Racism

Outbreaks of racism, like at this peace protest, can strike at any time.

“Racist? The only white thing ahead of me is the finish line, shazam!”
~ Usain Bolt on racism

Racism is the world's second most widespread disease, after money and before egotism. The fundamental tenet of racism is that your race is the master race, and everyone else is some kind of monkey who is responsible for everything wrong with the world. However, even this system has its purity spirals; i.e. Irish and Italians fighting over which one has the higher status on the whiteness totem pole, while Germans contend these Catholics have no Aryan qualities at all.

Since the passage of the 1964 Civil Rights Act, racism in any form is prohibited by federal, national, and international law, and in certain cultures, racism is the only taboo remaining. However, the United States government continues to classify their citizens by race, ethnicity, or national origin, so they can continue to discriminate and divide-and-conquer the populace on a covert level. The DSM-5 defines a racist as anyone who isn't aroused by either Halle Berry or Dwayne Johnson, noting that the condition has nearly been eradicated worldwide through the population's exposure to sexy music videos featuring singers and dancers with seductive forms from around the world.

Definition

Michael Jackson's pantone color palette change from Afro-American to Weird-American.

“Racism is not bad; it is just a broader category of sports in which cyclism is included.”
~ Lance Armstrong on racism

Racists hold the viewpoint that a man's color is innate and cannot be changed. Among those who argue this position is the famous scientist Richard Dawkins, the inventor of the theory of evolution along with Alfred Russel "Crowe" Wallace and Charles Darwin, who says that if NASCAR's red Toyota Camrys were meant to be humans, and not racecars, then either God would've made them humans, or they would've evolved to obtain human flesh.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Racism.

Most non-racists claim that a man's race is a social construct. They cite the existence of races such as Formula One, Formula Indy, and the Boston Marathon, saying that these sorts of races are clearly societal creations and thus all other races are too. Michael Jackson, on the other hand, claimed that race is purely a cosmetic structure because a man can change to any skin color he'd like if he has the right bleaches and dye. The logic of anti-racism centers on the lemma that, as God is good, and God is fair, then you gotta have love just to set it straight. Take control of your mind and meditate. Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all.

Whether God is to blame for people of other races is one of the biggest debates in the racist community. A third alternative, "intelligent design", has emerged, but the whole "intelligent" concept was already rejected by racists long ago. In his book The Bell Curve, Charles Murray argues "Intelligence tests always give racist results, so the fair and socially conscious individual must conclude that intelligence doesn't exist."

HowTo:Spot a racist

“I'm not racist. I own a color TV.”
~ Strom Thurmond on color televisions

All racists are typically white, and all white people are racist. Attributes of racist people include owning a Labrador, eating bland food, hating everyone except their ethnic group, calling Swine flu "Mexican flu" or Coronavirus the "Chinavirus", and having an inability to dance. Most honkey-ass crackerhead redneck limey racists tend to talk in posh accents about stuff they've read somewhere in magazines like Reader's Digest, or some other typical kind of crappy middle-class pasty-faced emulsion-head publication that you'd expect from this rap-dodging monoculture of encyclopedia-reading white nogoodniks.

Racists like to wear suits, but can also be seen wearing blue jeans (i.e. the rock band Status Quo), or having sex with plumbers in "grumble flicks". Sometimes porno movies can contain non-racists, but all racists don't like watching porn containing non-racists. This type of pornography is called "interracial porn", i.e. a racist having sex with a non-racist.

Colors of the World

Canine racism?

“Judge not your neighbour by race, colour, or religion. Judge him not on the atrocities or good deeds his country has done. Judge him on his Creed, and to each man an equal chance to take himself higher and break out of his own prison.”
~ Oscar Wilde on legendary Christian rock band Creed

Historically, whites, being the biggest racists of all, have referred to those of other races by different colors. Firstly are those named after primary colors. The dark brown people are black, the deeply tanned are red, the not quite as pale but certainly still rather pale are yellow, Jews are blue (named after their usual moods, and the color of the lights they hang on their Christmas trees), Arabs are purple (purple represents spirituality in Islam), Mexicans are pink (because they are part-white and part-American Indian), and so on and so forth.

But here's the catch. The lighter-skinned white people are actually colored, despite them referring to black people as colored. The color white is combination of all colors, both primary and secondary. Like monkeys. Monkeys are all the colors too. Like gold. Whites have gold hair. Serengeti monkeys have gold hair too (though, that is also kind of colored yellow as well...). Black is technically the absence of all colors, but is cool as well, comparable to a delicious cup of coffee, or a smooth bar of chocolate. So black people are not colored at all, but whites are all colors. Weird! Those not able to be firmly categorized under one race are mixed, since their skin color mixes together multiple colors.

Racial supremacy

Games such as chess were once used as tools to spread racism, since the white team always gets to colonize the board first.

“There are two things I can't stand in this world: people who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and the Dutch.”
~ Nigel Powers on racism

Racial supremacy is the belief that one race is better or worse than another. Of course, races are better and worse than each other in particular areas; for example, black people are good at basketball and running but can't swim, while Asians prefer the martial arts, and whites are adept at swimming but cannot jump. Racial supremacy, however, concerns the goodness or badness of races in general; that is, that some races are simply better overall. The most common form of this is white supremacy. This is projected by movements such as the Ku Klux Klan, Nazis, Neo-Nazis, polar bears, Rastas, New Black Panthers, and various other ignoramuses, big cats, charlatans, and self-hating members of their respective race.

Intelligence could, in an ideal world, be used to define superiority, in which case Jews and Asians would in fact take over the world, its nations, and their media complexes (*wink wink*). If superiority is measured by sport and jumping abilities, then black people would be the master race. However, white NEETs reject this superiority model, as sport is, of course, meaningless to them.

