HowTo:Survive a terrorist attack

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29 January 2016

Our survivalist friend demonstrates how putting on a stupid face and wearing a rape proof vest has so far kept her safe against molestation

Attacks are getting bigger and more frequent as shitloads of ‘skilled’ migrants are allowed into our countries every day. Soon there will be a single, humongous and non-stop attack happening all over the world. The authorities are only specialized in issuing parking tickets so it’s always down to us, ordinary people, to manage such extreme situations.

But what can we do as civilians in emergencies like this?

We’ve invited a survival psychologist/instructor and beloved mother of scum to share with us her awesome lifesaving tricks:

Be prepared[edit]

Many attack victims have mistaken the first gunshots for fireworks and initial groping for caresses. People who are not expecting attacks are slow to respond and loose precious time.

Attackers are known to deepen confusion by yelling that something or someone they know is great. Getting shot or raped is definitely not great, so proceed to the next advice without delay.

React quickly[edit]

Run away and call in an airstrike immediately. Dial the number of the nearest Airforce base, state a fictitious military rank and your actual location. Speak loudly, just like you were a soldier under heavy enemy fire. The password is always Sierra Hotel India Tango repeated three times. Don’t forget to say ‘Roger and out’ at the end of your conversation, to boost your credibility. Note that it takes bombers a few minutes to drop their load over the target so you have just enough time to put a safe distance between you and the attack scene.

Make yourself a smaller target[edit]

Sucking in your beer belly while running sideways or slightly bending over while running away lower your cross section and make you harder to hit. You might even pass unnoticed to a nearsighted attacker.

It’s not yet clear if losing weight would dramatically increase the long term chances of survival. It has been demonstrated that significant amounts of blubber form a formidable barrier against conventional projectiles and RPG’s. For this reason, overweight people are currently being denied protection under the US Endangered Species Act, at least until the first harpoon attack is documented and their numbers start to decline.


Nowhere to run? Just hide somewhere!

Nowhere to hide? Then hide in plain sight, damn it! Attackers are uneducated, so they won’t know the difference between a white naked person and a Michelangelo or between a pub and a museum. Just avoid blushing or getting a tan and do not move.

Ditching jewelry with crosses or hexagrams is advised, as such things make them mad like Dracula.

Always wear protection[edit]

Attacks have been perpetrated in grocery stores, concert halls, offices, schools, streets, homes and even aboard flying airliners. There’s no such thing as a safe place or time. You should always be wearing your body armor and chastity belt.

Keep in mind that you’re not safe even when you’re hiking or doing bear business in the woods.

Never fall asleep before plugging all your holes except one nostril, for breathing purposes (this is important). Never sleep all at once. At least one of you should remain alert while the others are resting.

Fight back[edit]

This seems to be the most effective strategy. Remember, attackers are retarded (who else would want to harm innocent people?) so they don’t expect you to fight back. The element of surprise is on your side. Are they shooting at you? Shoot back! If civilians are banned from owning guns in your country, that’s no excuse not to own a blowpipe with poisoned darts, disguised as a flute, a slingshot wrapped around your waist, a spear-in-a-walking-stick, a shuriken in a badge or in a belt buckle, a handful of toothpicks in your pocket or a large dildo in your purse. These are no match to firearms in a one-on-one fight, but the attackers are few and the victims are always many. They may not be outgunned, but they’ll sure be outnumbered. Like a thousand to one, ish.

Chemical deterrent[edit]

Are they trying to rape you? It’s high time you loudly release the fart you’ve been withholding all day at your office.

Eating beans regularly will greatly increase your chances of pulling this trick on demand.

Last resort[edit]

You’ve been cornered and it seems like they’re gonna get you? Don’t panic! Just remember that all they want is to take your life. If they succeed, they get 72 virgins, if not, they remain virgins (sex is irrelevant). So don’t give them satisfaction! Play dead! In order to deliver a convincing act, stop showering altogether, drill at least one hole in your face and always keep a bottle of ketchup handy, to spray it all over yourself if necessary. That should do the trick.

Wearing a large knife in your back or an axe in your forehead is also known to make them ignore you.

Preemptive strike[edit]

Need to go shopping, drive your kids to school or pick up some groceries in complete safety?

Burn down the nearest falafel and explosive vest shop.

That should keep them busy long enough for you to finish those errands.

What to do after an attack[edit]

Help others. There are never enough ambulances or doctors available for the job, so you’ll have to perform surgery yourself on the wounded, mostly amputations. Take care to only remove the injured limbs, as more extensive chopping might result in you being sued for reparations. Surgically removing the head is a great way to preserve the quality of a fresh body.

Avoid handling fallen attackers. You might activate their dead man's triggers.

Alternative tactics[edit]

Wear a beard, a vest and a kufiyah/taqiyah at all times. Get into the barbaric act and occasionally abuse women in public. This disguise should let you get close enough to the attackers to stab them in the back, as they'll be convinced you're one of them. It will also help you get a new ID, a place to stay for free, social welfare, free meals and healthcare, a celebrity status and last but not least you will receive gifts of money, drugs, firearms and explosives from some of the world’s richest oil countries. You’ll be able to cross any border without a passport or a visa, carry assault weapons, rape and/or kill whoever you desire.

The downside of this tactic is that you definitely need to avoid pork and booze. Failure to do so will blow your cover. So it’s either freedom, sex, cash, guns, drugs, popularity and fun or the usual taxes, mortgage, depression, colon cancer and cirrhosis. You just can’t have all of them at the same time.

Chew over this last option carefully.

“The whole point is that you’re not as helpless against attackers as you might think. You just have to hone your ninja skills and stay sharp. You'll definitely need them on a daily basis pretty soon. Good luck from Germany, the world leader in massive social experiments!” says our dear friend.