Unquotable:Oscar Wilde

"Brevity is the soul of wit."

Oscar Wilde is perhaps the most prolific crafter of fake quotes who ever lived. Renowned worldwide as the Ambassador of Quotes, the Don of Quips, the King of Limericks, and the Premier Provider of Carpet Cleaning Services in the Southern New Jersey Area, Wilde was no stranger to witty remarks, although he was virtually unknown in most of South America. Although a cottage industry has sprung up in England around "Making up Oscar Wilde quotes," (despite the fact that he's Irish) here at Unquotable we screen our quotes for originality and freshness.

Oscar Wilde on the Art for Art's Sake Movement

• "I also enjoy the delights of the English gentry; they have nice arses, which I use to fart even more enticing random patterns with paint."

• "Whistler's knickers are too tight, and that's why he is wrong."

The Critic as Artist (1891)

• On his death bed: "Those curtains are fucking hideous."

De Profundis (1905)

• "At twilight, nature is not without loveliness, though perhaps its chief use is to bone people's sons without them knowing."

• "A witty saying proves nothing, though it can make you really, really famous."

• "All women become like their mothers; that is their tragedy. I knew a bloke who got shot in the head and then was mugged by the prime minister of Canada live on News at Ten. That was his."

• "I have no regrets. ...Except for that one time with the chicken."

Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young

• "When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers. My prayer was to be immortalized by unintelligent gibbons on a satirical Web site."
• "As one great man has said to another, 'Off with his head!'"

• "The only thing worse than being talked about is being misquoted.

• "Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant."

• "Don't sweat the petty things...or was it don't pet the sweaty things?"

• "I have nothing to declare but that I am here on business and will be staying for about 3 weeks."

• "Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow."

• "The secret of life is to appreciate the pleasure of being brutally, brutally buggered."

• "One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that, would tell one anything."

• "Love is a sacrament that should be taken kneeling."

The Picture of Dorian Gray

• "There is no such thing as a moral or immoral book, except for the Kama Sutra. And the Bible. And that hideous Where's Wally series."

• "I have nothing to declare except war on Austria."

• "I love the French language... it's a delightful language, especially to curse with. It's like whopping your ass with silk."

• "Hedonism means you truly are a celebrator of life. Or a lazy fuck."

• "Several winters spent alone in a little white walled-in house at Algiers with Mr. Velvet Voice? I should bally well say so, old fruit!"

An Ideal Husband

• "There is no sin except stupidity. And that fornication thing... But stupidity is really bad."

• "I like men in the way that men like girls, but instead of girls, men."

• "Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. Either experience or Shelby."

• "Just because one can reproduce, does not mean one should."