Production of Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens

The Millennium Vulcan sports a new paint job in this side-splitting Disney movie!

“May the Farce be with you!”

~ The movie's tagline

Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (or Star Wars 7, Episode 7, or Episode VII, when it was pending a decision on its actual name) was a movie that was released on December 18, 2015-ish (its release depended on Harrison Ford's broken toe; see Harrison Ford's Big Broken Toe below).

The 2012 purchase of the Star Wars brand, by Disney (from George Lucas), as well as the news that J.J. Abrams was on board to be the director of Star Wars 7, excited Star Wars fans around the world for the 2015 release. The announcement of the three biggest stars returning in Star Wars 7 from the original Star Wars, namely Chewtbacca, RU-D2, and C3PU, led to the anti-climatic leak that Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, and Harrison Ford will also be returning. This announcement led to the panic-inducing rumor that George Lucas was also returning, sending stock prices into free fall on Wall Street for 17 minutes, until J.J. Abrams Tweeted "No way Jorge, over my dead body!"

Anticipation ran high as pre-production began for the beloved space franchise, with actual filming starting soon after. The film's production log is detailed below.

Harrison Fords Big Broken Toe

“The very second Harrison Ford walked onto the Star Wars 7 set, the full size prop of the Millennium Vulcan collapsed on top of him, injuring his big toe.”

~ A grip interviewed on condition of anonymity

Mark Hamill denied using The Farce to injure his more successful co-star, but a crew member said "Mark clearly had his fingers crossed when he said it...so" (The set is located at the Pinewood Derby Studios in England)The injury was not clear, and rumors were that the toe actually broke completely off. Now production has been delayed because of the broken/broken-off toe, and Carrie Fisher has been laughing and calling Ford "Han NoToe" ever since. The incident has completely sidetracked production, and a rewrite of the script has begun.

Apparently, the report (Spoiler Alert!Spoiler Alert! Whoooo Whoooo!!!) is true, and the whole Star Wars 7 script had to be changed to accommodate Harrison Fords injured/missing toe. (They can't find it) A crew member asked Chewtbacca what happened to the missing toe, but he couldn't talk because he had his mouth full at the time. (Hmmmm Chewy' )

Update Aug.2014 Having been seen on the red carpet of the "Expandables 3" (Featuring the third installment of the all-star cast of aging overweight action movie actors) Harrison Ford appeared well medicated. Now, Harrison Ford has returned to the Star Wars 7 set this last week of August, after recovering from the June 12th injury. When the rest of the Star Wars 7 cast learned that Ford had returned to the set, they realized that they should return to the set as well. With all of the cast (except JJ Abrams) back on the set of Star Wars 7 in England, George Lucas was there threatening to restart filming since Abrams was "AWOL". An exasperated JJ Abrams arrived the next day declaring "I just can't teleport myself to the set, this is Star Wars!" as he clutched a giant clipboard in his hands. Lucas was escorted off of the set by several large blokes, and thrown into the Thames River.

Star Wars 7 Production Leaker Wants to be identified as "Reggie Wedgie"!

The inside informant who has informed on a number of Star Wars 7 spoilers, and information to date, now wants to be identified with the unusual moniker "Reggie Wedgie". According to Reggie (who hides beneath a cloak of burlap under piles of twigs in the English forest, on his contact days) says that it's a matter of principle. "Anonymous, is so generic, and impersonal. It could be any nib gnarled bloke with a tandy boon keister, rippin' fish n' chips from a Gimble Nave". Wedgie continued "Anonymous quotes are not magical fairies to be pulled out of the air by invisible leprechauns!" When asked the reason he chose the particular name "Reggie Wedgie", the twig covered informant said "Do you mind movin'? Yer standin' on me ' and mate".

Harrison Ford, a diva?

With Harrison Fords return to the SW7 set, the star power of his professional success, and his eccentric peccadilloes, are all now coming into focus. According to SW7 informant "Reggie Wedgie", Carrie Fisher seems most upset. "Harrison is the diva that Carrie wishes she could be" Reggie explains "Oh sure, she's a major pain and all, but she doesn't carry the weight tha...I mean she'e got weight, but not the gravitas & success that Harrison has". According to Reggie, Fisher blew-up when she first saw Harrisons trailer in the parking lot. "Did you see that thing out there!? No!?" Carrier yelled "Just imagine Big Ben laying down with wheels on it!!" Fisher became even more annoyed when it was pointed out that what she saw was only his mobile Harrison Ford Museum. "What!? Then where's his regular trailer?" That's when she was told by JJ Abrams "You're standing in it Carrie, this isn't the sound stage. That's around on the other side. Oh, and shut the door on the way out, you're letting flies in here." Wedgie said that Abrams didn't tell Ford of Fishers uncouth behavior at his trailer, not only to insure there would be good chemistry between the actor and actress, but also so Harrison wouldn't throw a hissy fit.

Is Mark Hamill off his crumpet?

Reports from the set were that Mark Hamill was heard yelling at the top of his lungs "This is STUPID!!! It's all about his stupid toe!!!" as a read thru of the newly rewritten script was going on beneath the Abrams cone of silence. Then, in a sick attempt to gain attention, and a more prominent role in Star Wars 7, Mark Hamill has been walking around the movie set telling people that his arm was cut off while eating crumpets at an English tea house this morning. Hamill, who sported a long sleeve shirt, with the left sleeve knotted halfway down said "A knife slipped on the butter and whooosh! A r m gone!!" When it was pointed out to him that he had his arm down behind his back under his shirt he only retorted "No I don't! It's gone!"

