Kinnikuman
Awesome. Stupendous. Amazing. These are the words that do not define Kinnikuman (pronounced KEN-EEK-KOO-MAN, not KEN-EEK-KOO-MARN), which this article is about. But rather "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious", which works perfectly fine. A wrestler of many kinds, he redefined the entire aspect of wrestling as we know it and it is he who invented the use of steel chairs, tables, and farting in your opponent's face during televised sports matches.
Early Life[edit]
Kinnikuman (Perry Ness or P. Ness as he used to sign in his kindergarten papers) was born in San Francisco, California in 1951 into the Yudetamago family and is the younger "twin" brother of Ultraman. Ness lived a clean life, munching on garlic obsessively for strength because he thought it would make him stronger. Of course, he tried other things from time to time, like spinach and pizza, and tasty as they were, they weren't quite the same for him. He also tried tacos for a while, but got tired of them.
Everything went well for the young man until he laid his eyes on Mexican wrestling. Greatly inspired by the antics of these masked doodads, he would seek a proper mask to plant his head into. He tried many different masks, such as a wolfman mask, a gorilla mask, and a gas mask, but it wasn't until someone told him that he was putting on Halloween masks till he realized how stupid he was being, got discouraged, and went home feeling like an idiot.
While outside one day, he found an innocent looking mask just laying out in the middle of the sidewalk, looking for someone to pick it up and put it on. Ness, who felt sorry for this little mask, which looked like a freakish fish with big red lips and a fin on its head, then decided to put it on, and when he did, he soon felt a burning passion enter his body! He realized that this must be what it feels like to be a luchador.
Wearing the ugly mask 24/7, Ness would aim to get his name changed, and succeeded in doing so, going by the new name of Suguru Kinniku from then on out. He would tote this name everywhere he went, including to the bathroom and, yes, even to THAT place. You know the one I mean.
Throughout his school years he could easily earn an A+ in every subject just by headlocking his teachers and threatening to fart in their face. Back during this time, no teacher wanted this, so it was the only respectable thing to do, especially when he had an IQ of 5.
His Entry Into the Wrestling World[edit]
When he reached 26 years old and earned his high school diploma, Suguru decided to say goodbye to his parents. He chickenwinged his mother into submission and body-slammed his father, then used a piledriver on the cat before heading out into the real world after living in the basement for so long. Times were tough for Suguru; The only job he could afford to get was as a sausage grinder in a butcher shop to make "meatshakes".
One time a PETA nut came into the store and demanded the store be closed down. Suguru, annoyed by this, smacked the pest over the head with a steel chair then chokeslammed him through a table before proceeding to grind his arm off with the sausage grinder. He was then noticed by Hulk Hogan, who happened to be right there eating his own chicken and hot dog meat shake.
Seeing potential in the man, Hogan took him under his wing and proceeded to teach him even more about wrestling. While training, our masked wacko was ambushed by PETA terrorists; He then proceeded to wrestle them all into oblivion and tore the legs off of one with a boston crab hold. The result was him being called a hero, and he was given pie as a reward. He thanked the town by powerbombing the mayor.
Hulk Hogan, realizing the power in his pupil, trained Suguru relentlessly all the way to hell and back before getting him into the wrestling world... and that would be the hour of Kinnikuman and the redefinition of "sports entertainment" (what it's called according to Vince McMahon). That would also be when he finally received the official name... Kinnikuman (which is Japanese for "muscleman" and Korean for "he who lives in garbage cans").
Kinnikumania[edit]
After much persuasion through violence, it was agreed that he should be allowed and Kinnikuman signed the contract in blood and then smashed the desk with an extreme headbutt in an act of awesome. He debuted in 1982, where he won his first match in 3 seconds with a kick to the nads. This shocked everyone. But they soon came to love it. This invented the groin attack which is now used in wrestling today. His signature move was the "Muscle Spark" in which he sets his foes on fire, and it hurt a lot, making the opponents "pass out" from serious third-degree burns. From this point on, he was given a new trainer: a piece of meat, named "Meat".
He propelled straight to the top, giving wrestling a more extreme attitude, winning 50 championships around the world by 1996, his own line of action figures (which was called M.U.S.C.L.E or Many Ugly Stupid pieces o' Crap that look Like Erasers) and even a Saturday morning cartoon show, which was based on his wrestling career as he battled fierce monsters and ate beef all day. All the while, he started Kinnikumania, and fans everywhere would gather to watch him smash the rival organization known as dMp, which he also invented. Then Vince McMahon came around, and managed to get Kinnikuman to join the WWE. It was then that his career began to plummet, especially when Meat began to age past his expiration date.
After being forced to wear frilly skirts, milk goats with his bare teeth, and kiss his butt for the 76th time, fans began to boo Kinnikuman, calling him a has-been and a man who sold his soul to McMahon. But he didn't care, he was corrupted by money. By 2001, Suguru couldn't take it anymore himself, and used his patented Kinniku Buster on McMahon in public television and then farted on his face, which in return got him fired and never allow him to wrestle again. Fans cheered, but after learning about this 'never-wrestle-again' thing they began to cry for their beloved hero. Kinnikuman left with a fart and was seemingly never seen again.
Where Is He Now?[edit]
As of current, Kinnikuman is working as a bouncer in a local Pizza Hut down in Arkansas. Suguru makes his living by kicking out kids beating on the arcade machines and shoves the pizza down the person's throat when they order it then refuse to eat it. He has recently released a biography called "This Is A Biography About Me. My Name Is Kinnikuman, and You Better Read My Book, or I'll Smash You With A Steel Chair." He has retired from wrestling, and rightly so, since he forgot all about what wrestling is and how it's supposed to work.
He is living a happy life with his wife and son, who is currently wrestling while wearing a mask much like his father's, Mantaro Kinniku, or "Kid Muscle" to the wrestling world.
However, Kid Muscle also forgot what wrestling is and how it's supposed to work, thus he ends up killin' all his opponents by torning them apart using the Kinniku Buster, generally resulting in a loss by DQ, for killing opponents is illegal while inside the ring (no rules against killing outside) but he tries anyway, and people somehow still love him for it.
Other Things to Note[edit]
- Kinnikuman burned all evidence of what his face looked like before wearing the mask. People only make speculations as to what he may look like underneath. Some people claim he looks like Gary Coleman under the mask.
- He is a wrestler.
- Kinnikuman is in no way related to Kikkoman, even though both seem to be. Then again, records state Kikkoman may be his second uncle's sister's half-cousin's brother thrice removed.
- If you are reading this sentence, you are gay.
- Did you know--nah, nevermind.
- Hey, you... you better eat your pizza when you order it, or you'll invoke his muscular wrath.
- Wrestlemania 27 Undertaker vs. Kinnikuman Career vs. Streak match (Kinnikuman will win)