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Today's featured article – Star Trek
Star Trek was a government-mandated Pavlovian conditioning method to keep left-wing radicals and other kooks locked in their homes, staring at an electron gun with glass in front of it.
Gene Roddenberry (Star Trek's creator) hated the planet Earth after falling off his bike onto it, badly grazing a knee. "The only reason every damn television series is set on this damn planet is because of institutional racism — nothing more, nothing less," he commented. His words here spoken by an actor in a weak attempt to conceal inebriation at the hands of Klingon Mind Laager. "But it's ridiculous; there's billions of planets out there and only one of them is Earth. Unless of course you count parallel universes, which I do ... but that's just a hobby, and to be honest, I've lost count."
Roddenberry also despised hats. No one in the Federation ever wears one, except while disguised on a backwards planet plagued by social ills and long-winded speeches. Not even when they're trapped on an ice planet and freezing to death do crewmen wear hats. This is because Roddenberry realized hats are the symbol both of corrupt monarchies and of organized religions. (more...)
Previously featured article – Windows XP
Windows XP, aka NT 5.1.2600, Windows XD or Windows :P is a detestable operating system. It remains Microsoft's "best" system to date, being far superior to subsequent products according to most late adopters.[1] It had an innovative graphical user interface compared to the bloatware known as MS-DOS, while taking up only 40 gigs of disk space. Its file system interacted fully with more dominant operating systems such as OS/2 Warp and Linux, and it featured enhanced mouse support, although still lacking rat support. (more...)
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| *... cats smuggled into screenings of The Black Panther only gave it a rating of 65% on Metacritic?
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| Jewish people raped these people
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April 3: Vivaldi Appreciation Sunday
- 10,000,000 BCE - The Grim Reaper is born. He will initially be informed of deaths by his Grim Beeper. Later, he would have a Facebook app telling him when someone dies.
- 468 BCE - Hashish is patented by the Incas.
- 1220 - The Dark Ages are briefly illuminated by a massive explosion in Syria.
- 1666 - Sir Marquis Baron Vivaldi walks to the crossroads lugging a harpsichord and sells his soul to Satan.
- 1777 - Vivaldi writes his first Satanic backward message, later stolen by the Led-Zep dudes.
- 1888 - Vivaldi returns from Hell and composes a new record, A Change of Four Season, later stolen by regressive metal band Dream Theater who exclude the word "Four".
- 1945 - Someone proclaims that if you play John Cage's 4'33" backwards, you'll hear Vivaldi's second Satanic message.
- 1948 - The Marshall Mathers plan to flood Europe with rap music commences.
- 1974 - Tornadoes sweep the U.S.A, inspiring the invention of the tumble drier.
- 1982 - A Heavy Metal dude releases Vivaldi's tribute album Ultimate Classical Bong.
- 1986 - The D.J. murder rate is at an all-time high, blamed on the provocative lyrics of a single by hardcore rap collective The Smiths. (pictured)
- 1996 - The Unabomber is arrested for crimes against tasteful nomenclature.
- 1995 - Due to a Linux error, April 3, 1997 actually starts in 1995.
- 2007 - Bloody Vivaldi and the Martini Gore, the Baroque Death Metal Vivaldi tribute band, is formed.
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- ↑ Windows XP remains the overwhelming favorite of late adopters so hidebound as to also refuse to adopt the term "African American," though it seems we're onto something else now.
