Worst Things To Say and Do In The Workplace

We're all working, aren't we. I mean this Credit Crunch business is all just a scare tactic to make us all buy Japanese cars, eh!

But we all want to keep those jobs. Desperately! And so here is a list of informative things that you should never say or do whilst at work. Ever. Sometimes. Then again, maybe you have a job you hate. So here are some great ideas to lose that job you hate.

Harassing the boss

1. "Sir, the gift-box of turds you received in the post this morning had NOTHING to do with me!"
2. "If our outgoings are higher than our income, does that mean I'm allowed to fuck you up the ass?"
3. "Fuck you... I preferred working for Charles Manson..."
4. "Just to be sure, what is it I'm meant to say when your wife calls... that you're NOT having an affair with the secretary?"
5. (Scream)(boss's name)"...you son of a bitch!!!" (Proceed to arm wrestle in the air and comment on how much of a wimp he is)
6. Email your boss "I know what you did last summer"
7. "So it clearly says "CEO Only" on the sign, but this is a democracy, I drive a 63 Studebaker and it ain't my fault you painted such iddy-biddy parking spaces out there."
8. Put shaving cream on your boss’s telephone earpiece. Dial the number. When he/she answers, say “Sqwish.”
9. Remove the wheels from your boss' car. Slashing tires is for lazy bums.
10. "Your wife's photograph is charming, sir. And that's why I jizzed across it."
11. "You know, you gotta boss too. And I still got photos of him and that tranny hooker at the conference in LA. You sure I don't qualify for a raise?"
12. "You say she's your wife but can we really own another person?"

Sexually harassing coworkers

1. "It's all right to touch!"
2. "Can I ask you a question? Have you always been a female? I mean I don't mind, I'm open minded, but you were born a man, weren't you?"
3. "Excuse me, I was looking at you from across the room and I just happened to notice that you make my penis erect."
4. "We should fuck sometime...Just me, you, and your daughter Janet."
5. "I'm Head of Security and I say the webcams in the ladies washroom have decreased toilet-roll theft by 75%."
6. "Wanna trade pants?"
7. "Damn you got big ass, it'd probably fit the panties I stole off that washing-line outside your apartment block."
8. "You say indecent exposure, I say airing my dick - it's just words, isn't it."
9. "I only need one of your pubes to get DNA from, the computer will make your clone automatically and then I'll never need to look through that hole I drilled in your bedroom ceiling ever again."
10. "The john in the men's room is out of action so I'm just gonna stand here and watch until you finish."
11. "I had an life-size model of you cast in polyethylene, I just need to borrow your underwear to give it that authentic smell."

Discussing bodily functions

1. (At a hugely important corporate business meeting with the CEO's "And as we can see, our output graph arcs double measuring our total gross net for the last fiscal year. And if I were to draw two small circles... here, and here... they look a lot like breasts. Moving your attention to our future intentions graph, I hope you can see its startling resemblance to a big, hard, throbbing cock full of all cum and semen. Just imagine it, sirs, being ridden by a flow-graph. Just imagine it, eh, eh! C'mon, work with me here!"
2. "So the Star Wars action figure was stuck up there for almost a week. Who'd have thought R2D2 could be such a pain in the ass."
3. "Look at this, Sir. If you tape two pieces of A4 together you can just fit on a life size photo of my penis."
4. (in the middle of a meeting)"Anyone got a condom?"
5. "Man, get a load of that! I'm gonna sue that Indian restaurant for what it did to my digestion last night - hence the photos."
6. "So when I found the chick I picked up at the fetish club last week I said - I got this oral [herpes] from you rather than the other way round. It was you sitting on my face."
7. "I kept a video-log of every bowel movement since 1997, I put a link on the company website."

Provoking an unprofessional reaction

1. "I haven't been able to finish that report yet, sir. I'm just way too busy at the moment screwing your daughter."
2. "You're so cute when you're angry, sir!"
3. "In retrospect I should have recognised your wife, sir, but I'd never even seen your Mom before."
4. "So maybe I shouldn't have invested our weekly takings in the Kentucky Derby but that nag had such beautiful eyes."