Update Sept.2014 According to "Reggie Wedgie" inside informant(See Star Wars 7 Production Leaker), Mark Hamill had held out from agreeing to do Star Wars 7, unless certain plot concessions were guaranteed. According to Wedgie, Mark felt there had been some unfinished business from the original film that was never addressed in episodes 5 & 6. "Apparently this has been stuck in his craw all this time and has been festering, and eating at him all these years. He kept, whining, and whining, and.. What? Oh the power-inverters at the Tushie Station. Yeah, remember, his uncle tells him that he can "waste time with his friends later"? Well now Hamill feels like it is later, and he wants to waste some time with his friends, and pick-up some power-inverters". Reggie, went on to reveal that Luke Skywatcher is basically going to be depicted on a kind of "Road Trip" buddy movie thing as a parallel plot line in the film. "Yeah, him and his friends laughing it up, acting silly - like, what happens in Tushie, stays in Tushie, wait..that didn't sound right". When Hamill was asked outside of a London nightclub if the info. was true he quipped "Did you hear about my left arm? Whoosh! Right off!! It was a butter knife!" as he stepped into a short limousine and was whisked away.

Mark Hamill claims The Farce restored his arm after encounter with the ghost of Martin Landau

Mark Hamill is once again pushing the crumpet meter, with his claim that The Farce restored his left arm after a night time encounter with the ghost of Martin Landau. Hamill, who really believes in The Farce, says he is a Jeti and "knows better then you". According to "Reggie Wedgie" our SW7 informant "Mark really believes he is a Jeti and can use The Farce as a result". Reggie said "According to Mark, The Farce is like Opie Wan said "The Farce surrounds us, it points its finger and laughs at us, it pulls the chair away as we begin to sit down and mocks us, etc,etc, you know". And the ghost of Martin Landau? "Mark knows that Space 1999 was made there at Pinewood Derby Studios in the '70s, and said he encountered his ghost walking the sound stage the other night. JJ Abrams keeps telling everyone to just go along with it, you know the arm thing? Now Abrams is just glad to see Mark is using his left arm again". Isn't Martin Landau still alive? "Yes, that's just it, he's on the board of directors at the studio, so it's possible Mark saw him. JJ Abrams saw Martin the other day, and said he did look rather pale. Anyway, JJ said not to tell Mark that Martin Landau isn't dead, and to just go along with any "kooky" thing that Mark says. JJ lets Mark call him Michael, because Hamill thinks JJ is Michael Bay. Whenever Mark does his Jeti act, JJ does a lot of eye rolling". It sounds like JJ Abrams doesn't want to rock the boat, so to speak." Yeah, he already had Carrie Fisher flip out *, and Jim Carrey *, so it's understandable". So what did Mark say happened when he saw the ghost of Martin Landau? "Mark said he appeared and said "I'm your Father Luke" and "Use The Farce Luke", and laughed".What did Mark do? "He said he gave the ghost a Slim Jim, looked down and noticed that his arm was restored, and when he looked up Martin Landau had disappeared, leaving behind only an empty Slim Jim wrapper on the floor". May The Farce be with you!

• (see Royal Dust-Up! Queen Elizabeth Gobsmacked! Carrier Fisher Tased & Arrested while on Palace tour!)
  • (see Jim Carrey rushed to London Hospital, was found "acting funny")

Production scuttlebutt

Fans are encouraged that according to Producers, the special effects in Star Wars 7 are going to be less CG, and more actual locations and props and creatures, as they were in the original film. "The audience wants to see things that are really there, not things that aren't really there, because things that are really there, are really there, and not, not there, but are there, really, real like, there it is! Bam!!! " carped Kathleen Kennedy of Lucasfilm. Overhearing her remarks Harrison Ford chimed in "Yeah, that spaceship really, really fell down right on top of me...wait, why aren't we using CG again?"

Production problems related to this new, old vision of movie magic have caused a near uprising in the modelshop that is tasked to build all of the model spaceships for Star Wars 7. "In the '70s there were a lot of model kits available to scavenge parts from, the selection now is really limited" Said modelmaker Skip D. Anchovi, "They loaded the effects shop with hundreds of plastic model kits, but on closer inspection, there are hundreds of the same 5 models to choose from - Ford Fiesta, Ford Mustang, Toyota Prius, Optimus Prime, and The Wankel Rotary Engine model. It's ridiculous." Workers are searching English toy shops for any other models they can find, but some minor changes in the appearance of the iconic spaceships, does sound to be a virtual certainty given the selection of model kits that are available in England. Tension seems to be building as production deadlines creep ever closer."We sent everyone out, and look what they bring me. Hadrian's Wall models?! Buckingham Palace?! Big Ben?! And a hundred Beemer models?!! Beemers!! Oh, here comes Sith Sithy flying his scary, snobby, Beemer Ship!! Look who's better then you!!!" (Handlers took Skip away into an adjoining break area and chloroformed him briefly to bring down his blood pressure) Another worker in the modelshop took over, motioning to another area of the shop.

