton of Wraith!crack and runs back to Atlantis to complain. The rest of the episode revolves around attempted escapes from the Hive and SheppAAAArd's fear of clowns.
Epiphany 6.02 X 10^23 212 This episode marks the invention of the rarely-used-but-oh-so-effective MALP on a stick. SheppAAAArd gets sucked into a strange hole and scores with another ascended woman.
Critical Mass 2005 213 The Goa'uld learn of the Wraith's existence, and, attempting to establish a meaningful business relationship, order three medium pizzas to share at a dinner where they will discuss an alliance. The SGC Pizza Hut is late delivering due to an accident on the intergalactic freeway, so the Goa'uld get mad and decide to take it out on Atlantis by planting a bomb. Meanwhile, Teyla enters as a contestant on American Idol and loses to Renaldo Lapuz. John and Weir find out that Colonel Caldwell is really a KGB agent, so they use a taser on him while the "Don't Tase Me Bro" theme song plays in the background.
Grace Under Pressure 2005 214 This episode was purely to prove the point that Rodney McKay can not score with a woman outside of his hallucinations. And something about a whale.
The Tower 2005 215 Another planet breeches copyright laws when they are found to have their own miniature version of Atlantis' control tower. Atlantis sues.
The Long Goodbye 2005 216 The writers bring back Teyla's multiple personalities as a plot device, but instead have them inhabit the minds of SheppAAAArd and Weir, thus spawning the newest and now most popular ship, Shweir. The two personalities get in an argument over minor grammatical issues (apparently, some bastard ended a sentence with a preposition) and they nearly fight to the death until, for no adequately explained reason, the disorder suddenly goes away.
Blow of State ..... 217 First Atlantis finds out about a possible Coup. Then SheppAAAArd, Gabriella, Ronaldo and etc. find out that there’s no coup planned. Then, radiation sickened Jedi go to Atlantis in hopes of getting cured, but Cowen thinks it’s BS, and sends Ladon to kill SheppAAAArd. But then Ladon does in fact, double crosses Cowen, and rescues the prisoners, and kills off Cowen. Koyla isn’t a part of this eppy, and Ladon’s sister is cured, and the Jedi promise a friendly future with Atlantis, and hopefully they’ll live happily ever after.
Michael i don't know you decide 218 Some guy wakes up in Atlantis with a huge hangover and no memory. he sees a video of him at a costume party dressed as a Wraith. which makes him think that he is ACTUALLY A WRAITH!! So he runs away screaming, but sheppAAAArd just shrugs and says "don't worry, he's only gone and probably told all the wraith in the galaxy that atlantis still exists. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG!?"
Inferno SURPRISE ME!! 219 SheppAAAArd and his team go to some friendly planet with some dumb blonde and stupid chancellor who thought it was a bright idea to build a facility inside a supervolcano that gets hungry and eats the Stargate. McKay gets pissed at the blonde because he can but realizes he has to save the world which, by the way is about to blow up. he spends the rest of the episode pretending to fix some ship they found in the garage to try to make the blondie seem smart. the daedalus comes to poke some marshmallows at the fire on the volcano because they have nothing fun to do. (except eat marshmallows) in the end. Mckay gets the ship out of the garage and ultimately into the daedalus' welcoming arms, hence making them seem useful for the first time all episode.
Allies the end of the year (i think) 220 some hive ship with michael on board arrives at atlantis pressuring the people there to give them some human costumes because they have only got wraith ones. atlantis tells them to bugger off to earth to get some because they didn't have any on them. so the wraith leave before Atlantis has time to realise what they had just done. but because they were so looking forward to their well-deserved season finale break. they decide to let everyone die

Season 3 - Atlantis[edit]

