San Jose
| Ciudad de Los Joses de Santos | |
|---|---|
 Typical San Jose native engaging in morning ritual | |
 The Way to San Jose, as shown by Google. Crtl-Z for escape. | |
| Motto: 010000010111000001100101011100110111010001100001 | |
| Civic anthem: "Autotune the News" | |
| State | California |
| Official nickname | Silicon Valley, iJose, San Francisco Beta, Suburbia 4.0 |
| Official language(s) | English, Mexican, Asian, Indian (no feathers), Binary |
| Mayor | Outsourced to Bangalore |
| Established | June 23, 1979 |
| Currency | gigabytes |
| Opening hours | Please stay on the line, and we will be with you shortly. |
“Do you know the way to San Jose?”
“Shit, I meant San Francisco.”
San Jose, also called San Josie, is an Amerikan suburb of ten million when you count illegal immigrants. Home of the amazingly successful dot-com start-up pets.com, the city's tech companies attract America's brightest technological minds except when they can get them from India. Visitors searching for something to do can indulge in a fresh glass of Natty Lite from the local Hooters and watch 50-year-old laid-off tech workers motorboat boobies half their age. Movie theaters have been outlawed in the city in favor of Netflix and illegal downloading.
The Great Homotronian Technological Englightenment of 1979[edit]
In 1979, aliens from the planet Homotron were attempting to locate gay bathhouses on their iPad when they accidentally crash-landed about 60 miles south of San Francisco. Disappointed with their unintended destination of an apricot orchard and a white trash trailer park, the Homotronians became dismayed to find earthlings couldn't fix their iPad's cracked screen. The need for Apple Stores was clear. Using their info-transmitting tentacles, the Homotronians touched San Jose local Steve Jobs deep down in places we don't talk about and fed him all the enlightening technological knowledge earthlings had so long been deprived of. Thus, an industry was born.
Natural Habitats[edit]
Should you be so lucky during your visit to San Jose, you may encounter a computer nerd in his natural habitat of an office chair adjacent to a Dell laptop and a bag of Cheetohs. Generally, if undisturbed, these creatures remain tame, but they are also very easily excited. Be advised by the following guidelines to avoid unpleasant encounters:
- Remain silent and watch from a distance--the nerd is focused on a task, or maybe just another WoW battle.
- Pinch your nose or, preferably, use a clothespin to avoid the atrocious odors that result from nerd's lack of bathing.
- If you dare to have a pleasant conversation with the nerd, steer the conversation clear of normal smalltalk like the sports or the weather outside; the nerd doesn't know or care about either.
- Don't talk about LINUX.
- I repeat: do not talk about LINUX.
- DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT BRINGING UP LINUX!!!!!!!11!1one
- As a sign of cultural understanding, prepare by dressing in your ugliest sweater and gym shorts.
- Make sure your breath smells like day-old pizza.
- Children and Pregnant Women should avoid contact with computer nerds, as they are susceptible to infection of the nerdom virus
Famous Talent[edit]
One of San Jose's greatest claims to fame embarrassments is being home to the critically acclaimed rock-jazz-blues fusion band Smash Mouth, who during the 90's and 00's produced some of the best music the world ever heard, including "All Star", "Walking on the Sun", "Smells like Teen Spirit", "Yesterday", "American Pie", "Beethoven's 9th Symphony" and Mozart's "The Magic Flute." Of their music, esteemed New York Times music critic Annette Leonard has said, "They are so fucking good they make me want to crap my pants."
In 2006, Smash Mouth lead singer Steve Harwell received the San Jose Lifetime Achievement Award for using the profits made from their music to feed the city's homeless, ease the tensions in relations between ethnic street gangs, and cure Lindsay Lohan of herpes. To commemorate his work, the city erected a to-scale phallic fountain that jizzes all over downtown's San Pedro Square.
See also[edit]
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