Strictly Cum

2006 Winner, Miss Briana Banks

“It really is as bad as you think”

~ Oscar Wilde on Strictly Cum

Strictly Cum is a British television show, featuring celebrities and professional porn stars ejaculating everywhere. The title of the show suggests a continuation of the long-running series Come, with allusions to the film Strictly Ball.

Inception

The show has run on BBC One since 2002. A fifth series finished in December 2007, and there have been four stand-alone Christmas Specials, in 2004, 2005, 2006 and 2007. Series Four was also shown as part of the BBC's line-up on its trial High Definition channel, BBC HD.

The format has been exported to other countries (see Spunking on the Stars). The final of the fourth series in December 2006 attracted an audience of over 1 viewer, making it the highest watched show on TV for that week. The format has also inspired a urine themed spin-off Strictly Body Fluids.

Strictly Cum is due to go on tour at the beginning of 2008 for the first time and will be hosted by Kate Thornton. Bruno Tonioli will not be judging this competition, as there is no competition involved.

Format

The show begins by introducing the contestants one by one. The host typically asks them a few light-hearted questions such as what they had for breakfast and whether it had any cum in it. The host then announces who will be paired with who; often men will be paired with women but it is not unusual for two men or two women to be paired. There have been criticisms that pairing two women is not fair as female ejaculation is more difficult, but these were not upheld as female ejaculation is fucking awesome, especially among lesbians.

The first round involves each pair masturbating till they cum on each other, the first pair to cum gets 10 points, as do the other teams. Round two also involves each pair masturbating till they cum on each other, but in this round each team gets 20 points. Round three is similar to round two but- well in fact its identical to round two.

Round four is also called the Wanking Round as it is exactly the same as the previous rounds. Round five involves oral sex, and the contestants are allowed to use toys to penetrate each other. No points are available in this round.

The last round is called General Knowledge and involves each pair masturbating till they cum. The winner of this round gets their score doubled, and the runners up get their score increased by 100%.

After the last round the winner is announced or in the event of a tie, the teams go into a sudden death "wank-off". As no contestant has yet died during this stage every game has been declared a draw.

The show ends with the host Bruce Forsyth taking his clothes off and being fellated by the BBC's in-house sluts. Whilst this is happening he shouts out his famous catchphrase "Higher or Lower?!" to ask the audience the current ascendancy of his Viagra-assisted penis.

Criticism

Unsurprisingly, due to the shows graphic depiction of masturbation and oral sex, the public reaction was largely negative (with some very notable exceptions). The BBC has since begun an enquiry into how a show which violates every single law of taste and decency came to be commissioned and broadcast without any objections or concerns being raised by either the film crew or executives. A preliminary report was leaked to the press which gives some insight.

Preliminary Report

In 2002, six high-ranking program commissioners were contacted by an armature porn director threatening to expose them as appearing in such titles as "BBC: British Blowjob Circle" and "Greg's Dykes". Although the allegations were completely unfounded and the tapes obviously non-existant the six executives nevertheless caved in to the directors demands.

Those involved embezzling £80,000,000 of BBC money to pay the blackmailer. In an effort to make up the loss the six tried to commission a new show. Having no ideas of their own they asked the blackmailer to come up with a proposal. This he did and Strictly Cum was born.

The report highlights a number of failings, including:

• The six executives should have identified the allegations as hollow,
• The corporation should have noticed £80,000,000 being stolen,
• The decision to employ the blackmailer was ill considered,
• The failure to report the blackmailer to the police once his identity was revealed was unacceptable,
• The failure of the executives to notice the show's content was an avoidable mishap.
• The blackmailer, on the other hand, acted reasonably in presuming that BBC stood for "big, black cocks" as this result was based on a lengthy Internet search with multiple, reliable sources.

The report (still unofficial and in its preliminary stages) recommends that no one at the BBC should be held responsible as the failures were largely either corporate failings or Godzilla's fault. The report also recommends the blackmailer (revealed to be Alistair Campbell) should be nominated for a peerage.

Reaction

When the show was first broadcast, protests about the pre-watershed depiction of sex and nudity were held at the BBC and the studio. Police were quickly called in and many protesters were fired at and killed. The show's abysmal viewing figures only caused BBC bosses to get even more firmly behind the show, calling on the public to "give the show a chance to become compulsive family viewing".

In 2004, the Pimp Minister Tony Blair called the show "a load of fucking wankers doing what comes naturally", this led to calls for his resignation over the Iraq War.

In 2007, there was a fresh public outcry when it was announced that four of the female porn stars had become pregnant following a faulty coil insertion during the Happy Ending Sequence. An inquiry was launched into what this bizare explanation actually means.

It was confirmed in an off the record press briefing that at least one high profile member of the Royal Family was an avid viewer of the program. No specific royal was mentioned although there were strong hints that he or she was married to the Queen. This led to Princess Anne being named and shamed in the News of the World. Pictures of Prince Harry ejaculating over Iraqi detainees were also said to have been shown to journalists, apparently inspired by the show.