The Chaser's War on Everything
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| The Chaser's War on Everything | |||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Part of the War on Terra (The funny kind. Not funny like clown funny, more funny like starting fires funny.) | |||||||
 The Battle of Sydney | |||||||
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| Combatants | |||||||
| The Chaser | Everything | ||||||
| Commanders | |||||||
| Andrew Hansen, Chas Licciardello, Julian Morrow, Craig Reucassel, Chris Taylor | Everybody | ||||||
| Casualties | |||||||
| 1, 234, 673 people (and one chimp) | Everyone else | ||||||
| The Chaser's MySpace Total friends? Zillions. | |||||||
“It is certainly not a comedy”
“Overlong even by my standards”
“Much harder to sell than the Kath & Kim DVDs”
“We should have stopped this as well as Jonestown”
“Hey you lazy shits! Those quotes were all from the fucking DVD cover”
“See the thing I like about The Chaser is...”
“Before I got my job as a Chaser I was Mario in Super Mario 64”
The Chaser's War on Everything is a war that spanned from 2006 - 2007, underwent a ceasefire in 2008 and has resumed in 2009. The War involved five soldiers, all of whom were comedians. The War on Everything was cancelled by a certain group of Australian Born Communists due to an overwhelming body count and The Chaser winning far too many battles.
Beginning[edit]
| The Chaser's War on Everything |
|---|
| The Chaser's War on Anything - The Chaser's War on Nothing - The Chaser's War on Something - The Chaser's War on Everything that's Good and Holy |
The Chaser was formed as a small military faction somewhere in the southern hemisphere, which was formed 2003 to promote CNN. Now they are a full military faction suited for full-scale Armageddon. Their tactics include a range of comically adaptable gags and jokes aimed at popular culture, magazines, political spearheads, current affairs programs, crappy reporters and embarrassingly out-of-date television shows.
The Fighters[edit]
The fighters of The Chaser range from excellent musicians to bald, glasses wearing nerds. The warriors are named from popular to least popular as C1, C2, C3 etc. with "C" standing for "Chaser" and the number standing for the amount of meals they've had that month. Each one has different skills and abilities, and is available in collectable Pog form.
C1 - Andrew - Mr. Ten Questions[edit]
Andrew Hansen is well suited for war. For one thing, he has a suit. For another, he has the most amazing smile that has ever blessed television. His comedy style attacks everyone with or without a sense of humour, and breaks their hearts by saying "comedy is still very much dead" in every skit. Unfortunately, he was killed in battle in 2006. His funeral included one of his greatest songs ever, The Filler Song. "This is The Filler Song" was sung over and over to the same chord pattern, finishing with his brilliant line, "Peter Meakin, what a pisshead" to the same tune only faster. His funeral also included another of his songs, The Eulogy Song, which praised his many notable achievements, such as writing lots of strange songs.
C2 - Charles - The Communist - Tank Driver, Man with the Ladder[edit]
Charles Firth is now living in America on a special mission for the War on Everything. He stars in his own special segment called "Firth in the USA". He specializes in walking around annoying pedestrians and proving controversial issues either true or false, most of the time both. The US Government enjoys using his skills for war, and even though part of the War on Everything, his alter ego Seth Green is also involved in the Robot Chicken War. How he got into this he doesn't know. He doesn't even know which ridiculous haircut to wear in the morning. Nonetheless, his notable achievements include destroying the Death Star and telling off George W. Bush when he commented that the War on Everything was "Not as cool as the War on Terror".
C3 - Chris - Mr. Cracked Pepper[edit]
Chris Taylor often purchases the same crude oil as John Travolta for hair grease, an idea he got from Andrew Hansen. Chris is perhaps best known for being the only member of The Chaser who consistently manages to look like he didn't wake up on the side of the road this morning. The reason for this is that while the other members of The Chaser are out on the battle field Chris is back at the Chaser Headquarters, also known as the Australian Born Communists' Ultimo Studios. Here he works on broadcasting the progress of the War on Everything to the Australian public.
C4 - Julian - The Officer[edit]
Julian Morrow responds to the propaganda and outright lies that the media frequently attempts to spread about the War on Everything. This has caused the sources of many of these lies, namely current affairs programs, to double their efforts in bringing down The Chaser. He also gathers information on The Chaser's enemies, his usual strategy for this being to ask them seemingly innocent questions at press conferences. His special power is looking like a huge nerd and reflecting light off his glorious, sunny head at Anna Coren.