" Look here's a finished ship we made. It kinda looks like a TIE Fighter... in a Ford Fiesta kinda way" The problem was quickly resolved when Skips 8 yr old son "Hold" showed him a website full of Star Wars models that they can buy and assemble with relative ease. (Skips new job is Key Grip Coffee Assistant)

Is the pressure too much for J.J. Abrams? He releases a short clip of Millennium Vulcan, with Batman's alarm clock molded into underside for no apparent reason. Some think, George Lucas is to blame. Some think it is a cry for help!

A surprise release by J.J. Abrams showing the Millennium Vulcan prop with Batman's alarm clock molded into a bottom well, is raising questions such as is the pressure too much for J.J. Abrams, and is this a cry for help? According to "Reggie Wedgie", inside SW7 informant, this is what he saw happen. "JJ said that he wanted to do something "fun" like this, and asked us what is Batmans most important crime fighting weapon. We said "Bat Boomerang, or Bat Bazooka, or Bat Flame Thrower" and he was shaking his head and said that if Batman doesn't wake up, then he can't fight crime, so it's his alarm clock that is most important. Shia Labeouf got excited, and said that Batman's door knob is second most important, because he can't fight crime if he couldn't get out of his bedroom. And I don't know what the others were thinking, but I was like - What does this have to do with making Star Wars 7?" It may be that he is trying to emulate what George Lucas started. Before George Lucas made Star Wars, he made the iconic 50's nostagia movie "American Giraffee" where in one scene George Lucas forced a young Ron Howard to eat raw rats in a cryptic attempt to hint at The Star War, "raw rats" spelled backwards. Unfortunately, the symbolism went completely over the heads of the audience, Ron Howard was sick for several days, and the film critics found the scene unusually disturbing and disgusting, although, George Lucas still laughs whenever he sees the scene replayed. Ron Howard was so traumatized by the scene, that later in his life he became obsessed with backwards/forwards anagrams, as they are called, that he obsessively went on to direct the movie "The Davinci Cod". That movie supposed that Leonardo Davinci while painting "The Last Supper" painted a cod fish on a plate that looks suspiciously like an upside-down Bugs Bunny, and cod backwards is doc, as in "What's up doc?" The significance of the work was lost on the audience, and the movie floundered. It was several years later. that Ron Howard discovered that "Seafood" backwards spells "Doofaes", and because of this anagram, he knew he should have never made the movie in the first place. According to Reggie "So anyway, when he told us about filming a clip with Batmans alarm clock on the bottom of the Millennium Vulcan, we were saying what if people don't know it's Batmans. A lot of people have alarm clocks, shouldn't it be something more obvious? And JJ Abrams just sneered at us and said "Oh what? Something more obvious?! Maybe we should just mold a little tiny Bat Mobile on the bottom!! That would be so stupid!!" Maybe the pressure is too much.

Unsubstantiated Script Plot - Rumors, Leaks, Or Balderdash?

“There is absolutely no reliable proof of any script/plot information.”

~ The script writers

SPOILER ALERT!!! Or Not. The new plot line is that when Luke Skywatcher had his hand cut off by Dark Daddy's lightsaber in Star Wars 6, the severed hand was secretly recovered and put on ice for thirty years. Then Princess Layza had it attached to Hans (Harrison Ford) foot after an Imperial Walker steps on Hans foot in the heart pounding opening scene of the movie. One of Han's toes (The Big One) is then recovered by Sith Sithy, arch enemy of the Republic, who has it attached to his face (due to his nose being injured in a dangerous game of "Got Yur Nose" with a Vertillian Snerff Rat) Then, in an act of outright defiance, Sith Sithy yells at Han Toelow "I thumb my nose at you! Uh, I thumb my toe nose, with my thumb, and your toe as my nose! Right at you buddy!!!!!" (echo) (Camera direction - pan back to lens flared, twisted, alien landscape)

Shia Labeouf surprisingly cast to play Sith Sithy in Star Wars 7

Shia Labeouf has been confirmed to be cast as villian Sith Sithy in SW7, according to inside informant "Reggie Wedgie". "It does seem to be a surprising choice given his dodgy behavior recently", said Reggie "All the red tops have reported his squiffy behavior, mardy attitude, the kerfuffles, and punch-ups, so it seems like a daft choice. A clanger really". Reggie said the day he arrived was memorable "He showed up late, rat arsed, spewing codswallop out 'is gob, wittering on and on about how he isn't a famous person any more, and that he wants to do the part with a bag over his head". Wedgie continued "Shia doesn't want his name in the credits either, just the name "Door Knob", because he said "Door knobs are important. I'm not important" and actually I believe a door knob would be a better choice than Shia". According to Wedgie, JJ Abrams is giving into the bag over his head concept, and has re-imagined the part as a Siamese twin Sith Sithy, one head with a (scary) bag, and one without a bag, but the situation is being studied on how this can work. "JJ likes Shia in the part, so he's bending over backwards to make it work". Apparently, Shia was recently cast in a movie with Brad Pitt called "Furry" about an American tank crew that defends a nest of squirrels from Nazi occupation during World War II. During filming of that movie, Shia could function "bag-less" because he said "The whole inside of the tank was like a big metallic paper bag", and that the squirrels also gave him "courage". According to Wedgie "The drinking, and the bag thing somehow go together, so its on again, off again" He's also going to be doing two other movies after SW7, "Dudes With Guns", and "Transformers 5" and the studios involved are making entire sound stages that look like giant paper bags to film these in. "They will look like giant paper bags, with a number of squirrels scattered about for Shia". One of his recent incidents that was photographed and seen on the internet, was Shia chasing hobos in New York City Times Square, while yelling "Gimme some money, gimme some money" with a wild look in his eyes. "He should've worn a bag then" said Reggie, still shaking his head in disbelief.

