Green Lantern
Green Lantern is the wielder of the Bling Ring, an all powerful alien artifact created by an enlightened race of creepy, blue alien little people who spent their first millennium of peace and prosperity searching for the perfect high. He first appeared in the pages of Blaxploitation Comics.
History[edit]
Their quest for the perfect high and refusal to get regular nine to five jobs pissed off their wives and girlfriends to the point they moved out and formed a separate species, thus cursing the creepy blue alien old dudes to depend on their robot butlers for all eternity as their eternal punishment for never taking out the trash, vacuuming, mowing the lawn, or doing laundry or the dishes. The Creepy Blue Dudes (who prefer calling themselves the Guardians of Everything) couldn't figure out how to properly repair their malfunctioning murder machines, so they created the Bling Rings to lure in unpaid volunteers to the Green Lantern Corps to clean up their messes, so they'd still never have to lift a finger. The Green Lantern Corps, however, like all unsupervised work forces, spend most of their time screwing around offsite.
One particular lazy Green Lantern, Abin Sur, was hiding out after faking a sprained ring finger to collect Workmen's Comp. Ironically, while on Earth he did sprain his finger in a kegger accident, and was promptly dissected when he visited a local hospital for treatment. Just before being hacked open by curious scientists, Abin Sur sensed the latent funk soul power in the hospital's janitor, Dave Chapelle, and passed his ring on to him.
Dave Chapelle, like all Earth people, knew how to use advanced alien technology better than any of the stupid aliens that invented it in the first place did, and upon becoming the Green Lantern for our sector ( whatever the hell a sector is ), vowed to use his powers to uphold justice and goodness. To this end he founded the Justice League, fought lots of super villains, and slept with as many beautiful white women as possible.
Today the Green Lantern stands proudly as one of the coolest but most ignored superheroes. His exploits are often overlooked by most of the mainstream media, while a clip of Wonder Woman sneezing gets airplay on at least 5 cable news channels.
Other Green Lanterns[edit]
Many have tried, and failed, to live up to the Green Lantern name brand.
- Sodomy Att: Best green lantern ever. Even Jackie Chan is afraid of him!
- Alien Scotch: A hobo in the 1930's just riding the rails who discovered a magic asteroid that fell in China hundreds of years ago and was crafted into a green flame lantern which he could use to make a shanty town out of glowing emerald energy.
- Mike "Hal" Jordan: Is seldom shown in the comic series, except when he is stealing product placement jobs from the real GL. Loves 13 year old girls that are really 232 (earth) years old just look 13. Sodomy Att is even afraid of him. The most awesome GL in existence.
- Kyle Rayner: Another government stooge who's tried to steal the Green Lantern's flavor. Would change his costume every time Green Lantern whooped his ass in an attempt to make people believe he was somebody else. Nobody was fooled, and eventually all of his loved ones committed suicide by locking themselves inside of a refrigerator.
- Gay Gardener: Convinced the government that only a "fly white Guy" could take Green Lantern down and got his ass whooped like everyone else. Is believed by many to be loosely based on rapper Vanilla Ice. He is most famous for mouthing off to Batman and being downed after one punch. Mooned Batman, got a Batarang upside his ass.
- Jon Stewart: While working as a Construction worker(His life's secret passion). Jon was approached by Mike "Hal" Jordan (Earth's then present Green Lantern). Jordan Told Jon that because of his tremendous willpower struggling to make a living doing stand up and his ability to work with Stephen Colbert, he had been selected by The Guardians of The Universe to become Earth's new Green Lantern. Though reluctant at first Jon accepted, and was quickly trained in the ways of The Green Lantern Power Ring. Eventually Jon was a full member of The Green Lantern Corps, and had many adventures across space, though upon his coming back to Earth he realized that he had been replaced by Trevor Noah as host of The Daily Show, and Kyle Rayner as Earth's primary Green Lantern.
- Kilowog: Hal Jordan's pet hippo who became a Green Lantern too! They did a lot of stupid shit like this back in the Silver Age.
- Ch'p: Earth Rodent turned superhero as a Green Lantern.... Seriously.
- Ryan Reynolds: After Wesley Snipes took the heat for Ryan killing the X-Men movies in Wolverine Origins, Reynolds stayed on the outside, but also out of a job. Superman had just gotten deported by NASA for not paying child support (see Superman Returns), so DC comics was willing to take a gamble on a new CGI muscle suit, as long as it wasn't on Wonder Woman. Unfortunately Ryan's ring turned out to be more like Frodo's and it made him invisible to audiences.
