Stargate Atlantis

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Stargate Atlantis
Stargate Atlantis logo
Format	Dead right sexy stuff
Created by	Brad Rape Slobert P. Pooper
Starring	Joe Something Torri Fuckwit Racheal something (I can't quite remember) Jason Fucking Retard David Hewlett Amanda Tapping AKA The Angry Bitch and Robert Picardo (That guy from Star Trek)
Theme music composer	Who really gives a fuck
Country of origin	Hoth
Broadcast
Original airing	2009/10/2, some shit like that
Chronology
Preceded by	Stargate SG-1 (That is the best fucking show ever)
Followed by	Stargate: Extension (When the fuck do they release it)
Related shows	Stargate Universe (That spin-off really fucked the franchise up)

“I have no idea what it's about. I just watch it for the women.”

~ Men on Stargate Atlantis

“I know what it's about. I just wish I didn't.”

~ Women on Stargate Atlantis

“What? Go Aberdeen!!”

~ Groundskeeper Willie on Stargate Atlantis

“They told me I would get free cake if I watched this. Where the fuck is my cake!?”

~ Random viewer on Stargate Atlantis

Stargate Atlantis is the mostly fictional child TV series of real life undeniably factual mommy show Star Gate that chronicles the adventures of hapless members of the US military and random world scientists in space. Led by first the visually offensive Dr. Elizabeth Weir, then Colonel Samantha Carter a.k.a. the Black Widow, and finally Richard Woolsey, they find themselves a billion million miles away from Earth in the lost city of Atlantis. The city is underwater, but then it's not, then it is, then it's in space, until it returns back on land. Hurray.

Background

Once upon a time, the Sci Fi Channel (now known as SyFy, to honor the name of its creator, Syd Fybush) realized there was more to life than just producing obscenely bad B horror movies (with such innovative names like Frankenfish and Mansquito). The Sci Fi Channel bought the rights to produce more seasons of the TV show Star Gate. The show drove up ratings so much that the Sci Fi Channel realized it had a cash cow in its hands in the form of a potential franchise, a la Star Trek. Quick thinkers decided to create a spin-off show and, during the 8th season of Star Gate, Stargate Atlantis premiered alongside its mommy to successful ratings. Intially intended to be titled Star Trek Atlantis, the legal department advised the producers to change it, to avoid confusion with that other unsuccessful franchise, that is absolutely nothing at all like this show, and you can't prove it, either.

The Main Characters

Current Cast

Dude, don't fuck with me right now.

• Major/Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, was recruited by the USAF for his ability to nail any space whore in a 50 light year radius -- a remarkable ability which marks him as clearly being a distant relative of the infamous James T. Kirk. This is merely a coincidence, however, and Sheppard has nothing to do with Star Trek, a defunct science fiction franchise that is NOTHING AT ALL LIKE THIS ONE. Sheppard excels at shooting, leaning against things and annoying Dr. Rodney McKay as much as possible. Considerable speculation has led many to conclude that Sheppard's hair is a sentient life-form in and of itself; originally believed to be a remote ancestor of the Tribble, a rabid fan following ultimately led to development and near production of a third spin-off series, Stargate: The Hair. With some slight changes in story-boarding, Stargate Universe was born. Sheppard is also often on heavy medications and painkillers to fight the secondary effects and the diseases contracted because of his highly active sex life; this is the cause of his distinctive tone and facial expressions mistakenly lead viewers to the conclusion he is always bored to death or depressed. It also has caused a permanent speech impediment to make him sound vaguely southern. He was additionally rumored to be "the gay one", but that was dispelled by the arrival of Richard "likable Dick" Woolsey.

Played by known Rebel Sympathizer, Joe Flanigan.