Title Original Airdate Episode Number Which Is Meaningless to Non-nerds Episode Information
No Man's Land The beginning of the new year 141 the Atlantis team return from what was a beautiful relaxing holiday to remembering that there was a bunch of "wraith" on their way to earth, by some thankful coincidence, the wraith took a long break too! so they catch up and blow up each other's ships before finally giving in and letting the wraith have some of their human costumes but they got stuck on the ship because they got a few cuts and bruises to the head so they forgot what they needed the costumes for anyway, so they go with the daedalus back to earth fast asleep. oh yeah and McWeir goes back to earth and tells the IOFA that their sorry asses should have been kicked a long time ago!! (oh i case you didn't notice, everyone lives)
Misbegotten 3 dog weeks later 142 Michael's hive ship transforms into an overnight hotel for the next few weeks, Mcweir starts going out with Woolsey but SheppAAAArd wants to slap him in the head for it. and beckett starts manufacturing Human forn wraith costumes for next year's line, but they get into this weird circle thing which like sorta calls this big wraith ship to the planet which blows the hotel into little pieces, which pisses everyone off!!!
Irresistible valentines day 142 Atlantis finds this freaky sob-story/candle-making guy in this weird town that sort of resembles a scene for a Sci-Fi tv spin-off series, he goes around town flirting with everyone because he thinks they love him. he comes to Atlantis and puts on a show for everyone which (to atlantis, who are very gullible to just about everything) becomes a huge hit!! (shame SheppAAAArd doesn't like him....)
Back to Sateda...again On a very bad day.. 143 Ronon becomes a runner, has memories flash back to him, fights off Wraith (like he normally does) and then goes for the biggie, the....KUNG-FU WRAITH! But eventually Beckett proves that he can 'kung-fu' better than Ronon can as he finally accepts that he's been defeated in greatness.....('Just this once' he swears)
Progeny Ronon's 26th Birthday 144 SheppAAAArd's makes McWeir a part of his team, the stargate has fun with the team and starts doing U-turns, they find this planet full of SGA nerds who turn out to be copyrighted legos. Denmark is happy
The Real World some day on earth 145 McWeir comes out of a coma after 4 years into the real world (That's right folks,THE REAL WORLD!!!)the doctors think shes crazy, obsessive and very annoying and put her back into a coma for the rest of the year.
Common Ground....(not) blahhhh 146 It's just an eppy with Koyla doing his usual 'threats' (if you can even call them that). And then the suprise comes in when a Wraith starts to feed of ShepAAAArd!! SHEPAAARRRDD!!!!!..............but anywho, they get out and they defeat Koyla...........again. And then John magically gets better by...........*drum roll and 5 minute fanfare* TODD the WRAITH!
The Narcissit and his Strange Sissy blahhhhh 147 McCarter and Jeanie (in a bottle) Miller do some scientific thing that I don't even know. An "alternate dimension" McKay makes fun of the real McKay, and everyone on Atlantis laughs at him. And then they stop..........(happy happy joy joy!!!)
Past life Busters.... January?? I dunno 148 The team goes to a planet in hopes of finiding a team leader but, he commits suecide, and later everyone else finds out why. ShepAAAArd is back in Afghanistan, Ronon is getting chased by a Wraith, Carson sees dead people, Rodney (insert problem here), and Teyla is completly unharmed. There was a Wraith device doing this, and apparently the Jedi were here first and fried the thing up, but NOT TO WORRY! The team then waits for the Daedelus while Rodney complains that he was shot. (And the shooter,....[shepaaaard] said he was sorry, but NOOO, Ronaldo didn't buy it)

We're Home!! I just don't even care anymore... 148 Apparently, there are ancient still in this galaxy, and they "storm" in and take over Atlantis. Everyone heads back to Earth and then the replicators.............
We're Back!! You tell me... 149 O'Neill and Woolsey are trapped in Atlantis, and now the Replicators have taken over. The team goes back to Atlantis (illegaly) and they join up with ye' natives to try and kick some sorry replicator butt. (congrats to them!! =D)
WHALEY!! ... 150 Everyone sees strange beings and then their noses and ears begin to bleed.......and then their scared because they think that (Yugoslovia) made the wales try to speak, but the Daedulus comes to the rescue!! YAYYY!!
Irresponsible..... ....... 151 Mister Lucius thinks he's superman, but Kolya comes back and officially makes his last appearance (all in part to ShepAAAArd) Then Mister Lucius gets his bawls kicked. =D

Stargate Universe Episodes[edit]

