Prince Harry of Wales
“I was shocked that Harry used the word "paki" when referring to an Asian comrade. I've spoken to him personally and he's now aware that the word to use is "sooty"”
“I can't believe he is really my brother, with that stupid ginger hair! I think he's the result of our mum being raped by an alien.”
“Jackal”
Prince Henry of Wales (Harry Saxon Windsor; born 15 September 1984), commonly known as The Artist Formerly known as Prince Harry,[1] is the younger son of Charles, Prince of Wales (well, officially anyway) and the late Diana, Princess of Wales, and fourth grandchild of Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh. As such, Prince Harry (Duke of Nitwit, Baron of Bognor, the Lord of Go Fuck Yourself) is third in line to the throne of the United Kingdom, something which would never happen in a country with a sensible attitude to choosing its head of state.
Harry was awarded the title of 'Harry Pothead' after becoming Europe's most popular dealer of recreational drugs in 2005. Cults worship him as if he were a God, followers attempt to imitate him by dying their hair ginger and acting like guffawing upper-class morons. He has consistently won the renowned title of 'Upper Class Twit Of The Year' as well as 'Britain's Biggest Minger' for the past five years. Prince Harry also visited Lord Jaffa's son Weasly in the story of creation in the religion Gingeranity.
Early life[edit]
Harry was born in 1984 to the sounds of Bucks Fizz and Wham!. Because children are extremely boring and of no interest unless you're Gary Glitter there's not much more to say about him until 1997 when his mother, Princess Diana, was killed in Paris and everyone remembers him walking behind his mother's coffin alongside his brother, the better-looking and more sensible Prince William. But who cares about him, the boring git?
Royal duties and career[edit]
Once he reached adulthood, Harry quickly jettisoned the image the Windsor's had tried hard to build-up that they were a sensible family governed by prudish morals and instead decided to emulate his ancestor Edward VII. First, he was caught cheating on his Art Exam. Then, he got himself busted for smoking cannabis and was forced by the Palace to go and look at some heroin addicts (yes, that makes sense...) before promising he'd be good from then on. But instead he decided to dress up as a nazi a few years later in tribute to Edward VIII.[2] Again, he was forced by the Palace to say he was sorry and that dressing up as a nazi was something you'd expect a spoiled upper-class twit who wants for nothing to do, not a member of the British Royal Family. But you can't keep a good Harry down and when he was made to join the army (the only thing his myopic family think counts as "serving the country") and despite the best efforts of the Queen to control him he managed to call his colleague a 'paki' on the privacy of videotape. Despite Harry's protests that it was a "friendly" term used "as part of the cameradery of the barracks" he was made to apologise. His grandfather, Prince Philip was said to be "appalled" that Prince Harry had referred to an Asian colleague as a 'friend'.
While on holiday in Las Vegas in August 2012, Harry finally and definitively exposed as myth the long-held belief that "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" – he also exposed his long-held member when he was photographed naked in a hotel room, reportedly during a game of strip billiards. "The Happy Prince", as he is sometimes known, was overheard declaring, "Who knew I'd have so much fun sinking my balls down the wrong hole?"
World Domination[edit]
According to CIA moles or are they using gophers, Harry is putting on a front for the public. He is just buying time to build his army of indestructible terminator dinosaurs, complete with transcontinental nuclear missiles and freakin' lasers that come out of their eyes. Harry fixed the 2008 US presidential election to make the United States weak.
The KGB's best agent, Mighty Mouse, has acquired documents of Harry's future plans. In those documents, details about how his brother's balding, weak leadership, coupled with Danger Mouse's efforts to undermine his regime, will result in Harry easily taking the throne. Instead of taking the title, King, Harry will declare himself Grand Fuhrer & Emperor of the Milky Way Galaxy. After that, he will have V blow up the Palace of Westminster and have mandatory partial frontal lobotomies administered to all British subjects. At about this time, the first prototype Death Star will be complete. The documents also describe how Prince Harry had experimental procedures that gave him super-sexual powers. Prince Harry's first royal decree will be reinstating Prima Nocta.[3]
What next?[edit]
Since conquering the Vegas Hilton, Harry has declared that he's ready to have a go at Paris Hilton next, and most likely in public, at a news stand near Picadilly Circus – says Harry, "I rather enjoyed splashing it across the tabloids."
Alternatively, he may build himself a spaceship and fly to another planet to create a new race.
He may end up with Lady Gaga & Ke$ha in a threesome somewhere in Africa. Good Lord, what am I saying?
He was also considered an outsider in the recent Papal elections. His qualities for the position included; "Granny is head of the protestants and I've been watching what she does", "Sister in-law is preggers, so I'm out of a that job" and "I'm good at irritating foreigners (I get that from Grandad) and I'd love the chance to start my own Crusade." Fernando Torres was another candidate on the grounds that he is a Catholic, speaks two languages (Spanish and Liverpoolish), and is not doing anything else at the moment.
Meghan[edit]
Prince Harry's life changed when he met Meghan Markle. He ceased to be fun.
Notes[edit]
| Preceded by: HRH Prince William |
Line of Succession to the British Throne |
Succeeded by: HRH The Duke of York (Prince Andrew) |
| Preceded by: Nick Griffin |
World's Biggest Racist 2009 |
Succeeded by: Mel Gibson |