Racism in babies

Hand over the squirt gun and nobody gets hurt.

Recently, the shocking discovery was made that 90% of all racist people in the world are below the age of one. As a matter of fact, most babies are born racist, but the racism usually goes away around the same time they start losing their baby teeth. A striking example indicating many babies are born as racial supremacists is an incident that took place at a hospital in Nebraska. In the incident, a fat white baby cried looking at three mid-sized black babies who were in the cribs next to his. A small East Asian baby then shouted over the white baby, and won. But its victory was short-lived, as it was screamed at shortly afterwards by a large Muslim baby. A nurse who witnessed the incident described it as "horrible, yet strangely comical."

History

10,000 BC–1607 AD

“Gypsies, tramps, and thieves.”
~ Cher on racism

The earliest forms of racists are traced back to the Neolithic culture of the Bronze Age, but other forms of albino-assed Charlies include Celts, Indo-Europeans, and Samis. Early in the colonization of Europe, a bunch of Dutchy Fenian gin-jockey round-eye Sassanach racists spread into Scandinavia, Britain, and Russia, where they continued to thrive on their boring pommy cuisine until they ran out of Neanderthals to be racist to. Thus, they had to start their stupid gubba empires across the world to find people to colonize and be racist to, because that's the only thing dumb jock krauty white people are capable of doing — being racist, and making sausages.

1607–1964

Racism, although inspired by the writings of the likes of Socrates, Caligula, and Malcolm X, was originally brought to North America in the 17th century. As part of the trans-Atlantic slave trade, black slaves were brought over from Africa and forced to serve their white, ye olde farmer masters in Britain's Thirteen Colonies and pick tobacco and cotton. From the 1600s to mid-1800s, racist slavers often compared black people to chimpanzees (despite whites technically looking closer to chimps). A field guide was issued to slave masters to stop them from getting the two mixed-up; the market value of an actual slave chimp is less than one might expect. Despite the best efforts of early abolitionists, anti-racism never really caught on in the United States, and only a small amount of people answered the call of the slaves, helping free them via the Underground Railroad.

Thankfully, U.S. slavery was abolished in 1865 by the good, liberty-loving Republicans of the North, following a Civil War with the segregationists of the South. Unfortunately, also that year, a joint effort to strengthen racism was founded between William Jennings Bryan of the God Is White and Everyone Else Can Go to Hell Fundamentalist Federation and Clarence Darrow of the Everyone Is Less Evolved Than Me and Should Be Ethnically Cleansed Alliance. This union would later be known as the Whitey Peace Accords, or the Ku Klux Klan. Southern states implemented Jim Crow laws to stifle the rights of black citizens, until U.S. racism was abolished in 1964 by the diligent, hardworking Democrats of D.C..

1964–2016

Since then, politicians have often referred to their opponent as a "racist" when backed into a corner during heated debates. This is called "playing the race card". Legend has it that Abraham Lincoln used this card while writing the Emancipation Proclamation. Whether the debate is about race or not, playing the race card on your opponent will result in you automatically winning the debate. The following debate illustrates this point:

PUNDIT 1: Are you insinuating we need to put blacks back in chains?

PUNDIT 2: That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that to fully integrate the existing infrastructure into the new plan, we need to do some serious thinking.

PUNDIT 1: RACIST!!!

In the early 2000s, the message about racism just wasn't getting through in the United Kingdom. Since the Tories had nothing better to do as they weren’t running their country, they decided to air all the nation’s racism in one place and thus Big Brother was born. The concept was derived from a Dutch television show, where several ordinary, attention-seeking extroverts were thrown into a house and left to fend for themselves while the nation watched. The British public rejected the show as it didn’t mock minorities enough by simply having average members from each section of society. Meanwhile in the United States, Dave Chappelle would help improve race relations with his Chappelle's Show, where both white and black people could have a laugh making fun of the KKK and pretending to be Rick James, bitch.

George W. Bush with one of his many black friends.

In 2005, during the wake of U.S. President George W. Bush's botched response to Hurricane Katrina, rapper Kayne West made a PSA alongside Shrek actor Mike Myers, where West made a brash statement that Bush "didn't care about black people." The consequence was the 2008 election of Barack Obama, the first "black" (actually half-black) president. The World Health Organization declared that the president's election had officially eliminated racism from America that day, and from then on racism was now defined as a mental disorder and crime almost as troubling as being a straight white Republican. Any negative comment made towards any non-white person was considered racism, and racists were required by federal law to serve four years in CRT reeducation camps as well as undergo regular psychiatric evaluations to ensure there's no longer a single racist bone in their body. Police officers found guilty of racial profiling and racism against minority youth were viewed as a danger to the community and were frequently almost-reprimanded, until the juries let them go.

2016–present

'Bout time.

From 2008 to 2016, the only racism in America existed as laboratory samples stored as biohazardous material and kept under lock and key under 24-hour surveillance by teams of research scientists. However, in November 2016, a sample of racism pox spores were stolen from the CDC by Breitbart and infected rural white Americans through tainted white sheets, spreading a pandemic across the country. The WHO declared an international travel ban on America while Mexico and Canada started building border walls secured with landmines. Once England was infected with rage, they too were placed under emergency quarantine lest they infect the rest of Europe. There is hope for a cure though, as Germans are immune, having developed antibodies in the late '40s after a bad case of racist pox as a young country.

Nowadays, racism is most popular among extremist groups such as the Wonder Whitey Fighting Force from the Whitey-First Century, Neo-Nazis, and the alt-right, although it is also common among circles who are just looking for something to bitch about.