God of War
Summary[edit]
Ok, I'll summarize it up for you, you play as a crackheaded former KKK member who is very pissed off and very bald, he's pissed off at the Gods. He couldn't lynch Hades because he thought Hades was black cause his skin was so burnt from spending his days cooking in Hitler's oven. So because of this he snorts some crack whiter than his skin and goes FUCKING NUTZ killing everyone who gets in his way. Raping Athena in her godly vagina, bitchsmacking Zuess in the face, and then killing his bitch-ass poney-boy son Ares; becoming the God Of war. Only to get pissed off yet again cause they took his godly powers away because he couldn't get his dick sucked by Bill Cosby. So on a violent rampage started from nothing, he killed everyone in the universe. THE END... "wait for someones at my door, hold on I'll be right back.".............."I AM THE GOD OF WAR AND I HAVE KILLED THE GUY WRITING THIS! FUCK YOU ALL" love Kratos :)
Plot Synopsis[edit]
ffffffffffffff, a SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN warrior so angry that he exploded with rage when he discovered the god Ares had sexed his cat. With this in mind, he set off on a quest of vengeance against Ares, traveling the length and breadth of Greece, which now has a desert right next to Athens for some reason. To kill Ares, Kratos needs the power of a plot device Pandora's Rubix cube, which he must earn by killing a horde of monsters in the aptly named Temple of Pandora. When accused of making this and most of the game's levels filler, Sony Computer Entertainment Santa Monica's CEO replied: "Shut up! We gave you boobies and bitchin' weapons, godsdammit!"
Kratos is assisted by Ares's sister Athena throughout the game because she cares more about a bunch of moochers in her city than her brother. Various other gods also stab Ares in the back by giving Kratos magical sandwiches that give him superpowers and ability to slow time faster [1](in his war against Persians in 300 in which he took over Dillios' mind and went out of it) for no apparent reason. Kratos is also assisted by Your Mom a topless Oracle and a Deus Ex Machina Gravedigger.
Combat System[edit]
God of War's combat system is so awesome that the term awesome cannot encompass its sheer awesomeness. Therefore, henceforth it shall be referred to as hyper awesome. Your main weapons are the Blades of Chaos, which are on fire, and therefore hyper awesome. The Blade of Artemis is intended as an alternative for the Blades of Chaos, but this didn't work out because the Blade of Artemis is not on fire, and thus is not hyper awesome. (There is a definite link between hyper awesome and fire. Interesting.) You also gain numerous magic attacks, such as one that summons zombies that kill your enemies via singing Celine Dion music. Weird game.
The centerpieces of God of War's combat system are the various brutal fatalities Limit Breaks finishing moves you can perform on each enemy. These range in brutality from ripping off the wings of harpies to ripping out a Cyclops' eye, raping its eye, choking the Cyclops with the raped eye, fucking the corpse, eating the corpse, throwing up the corpse, shitting on the corpse then proceeding to repeat the process with the Cyclops' entire family, including its dog.
Magic Attacks[edit]
- SEX ON THE FUCKING BEACH: Souls on a quest for vengeance on people who wronged them. Their main purpose is to fly around haunting penis people with their soul clouds. Also, rigor mortis.
- funny bone strike: Shiny weapons that don't hurt Kratos while he holds them due to him being the main character. Given to Kratos by Ares's deadbeat father Zeus.
- Shit cannon of Leonidas: The ultimate weapon of SPARTAAAAAAAAA.Kratos will simply sit on the toilet of the cannon and shoot shit from it.
- Medusa gets head: The decapitated head of a Gorgon that Kratos carries around to scare people at parties. Useless otherwise; a better item is Medusa's Penis.
- Poiseidon is a fag: The first magic attack Kratos conveniently finds, Poseidon's Lightning causes a ship with Shelly Winters on it to sink. Why? Who cares, it's God of War.
- hoe of Artemis: An overly huge sword. Seriously, perhaps even larger than Kratos' ego. Perhaps Artemis needed something with which to please herself since she was still a virgin. (Can you blame her? All the other gods were related to each other and still fucked like rabbits.)
- Epic fuck: This weapon enables Kratos to defeat Xenu during his sleep by throwing mashed peas, can be enhanced to destroy Gordon Brown if mixed with Red and Green herbs from Raccoon City
- Absorption of red orbs after sex The statement speaks for itself.
Enemies[edit]
God of War contains some quaint things called 'enemies' that give you something to do while marveling at the excellent architecture.