Title Original Airdate Despair Number Episode Information
The End October 2, 2009 101 On a planet in the milky way galaxy, a team of asshole diplomats and belligerent military men distract themselves from shagging each other long enough to embark through the Stargate to the unknown ninth chevron address. They find themselves on an alien spaceship called Density, with no hope of return or communication with Earth.
Airplane 2 October 2, 2009 102 The team discover the life support system of their new ship, the Density, is failing. (In retrospect, most viewers agree things would have been better if most of them had died.) The team visit Earth by possessing people through rubbing their stones. Some old guy no one cares about dies.
Waiting for God October 9, 2009 103 A priest appears, but doesn’t even say mass. Lt. Scott fails at dying for the first time. Chloe sleeps with loads of the crew.
Darkside October 16, 2009 104 Shortly before a catastrophic loss of power, the ship sets itself on course to fly into a star. Most of the crew decided they’re all doomed and spend the episode having sex and talking about their feelings.
Lampshade October 23, 2009 105 Continuing from the previous episode, the crew has maintained its resolve to not try and save themselves and to continue having sex with Chloe. Turns out the ship was merely going to fly near the star to refuel itself. Crew take it in turns with Chloe to celebrate.
H2-Whoa! October 30, 2009 106 The ship stops off at an ice planet for a drink. Lt. Scott fails at his second bid for oblivion. Most of this episode involves watching people shovel ice and talk about their feelings.
SG-90210 November 6, 2009 107 Eli and Chloe go out to a night club on Earth and talk about their failed love lives. (Bizarrely I’m not even remotely making that one up!) This is the first episode Chloe doesn’t put out. Col. Young’s wife makes up the difference by doubling up on Young and Col. Telford. You get to see two cunts you just wish would die getting their end off at the same time!
Future Echoes November 13, 2009 108 On a strange alien world with exploding chest bugs, the Stargate goes mental and starts sending people back in time. Apparently this is in the same way that the SG1 episode ‘1969’ worked, even though the mechanism is totally different. Chloe dies, twice! (Although, not from a sex disease, which everyone had anticipated.)
Boredom November 20, 2009 109 The science crew find a chair that can give you all the knowledge of the Old Timers who built the good ship Density. However, this episode isn’t about that. Col. Young has to go home and tell his wife how he feels about her sleeping with Col. Telford. Some ugly old Asian woman goes back to Earth to feel up her lesbian lover.
Retardice December 4, 2009 110 A guy no one cares about on the ship kills himself. Col. Young decides that his best course of action is to let an ugly lesbian take over the ship, beats up Dr. RushBegbie (the only guy who understands how the ship works) and maroon him on a planet. For the best, Dr. RushBegbie is better off without the rest of those dickheads.
Back April 2, 2010 111 Miraculously, SGU returns back with the second half of the season despite its lowest ratings ever. The old Asian lesbian starts accusing Col. Young for killing off Dr. RushBegbie. Some blue aliens appear in the show and decide to kidnap Chloe for joy. Dr. RushBegbie is apparently held hostage by the blue aliens. He escapes, saves Chole and return back to Density. Col. Young and Dr. RushBegbie does that "for the sake of the crew" speech, and the speech will be recycled in every episode opening.
Stalkers April 9, 2010 112 The blue aliens keep stalking Density every time because the blue aliens can't seem to be enough of Chloe's pussy. Dr. RushBegbie suspects a tracking device on Density, and believes it was implanted on Chloe's pussy. After all the drama and whining, the crew realized the tracking device was on Dr. RushBegbie. The tracking device was later removed and the blue aliens lose its ability to track Density.
Boo-hoo-hoo April 16, 2010 113 The crew discovers an awesome planet with lots of resources. Majority wanted to stay, but Col. Young threatens them to return back to Density. The crew started crying like kids for the remaining part of the entire episode.
Rush April 23, 2010 114 Dr. RushBegbie's dedicated episode. Apparently Dr. RushBegbie is dreaming because he decides to sit on the magic ancient chair. Meanwhile Eli, Chloe, Lt. Scott and that angry black man were stuck on another planet after Density flew off.
Angry and Black April 30, 2010 115 Being stuck down on the planet, Eli, Chloe, Lt. Scott decides to abandon that angry black man because he is angry and black. Eventually the angry black man returned to Density while the threesome ended in some other planet after dialing the wrong gate.
Oh snap! May 7, 2010 116 Apparently someone sabotaged the ship's engine. The threesome mysteriously made their way back to Density. The old Asian lesbian swapped body with a crippled scientist. The episode features on lesbian sex with a twist, now with a crippled partner.
Smoking pot May 14, 2010 117 Density's crew smoked pot and most of them started to hallucinate. The rest of the episode, is up to your imagination. A unicorn and a rainbow appeared in one of the scenes.
Argh May 21, 2010 118 Col. Telford returns to realize Col. Young is back for some serious vengeance. Col. Young suffocates Col. Telford by venting air. Seriously, you can't change the fact that he's slept with your wife, Young.
Failed Part 1 June 4, 2010 119 The Lucian Alliance finally came up with a solution to take over Density. Dr. RushBegbie was kidnapped and finally got a second chance to blow up another planet just to dial up to Density.
Failed Part 2 June 11, 2010 120 The episode finally ends with the Lucien Alliance kicking the crews' asses, big time!