Return of Jar Jar Stinks

An insider has revealed that Jar Jar Stinks will redeem himself to millions of irritated Star Wars Fans, by being a new super Jar Jar "WE felt that if given the chance, Jar Jar could win over the many angered fans. The problem we think was that he wasn't "Jar Jar" enough, so the new Jar Jar will be like "Jar Jar on steroids!". The insider continues "The problem was, that he was too serious for the genre, so we plan to silly him up to his greatest potential for Star Wars 7! And wait 'til you see what Disney spin-offs we've got in store."

"Meesa like it a lot, a lot, a lot" - Purported dialog from script (according to Reggie Wedgie)

Talks with funnyman Jim Carrey have given rise to the rumor that he will play Jar Jar, because CG has been banned from all consideration. (Except for George Lucas who keeps calling with "helpful" suggestions)

Live Action Jar Jar Stinks with Jim Carrey in costume - Concept artwork revealed

Jim Carrey rushed to London Hospital, was found "acting funny"

Sept.2014 As confirmation that Jim Carrey will play the live action Jar Jar Stinks according to Star Wars 7 inside informant "Reggie Wedgie" Harrison Ford found funnyman Jim Carrey delirious from dehydration, but thought his behavior was "part of the act". Reggie explains "So Jim Carrey had accidentally gone inside Harrison Fords cavernous trailer, and got himself lost while looking for the set. They think he was in there since August 28th, so about a week. He had his Jar Jar mask on, he was mumbling, chuckling, stumbling around, making weird noises, just like all his films. Then, Ford brought Jim Carrey out and JJ Abrams started filming a "Jar Jar goes bonkers" scene. After about 7 minutes, it sunk in that Jim Carrey is never this funny, and he was rushed to the hospital. But he was hilarious!" Wedgie said there was no word on when he will return to the set, and when, or if he will return to complete sanity.

Jim Carrey not taken seriously at hospital either

The traumatic dehydration and delirium of Jim Carrey has been compounded by the report that London Hospital staff believed that Carrey was there to entertain them, not receive medical attention, according to Star Wars 7 informant "Reggie Wedgie". "Yeah, same thing that happened at the studio, people thinking - This guy's a ham!!He's really puttin' on the madcap shtick for us!!- You see, apparently the Jar Jar mask by then had basically melted to his face from wearing it for a week, and he couldn't pull it off. The hospital staff thought that he was pretending that he couldn't pull the mask off, just goofing around ya'know. Jim was pulling on those big rubber Jar Jar ears, all stretching way out as he pulled, and Jim yelling a hoarse imperceptible scream with his mouth opening and closing like a big grouper fish. Again, hilarious stuff. Administrators, doctors, nurses, orderlies, patients, were all laughing hysterically, not knowing that Jim Carrey was having a dehydration induced psychotic episode". Reggie continues,"Since they don't know Jim Carrey in England, as well as you do in the US, it took an hour before the hospital called the studio to thank them for the performance, and that they could come and pick him up now, because he was creating a disturbance and upsetting the children at this point. It was then that things began to get sorted out, and Jim Carrey then finally received some medical treatment" When Reggie Wedgie was asked how he knew so many details about the incident, he said that he had left the studio soon after Jim Carrey left, and went to the Emergency Room to be seen for "twig inhalation". "I never did get seen by the doctor, because I was laughing so hard at Jim Carrey, I started coughing up twigs. Come to think about it, Jim Carrey may have saved me bloomin' life. If only I was able to help Jim by explaining his condition to the hospital staff, but it's jolly hard to do when yer laughing and coughing up twigs, it is. Take my word for it mate". The good news is that Jim Carrey is resting well, and is expected to make a full semi-recovery.

Casting Cloud, concealed it is

~ Yota, The Boda Bag Bear

Concerning the long list of young film stars that have been bandied about as the purported potential sons and daughters of Princess Layza, Han Toelow, and Luke Skywatcher, namely - John Boyega, Adam Driver, Domhnall Gleeson, Oscar Isaac, Daisy Ridley, Andy Serkis, and Max von Sydow. Secret inside sources have thrown this theory into the Datooine Sand Worm Of Death. They will be in Star Wars 7, but not as the offspring of the original cast (They were all sterilized from the heavy reactor water that seeped into the Death Globes trash compactor) So what parts will these new cast members play? Pilots, robots, soldiers, aliens, and other parts. The inside story is that very early on in the script reading process, the local English actors/actresses weren't working out. JJ Abrams was losing his patience with them, because they weren't reading the dialog correctly. "They can barely speak English" said Abrams, and they kept adding "Gov'na" to the end of every sentence. ("Your droids are here, Gov'na") Therefore, the entire English cast was let go, ushering in all of the new cast members listed above.