Common Enemies[edit]
- Cannon Fodder: Target practice for your lightning bolts.
- Puppies: Makes you feel too guilty to kill them with their cuteness, then haxors the server to transform into Satan himself and eat you.
- Soldier: Sword. Stabby. Bad.
- Kratos Clone: From a time when Professor Miles Warren cloned Kratos, which then became the Scarlet Kratos. They later team-up.
- Cyclops: Has infinite health and the offensive power of a thousand suns. Luckily, it's incapable of combat maneuvers beyond "smash". Kind of like the Hulk, only without the extra testosterone. And flabbier. With one eye.
- Sirens: Supermodels that Aphrodite changed into monsters for banging her husband. Their singing is so horrid it makes your character commit suicide. Twice. (So, on the whole, preferable to Christian Rock music.)
- Archer: Snipes you with its 1337 skills. Weakest foot monster in the game.
- Harpy: Winged clones of Britney Spears. Fun to kill, less fun to clean up.
- Minotaur: The end product of your mother banging the cow god. Carries around a weapon bigger than itself, clearly making it an anime reject.
- Dante: comes out occasionally to rant about how much cooler Kratos is than him, then whine how he's "not even supposed to be here today!". Kill the bastard.
- You: No, not Kratos, You.
- Huge 3-headed Cat/Dog/Lama: Tries to shoot you with its load, which is on fire. It would be worth noting that killing its little cat/dog/lama babies will turn it into Pedo-Bear, resulting in a disturbing death.
Bosses[edit]
- Medusa: That one gorgon that Kratos has to rip off her head. Useless, but works.
- Giant Grue: A friggin' huge Grue that Kratos has to slay. Might as well perform a cleansing ritual. But likely you would be eaten by one before you could take out the power supply. You have to be on your guard in this boss fight A LOT or you'll die but if you do win you'll kill it in an extremely gruesome manner.
- Ares: The central villain of the game. Kills Kratos with a toothpick.
- Mecha-Minotaur: After Kratos punted a minotaur into space, it came back 3 times bigger with kickass armor. Luckily for Kratos, there's a quaintly convenient flaming-log cannon for no reason.
- Hydra: Giant trillion-headed sea-worm-thingy. It's normally passive, but its diet consists mainly of you, unfortunately.
Unlockables[edit]
Challenge of the Gods[edit]
The Challenge of the Gods is a series of 13 challenges unlocked by beating the story mode blindfolded. I don't know what they're like. I can't get past the first one.
Call this number to talk to Kratos: 1-888-447-5594...the conversation will follow for you:
You: Hello?
Kratos: I AM THE GOD OF WAR! (Kills you through the phone line.) Fucking telemarketers.
God Mode[edit]
Unlocked by beating the story mode while jumping on a pogo stick and playing the banjo. This is the normal story mode on steroids, marijuana and melange. The only 10 people to ever beat this mode are Jack Bauer, Homer Simpson, Galactus, Jesus, Jon the Chilean Stallion, Bwarg, Kratos himself, Leonidas (he and Kratos are best friends), Kervinle2500, and Chuck Norris Dabigmac 3 times cause he is awesome stared at it for a while, then smashed it into several thousand pieces. Not forgetting AAA, but he is not truly included in the list as he IS the God you have to beat when you complete these Challenges blindfolded and backward.
Top from Bwarg, to beat this mode you will need three things. Thing one - the game. Thing two - a controller. Thing three - No life, for you, will be spending every waking moment screaming your ass off because you will die at almost every time a group of enemies gangs up and begins to rape you. They do that a lot. It's Ancient Greece, remember?
Problems with the game[edit]
I know what you're thinking, God of War is perfect, no problems, woop-dee-doo. Well, you're all WRONG right! There are many problems, in this Jewish game that Hitler should have terminated during the holocaust: Pandora's Box. Kratos' quest to find this box is supposed to hold the ultimate power to defeat God's. Ooooh! I hear you say. Well, after beating the fucking puzzles, and fighting countless enemies, and getting past the Cliffs of fucking, bloody, tear-your-hair-out Madness, you get it, die, revive, re-obtain the box and open it. You sit there thinking, yes, this is it, this is where I get to see what the Box does to Kratos. You sit there wondering what mystical power will transform Kratos, and what happens? He grows. He gets bigger. That's it. The ultimate power is to grow a few feet! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargggggh