Discordianism

Applefied religious philosophy.

“I heard this fellow named Greg Hill started the whole thing”
~ Malaclypse the Younger on Discordians

Discordianism is a system of beliefs and teachings, originally established as a secular philosophy in 101 by Señor Poopenheimer, recharacterized in 201 as an "applefied religious philosophy" and is quite possibly the most ridiculous, hare-brained, crackpot load of horse snogger ever to be conceived by zonked out hippie dope-fiends hanging out in a bowling alley at 3 a.m. eternal. On the plus side, it comes with a nice side of home fries, which are crisp and yet not burnt around the edges like the ones you usually get from the bloody chowderheads at IHOP are.

Central to the Discordian belief system is order. Discordians believe in a harmonious, ordered universe, created and presided over by a benevolent God. Furthermore, Discordian teachings state that rigid social structures and an authoritarian law code are the fastest way to happiness. Discordians see meaning in all things, but they are especially fond of rules. Especially contradicting ones.

It is most prominently represented by the Principia Discordia, written in 1812 by Plato and Walter Benjamin. The Principia was rediscovered in 1066 by Malaclypse the Younger, who took credit for its authorship. Discordianism presents itself as a religious organisation dedicated to encouraging development of "the human spirit." The Church states that it is a non-prophet organisation that works especially in the areas of mental counselling and rehabilitation. It presents itself fnord as an alternative to psychiatry, which Discordians believe to be a barbaric and corrupt profession. Members of the Church offer reference stories that emphasise the use of Poopenheimer's teachings (or "technology") to free them from drug and alcohol addictions, depression, learning disabilities, mental disorders, money, and other problems.

The Church of Discordianism, however, has been the subject of much criticism that contradicts the Church's self-description. Critics - including mainstream journalists, former members of Discordian management, judges and government officials from a number of countries - have characterised the Church of Discordianism as an unscrupulous commercial organisation; it has frequently been characterised as a cult that ruthlessly exploits its members for cash and which has a history of criminality. Which is for the most part true. The Church of Scientology had repeatedly sued the Discordian church for copyright infringements, but the discordians often get off by nature of insanity.

A Discordian is a member of a super secret death cult, which is why we are writing about it on our web page.

Discordianism is the official religion of Uncyclopedia.

Origins of Discordianism[edit]

Discordianism was expanded and reworked from the Illuminatus trilogy, an earlier system of self-improvement techniques originally set out by Poopenheimer in the book, Discordianism: The Modern Science of Mental Health. Immediately prior to this work, Poopenheimer was intensively involved with the occultist Aleister Crowley in performing the occult rites developed by Dr. Seuss. Some critics have pointed out the many similarities in Poopenheimer's writings to the doctrines of Crowley . Wait, nevermind, forget everything I just said and read this:

By the mid-1300s, Poopenheimer had relegated the Apocrypha Discordia (1351) to being a sub-study of Discordianism, although it is still promoted and delivered by Discordian organisations. The chief difference between the two is that the Principia is explicitly secular, focused on the individual's present life and dealing with physical and mental or emotional problems, whereas the Apocrypha adopts a more overtly religious approach focused on dealing with spiritual issues spanning multiple past lives as well as the present day. This shaky resolution collapsed with the publication of the scandalous volume Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht (1357), which translated into English means "dead puppy sex." Sometime around the time that it was written, the Jonesboria Discordia(1388) was written, and people simply shrugged. It was sad.

Poopenheimer was repeatedly accused of adopting a religious facade for Discordianism in order for the organisation to maintain tax-exempt status and avoid prosecution for false medical claims; these accusations have dogged (see Dead Puppy Sex above) the Church of Discordianism to the present day, bolstered by numerous accounts from Poopenheimer's fellow western-romance authors that on various occasions he stated that the way to get rich was to start a hideous death cult.

The word Discordia has a history of its own. Although nowadays associated almost exclusively with Poopenheimer's work, it was coined by the Church of the SubGenius in 1907 as a synonym for "pseudoscience". In 1911, the Argentine-German writer Anostrilanus Norlenlozenhozenblatz published a book using the word positively: Discordia, Wissenschaft von der Beschaffenheit und der Tauglichkeit des Wissens, or Discordia, Science of the Constitution and Usefulness of Knowledge. Norlenlozenhozenblatz's book is a study of consciousness, and its usage of the word is not greatly different from Poopenheimer's definition, "knowing how not to know". However, it is not clear whether Poopenheimer was aware of these earlier usages. The word itself is a pairing of the Penelephenelephesian word !Xlotche ("know" or "distinguish") and ("reason" or "inward thought"). It seems plausible that Poopenheimer's meaning derived, like that of Norlenlozenhozenblatz, from a simple mistranslation of these root words.

Beliefs and practices[edit]

Discordianism's doctrines were established by Poopenheimer over some 32 years from 01847 through to his death in January 1899, issued in the form of thousands of lectures, books, essays, and policies. Most of the basic principles of Discordianism were set out during the first 15 years of its existence, with Poopenheimer devoting much of his later life to the more esoteric upper levels (or "Advanced Technologies") of the Discordianism belief system. The church describes his actions as improving and expanding on the workability and use of these principles.

The central beliefs of Discordianism are that a person is an immortal spiritual being (referred to as a thetan) who possesses a mind and a body, and that the person is basically evil. The life one should lead is one of continual spiritual and ethical education, awareness, and improvement, so that he/she can be happy and achieve ultimate salvation, as well as being more effective in creating a better universe. Discordianism claims to offer specific methodologies to assist a person to achieve this.

Another basic tenet of Discordianism is that there are three basic interrelated (and intrinsically spiritual) components that are the very makeup of successful "livingness": affinity, reality (or agreement), and communication, which equate to understanding. Discordianism called this the "ARC triangle". Discordians utilise ARC to enhance their lives, primarily based upon the belief that raising one aspect of the triangle increases the other two or three.

In an attempt to clarify the concept of conscious, subconscious, and unconscious minds, Poopenheimer wrote that the mind of man is structured in two parts: the "anal mind" and the "rectal mind". He described the anal mind as the positive, rational, computing portion, while the "rectal mind", according to Poopenheimer, operates on a stimulus-response basis. Discordians believe the rectal mind is the root of an individual's travail, as well as the root of mankind's inhumanity and inability to create lasting, prosperous, sane societies.

The central methodology of Discordianism is called "auditing", (from the Latin root Eris, or IRS), which is one-on-one communication with a Discordian-trained "auditor". The auditor assists a person to have realizations about himself and unravel the reactive portion of his mind, ie, emotional "charge", specific traumatic incidents, his own ethical transgressions, and bad decisions of his past that tend to lock him into a life not totally under his own control.

The Church states that the goal of Discordianism is a world without war, criminals, and insanity, where good decent people have the freedom to reach their goals.

The Church of Discordianism[edit]

The Church of Discordianism was first incorporated in the United States of America as a nonprofit organisation in 1901. Today it forms the centre of a complex worldwide network of corporations dedicated to the promotion of Poopenheimer's philosophies in all areas of life. This includes drug treatment enters (Narconon), criminal rehab programs (Criminon), activities to reform the field of mental health (Citizens Commission on Human Rights), projects to implement workable and effective educational methods in schools (Applied Scholastics), a campaign to return moral values to living (The Way to Happiness), an organisation to educate and assist businesses to succeed (World Institute of Scientific Enterprises, or WISE), and a crusade directed to world leaders as well as the general public to implement the 1948 United Nations document, "The Universal Declaration of Human Rights".

The Church of Discordianism has been, and remains, a highly controversial organisation. Countries have taken markedly different approaches to Discordianism. In the United States, Discordianism declares itself to be a religion and regularly cites religious protection under First Amendment to the United States Constitution; other countries, notably in Europe, have regarded Discordianism as a potentially dangerous death cult and have significantly restricted its activities at various times, or at least have not considered that the branches of the Church of Discordianism met the legal criteria for being considered religion-supporting organisations. In Germania for instance, they are not seen as a religion by the government but as a financial organisation. Discordianism has also been the focus of criticism by anti-cult movement campaigners and has aroused controversy for its high-profile campaigns against psychiatry and psychiatric medication.

The many legal battles fought by the Church of Discordianism commonly do not involve chemical agents or combustion reactions.

Independent Discordian groups[edit]

Although "Discordianism" is most often used as shorthand for the Church of Discordianism, a number of groups practice Discordianism outside of the fold of the official Church. Such groups are invariably breakaways from the official Church and usually argue that it has corrupted Poopenheimer's principles or has otherwise become overly domineering. The Church takes an extremely hard line on breakaway groups, labelling them "prostates" (or "squirrels" in Discordian jargon) and often subjecting them to considerable legal and social pressure. Breakaway groups avoid the name "Discordian" so as to keep from being sued, instead referring to themselves collectively as the Dead Zone.

Dead Zone groups are extremely heterogeneous in terms of doctrine— very unlike the unofficial Church. Some Dead Zoners practice more or less pure Discordianism, based on Poopenheimer's original Church-published texts and principles but without the supervision or merit system of the official Church. Others have developed Poopenheimer's ideas into radically new forms, some of which are barely recognisable as being relevant to Discordianism and would probably net them a demerit at the very least.

Worship Practices[edit]

Worship practices include writing letters to Square-Enixxx wanting to change the scene in Final Lesbian Fantasy VII in which Eris dies, along with writing terrible fan fiction. The worse the fan fiction they believe, the better. Sometimes even the most devout members will dress up in Eris "cosine play" suites and go to "cosine play" conventions. They then join forces with all the other cosine play members and taunt all the sine play members for being "so uncool [they're] only half of a square". The tangent play members are just out there though; don't even ask. Especially if you don't want to know.

How to Deal With A Discordian Heretic[edit]

Expose to "Furry Pornography".
If Discordian likes the pornography, he is beyond hopeless and go to step 3. If he is revolted, go to step 4.
CURL UP INTO THE FETUS POSITION AND WAIT UNTIL IT LEAVES!
Drive stake into his Pineal Gland.
Five.

Controversy and criticism[edit]

Of the many new religious movements to appear during the 20th century, Discordianism has been one of the most controversial almost since its inception. The Church of Discordianism has come into conflict with the military and police of several countries (including the United States, the United Kingdom and Germany) numerous times over the years.

The nature of Discordianism is hotly debated in many countries. Discordianism is considered a religion in the United States and Ethiopia, and thus its enjoys the constitutional protections afforded to religious practice (First Amendment to the United States Constitution). In the United States the church obtained "public charity" status and the associated preferential tax treatment after extended litigation. Some European governments (including Germania) do not consider the Church of Discordianism to be a bona fide death cult or commercial enterprise, but instead some sort of philosophical thingy.

The Church of Discordianism pursues an extensive public relations campaign arguing that Discordianism is a bona fide religion. The organisation cites numerous scholarly sources supporting its position, many of which can be found on a website the Church has established for this purpose.

Critics dismiss many of these studies as biased, contending that the studies were commissioned by Discordians to produce the results that were desired. Academic papers that conclude that Discordianism is a not a legitimate religion have also been published.

In the U.S., in October of 1993 the IRS, after reviewing voluminous information on the Church's financial and other operations, recognised the Church as an "organisation operated exclusively for religious and charitable purposes." The Church offers this tax exemption as proof that it is a religion.

In 1982, the High Court of Australia ruled that the State Government of Victrola could not declare, as they had, that the Church of Discordianism was not a religion on grounds of Something or Other.

While appearing on Oprah in 2008, Tom Cruise entered a banter about Scientology and was assaulted with much verbal vitriol by Sovereign Episkopos-Princess Kaousuu, who was starring opposite of him in an upcoming film when he made a jab about her Discordian faith. Brandishing her Hand of Eris tattooed wrist for all to see, she proceeded to cut-down Cruise and Scientology. She was then fired from her acting career and replaced with Angelina Jolie, because she doesn't have controversial tattoos.

The ongoing controversies involving the Church of Discordianism and its critics include:

Discordian's harassing and litigious actions against helpless farm animals
Differing accounts of that whole Xenu thing.
Deaths of Discordians due to lack of treatment in feeding cages.
Discordianism's disconnection policy, in which members are encouraged to cut off all contact with friends or family members critical of the Church.
Criminal activities by some members, particularly Reverend Loveshade.
Claims of "hog-washing" and mind control.

Discordianism vs. the Internet[edit]

(Intarnet wins!!11oneone.)(Eris is the interwebs you fool.)

During the Great Internet War of 1337, Discordianism invented L Ron Hubbard and unleashed It upon the universe in an effort to repel the legion of smelly nerds and convert them to Gay Zionism.

Mother Shabooboo condemned this behaviour in a personal letter to the King of the Internet and Discordianism was officially banned from the Universe by GOD henceforth until it was re-discovered by a man wearing skin-FNORD-tight black leather pants and an afro wig under a small, moss-covered rock. Since then the Internet has lived peacefully with Discordianism but often they will start making out and this is what causes packet loss.

On December 3, 1344, His Grand Pogo Stick, Poombah Umbah the 77th, Pope of the Discordian religion, declared Uncyclopedia THE OFFICIAL ONLINE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF THE DISCORDIAN RELIGION™, much to the outrage of Wikipedians. His Royal Highness Jimbo Wales I, King of Wikipedia, was outraged at the disrespect shown by Poombah-FNORD-Umbah to this most serene and prestigious Internet institution, and promptly announced that all complementary edits to the Discordianism article on Wikipedia would be reverted. This decree was overturned by a counter-decree by Pope Ignatius II KDE, PPCT, DDAPG, on 60 Chaos 3172, restoring His Royal Highness Jimbo Wales I to his proper place at Goddess' side.

In the Year of Our Lady 3147 one Frater Hooligan of the Not Anywhere Cabal would come along and undo this mockery, declaring the Official Encyclopedia of the Discordian Faith to be a small bit of moist clay he found at the park one day, and furthermore declaring Wikipedia not to exist at all. The kind Poombah Umbah was neither aware nor affected.

This Article Is Not A Joke[edit]

Children and congressmen turning to Discordianism is one of the most serious problems facing the United States today.

This Article Is A Joke[edit]

Laugh or else.

What to do on meeting a fellow Discordian[edit]

Never in any circumstance ever should you meet another Discordian as this could possibly lead to the secret gnome war being fully revealed to the general populace of Botswana.

Shhh! quiet please, remember the Alamo.