John Sheppard

Don't screw with me, bitch.

“Oh my God,he is Kirk!”

~ Meredith Rodney Ingram McKay on John "The Womanizer" Sheppard

“Thank you!”

~ John Sheppard on being compared to Captain Kirk

“My ship's bigger!”

~ Captain Kirk on John "Puddlejumper'R'Us" Sheppard

John Sheppard is the military commander on the quasi-fictional show Stargate Atlantis, currently holding the rank of Lieutenant Colonel. His continuing mission: to find more ZPMs to fuel the expeditions' supply of adult toys.

Origins

Believed by some to have emerged from the primordial ooze with other worthies such as Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, and Scooby Doo. He spent much of his life in one military or another, repeatedly mouthing off to his superiors and getting demoted for it.

Currently, he is able to pass himself off as the second cousin twice removed of Andrew Dean Richardson.

Enemies

• The Wraith, whom he really pissed off when he accidentally burned their angsty poetry collection.
• The Replicators, when he blew up their city, the twin sister of Atlantis, Aardvarkia.
• Acastus Kolya, who has repeatedly threatened Sheppard in the past with his death, the death of his friends, and the emptying of all his hair products into the ocean. Probably the most vile enemy of them all, the bastard. Seriously, threatening The Hair Products?!

The Hair

The Hair is a good part of what makes Sheppard the sex god he is today. After all, chicks dig The Hair.

Many believe that The Hair is a sentient and separate life-form and should have its own identity (not to mention its own show and thirty percent of the profits).

Known Facts

• Colonel Sheppard is currently not attached to any one person, but has been linked to many people through rumors and suggestive pictures. Some of these people include:
  • Chaya, a rebel Ancient.
  • Teer, a hippie who thought she was an Ancient.
  • Atlantis itself, who has found that it likes him better than the Ancients who built her. (Slut.)
  • Rodney McKay, even though he is currently obsessing over Samantha Carter.
  • Elizabeth Weir
  • Teyla Emmagan
  • Jennifer Garner
  • George Clooney
  • All of Atlantis' Jumper Ships
  • The nurses of the infirmary (that is why we rarely see them)
  • Angelina Jolie
  • His Gun

• Colonel Sheppard is portrayed by known Rebel Sympathizer (and ex-boyfriend of Marilyn Monroe), Joe Flanigan.

• Colonel Sheppard's hobbies include: skateboarding, surfing, igniting women, listening to Johnny Cash music, inspiring swooning in all people, hiding his Enya collection, making wraith emo, vehemently denying any supposed listening to Enya, forcing wraith to write emo poetry based on their failures when he shuts them down, being a 14-year-old girl, being socially awkward, gazing at McKay fondly without realizing, being stoic and manly, being borderline illegally hot and oblivious, INTERIOR DESIGN (BECAUSE HAVE YOU SEEN THE SPARKLY CURTAINS IN HIS ROOM?!), sewing sequins onto curtains to create a stylish yet functional room decoration, dreaming up ways to improve hive ships with throw pillows, square dancing, practicing his manly swagger, getting captured, Meredith Rodney Ingram McKay, guns, saving people, blowing things up, saving people while blowing things up, calling Rodney McKay by his True Name: Meredith Queen of the Whales.

• Colonel Sheppard's interests include: football, ferris wheels, anything that goes over 200 miles an hour, Enya, opening doors with welding torches, whispering sweet nothings to puddle jumpers, impregnating extraterrestrial women and caressing Atlantis' walls in a mildly creepy way.

• Colonel Sheppard dislikes: Bugs and Clowns.
• Is rumored to be God's sexy twin-brother.
• John Sheppard possesses the ability to turn anyone he so chooses into a puddle with only a single glance.
• He killed sexyness to create it over again with his own hair alone.

See Also

• Stargate
• Star Gate
• Stargate Atlantis
• Andrew Dean Richardson
• Amanda Tapping
• Joe Flanigan
• Elizabeth Weir
• Sheyla