• Richard Woolsey Voyager's EMH was fired from his job as Secretary General the doctor of the UN Federation Starship Voyager after the infamous "diplomatic fuckin' beat-down" destroying Borg personality of Ban Ki Moon Seven of Nine, and then became Samantha Carter's replacement, who was thought to be too easy-going. Mr. Woolsey is among the new rank and file of battle Emergency Holographic Lawyers (EHL), with a purple belt subroutine in the Secret Art of Bureaucracy. Because of his personal touch of slaying his cadre of enemies with red tape and other instruments of torture, he has been described as a "likable Dick Cheney". Since taking place as the "diplomatic" head of the Atlantis crusade, Haliburton-affiliated contractors have replaced up to seventy percent of the Atlantis personnel, and liquidated all recorded non-American combatants, including the Russians and that one Canadian Gate technician. Woolsey enjoys smoking (holographic) phallic cigars and mourning the loss of his (holographic) dog to his (holographic) ex-husband, thusly rendering him labeled among fans as "the gay one".

As you probably know, the Doctor chosen his name. His name is Robert Picardo.

Rodney McKay: 2-time award winner for the quickest person on Atlantis to disarm a gun.

• Dr. Meredith Rodney Ingram McKay, an MIT-educated whiner with several advanced degrees in bitchology and other types of science. McKay is deathly allergic to everything and has frequent hallucinations of scoring repeatedly with arch-rival Samantha Carter, usually while drowning. He became involved with a redhead Communist spy named Katie Brown not long before Carter came to Atlantis. He was understandably pissed. He recently broke up with Katie Brown and moved onto Saturnian Jennifer Kaylee Keller. He is often beaten with sticks by his teammates because he is Canadian, inciting fan rumors that he may in fact be "the gay one".

Played by broom-wielding badass, David Hewlett.

• Teyla Emmagan, well-endowed alien who fights with sticks and likes showing off her great rack while punctuating conversations with "my people" every few lines. She also has great teeth, but no one ever notices. Her people are known as the Athosians (affectionately dubbed "Ass Holes" by the Stargate Command), and are well-known for being generally uninteresting. The main pastime of the Athosians is running around in circles and screaming just before getting abducted by the Wraith predators. She is always seen in a small, tight shirt, even after having been stabbed in the chest the day before (see 'Sunday'). Never uses contractions in her sentences. Was pregnant for an entire season, though no one seems to recall that that ever happened. Commonly featured in episodes all about her in order to make her seem like a complex and strong character. The reaction to these episodes are consistently, 'Please, someone shut her up!'

Played by opera singer of the ages, Rachel Luttrell.

• Ronon Dex, an alien with a penchant for stating the obvious, as well as some seriously smokin' dreadlocks (really, he is the only white man in all of Pegasus who can wear dreads and look good). Has an unhealthy fixation with his gun, which he refers to as "Gunny". Appears in Season 2 and onward. He smolders with generic rage, and has a vocabulary of well over 11 words. It is heavily speculated that he doesn't like the Wraith very much. Had a thing for Keller, but it seems she prefers to listen to McKay bitch about his life. Ronon, in a fit of rage, cut off his hair and turned it into a wig.

Played by Hawaiian God, Jason Momoa, who was nominated for an Oscar for some especially emotive grunting in season three.

• Dr. Radek "Zelenka" Zelenka, the notorious arch-rival to Dr. McKay and considered one of the most foreign scientists on Atlantis. He appears in every episode, attempting to murder McKay at least twice in each one. Despite this, he has a lack of screen time which may have something to do with the fact that 95% of what he says is unintelligible. Swears a lot (we think that's what he's doing), as all scientists do.

Played by the President of Romania, David Nykl.

Hmm, so that's what Canadians taste like.

• Dr. Carson Beckett, Elixir-cooking turtle sweetheart. Now ([formerly] late) chief surgeon and part-time mad scientist who plays around with everyone's DNA. Likes mice, particularly fried. Similar to other Scottish astronauts he has a tendency to overstate himself when challenged, occasionally to the point of near hysteria. Died under mysterious medical circumstances which may or may not be greatly exaggerated. Was saved by upset female fans who threatened to storm and eat Bridge Studios. Then there was the bagpipes and the press coverage and a thousand chocolate-filled executive meetings with Joe Mallozzi. And then he came back.

Played by bagpipe player Paul McGillion, who also appears in J.J. Abrams 2009 Star Trek feature, through an amazing coincidence.

