Tin Foil Hats

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“In Soviet Russia, the hats tinfoil YOU!!!!!!!

~ Russian Proverb on who knows what

A UAV Jammer, otherwise known as a Tin Foil Hat or Aluminum Foil Deflection Beanie (AFDB) is a condom covered with aluminum foil that is fitted over the head, much like a hat. The metallic properties of the aluminum casing deflect a number of rays that cause, but are not limited to, mind reading, mind control, and failure to recognize Fox News as the eternal source of all wisdom.


In the 1960s, the intellectual revolutions occurring across the globe led to the massive spread of both thinking, and a second, less forseen effect: Mentally Transmitted Diseases. The current best protection against transmission of MTDs is to simply NOT THINK OR EXCHANGE THOUGHTS. However since young people nowadays have no shame, tin foil hats are the best defense available at the time.

Use of a tinfoil hat[edit]

A tinfoil hat is simple and easy to use. Simply mold it into a round shape, and place it on your head like a hat or yarmulke. Wear it like this before engaging in interexchanging of ideas. The prescence of the tinfoil hat should protect you from most ideas, as it will deter all but a few ideas from being expressed to you. It is absolutely critical to keep the shiny side out. Wear the tinfoil hat at all times when you could be exposed to mind control ways beamed down to earth from orbital platforms under the control of the New World Order, Barack Obama (if you're conservative), Sarah Palin (if you're liberal) and/or Dick Cheney (if you've been living in a cave). It is safe to remove your tinfoil hat if you either live in an aluminum house or trailer, or you have completely covered your residence wth (shiny side out) aluminum foil.

If you do choose to aluminize your house, ignore nay-saying neighbors and cease and desist summonses from your homeowner's association, as they are just another part of the conspiracy.

Construction of a tinfoil hat[edit]

Construction of these tools is highly complex, and is not to be attempted by anyone other than professionals. Even the tiniest hole or weak point can lead to puncture, and contamination. If you have no choice, the best way to construct a tinfoil hat is to use multiple large pieces of either tin or aluminum foil and wrap them into a large, round, and concave cap about 1.5 times larger than is needed to fit on your head. From there, press the metal until it is the proper size and shape. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES USE FABRIC, AS THIS MAY NEGATE THE EFFECTS.

Misconceptions about tinfoil hats[edit]

There are a number of things people believe about tin foil hats which are not true. Bollywood has a lot to answer for.

Fun Fact:Teaching your child how to fold paper airplanes may be fun but teaching them how to hold Tin Foil Hats can save them from the government.

Ion Funnels and Mind-Reading Chips[edit]

Ion Funnels streaming from the ESPN satellite, directed by the CIA to control your mind can be stopped by correct usage of a tinfoil hat (tfh).

If the CIA puts a mind-reading chip in your brain, a tinfoil hat will not stop it from either operating or broadcasting. It will however block all incoming signals which direct itself to the brain, and scramble outgoing broadcasts to the point where they are unusable by the CIA.

Protection against alien mind-reading[edit]

Alien technology currently outstrips our tinfoil hat systems. Besides, they do it at night. The only reason they do it is to see our sexual fantasies anyway.

If you really want to protect yourself against this kind of thing, you should line your hat with Bounty paper towels. This makes the aliens simply see continual re-runs of British porn.

See also[edit]