Princess Leia
“There is no underwear in space.”
“But we..... oh SHIT!!!”
Princess Leia Organa Solo was the star of three children's films about violence, incest, and shiny swords. She was princess of planet Alderaan, also known as Space Poland. The daughter of elected queen Padme Amidala, Leia was adopted by the royal family of Alderaan; and does not actually belong to a royal bloodline. The only thing she ended up inheriting from her mom was her personal servant LS-D2, who would put her to sleep with his tales of clean and bloodless PG warfare.
At the ripe old age of 13 she became a member of the Imperial Senate, serving a six year term during which she developed a severe addiction to the spice Melange just to keep up with the heavy work demands, leading to her eventual involvement in the inter planetary drug trade she would use to fund the terrorist organization known as the Rebel Alliance. Her second term in office was marred by scandal over her drug use and suspected ties to terrorists, but her career was cut short with the dissolution of the Imperial Senate.
Career[edit]
In the first film Drug Wars Episode IV: Some New Dope, Princess Leia is pulled over by a Star Destroyer and arrested by County Sheriff Darth Vader, who asks her, jettisoning her drugs from an escape hatch inside her droids R2-D2 and C-3PO as he hauls her off to space jail aftr he asks her, "Are you holding?" and she spits on his mask saying, "I ain't telling you shit pig!" The two droids are discovered wandering the desert and picked up by a farm boy who doesn't even know what half these drugs are, taking them to a local hippie named Old Ben, who tells him the correct thing to do is to return it to the owner. With the help of two truck drivers they find in a bar, Han Solo and Chewbaca they hitch a ride to space jail to return the princess her contraband and break her out. Obi-Wan heroically sacrifices himself, getting gunned down by the cops, allowing the rebels to escape to one of the moons of space Mexico where they formulate a plan while tripping on Yopo to stick a potato into the Death Star's tail pipe.
During the next film, California's Three Strikes: she goes to Hoth where she did a lot of snow, being the 80's and all. Eventually Darth Vader arrived leading a DEA raid and the gang had to split up with Luke going to check out Yoda's opium den on Dagobah. After losing the storm trooper police cruisers in an asteroid field they escape to Cloud City to talk to Lando about a drug deal. Unfortunately it's a sting operation as Vader and his deputized bounty hunter Boba Fett arrest them and puts Han in the back of a squad car, reading him his Imperial Miranda rights, "You have no rights, the emperor will do whatever he wants with you." Luke arrives just in the nick of a bit too late as Vader pulls out his riot baton and they duel in the streets of cloud city, until he cuffs him to a lamp post and Luke cut's his own hand off, jumping off a roof top down into an alleyway, hanging off the side of a gutter until his crew picks him up. Leia no longer has her boyfriend anymore, but rather than sleep with Luke, she goes on the rebound with another strangely similar smuggler Dash Rendar.
In the third film, The Return of Getting High Leia really plays the field: kissing the newly knighted Jedi Luke; his best friend Han, the smuggler with a heart of gold; and a four ton green mobster worm named Jabba the Hutt. Jabba was a top tier spice dealer whom Leia sold her self to as a sex slave after her addiction spiraled out of control following the arrest of Han and confinement in Jabba's third party prison,managing to get him out of his new pair of carbonite shoes. Luke goes to rescue Leia but before he can get the chance to free her, she strangles Jabba using her bondage chain in a fit of orgiastic violence during a belly dance in a golden bikini that got children all over the world begging for more woman on worm hardcore BDSM. The gang than heads off to explore the rumors of powerful hallucinogenic mushrooms on the forest moon of Endor that need to be purified from their potent raw state into the urine of an Ewok shaman, unfortunately the DEA is already there building another space jail there so they have to steal a patrol car and some fake ID's to make the boarder crossing.
Down on the moons surface, the storm troopers are trespassing on the Ewoks tribal lands, trouncing on their religious right to practice their ancestor's medicine. Leia, Han and Chewie's letter from the Ewok village to the ACLU as the rebels all hold hands and chant in solidarity, as Luke turns himself in hoping to get killed by the police so he can be a martyr for his cause. Luke is tazered by police chief Palpatine while non violently protesting the police brutality, as Lando pours sugar into the 2nd Death Star's engine and Darth Vader has a change of heart filing his 2 weeks notice. With the inhumane conditions of the Death Star detention facility shut down by a court order, the Ewoks are than finally freed from the shadow of the empire, as Leia makes a deal with theEwoks to further fund the rebel alliance's terrorism by growing them drugs to sell for blasters, ships and droids.
A year later and the rebel guerrillas have successfully over thrown the Imperial government during the battle of Jakku. General Leia downplays her royal ancestry as she leads her collective of war torn worlds under the banner of socialism during a decades long cold war against the Imperialist dogs: Viva la Leia! Unfortunately Starkiller Base becomes her Cuban Missile Crisis, as she realizes a bit too late that the first order is capable of hitting the capital with their space ICBM's.
Debate with her brother Luke[edit]
Princess Leia had a big debate with her brother Luke Skywalker over why she should date Han Solo instead of him.
Leia: "I have to dump you and date Han now."
Luke: "Han? What does he have that I don't?"
Leia: "He's brave."
Luke: "I blew up the death star with only basic training."
Leia: "He has a job."
Luke: "I have a farm."
Leia: "He doesn't whine."
Luke: "Awwwwwwwwww, come on throw me a bone here!"
Leia: "He has a large penis."
Luke: "I have a glowy sword."
Leia: "He's mature."
Luke: "I lost my family and hand in war."
Leia: "He's handsome."
Luke: "Master Yoda says I'm handsome."
Leia: "He's not my brother."
Luke: "Yeah, well...I can do back flips."