• "Doctor" Jennifer Keller, was a young orphan with rainbow hair who stole aboard an alien ship and fled to the other side of the galaxy. While there, she killed Doctor Carson Becket and usurped his position of Chief Medical Officer. Despite knowing an assortment of bar games, graduating from college early, and knowing how to fight hand-to-hand, she was known as the great show killer and was particularly notorious for getting in the way of McKay playing an Athosian game called "Hide-the-Sausage" with Sheppard. It is often thought that Keller is not an actual doctor, as her most common medical line is, "There's nothing I can do."

Played by ex-mechanic Jewel Staite.

• Major Evan Marcus Nick Gabriella Lorne, Lieutenant Ford's replacement as the military-second-command. Also believed to be a Hobbit descendant due to his short stature, he is a known smart ass (which may or may not have contributed to his assignment to Atlantis). In Season 3, Lorne disappeared from the face of the Pegasus galaxy, making the position of Colonel Sheppard's second-in-command just as dangerous as being his superior officer. He reappeared soon after and insisted on going barefoot wherever he went. Some speculate he tried to go back in time to visit Woodstock.

Played by part-time telepath and stripper, Kavan Smith.

• Colonel Steven Caldwell, commander of the Earth ship Daedalus and one-time agent of the Trust. He makes supply runs from Earth to Atlantis while not-so-secretly bucking for Colonel Sheppard's job as head of the military in the city. He was also insanely jealous of Sheppard's position as Doctor Weir's main squeeze and sought reassurance from the Asgard engineer, Hermiod AKA "Hemorrhoid" (the third cousin twice removed of Thor, Heimdall, and Freyr). Was rarely seen in Season 5 (aside from an appearance in the first part of a two-parter, before which he disappeared in the second part for some reason), which led to speculation that he had gone into Witness Protection with Alexandra Cabot.

Played by ex-KGB agent Mitch Pileggi.

These guys beat the Ancients!?.

• Jeannie (in a bottle) Miller, Rodney McKay's smart(er) Canadian sister. Fingerpaints complex math equations in her spare time. She tries to raise her malevolent supergenious offspring in order to create the next Scientist crew of Atlantis since the current one tends to let many of the doctors and engineers die by any possible wicked means.

Played by wand-wielding witch, Kate Hewlett.

• The Stargate, this big round gate thing. The true main character of the show. Much cooler than Star Gate's Stargate, and sparklier too.

Played by The Stargate, though he repeatedly insists that it is played by the Doorway to Heaven.

• Todd the Friendly Wraith, nine time winner of the Hive Ship Karaoke contest. Now the most attractive life form in the galaxy, due to the recent tragic demise of Ronon's hair.

Played by God's British cousin, Christopher Heyerdahl.

• Chuck "the Technician" Campbell, raised by wolves in the wilds of British Columbia. At the age of five, murdered his twin brother, 'Chet'. Quite possibly the smoothest man in two galaxies.

Played by Canada's #1 playboy Chuck Campbell.

• The Wraith, evil vampiresque aliens that would like to eat you the way you eat filet mignon. Often mistaken for Albino Goths. Are into emo music and writing angsty poetry on the side. Bleach their hair every Thursday afternoon.

Played by Sephiroth. Yes, the whole race.

• The Ass-gard, the bastard brothers of Star Gate's Asgard. They hate the Wraith, think humans make great guinea pigs, consider the Asgard to be pussies, and shut them self in giant tin-cans. At one point they kidnapped McKay and Daniel Jackson to show them how they had improved their fashion sense over that of their dead brothers and sisters. During this demonstration, they really lived up to their name.

Former Cast

• Dr. Elizabeth Weir, a civilian diplomat who spoke several billion languages, but still couldn't be diplomatic even when her life literally depended on it. Used to be blond but turned brunette. Was turned into a Replicator by Meredith Rodney Ingram McKay when he found out she was cheating on him with John Sheppard, and was later captured by one of her obsessive Replicator fans, Oberoth. The team believed her to be dead after hearing about it from other obsessive Replicator and Clone fans, but she was, in fact, still alive. She later fled the few remaining Replicator fans still chasing her to Atlantis, where they promptly became insanely possessive of her and tried to kill everyone in the city. To save everyone, Weir walked through a Spacegate and, obsessive to the end, the Replicators followed her through. Is currently doing the robot in a vacuum.

