Seventh-day Adventist Church
“I'm not suffering from epilepsy!”
“An erection is a flagpole on your gravestone! - Give this man a milk and corn flake enema!”
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1. The Holy Scriptures are the infallible revelation of God's will
The Holy Scriptures are the standard of character, the test of experience, the authoritative revealer of doctrines, and the trustworthy record of God's acts in history. When the Bible contradicts Ellen G. White, the former is to be taken metaphorically. When the Bible contradicts itself, an undergraduate theology degree, three years of Greek, two years of Hebrew and a Doctor of Divinity degree from Andrews University will make you lose track of the verses that made you question in the first place. When the Bible contradicts common sense, just remember that the Lord works in mysterious ways and all doubt comes from a love for sin.
2. There is one God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, a unity of three co-eternal Persons
God is immortal, all-powerful, all-knowing, and, above all, ever present. Basically, God is a junta of three controlling, know-it-all, nosy fellows who've parked themselves on your living room couch and won't take the hint that you'd like a little "me" time once in a while.
3. God the eternal Father is the Creator, Source, Sustainer, and Sovereign of all creation
4. God the eternal Son became incarnate in Jesus Christ
In other words, God became flesh in Jesus Christ. And when he was flesh, he was quite popular with the ladies. Although Jesus described himself accurately when he said, "Behold! I come quickly," he never failed to fulfill his promise of a second coming. And when Jesus was by himself, he could always rely on a second coming being "at hand."
5. God the Holy Ghost aided the Father and Son in Creation, incarnation and redemption and he STILL can't get no respect
God the Holy Ghost inspired the writers of Scripture, for Christ's sake, but did he get top billing? No! Barely an honorable mention.
When Jesus was incarnate, the Holy Ghost had his back, but do you think that little ingrate ever invites him over to dinner? Yeah, right.
6. God is Creator of all things
In Scripture, God has revealed the authentic account of His creative activity. In six literal, 24-hour days the Lord made "the heaven and the earth" and all living things upon the earth; except, for "certain races" produced after the flood by men breeding with beasts. Baker is believed to have formulated this view after stumbling upon a Native American bio weapons lab in the woods, where they were breeding an army of werewolves to eat all the white people.
7. Nature of Man
Man and woman were made in the image of God with individuality as well as the power and freedom to think and to do. The key point in this doctrine... No such thing as immortal souls! And if you do not think and do exactly what is written in the Bible as interpreted by Ellen G. White, God WILL smite you.
8. Great Controversy
All humanity is now involved in a great controversy between Christ and Satan regarding the character of God, His law, and His sovereignty over the universe. In other words, a great cosmic drive-by in going on and humans better run and hide if they don't want to be collateral damage.
9. End Times and the Roman Catholic Church
Adventists believe that the Catholics hate them, and are constantly plotting ways to force everybody to go to church on Sunday instead of Saturday. Pretty much, they believe that the Catholics are secretly taking over the U.S. and all other countries. After their unholy alliance is made known, they will kill Jews and Adventists. In conclusion, if you go to church on Sunday, you will be roasted after Jesus comes again but will have a great end of the world. Go to church on Saturday, and those Catholic heathens will torment you during the end times, but you will go to heaven.
10. Ellen G. White, the Dear Non Prophet Messenger of God
She is a prophet (kinda), and the originator of the SDA's. Every single word that she wrote came straight from Jesus, resulting in the "Compilation of Holy Shopping Lists as directed by our Holy Lord" and "How to Wash Dishes, the Jesus Way!". What she says applies to everyone but church leaders, they are "closer to God" and can simply ignore "earthly rules". She prohibits many things, most importantly, owning a bicycle or even writing the word mastur...masturbat...Onanism without a euphemism. If her writing contradicts the bible (say Leviticus 15:16), than you're reading it wrong, and will be unclean until
11. Adventist Edumacation
From the very beginning of the Seventh Day Adventist church movement thing, they recognized they only way the movement could survive is by creating an insular subculture that traps kids. One of the most famous ways of accomplishing this goal is their comprehensive education system. While they have the second largest denominational educational, nobody but Adventists actually go through it. Adventist schools are known for their frugalness, such as, hiring under qualified people to teach classes, forcing teachers to share teacher books, and using everything till it breaks (or dies). In reality, Adventist schools were created to protect mini Adventists from satanic things such as dancing, theater, rock and roll music, and the boring chapter on evolution in biology. Adventist Universities are well know to accept any member of the Adventist church. Adventist Universities are in a race against Bob Jones University to receive the prestigious award of "University most like a prison camp because of religiously motivated reasons."
