Silicon

Silicon

Mermaids caught by ocean fishing are an additional source of silicon.
Numbers and stuff
Atomic number	976-SILICON
Atomic weight	Under 45 minutes except during atomic rush hour
Atomic Mass	Daily at the Atomic Baptist Church

Silicon is an element naturally occurring in the breasts of porn stars. It has many useful applications, some not related to pornography.

Discovery

Silicon (from Latin silica iconia = "silly icon") was discovered by Hugh Hefner after his third martini of the afternoon. Hef may have been feeling somewhat "silly" that day; though when one is still in one's bathrobe at 2 p.m., it is hard to tell. Carol Doda is sometimes credited as a co-inventor but she was more of a passive inspiration.

Silicon is a bluish crystalline metaloid, which is fancier than simply being a blue crystal metal. Its atomic number is 14 and its symbol is Si. In Chihuahua, it is Sí, which does not always mean "Yes," especially when the question is whether a bus will come today.

The first application of silicon was in the garish bluish crystalline medallion Hef used to have around his neck when "rattling around" Playboy Mansion.

Commercial uses

Silicon is used in the manufacture of microchips. Silicon began replacing vacuum tubes in microchips in 1975. This made everything cooler and solved the problem of all the broken glass when workers tried to get the vacuum tubes inside the microchips. The increasing number of microchips inside each computer since the era of vacuum tubes correlates directly with an increasing amount of pornography on the Internet. Modern computers are packed with harder, deeper, and hotter silicon, which is often bulging and jiggly. Fitting all that silicon into small spaces requires wizardry and explains why electronic engineers are so rich and have so many women, despite mostly being hideously ugly.

Silicon is also used to make protective vests. Silicon is a key ingredient of Kapok®, the material in life preservers named for the famous Vulcan who first got his people to dress funny. Police often wear silicon vests, which repel the rubber bullets that the police use. The impact makes a smacking sound, which is a popular percussion effect when several officers have a garage band in their spare time.

All My Little Pony toys consist of an isotope of silicon that has mind-control properties and dissolves central nervous systems.

Silicon Valley

Silicon Valley is an area of California between two bulging, erect mountains. It acquired its name when natural silicon was discovered there, as its female residents naturally use almost as much silicon as they do make-up.

After the discovery of silicon, electronics manufacturing displaced truck stops and open-air flea markets as the area's dominant industry. The industry would itself give way to activists complaining about urban sprawl and traffic lights.

It is said that, when old calculators die, they go to Silicon Heaven. However, if you ask someone in the Valley for directions there, you will be taken to Fry's, which is where it comes from, not where it goes.

Environmental side-effects

Used silicon is hard to dispose of. Most of the world's cast-off silicon is dumped back into Silicon Valley, whose only native inhabitants are gullible capital investors and people who use too many acronyms so nobody feels bad about dumping crap there.

If overexposed to oxygen, supple silicon deposits become bags of sand with no allure except to Steve Carell.

Periodic table of the elements

H

​

He

Li

Be

​

B

C

N

O

F

Ne

Na

Mg

​

Al

Si

P

S

Cl

Ar

K

Ca

Sc

Ti

V

Cr

Mn

Fe

Co

Ni

Cu

Zn

Ga

Ge

As

Se

Br

Kr

Rb

Sr

Y

Zr

Nb

Mo

Tc

Ru

Rh

Pd

Ag

Cd

In

Sn

Sb

Te

I

Xe

Cs

Ba

Lu

Hf

Ta

W

Re

Os

Ir

Pt

Au

Hg

Tl

Pb

Bi

Po

At

Rn

Fr

Ra

Lr

Rf

Db

Sg

Bh

Hs

Mt

Ds

Rg

Cn

Nh

Fl

Mc

Lm

Ts

Og

​

La

Ce

Pr

Nd

Pm

Sm

Eu

Gd

Tb

Dy

Ho

Er

Tm

Yb

Ac

Th

Pa

U

Np

Pu

Am

Cm

Bk

Cf

Es

Fm

Md

No

Compounds: Idiotic Table • Canadian Table • Euclid's Elements • Noble gases • Unununium • Unobtanium