Played by Canadian Communist Cylon stripper, Torri Higginson.

• Captain/Major/Lieutenant Colonel/Colonel/Doctor Samantha Carter, ex-member of SG-1 and second leader of the Atlantis Expedition. Carter was given the job because John Sheppard threatened the lives of every scientist on the base if he was ever put in charge. She spent most of her time standing around the control room of Atlantis saying the exact same things that Elizabeth Weir would have said. There was rumored to be a picture of retired General Jack O'Neill behind her desk, which left some theorists believing that she intended to hook her claws into him so he could go the way of all her other boyfriends. After she helped destroy the Replicators to avenge Elizabeth Weir's alleged death and demolish all of Michael's nightclub ships, she was promptly replaced for being too much of a pacifist. Go figure.

Played by blonde-bombshell Amanda Tapping.

ME WANT COOKIES NOW!

• Unnamed Bad Guy, creepy unknown bad guys who may or may not exist and may or may not cause the downfall of Atlantis. Prone to angry grunting and pulling a 'Predator' when they lose. They also enjoy using Rodney for target practice, much like every other race in the Universe.
• Lieutenant Aiden Ford, the first military second-in-command on Atlantis. Claimed to be an expert on all types of weapons, however he never showed any proof of this, as he only really stood around and said "Yes," "No" or "Pancakes!" every once in a while. Later developed an unfortunate addiction to Wraith!crack, thus becoming totally insane.

Played by leprechaun Rainbow Sun Franks.

• Ace McKay, the alter ego of Dr. Rodney Meredith Ingram McKay. Appeared in the episode "McKay, McKay & McKay's Sister." He originated from a parallel universe and, quite unlike the Rodney McKay in this one, was extremely heroic, very modest, and was not prone to screaming "That is impossible, I can't fix it, we're all going to die!!!" every time there was a hint of danger, or if he discovered there was a lemon somewhere on the base. It is currently unknown if he shared the (extremely imaginary) allergy of citrus fruit that the regular McKay loudly suffers from.

Like Dr. McKay, Ace McKay is also played by David Hewlett.

• Replicators, human like evil beings built out of Duplos. They were obsessive fans of Elizabeth Weir and may or may not be responsible for her very timely demise. Most of them were wiped out when the forces of Earth and Atlantis went after them for supposedly killing Weir, though a few did survive. Weir later tricked the last of them into spacing themselves.
• Lieutenant Michael Kenmore the Just-Kidding Wraith, Dr. Beckett's pet Wraith. Has been called "The Phantom of the Opera on Steroids." He's made many convoluted and wacky attempts to kidnap Teyla's baby, all of which have failed miserably. He is eventually fed to Sam the Space-Whale halfway through season five when the expedition members got tired of his blasting of My Chemical Romance.

Played by pregnant male Connor Trinneer

The Story

In one episode from season 5, the main cast learn to levitate on cue.

Season 1

In their immortal search for bigger, better and more extravagant guns (like chuck norris's), Earth Humans, thinking that the ancient race of aliens (appropriately called the Ancients) who built the Stargate are nifty, and wouldn't it be swell if they could find the Ancients' lost city and steal all their guns? Their cover story is "To Explore the galaxy, to learn about what's out there, to explore strange new worlds...to seek out new life forms and new civilizations, to boldly go where no" however the truth regarding their intentions is well known, except to McKay, who thought they were going there to build Rodney Land, a civilization entirely devoted to worshipping him.

While digging for oil and Jaffa corpses in a part of Antarctica that just happens to look like the mountains of British Columbia, they inadvertently discover the location of Atlantis, which happens to be approximately one trillion point four miles away, in the Pegasus Galaxy, where all planets have environments very similar to Earth's Pacific Northwest. Unfortunately, it would take an enormous amount of energy to reach the Pegasus Galaxy - energy that Earth's severely depleted fossil fuel supply can't support. They only have one ZPM, which is a specialized phallic battery used to power the Ancients' technology (very similar to a giant piece of rock candy in both shape and taste, or to Tiffanny's lamps), so it would be a potential one-way trip with little chance of ever returning home. So, Earth Humans, being the undebatably intelligent creatures they are, decided sending their most brilliant minds to their certain doom would be the wisest course of action. (They must have caught on to the fact that main characters never die.)