C5 - Craig - The Weapons Expert[edit]
Craig Reucassel frequently ambushes The Chaser's enemies. He then viciously attacks them with battle axes and chainsaws. He also apparently has the power of becoming invisibile to certain Chaser enemies, these enemies usually being politicians. This has proved to be very useful for several of his campaigns for the War on Everything. He is also responsible for creating new ways for The Chaser to infiltrate enemy headquarters, such as inside a large wooden horse.
C6 - Chas - The Terrorist[edit]
C6, Chas Licciardello, is the one exception. "C" stands for "Chas"and "6" is supposed to be a sideways arse. An "8" probably would have worked better, but there aren't 8 members of The Chaser (Lawrence Leung doesn't count because of his size), so we just have to work with what we've got. Chas has said:
“I do my best to show my arse every week. When I was stuck in jail, I mooned everyone in my cell to the point where not even the homosexual cell mates could stand to look at my butt. But you know what? I learnt something from APEC - making my own Wikipedia page and editing the crap out of it, like Mark Latham did to make him seem better, is actually a great idea. Even though they did have to change John Howard back to "George's Bitch"...”
C7 - Dom - The Other One[edit]
Dom Knight also does something or other.
Lawrence Leung[edit]
Lawrence Leung was a mercenary for The Chaser, and possibly the most dangerous soldier in the war on everything. He started out as a private contact in the Australian Merc Corps but went rogue, eventually finding work with The Chaser. He performed missions that The Chasers were too wussy to do, such as infiltrating gay pubs, getting advice from American love gurus, gatecrashing the red carpet, and singing a crappy "rock" song on MTV. His exploits formed a new war to go as a sideline for the war on everything, called the "Choose Your own Adventure" war. One-Man-Army Lawrence Leung won the war using his newly-refined weapon: a crossbow that fires explosives. With this weapon in his hands; he is now the most dangerous man in Australia. After the war on everything ended he resumed his work as a private merc contact.
Andrew's Hair[edit]
Andrew's Hair is widely considered to be the most dangerous and uncontrollable member of the Chaser team, leaving a trail of terror wherever it goes. It is known to be quite prone to sudden changes in character, and its natural ability to surprise has earned it a place as one of the most infamous figures in the history of warfare. The Chaser's enemies often cite Andrew's Hair as the main reason they are unable to win the War on Everything, and the rest of the Chaser team frequently acknowledges the Hair as by far the most quick and clever member of the team.
Andrew's Hair has stated that once The Chaser wins the War on Everything it would like to become the new Prime Minister of Australia, as well as the new ruler of the rest of the world and several outlying planets. The dream of becoming Prime Minister was almost within reach for Andrew's Hair when On June 23rd, 2010, Kevin Rudd announced that Andrew's hair would join his Cabinet as the New Minister for Health. Unfortunately the position was denied the next day, as Rudd was declared insane and he was ejected from his position as Prime Minister and replaced by Julia Gillard.
Andrew's Hair has since been working overtime to plot world domination and the demise of Julia Gillard.
The Targets[edit]
The Chaser has made many enemies, many of which are genuinely evil and are attempting to destroy civilization as we know it. Especially current affairs shows.
T1 - The Prime Minister[edit]
John Howard, or as he is now known, Kevin Rudd, who was backstabbed by Julia Gillard who then became the new ranga overlord of Australia, booting out Kevin Rudd in the process, is the number one target of The Chaser's war. Real fucking creative, guys. Of course, his team of lackeys and backbenchers are also mercilessly targeted. This has made The Chaser very popular with the opposition, except that The Chaser target the opposition, too.
T2 - Telstra[edit]
Telstra's T2 network has many a time been a target of The Chaser and their schemes. Sometimes, they comment on slow broadband and the way it slows down their computer porn. Other times, they complain that the help service doesn't really help at all. But most often, it's just incoherent rambling by a bunch of blokes who drink beer every day of the week and only sober up for 9:00pm on Wednesday. Or occasionally even on Tuesday, the day they actually tape the show.
T3 - Current Affairs Shows[edit]
Current Affairs Shows such as Today Tonight are frequently targeted by The Chaser simply because they are one of the easiest targets around. This has greatly upset reporters from several of these shows, who have responded by tracking down The Chaser and telling them exactly how upset they are.