Green Lantern Villains[edit]
- Sinestro: A pink alien with a swollen head (hint hint) and a British accent who got mad that Green Lantern sexed up his sister. Is considered to be Green Lantern's arch-nemesis (after white people in general). Sinestro recently decided to hand out yellow-colored Bling Rings, like the Guardians of the Universe handed out green Bling Rings in the backs of cereal boxes, even though there is only one true GL! He didn't realize, however, that GL no longer has a weakness to yellow things. He is currently taking a job as an office temp to pay off the loan he took out to pay for the rings, and got Mark Strong to portray him in GL's biopic, Let The Records Show You Asked For It.
- Black Hand: A honkey who had a black man's hand surgically grafted to his arm, in hopes of it improving his basketball and fighting ability. Gets whooped by Green Lantern when the writers think they're using Sinestro too much. He recently gained the ability to kill any white people with the touch of his black hand. Of course, GL has to stop him, because the less white people alive, the less asses there are to whoop. He us now super sized to be a Black Lantern herald of death in Blackest Night.
- Dr. Polaris: A disgruntled X-Men fanboy who incorrectly believes he is a mutant with magnetic powers. Typically throws refrigerator magnets at Green Lantern until he gets tired of it and whoops his ass.
- Goldface: "He's the man, the man with the Midas touch, a spider's touch." Goldface is a villain who doesn't do much of anything, except be colored gold. Green Lantern's Bling Ring used to have no power over anything colored yellow, but he whooped the color spectrum's ass until it gave in, so now he can affect any color in the universe. Goldface gets his ass handed to him like everybody else.
- Hector Hammond: A mutated computer geek who traded being able to move for mental powers. Damn! Talk about mental! He can't get it on with any of the ho's! Hates Green Lantern 'cause Lantern got GAME and he don't! He often tries to live through GL's mind, but GL just whoops his cripple ass.
- Yellow: Coldplay IS kryptonite!
- Wood: Only an enemy of Alien Scotch but still..... Come on!!!
- Larfleeze/Agent Orange: The only vaguely awesome character in the comics. A satanic warthog/baboon/camel thingie with an orange ring that embodies Ayn Rand's principles of Objectivism to the fullest. Can kill people and resurrect them as orange light constructs.
- Atrocitus: A revolting slob who suffers from chronic indigestion after too many Bloody Marys. He likes to ralph up his cocktail-flavoured acid on GL, which gets him mad as a cut snake. Just like Doomguy, Atrocitus is on a rampage because GL killed his pet cat.
Jurisdiction[edit]
Although they carry the ultimate weapon, the Green Lanterns have jurisdiction over one of the 3600 voting districts of the universe, making them spread as thinly throughout space as a two dimensional Dirac sea. There's a number of trans galactic empires and planet wide dictatorships, like on Apokolips and War World, but their possession of WMD's ensures little action is made by the corps. If there's a war between say the feline evolved Tamaranian barbarians and the lawful bird winged people of Thanagar they won't stop them, to the lanterns that would be like stopping all the bears and mountain lions from hunting, they even maintain wildlife preserves for Xenomorphs. The Lanterns let Krypton explode and Rann be desertified by nuclear war, they let plague spread across Mars and Superman has a zoo filled with nearly extinct animals from worlds they abandoned. Don't expect them to shield the cities from a terrestrially bound worlds when their breaking up giant asteroids and fighting space pirates on the hyperspace highway; so if you want someone with more than a few thousand personnel to be breathing down your neck at all times watching your world 24/7, or whatever the rotation cycle there is, than call those independence hating communists at Starfleet.
The Lantern Corps has also been involved with a longstanding inter dimensional copyright infringement lawsuit with the Nova Corps over the exclusive use of the term super hero space police.
The Oath[edit]
Green Lantern didn't really have to say anything to activate his ring, but got into the habit of reciting a ditty to put his adversaries on notice:
- You who is wicked, evil and mean,
- I'm the nastiest brutha you've ever seen!
- Come one, come all, put up a fight,
- I'll pound ya'll cripple asses with Green Lantern's light!
He is usually accompanied by a chorus of random men singing: "Go Lantern! Go Lantern!" or sexy female back-up singers who repeat whatever Isaac Hayes says in his omnipresent jazzy introductions.
See Also[edit]
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