Weir, as leader of the expedition, brings along some Marines, an Air Force Major, some medical doctors, lots of scientists ready to get killed in a stupid way when Atlantis is attacked, a shrink (who forgot her bra in the excitement), and an apparently endless supply of redshirts, condoms, crack, and one slightly-aged T-1000 unit. They also pack Weir's entire wardrobe, a few bags of popcorn, and a lifetime batch of (more) condoms and diapers (just in case they need to breed on their own 'cause of the whole one-way trip and all).

Sadly, though the rediscovered city of Atlantis is pretty darn cool, it's underwater, there are no decent restaurants or movie theatres open, and the shield protecting it from the water is about to collapse from lack of power, thus killing them all. Oops! So they begin searching for energy sources on other planets. While there, they meet Teyla of the Great Rack and her Athosians, who happen to speak perfect English by an incredible coincidence, and are more than happy to trade some hash for some condoms.

Although it didn't dawn on them that this wasn't fixing the power problem at all. While wasting more time, they also inadvertently awaken a bunch of goth-looking vampire alien life-suckers notably with a 2nd vagina on their right hand, who want to eat all living human beings in the universe, and torture T-1000 units. And they still don't find any energy sources to get home. But they have their new, useless Athosian friends, and with the power of friendship, they can do anything they want. Or so they were told. The T1000 unit is deactivated and the wraith get out of bed to kill the galaxy.

At the end of the season they siege atlantis Mckay tries using a giant laser gun but loses it in the process killing some mexican guy with a english accent. Then a marine batch arrives and identify themselves as redshirts. After holding them off for a day the hives arrive and zelenka supports the idea of a suicide run Sheppard is picked and then.......the ship explodes but sheppard is beamed off by a bald picard imposter.

Weir then tells Caldwell(baldy) to nuke em all while she sits back sipping tea while ordering the base to extract Wraith Crack. As ordered Caldwell nukes them all thanks to a naked alien and weir orders them to go prove themselves nearly getting themselves killed in the process. When the Green Skinned Fucks arrive ronon's gun fires at atlantis cloaking it. The green skinned fucks, having 6 second memories go away to go continue dealing crack.

Ford becomes a crack dealer with the wraith and dies.And then later the wraith betray the humans by asking for gum to chew instead of using drugs Atlantis gets stabbed in the back and kills them all.

Season 3

In recent years, the Wraith have become old news to the expedition, as for the first three years, Weir used her powers of moronicness to constantly make new enemies. She had a big grudge with the Genii for a while, but that seems to have been smoothed over for the moment. The Replicators (who insist on calling themselves the Asurans because they fear lawsuits from the powerful race, known to them as The Paramount) have become aware of Atlantis' continued existence and swear to turn the once-shining capital of Ancient power into a garbage dump in revenge for their Mommies and Daddies loving the humans more than them. John Sheppard has been quoted as saying, "These people need to see a shrink."

The Apollo shows up with yet ANOTHER BALD GUY and opens negotiations with the Asurans with a flurry of nukes pissing them off in the process. The Asurans then drive Atlantis out to Space by blowing up half the tower. After trying to stop the Asurans, Weir is captured, presumably used for sexual exploration.

Season 4

Samantha Carter takes control and Ronon greets her with a traditional Satedan welcome-a bag of flaming dog shit. He leaves it at her door amd she accidently steps on it, much to the excitment of Ronon. The Asurans are then defeated after they send in a She-male which is so attractive that it literally attracts all the asurans to it then Mckay naturally blows the whole planet up with the Asurans on it.

At the end of season 4 Teyla is abducted by Michael (no not Michael Jackson) and plans to use her aborted fetus for stem cell research. Sheppard goes forward in time and meets a 900,000,000,000 year old Mckay, He says everyone died even him and using technobabble somehow sends sheppard back to the past to save teyla from the stem cell workshop. Mckay finds a computer there but knowing it isn't Michael due to lack of semen on the fingers says out loud "You're All Fucked" and the whole thing blows up.