Grumpy Cat cast as Vertillian Snerff Rat in Star Wars 7 causing controversy!

The casting of viral video star "Grumpy Cat" is causing contention, and controversy among Star Wars fans and animal rights groups. Picketing has been called for at the studio, as social media lit up with accusations of cat abuse persist. According to Reggie Wedgie, "No one saw this coming, it's really surprising that so many people are upset. Now they've doubled security, and there are real concerns of Grumpy Cat terror attacks on the studio". Several demonstrators managed to get inside, and were seen being chased out by actor Shia Labeouf yelling "I'm not me!" with a wild look in his eyes. The protesters contend that "Grumpy Cat" was the result of a cruel upbringing to purposefully create a sad cat. Rumors of systematic, habitual, disappointing of Grumpy Cat persist. Some charge that Grumpy Cat is given a plate of crab meat and shrimp, and then has it quickly taken away, right as he is about to eat it. Also, it is charged that all bells, feathers, squeakers, and cat nip are removed from his toys to cause further cat disappointment for that maximum depressed grumpy cat expression. "I'm more surprised that they chose a cat to play a rat. Everyone seems to have a different opinion with this choice. Animal rights people say it's cruel, cats think he's selling out by playing a rat, the rats think the part should go to a rat, George Lucas said make him CG, the puppeteers say make him a puppet, and Shia Labeouf thinks he should wear a tiny paper bag over his head". Authorities are concerned, and have heard "chatter" from what they believe is called "The Grumpy Cat Liberation Army", as the controversy heats up.

007 actor Daniel Craig "pouts" his way into Star Wars 7

James Bond actor Daniel Craig wanted to be in Star Wars 7 so bad that he basically stalked Director JJ Abrams and "pouted" his way into the movie, according to insider informant "Reggie Wedgie". "Daniel has those pouty, poochy lips, that he likes to pooch-out on screen, you know, the male model, Daniel Craig 007 look? But JJ thought they would be a distraction".Explained Reggie "Plus, Harrison Ford is the leading man really, and JJ didn't want to turn Star Wars 7 into a lip-pooching competition, so initially he turned Daniel Craig down". And then the persistent Daniel Craig began "showing up" at different places for JJ Abrams to see him pouting? "Yes" said Wedgie "JJ would be at the restaurant, and there outside the window would be Daniel Craig giving him the big sad puppy eyes, with his bottom lip pooched way out, just a-quivering away pathetically". Then it just continued? "Yes, everywhere that JJ went he would see Daniel Craig, basically, pouting". According to informant Wedgie, JJ Abrams finally confronted Daniels at the bakery, and told him that maybe he could be in SW7, if he could hide his poochy lips."So they had a meeting at the studio, and Daniel Craig said that he will have a costume made with his head covered, but that he still wanted to do a scene with his shirt off, dripping with water, or sweat,or blood, or alien slime, but with his poochy lips obscured. Also, he agreed to wear a dust mask around the set so that all of the other actors aren't provoked into a lip-pooching competition".

Pope Francis, just one of the latest Star Wars 7 cameo "party crashers" to annoy JJ Abrams

Having a cameo appearance in SW7 is all the rage right now, and JJ Abrams is getting annoyed with all of the entitled "goobers" descending on the set. It started with 007's Daniel Craig, and was quickly followed by Robert Downey Jr., Samuel L. Jackson (who previously played Jeti Master Mace Windex), Mark Ruffalo, Greg Gunberg, Hugh Jackson, and Nick Frost. Now, a virtual avalanche of celebrities have descended upon Pine Wood Derby Studios, all claiming to have been invited. According to inside informant "Reggie Wedgie". "Snoop Lion (formerly Snoop Dog & Snoop Cat) said that JJ Abrams invited him telepathically to the Star-schizzel while he was smoking a joint-tizzle, on his bed-dizzle. And who knows, maybe he did. But celebrities are showing up left and right, it's as if the Academy red carpet runs right through the Star Wars 7 sound-stage". As the laundry list of cameo appearance celebrities grows, the actual plot is beginning to suffer, as multiple needless scenes are filmed for pointless "face time" moments. According to Reggie "This cameo-mania for celebrities to be seen in Star Wars 7, is the equivalent of the obnoxious selfie photo". The rage has fueled even more celebrities to make the SW7 pilgrimage to England, and is beginning to cause traffic problems around the studio. As the masses of celebrities continued to descend upon the studio, a helicopter landed on the studio helipad, and out walked Pope Francis for his cameo. "This isn't happening!" was the exclamation of JJ Abrams according to insider Wedgie "JJ is tearing his hair out in frustration over all this nonsense, and is way behind in the filming schedule". And what will the Pope do? "The pope will be Admiral- "It's a trap!"- Awkward, and yes he will wear the rubber fish head, and the uniform". On top of this cameo, is the news that the British royal family has also gotten SW7 fever. Says Reggie Wedgie "Prince Charles wants to be a nameless village idiot, on a ridiculously windy planet, for some reason. Prince Harry will be a "floaty car" salesman. Prince William will play a galatic senator with his wife Kate Middleton the Duchess of Cambridge, and their little baby-The future King Of England- Prince George, will play a space slug that has attached itself to the underside of the Millennium Vulcan.'Word is that Luke will cut the space slug off with his light sword, but don't be worried Great Britain, they plan to use a "stunt baby" in place of little Prince George for that scene". Reggie said that all of the added cameo footage is lengthening the run time for SW7 so much that JJ Abrams was heard yelling from the editing room "Who do you people think I am!...Peter Jackson!?". Reggie continues "I left the studio a little early today for a doctor appointment, and when I was leaving the set I did see Queen Elizabeth, England Prime Minister David Cameron, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, and The Prince of Brunei all putting on space maggot costumes. Apparently, the selection of dramatic parts are down to nothing now, or they've exhausted making up any more parts out of thin air ".