T4 - You[edit]
<insert name here>. That's right! As part of being a War on Everything, <insert name here> has been placed in the line of fire. Scud missiles, frogs, and plagues of locusts will be sent towards your home one day very soon, so watch your back! Because The Chaser... are... pissed!
T5 - Elmo[edit]
Elmo, otherwise known as that sweet, drug trafficking little red monster that scares little children. Elmo has not once been a target of The Chaser, yet so many of their scary, scary fans have commented on how he should be. In theory, Elmo has been pissed of so many times by The Chaser that he technically counts as a target. But technically, communism works.
The Battle of the Bulge[edit]
5th of January, 2005. The Chaser had recently been formed, and already they had made some mortal enemies. Anna Coren from Today Tonight had come up with a tactic to erase the new enemy from the TV Guide competition. She, David Koch, Cookie Monster and Peter Meakin formed an army big enough to eradicate the newfound threat.
The Chaser reacted to the activity in enemy movement by releasing their greatest weapon - the Chaser Ray, onto their fellow combatants. The Chaser Ray works much like an Anal Probe - it seeks its target and makes them spontaneously combust... however, after a MA15+ rated Season Two DVD, they redesigned the Ray simply to tap its target on the shoulder and give them a bitch slap.
The Battle of the Bulge took place in the middle of that year, on a grassy knoll which seemed awfully familiar to a 1999 George Lucas movie, which was a prequel to his own work. The Chaser lined up looking straight at their fellow army. The fight began, and Andrew Hansen was brutally cut down by a TV personality who would rather not be mentioned. A vicious firefight ensured.
"The Bulge" refers to the spot on Chas' left knee where he was attacked by vicious sniffer dogs in Season One. When his bulge gets hit by the Chaser Ray, it turns into a massive creature, not unlike The Blob, and will kill the newfound army in ways so violent and cruel it would make Kratos cry.
The Battle was won, and The Chaser celebrated their first victory... but Andrew was wheeled off in a body bag and Chas was in a coma for the next 12 weeks. But you'd have to say that out of all The Chaser team Chas has GUTS! Seriously - being prepared to show his arse on TV (and Wednesday night programing for that matter, the worst place to show your keister) definitley takes some GUTS! And a SIX PACK of BEER!
A Pointless Expensive Crock[edit]
When the APEC started in Sydney, The Chaser tried to gun down George W. Bush. Unfortunately they completely forgot that the idea of APEC is to use completely unnecessary security measures, including random checks in Melbourne, which is 800km away. The Chaser hadn't prepared that George would be travelling in a ship surrounded by lots of other military vessels, with helicopters above and sub-nuclear submarines below, and snipers on every corner of the ship. Apparantly The Chaser got ahold of a tank, but gave up after having a terrible time parallel parking.
The next day two members of The Chaser were arrested for Breaking into Sydney. They were sentenced to 20 years of prison, because many people these days have no sense of humour, and seek to destroy anyone who does. I didn't take long for them to start schemeing a way out, and they are reportedly already on the loose. While they were in prison the hilarious acts of Mick Molloy's The Nation had been broadcast to save Australians from APEC. It didn't work, and many perished.
The other members of The Chaser seemed content to carry on with or without Chas and Jules, because Andrew can be replaced easily enough by Chris, seeing as Chris never really does anything except write the script, which they don't need anyway.
The War's Current Status[edit]
After APEC, The Chaser disappeared for several months, and were officially pronounced dead. This information turned out to be false, as the radical militant group Australian Born Communists, more commonly known as the Australian Broadcasting Corporation, reported that they had been found in Ultimo, Sydney hidden in a hole underneath Studio 22, and were planning for a major assult on the 6th of September, 2008. While most of their targets have more or less been eradicated off the face of the Earth, there are still many left out there. Are you one?
The War is now in full swing, after all arrested members broke out of jail using their wit and charm (and the ABC's dangerously hefty "break-out-of-jail-fund-for-incarcerated-comedians-working-against-APEC", the same fund that got Andrew Denton out of jail when he was in Europe). Although the ABC has apologized for all incidents, the government is still keeping an especially close eye on Chas, until they can properly work out how to pronounce his last name. Also, loose CNNNN screenshots have started being used as The War screenshots, for example, on Encyclopedia websites.
The War is now over!