Season 5

They are rescued, Teyla's baby hurls at Rodney's face but he does catch it. Caldwell tells Marks, "Please make that ship go away" and blows up Michael... Er, sort of.

The Asgard are soon learnt not to be dead but are now cocaine sellers who have been trying to bring down the Wraith market by blowing up stargates and wraith ships.

Then at the end of the series, a super hive is created and cripples all the earth ships even with their lazers. Ronon, Lorne, Mckay and Teyla then board it when it is in the way of Earth's gate. Ronon's wig falls off, a Wraith stabs him with an ultra-sharp candy cane, and he dies. He gets re-incarnated by a Wraith who's willing to experiment and saved from certain exploitation by Sheppard and the rest. Mind you, Sheppard left some radioactive jam on his F-302 which would destroy the ship in seconds. Atlantis comes and fights it, Sheppard detonates the jam and escapes to Atlantis. Atlantis lands completely unironically in the Pacific Ocean. The last line of the series is

“By the way, I got the AIDS from Mckay. Keller, you're screwed! Muawhahaha!”

~ Sheppard

The Wraith

Wraith!crack deal gone bad.

The Wraith were first introduced in the first episode as a one-time enemy, and have since then grown into the leaders of a multi-billion intergalactic slave trade. They were initially created when Sheppard, bored after not killing anyone for a while, decided to infuse a Vampire Mayan with the genome, in hopes of directing a real life Metal Gear Solid movie.

After millions of years of accidental evolution inside McKay's time bending bathtub, the Wraith eventually become what we all know and love today. With vampire-esque powers and the ability to see 10 minutes into the past, the Wraith are nearly unstoppable. In episode 2, however, Sheppard bravely and accidentally travels to the Wraith homeworld and makes a series-changing discovery: The Wraith are vulnerable to bullets. Unfortunately, due to the peaceful nature of the Atlantis Expedition, bullets were taken off the list of "stuff to bring," despite bringing a large number of guns.

In the following season, the Wraith fly thousands of high-texture ships towards the floating city of Atlantis in hopes of taking human hostages so the Wraith population can reproduce. Realizing that there is a 100.1% chance of defeat, Dr. Elizabeth Weir orders the women and children to jump into the ocean and swim hundreds of miles to the mainland, while the men stay back at Atlantis and launch the city skyward in some sort of Japanese Kamikaze attack from WWII. Rodney suggests faking a self destruct and then cloaking the city, but Zelenka, being a big fan of WWII, favors the kamikaze idea. Equal in strength, the two fight for 3 episodes until Ronon shoots both of them in the kneecaps and accidentally hits the cloak button in the process.

Because of their 6 second memory, the Wraith quickly forget what they were doing and began to fly their ships into each other, a great victory for Earth and Canada. The congressional Medal of Honor is awarded to Ronon's gun and the city stays cloaked for a season and a half because they can't figure out how to uncloak it.

Their most noticeable feature is their 2nd vagina in their right hand giving them another name just to piss them off "Vagina Palmed Green Skinned Fucks"

Merchandising

Stargate Atlantis has spawned a wide variety of merchandising, available in most second-world countries.

• Wraith!crack Candy: Looks like real Wraith liver! Makes people totally flip out and get huge pupils. Comes in various flavors: chocolate, strawberry, vanilla, and liver.
• ZPM Adult Toys: Self-explanatory. Quite popular with the female fans.
• Puddle Jumper PJs: Cute, stylish, and practical nightwear. Impress your Mom with your coolness.
• P-90s: Shoot live rounds. Not to be used in-doors unless in times of war.
• McKay-Bear: Soft toy in the image of David Hewlett that insults the user's intelligence when a string is pulled.
• Drone: Powerful glowing projectile weapons that make you stare at them with awe even when they're killing you. Warning! Keep away from Scottish doctors!
• Fandoms: Since the act of liking the show is free, expensive tribal tattoos picturing various characters are required to be a real fan.

Atlantis>SG1

Yes, we did do this with Trek but it's fun!