Jim Carrey Returns to SW7 set following stint at London Hospital

Jim Carrey was discharged from London Hospital after Dr. Wilkinson Blades declared "I guess he's O.K.", and Jim Carrey was transported back to Pinewood Derby Studio for his portrayal of Jar Jar Stinks in Star Wars 7. Carrey, who said he was feeling "lovely", had fallen victim to dehydration induced psychosis following an improbable set of unfortunate events last week. According to SW7 informant Reggie Wedgie, "Jim Carrey is back and very excited about Grumpy Cat, but not so much with Shia Labeouf" There was one awkward moment said Reggie when "Jim Carrey told Shia and everyone that the cat should be named Door Knob, and Shia should be named Grumpy Cat. Everybody laughed, but Shia, so Jim Carrey pulled his eyelids way out and said in a high pitched voice "Just Kidding!", making Shia laugh" There had been some concern that Jim Carrey may not have totally recovered, but then the questions were raised, asking "How can you tell?" and "Based on what?". As Reggie explains "Jim acts goofy all the time, it's how this happened in the first place, so who knows. I asked him how it felt to be back and he went right into his Jar Jar character saying Meesa like it! A lot, a lot, a lot!! It sounds like Jar Jar is back, baby!!" Wedgie said, pumping his fist in the air victoriously.

Star Wars 7 production halted - English crew protest over raspberry iced tea

After dressing up like "Sand People", British production crews walked off the set of Star Wars 7 in protest of JJ Abrams only providing american raspberry iced tea. The protest turned into a ten mile march, where the tea was thrown into the Thames River in what is now being called "The Pinewood Derby Tea Party". JJ Abrams was left scratching his head, after complaints from the British crew persisted, and Abrams told them "then don't drink it". As crew members streamed out of the studio gates, a large number of confused Grumpy Cat protesters followed right in behind the procession of costumed crew members, adding to the spectacle. When questioned what all the fuss was about, crew members yelled " Raspberry Tea! It's not proper tea, is it?! You can't make tea from raspberries! It's an abomination, it is!" Along the ten mile route chants of "Earl Grey! Earl Grey! Makes it right! Everyday!" were shouted as well as the chant "You can't say British without the Tea" but made little sense because they pronounced it "Bri-ish" as always, losing the impact of the clever chant. After the tea was dumped in the Thames River, no arrests were made, but now it appears that the river is polluted beyond belief as hundreds of dead raspberry flavored fish rose to the surface of the famous river. Late in the afternoon, English bobbies did question one nearby restaurant owner after it was learned that he added Raspberry Fish & Chips to the menu, but it is believed to be a complete coincidence.

Advanced Star Wars 7 weapon system destroys kids hobby drone over former British Air Base & burns hole in moon

The new gear developed for Star Wars 7 was put to the test yesterday when a hobby drone flown by several 12 year olds strayed into Abrams air space and was instantly destroyed. The incident happened at a former British Air Base in the area known as Green Egg Commons, where a Star Wars 7 set was being used several miles from the studio. Reports are that the Directed Energy Plasma Cannon developed at the behest of Kathleen Kennedy of Lucasfilm, shot straight threw the drone, vaporizing it, and "burned a hole in the moon", that happened to be directly behind the drone. "The man in the moon has a cleft chin now, looks like Kirk Douglas, he does" Said SW7 informant Reggie Wedgie "I was there when it happened, and it almost gave me a heart attack! That thing flew over, and in less then two seconds that turret spun around and destroyed it! "When asked what the projectile looked like Wedgie said "Flaming green lava of death". The weapon was the result of hardware developed to give a real feel to Star Wars 7, as was the promise of Kathleen Kennedy of Lucasfilm. "Yeah, she was pushing for real stuff, not CG (computer graphics), because things that are really there, are really there, not, not there, as she would always say, over and over again". The UN happened to be in session when the report of the moon being hit was reported, and the incident was denounced by the world body, until Disney called and threatened to buy the world and turn it into a theme park. A resolution was passed saying "Well, don't do it again". On social media a short video clip was uploaded of Jim Carrey speaking in a mock Austrian accent "The moon was jus' Col-lat-er-al Dam-age". According to Reggie Wedgie, JJ Abrams remarked " We use a lot of putty around the set, that's a simple patch job. We have lots of putty". The twelve year olds were later seen being talked to by women thought to be members of the Grumpy Cat Liberation Army, for possible recruitment it is believed.

Death Globe Battle Station to return as Mega Death Globe

There has been unconfirmed insider information that the Mega Death Globe (New & Improved Death Globe) will make an appearance in Star Wars 7, to what extent is still unclear. Reports are that it is suppose to be much bigger then the original, and "flashes".

