Star Wars Kid
Star Wars Kid was one of the many forms of the internet's most unusual creatures, also known as the SWK, Four Eyed Fiend, or Shoggoth. It has developed an infamous reputation as the creator and star of the most famous of the early internet phenomena, including (but not limited to) the Numa Numa Dance, Angry German Kid, and the eponymous video of that fat dude swinging a broomstick.
Anatomy[edit]
The actual anatomy of the Shoggoth is near incomprehensible to the mere mortal mind. It can be described simply as an incorporeal mass of levitating slime, dotted with ghastly tentacles and mouths, but that would just be humoring bollocks. Its form is ever changing, and it can shape shift at will, much like the Animorphs. It has the ability to transform into any living life form it slays, though its functions while transformed are rudimentary at best. Say, for example, it kills Bob Ross. It will retain a pristine copy of his kinky afro and luscious pecs, but only be able to sketch a decent looking water color, let alone gain any joy from the painting.
Although it has the ability to take any vegetable or animal form that it chooses, it almost always takes on the same form for mysterious reasons. The phenotype, though slightly varied, always has the same defining characteristics:
- Glasses
- Excess fat in the abdomen and chest region
- Unkempt or otherwise unattractive features
History[edit]
The Shoggoth migrated to Earth from an unknown planet outside of the Sol solar system some time during the late Archean Eon. Its actions from this time up until recent years are cloudy at best, but due to its extreme length, it is presumed he spent much of it inventing and playing board games such as Scrabble and Bridge with its cosmic relatives.
The Shoggoth surfaced in written history at the end of World War Two, when it is assumed he slew Adolf Hitler just as he was about to perform a miraculous comeback, just to obtain his stylish moustache. Sadly, the Shoggoth was a poor tactician and wasn't entirely pleased with Eva Braun's sexual mediocrity, and ended up having to lose the war and abandon the body.
The details on its life following war's end are shady, given its near-transparency and fondness for trenchcoats, but it's assumed it migrated to California, where it rented a studio apartment and acquired the general form it would use for decades to come. It passed its time alternating between Scrabble tournaments in the morning and brutal slayings at night until Al Gore invented a series of tubes that would change its life forever: the internet. Shoggoth showed its face for the first time on the internet with its video R'yleh Shoggoth Vil'i, in which he displayed its prowess at hand-to-hand combat in front of a camera. However, its human form was too weak and fleshy to bear the mighty golden trident he intended on using, and was instead forced to use a broomstick. The video was posted online and was misinterpreted to be a recreation of a Star Wars fight scene; it was reposted days later with the new title of Star Wars Kid, and got over 900 million hits in the ensuing years.
It was quite angry that its thunder was stolen by bratty teens, so he released several other hit videos, including fan favorites Numa Numa and Angry German Kid, in an effort to spread its mysterious message even further. Much to its dismay, not everyone could understand its language, and the reposts and thunder-steals continued.
Death[edit]
In 2007, internet detectives and hackers on steroids from 4chan's /x/ board noticed uncanny consistencies with these supposedly unrelated internet phenomena. Much research was done into the issue, with disturbing results: the existence of Shoggoth went public. The well-kept secret of its life was finally known and the Shoggoth got scared, so it moved to its auntie and uncle's in Bel-Air fled back to the Arctic circle, where internet assassins couldn't reach it.
Sadly, since it spent the last few decades in sunny Los Angeles, its ethereal body was no longer adapted to the icy cold of its former homeland, and it presumably froze to death somewhere near the final resting place of The Blob.
Lord help us when Global Warming kicks in.
Purpose[edit]
Why would such a biologically advanced being resort to making videos online? Many theorists speculate that it was a bid for attention that murders just couldn't get anymore. The Shoggoth, who admitted to framing O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake (among others), confirmed this theory in its tell-all autobiography Shifting ain't Easy. However, skeptics refuse to believe the validity of said autobiography, as it is loaded with spelling errors and prose reminiscent of a deformed Ernest Hemingway clone.
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