• Ronon's hair is a sex symbol; O'Neill's is likely a toupee
• Sheppard is a colonel is his 30s! O'Neill became a colonel in his 45-50s. pfft... Sucker
• Didn't have an ass-needling necrophiliac as a doctor- just a crazy Scotsman
• Its first episode's main title song was "Under the Sea" which kicked ass
• Earth Battle ships lost... Atlantis: 0 - SG-1: 2
• Had an even sexier girl in Atlantis not a dumb fuck blonde
• Atlantis had cool CGI ships- not the paper mache ones that SG-1 had
• Mckay blew up a solar system! Carter just blew up all her lovers... the ungrateful bitch
• Sheppard is a chick magnet while Teal'c is an assasinator magnet
• Fraiser stole a kid from some planet making her the universe's new Madonna. Beckett would never do that, seriously.
• Atlantis never had a milky galaxy drug named casa
• Rodney never got sodomized by creepy Egyptian weirdos, unlike Jackson
• Did Cheyenne mountain ever fly into hyperspace? No? Didn't think so
• When SG-1 makes problems, they fix them. When Sheppard does, he tells everyone to go fuck themselves, live with it, and asks them to come back to his kribb
• Sheppard is sarcastic, sly and non-caring, even in the most life threatening of times.
• Ronon can be like spiderman hanging from the roof of the Daedalus killing every one of those green skinned vagina palmed fucks.
• When O'Neill wakes up, he plays crossword. When Todd wakes up, he gets pissed enough to use that 2nd vagina on his hand (who said wraith had twig'n'berries anyway)
• Ford took drugs. Jonas was gay and pissed off his entire planet (hmm... it could go either way there)
• With Whales nearby there is free sushi for all, why else do you think the Japanese joined the expedition
• Mckay took more drugs then Arnold Scwarzenegger and Russell Crowe combined, yet he didn't have addiction problems afterward
• Racism is non existant apart from Russia being excluded from the expedition due to SG-1 giving them a warship and the Russians couldn't take care of it for even 5 minutes(although it might be due to the controls being american). So yeah, thats SG-1's fault
• Sheppard's hair
• They live in a city on water- what else could you want?
• You have beer in Atlantis, not pisswater like the SGC
• Fought off 10 Hives at once. SG-1 could barely handle 2 motherships
• No Lucien Alliance (who the hell are they anyway?)
• They had mini ships that could fire spinning squid-shaped light bulbs that destroyed hive ships with 2-3hits. Prometheus never came close to destroying a mothership
• Everyone in Pegasus spoke perfect English. No need for Daniel Jackson here
• WAAAAAAAAAAAAY better opening title sequence
• Did the Wraith ever have silly names like B'alls'suk Ro'nar or you'suk? Nope. I mean seriously what gay names
• Not to mention Yu. No, not 'you,' I mean Yu- no not you either I mean Yu... no, no, no! Yu- ah for god's sake I don't mean you either! The guy's name is Yu.....what a bloody pathetic pun

Atlantis<Sg1

• Teal'c had a catchphrase, Ronon had girly locks
• Atlantis's scientists are not hot...Carter is out of playboy.
• Vagina's in palms, need I say more
• Glowing eyes were better then horny experiences with getting your testosterone sucked out.....or was it life?
• Gou'ald ships had shields......wraith had none
• Atlantis lasted 5 seasons, Sg1 had 10
• Girls don't try to hit on/Rape O'neill at every oppurtunity
• Teal'c totally pwned Caldwell he started out with no hair and finished WITH hair, Caldwell is Picard all over again
• Had a hot midget as a doctor who liked the needle+arse treatment
• Had a sexy alien who raped Jackson, Rodney never got any action from any aliens
• Everyone spoke English, whilst some people in SG1 spoke backward Japanese
• Sg1 had nudity and full on boobage, Atlantis loses 10 points on this one
• Weir never yelled "Yeeehaaa" in full Texan Draw.
• Carter was never afraid of the moby dick whale.
• People had nightmares about Sheppard, women and men probably had wet dreams over O'nei- oh wait both of them hmm....
• Siler>Zelenka
• Vala Mal Doran>all other characters combined

See Also

• Stargate
• Stargate SG-1
• Stargate Universe
• Stargate: The Ark of Continuum
• Star Gate episodes and movies
• David Hewlett
• McWeir
• Sheyla