"Ooops" - J J Abrams

John Williams To Score Star Wars 7, Not the same John Williams

The sweeping Star Wars music by composer John Williams, who has scored all six of the prior Star Wars films, appears to be a thing of the past according to unnamed inside sources. Problems continue to cascade in production, in what some are calling an embarrassing mistake made by JJ Abrams. In the flurry of legal paperwork that was flooding over his desk, he accidentally signed a film score contract for Star Wars 7, with a different John Williams. The contract is binding, and cannot be reversed, according to sources. The screw up is now going to be marketed as taking a bold new step in the direction of the Star Wars 7 soundtrack. "I meant to do it" asserted JJ Abrams who was seen sweating profusely. The John Williams that Abrams contracted with is the leader of a small polka band ensemble, who are known for their limited success on the Sausage Circuit, as well as their hit song "I Polka Your Eye" that made "Americas Top 100" reaching number 98 for three whole weeks in 1982.

Crew Told To Lie to Carrie Fisher?

"Does this crown make me look fat?" ~ Carrie Fisher

The answer is no, always, according to informant "Reggie Wedgie". Carrie Fisher has the whole Star Wars 7 crew walking on egg shells around the set, following several incidents that began by JJ Abrams introducing Fisher to her stunt double. "That's not my double. I'm not that big!" An awkward JJ Abrams, quickly said " No, I didn't say your stunt double, I said Thors stunt double. Yeah, a woman, weird huh?" The fact that she was dressed exactly like Fisher as Queen Layza, tipped Fisher off that Abrams thinks she's fat. It didn't help when a clueless Mark Hamill walked onto the sound stage and yelled across the set "Hey Carrie! Did ya see your stunt double!? She looks just like you!" Abrams had a crew meeting while Fisher was out, and ordered everyone to lie to Fisher about her weight. According to informant Wedgie, Abrams told them "I don't care if you think she looks like a Beluga whale the day after Thanksgiving! I don't care if she looks like a pregnant elephant eating donuts from a feed bag!! You are not to say that Carrie Fisher looks fat!" After Abrams made a phone call to Disney (who also own Marvel Comics), it was announced that the new Thor would be a woman. "It ain't a coincidence, JJ's got power, he's stickin' to the "Thor" story so that he can hold Fisher together for filming. You can thank JJ for Thors sex change!" said informant "Reggie Wedgie" gleefully.

Salad Only rule for SW7 crew/cast

Carrie Fisher is now on a self imposed "salad only" diet, however, JJ Abrams has directed everyone involved to only eat salads also...in front of Carrie Fisher that is. According to SW7 insider "Reggie Wedgie", Abrams wants Fisher to think that everyone's eating salad, so that she will stay the course, but it is in fact a ruse. "Guys keep goin' into the Millennium Vulcan set to sneaky eat Slim Jims and Twinkies in the engine room. Carrie has no clue" said Wedgie. And after several days, things appear calmer on the set, and JJ Abrams and Carrie Fisher are getting along "swimmingly" according to Reggie. "Yes, I said it - Swimmingly".

Royal Dust-Up! Queen Elizabeth Gobsmacked! Carrier Fisher Tased & Arrested while on Palace tour!

Just when all was going well with Carrie Fisher, Star Wars 7 informant "Reggie Wedgie" reported about a "dust-up" that occurred at Buckingham Palace during a private Star Wars 7 cast & crew only tour that escalated into a potential international incident. As told by Reggie "You see, we was all together lookin' around the palace, when all of a sudden several MI5, or MI6 guys started talking into their coat sleeves, and rushing down the stairwells. Apparently, Carrie had gotten herself into a bit of trouble". According to Wedgie, Carrie had become separated from the group and found the royal kitchen, although Carrie denies it. When a stunned JJ Abrams was shown security video that shows a woman in the kitchen stuffing dozens of scones into her mouth, Carrie Fisher yelled "That's not me! That's that stunt double of yours! You know the one Mark! She looks just like me!!" As she took a swing at a baffled Mark Hamill who said "What did I do?!?" That's when Fisher and security got into a scuffle, where she at one point had got a hold of one of their pistols briefly, but in the end was shot with a taser, handcuffed, and arrested. Luckily for Fisher, JJ Abrams patched things up according to Reggie "Once again, JJ Abrams got things patched up, she was released, and all of the charges have been dropped. How? JJ made another phone call to Disney, and they called the Prime Minister who relented" Reggie continues "Abrams was laughing about it later, bragging that they threatened to buy Stonehenge, and build a theme park on top of it! Nice play JJ, nice play, jolly good! Pip pip, Heave Ho! Jolly Good! Good Show! Gov'na!!" {Reggie Wedgie appears to be suffering from stress, worried that MI5 or 6, may try to find and kill him for reporting this incident. Reggie has since gone into hiding, under a deeper pile of twigs)

Robot Spoiler!!! Surprising Development! RU-D2 to be given long legs in Star Wars 7!