Culture and practices
The typical Sabbath afternoon consists of building bunkers for the upcoming armaggedon, staring at the sun, vandalizing this article and screaming at passing traffic while waving a cardboard the end is nigh sign.
Health and diet
No Meat. Your diet will be dictated by the whims of Worthington Foods. You will blessed by God if you go vegan, if you don't die first. No coffee, cigarettes or booze either; but you can feel free to eat yourself into a diabetic coma with little Debbie snacks:the second favorite discount desert of mutant, post nuclear apocalypse cockroaches, after Twinkies.
Ethics and sexuality
Strict chastity of both men and women before marriage. That means if we see that dick come out of your pants in any other place than in front of a urinal, it's getting cut off if your lucky. Adventists refuse to recognize gay people because it just doesn't fit with their mojo. Although they were co founded by a woman, other women will have to start their own church because they won't be ordained.
Adventists dress conservatively, because they believe that money is more wisely spent on paying researchers full-time salaries to pursue paleontology, sedimentology, paleoecology and molecular biology to resolve the conflict between the theory that life on earth evolved over billions of years of progressive development and the biblical account that God created the sun, the moon, the stars, the earth, the sea and all that in them is in six literal days (Geoscience Research Institute). Adam and Eve were the ideal couple, created in a tuxedo and a wedding dress.
For entertainment, Adventists under the age of 21 are encouraged to watch videos portraying the demise of the church and their impending torture and death at the hands of the US government-Catholic Church. Also widely viewed is a group marching instruction video to ensure that the "Adventists's Army" (also know as Pathfinders) is skilled in the art of marching to their death.
Pathfinders (Aka "Adventist's Army)
The Youth Department of the Seventh-day Adventist church runs an organization for 10- to 18-year-old boys and girls called "Pathfinders," which is where young men and women are forced to march in group formation wearing faux-army uniforms and then fill out worksheets on knitting and doing laundry to prepare for the end times. But you gotta give them this: the organization is co-ed.
Adventists have figured out how to live into their mid 90's making it so that one can have many years of wondering why they lived so long doing as others in the church told them to. Studies also show that lifelong members of the Seventh Day Adventist Church often die of a broken heart. They never had a chance...
Unlike Shriners Hospital, the Holy Unmercenaries at Adventist Hospitals are known for turning the other cheek when it comes to sickly children's medical bills, that way they can check both pockets for a wallet.
Humanitarian aid and the environment
For over 50 years the SDA church has thrown money at poverty, by forcing students of their various schools to construct churches in countries they can extort money from. If a church is built in a small village, they'll be able to take 10% of SOMETHING, and eventually all those micro transactions add up.
Environmentally, Adventists take care not to ruin the earth for future generations...even though they believe there won't be any future generations because Jesus is coming back any day now.
You are granted complete liberty for how you live your life, what you eat and what you do in your free time. Just kidding. Listen to the church or ye shall be cast out. If you are "lukewarm," they shall spit you from their mouths. (Revelation 3:16)
Offshoots and schisms
Throughout the history of the denomination, there have been a number of groups who have left the church and formed their own movements. Because if God does exist, SDAs know how to make him look stupid. Many adventist basement dwellers claim Jehovah's Witnesses are a sect of the SDA church. This is half true considering that witnesses have half of the exact same beliefs except Jehovah's Witnesses do a Sunday sabbath because the Saturday sabbath is too jewish. Also the JW founder was a Seventh-day Adventist. Both groups are related but never separated into a sect from each other and are kissing cousins in the family tree of the restoration and Millerite movements. However the only real exception is Prince (artist), which is a religion of its own and a sect of both, and of coarse there's Waco, Texas.
End of the world tour
Jesus was slated to front line the band Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as lead vocalist, for an end of the world retirement concert on
March 21, 1844 April 18, 1844 October 22, 1844 . Tickets were sold out, but the band broke up and canceled at the last minute, leading to rioting in the streets. The bands scheduled for a comeback 08:36:28, 3 March 2024 (UTC) , tickets are available for a limited time only.