Inappropriate use of company time and/or resources

1. "Sir, you might want to just destroy that hard drive in my computer instead of reassigning it..."
2. "It's obvious to me, Sir, that if you truly wanted your firm to succeed then you would have let me run that paedophile website from my office desk - it brought in ten times as much as your pitiful tool-hire business."
3. "Sir, I had to delete the last 20 years accountancy data on the server to make way for GTA4. Care for a deathmatch multiplayer?"
4. "So I rented out the staff canteen to the Klan. Those guys have a constitutional right to free assembly."

Violating written or unwritten rules

1. "Sorry I'm late, I got my arm stuck in the Cornflakes packet."
2. "And I attest, Sir, that the water cooler was laced with piss *before* I turned in for work drunk!"
3. "Work-suit? Gimp-suit! Where in the company regs does it specify exactly what I should wear in the morning?
4. "Your lunch was delicious, sir."
5. Come to work disguised as a Dalek from Dr. Who on a day other than Halloween.
6. "This is a seeing-dog for the blind, just because I retrained it as a fellating-dog for the horny doesn't mean it contravenes our Health and Safety rules."
7. "How the Hell was I meant to know that "Dress Down Friday" didn't cover my SS uniform?"

Other useful annoyances that you will surely get away with

1. Yawn, as loud as you can, about once a minute. Have a letter from your doctor hanging on the office wall, just in case.
   • If you do not suffer from sleep apnea, or acute boredom with the company's business, or are not willing to claim to, an alternative is to fart as loud as you can, also about once a minute. Curry works wonders in facilitating this, and a letter from the doctor can again be useful.
2. Schedule a "one-on-one" with every other member of the "team" to determine whether each has accepted Christ as his personal savior. If not, continue the personal meeting beyond its scheduled duration until they give in and listen to your Testimony.
   • The atheist Lesbian in Human Resources will especially appreciate this.
3. Twitching one's head every thirty seconds and periodically standing bolt upright to shout "piss-flaps!" will provide amusement for both you and your colleagues, as well convincing your boss you have Tourette's Syndrome - thereby rendering you un-fireably disabled.
4. Wearing a burqa makes you both transgender and an ethnic minority. You are now bullet-proof.

Creative use of your cubicle

You were given a partition rather than a lockable office because you don't merit actual privacy. However, this means that your neighboring employees don't merit it either. So —

1. Settle the score with your spouse, children, mistress, or bookie loudly on the phone in the middle of the afternoon.
2. Make a roof over your cubicle out of old soda cans.
3. Attempt to turn your cubicle into a missile launching station.
4. Use the late afternoon of every day to try to organize a group session of fantasy sports or other activity that most of the department prefers less than meeting their deadlines.
5. Rent out your cubicle to a family of Romanian immigrants. For a small discount they'll deal with your emails.
6. Keep the remnants of every packed lunch and collect the orange rinds and banana peels of colleagues. Composting in your filing cabinets is good for the environment and will stop fuckwits cluttering them up with paperwork.
7. "When you said I could keep the odd pot-plant on my desk I honestly thought you meant a hydroponic cannabis factory would be fine."
8. "But you always say efficiency is everything and the Chinese guy I hired to cover my duties is more efficient than I am and gots me a fifth what you pay."

Other

1. "I'm sorry I was late but I really shouldn't be here at all - the Doctor says I'm still highly infectious"
2. "Just so I'm clear on this, what level of lying am I to use? School Teacher (low), CEO (medium high), Salesman (high to very high) or Lawyer ( can't be measured it's so high) ? It's important for a janitor to know this before starting a new job."
3. (In elevator) "Did you just hear a cable snap?"
4. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly.
5. Attach a sign that says "FAX" to the paper shredder. Sit and watch to see how many people fall for it.
6. Determine by trial-and-error how many cups of coffee is “too many.”
7. "Heisenburg's Uncertainty Principle says it's impossible to know anything's location and velocity at the same time. Since we're all orbiting the Sun at 67,000 mph how can you be sure I wasn't at my desk all morning?"
8. "You're spending how long getting the MBA? Mine arrived three days after my cheque cleared with the University of Nigeria"