No more roly poly roving for RU-D2! The futuristic technology on display in Star Wars 7 means a new set of bi-ped legs to walk around on. "Remember,this is Star Wars in the future from the other films. For RU-D2 this means no more dragging his bum around in the sand" Said SW7 informant "Reggie Wedgie". "So, it's a new technology now, the rubbish can robot thing makes no sense at this point. JJ Abrams told George Lucas about it, and George started crying. I think he was touched with emotion for the thoughtful upgrade to his beloved robot. And these legs are not metal like C3PU, they're long beautiful showgirl type fleshy legs, so it ought to be really different". When asked through the cloak of burlap and twigs if RU-D2 would get an English speaking vocal/talking synthesizer, instead of just beeps and squeals "Reggie" said "What!?! And ruin RU-D2!?! No way mate!!!"

Lindsey Lohan will play "Hot Legs" RU-D2! Kenny Baker canned!

There is a major disturbance in The Farce. Kenny Baker the long time pint sized actor inside of RU-D2, was canned today and replaced with "mean girl" Lindsey Lohan in a surprise move today by JJ Abrams. The action comes after the recent announcement that RU-D2 would be "upgraded" due to the story being 40 yrs in the future from the last episode. According to SW7 informant Reggie Wedgie, "No one saw this coming. The long legs announcement just meant to us that Kenny Baker would be inside RU-D2 atop of long legs, not be replaced by some tart". Said an astonished Reggie "Now we find out, that JJ Abrams had them cut two holes in RU-D2 for Lindey Lohan to stick her legs through" According to Reggie, the first try for Lindsey was frightful. "Lindsey Lohan stuck her legs out the bottom of RU-D2, and it looked almost like Chewtbacca had stuck his legs through! Unshaven, hairy tarantula legs! Lindsey had forgotten to shave her legs! Unbelievable!" But things looked better later "After a lot of wax, a lot of screaming, and crying, her legs were stripped of their fur". Wedgie said "I got a look at those wax strips later, and their was enough hair on them to make a sweater with mate! " Reggie also over heard Mark Hamil say "I've got a bad feeling about this".

Character Spoilers as film ramps up, revelations coming daily!

Spoiler Alert! As filming of Star Wars 7 begins full steam ahead, the characters are being brought out for the cameras on the set, and new revelations are coming to light. "JJ Abrams holds his playing cards close to his chest, and you never see the entire hand until the last day of filming happens". Said SW7 anonymous informant "Reggie Wedgie" "Even I don't have access to all the rooms at the studio, so expect more reveals for the next 12 months or so". Among the latest character revelations following the RU-D2 "Hot Legs" news, is the confirmation of the leak involving Yota - The Boda Bag Bear (The Bear with the beverage). "Casting Cloud, concealed it is" is a famous line as well as when Luke tells Yota that he doesn't feel thirsty yet, Yota speaks the chilling lines "You will be thirsty...You will be thirsty" And who could forget "Fear leads to thirst, thirst leads to dry mouth, and dry mouth leads to tooth decay" But didn't Yota die and disappear in the last film? "Reggie Wedgie" explains "We thought Yota died and disappeared, and so does Luke, but it was only a hallucination that Luke was having from eating more of Yotas nasty swamp stew. Yota only fell asleep". And the part he'll play in SW7? "Well we already know that Yota is the Jeti Master of Refreshment, the Keeper of the Koolaid, The Wetter of The Whistle, thwarting thirst wherever he finds it. Realizing he now feels empty inside, Yota of Soda, will return to the Sea of Soda to purge the lumpy swamp water that's been clogging his nozzle, and be refilled with delicious refreshment". And will SW7 explain how a character can have a nozzle coming out of the top of his head, offering himself as refreshment, and that he carries around a reserve of beverage in his body? "This has always been the mysterious thing about Yota, the Boda Bag Bear. Is it a curse, or a blessing? I'm getting thirsty just thinking about it. Come back in four hours, I need to go to the pub now mate". (After 4 hours, we return to the English forest for the rest of the revelations at "Reggie's" twig pit) "That's better, now where were we? Oh, the other surprise is...put yer seatbelt on mate...the return of Baba Fatt!!

That's right, I said it, "The Return Of Baba Fatt!!!"

"Reggie Wedgie" SW7 informant confirms the return of Baba Fatt, perhaps the most shocking reveal yet, because he too is believed to have died in an earlier episode. "The last we remember of The Rotund Rocket-man, Baba Fatt, is that he was a klum-tumbling into the open mouth of the Datooine Sandworm of Death during a skirmish. So what looks like a certain death is never confirmed. The fans took a liking to "The Little Fat Firecracker", for some bloody reason, and so the writers made sure he lived". So how did he survive? "After he gets swallowed by the worm, Baba opens up a can of "Whoop-ass" and punches the inside stomach of the beast so hard that it pukes him right out, and into the script of Star Wars 7".

Does this mean that The Datooine Sandworm of Death will return also? "Not for very long, because the story is that after Baba Fatt is projectile vomited from the worm, the worm comes down with Strep throat and dies".

So then what happens to Baba Fatt after we learn that he's alive? "Really, I 'm not sure yet. As a matter of fact, I'm beginning to think that JJ Abrams doesn't know either. And he just acts like he has all of these "secrets", but he is really just making up the story as he goes along". Really? "Yeah, I'm beginning to think that Star Wars 7 is just a big "set-up" for Star Wars 8. Nothing but a big commercial for Star Wars 8. This is, just a big teaser reel for Star Wars 8! I'm pretty sure mate".

See also

• Thunderbirds
• TIE fighter
• Toes