Bob the Builder
Robert Wayne Johnson, commonly known as Bob the Builder (August 18, 1952 - October 31, 2010), was a disgraced construction worker and full-time public liability.
A man who proved that OSHA regulations are more of a suggestion than a lifestyle, he holds the dubious honor of being the first fugitive ever apprehended posthumously on America’s Most Wanted, after being fatally flattened by a Paddy Wagon on live television in what remains the show’s most-viewed, most-complained-about, and most legally complicated episode. His demise was attributed to his unusually compact frame, heroic commitment to unhealthy living, and a stubborn refusal to cooperate with law enforcement, gravity, or basic self-preservation.
Had he survived - despite medical consensus that his brain would have been operating in Windows 95 Safe Mode for the rest of eternity - Bob would have faced additional charges including unlicensed contracting, resisting arrest, public indecency, reckless use of a hard hat, and accessory to the suspicious disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa.
Hoffa is widely rumored to have been entombed inside the concrete of a bridge Bob constructed in the San Francisco Bay Area during the 1970s, making Bobert not only a builder, but also a pioneer in load-bearing organized crime.
His legacy lives on in unfinished projects, questionable zoning decisions, and at least three bridges that hum ominously when it rains.
The Life and Times of "Bob" (1952–2010)[edit]
Beginnings (1952–1957)[edit]
Born in Gary, Indiana in 1952, Bob was nicknamed by childhood friends who found “Robert Wayne Johnson” too long to scream while running away from him. The earliest years of his life remain poorly documented, largely because everyone involved has either disappeared, lawyered up, or refuses to talk about it. Surviving family members recall him as quiet, oddly intense, and disturbingly interested in heavy machinery, often spending hours staring at power tools like a medieval knight admiring a sacred relic. His first words are rumored to have been "Can we fix it?", followed shortly by "Who will stop me?"
By age five, Bob had already been banned from three playgrounds, two hardware stores, and one church renovation project. Rumors persist that Bob briefly associated with Michael Jackson during childhood. No further details are provided here, mostly because no one wants to be legally responsible for finishing that sentence.
The Christmas Killer (1957–1970)[edit]
In 1957, at the tender age of five, Bob received what many historians consider the worst Christmas gift in modern history: an axe, lovingly presented by his father Richard, a well-respected ex–New York firefighter who tragically underestimated both his son and basic cause-and-effect. Eager to embrace the festive spirit, Bob immediately used the axe to chop down a tree in their front yard. What began as wholesome holiday cheer swiftly escalated into a catastrophic case study in structural negligence, as the falling tree crushed their house, demolished the property, and killed everyone inside. Due to his young age, Bob could not legally be charged with manslaughter, though public opinion ruled that he was absolutely guilty in spirit. From that day forward, the traumatized child was branded "The Christmas Killer," a title that followed him more faithfully than any guardian ever would. Now completely alone in the world, Bob entered a long period of exile, during which he devoted himself to studying The Art of Construction by Sun Tzu, interpreting the ancient military text as a how-to manual for emotional suppression and property damage.
Upon reaching puberty, Bob became physically unrecognizable - though tragically, his reputation remained load-bearing. Determined to transform lifelong stigma into upward mobility, he vowed to use his hard-earned knowledge to build a better life, dedicating himself entirely to his studies, personal reinvention, and never celebrating Christmas again under any circumstances.
The Construction Begins (1970–1979)[edit]
By 1970, the world had changed. The air was thick with hippie ideals, free love, and substances that strongly discouraged responsible decision-making. The Beatles were the biggest thing since sliced bread, and Bob, now 18 years old, had legally evolved into what society generously classifies as a man. Rebranding himself as "Bob the Builder" - a title bestowed by equal parts confidence and trademark infringement - he abandoned Indiana and relocated to San Francisco, California, determined to reinvent himself through hard work, heavy machinery, and morally flexible construction practices.
Through a combination of ambition, questionable contracts, and structurally adventurous design choices, Bob rose to become one of the most affluent figures in his profession, commanding top-dollar rates and inspiring both admiration and routine safety audits. His success eventually earned him his own television program, where audiences marveled at his ability to erect buildings without immediately facing criminal charges. It was during this golden age of prosperity that Bob met Wendy, the icing on the proverbial cake, and the only known person willing to emotionally tolerate him at scale. The two soon married, marking a brief and historically significant period in which life was good for young Bob. For a fleeting moment, he appeared to have escaped his past, conquered his demons, and built a stable future - a structural flaw that fate would soon classify as a catastrophic oversight.
Then, as the decade turned, the unexpected happened...
The Demolition Phase (1980–1995)[edit]
By early 1980, the crushing pressure of living a picture-perfect life, combined with decades of unresolved childhood trauma and poor decision-making, finally caught up with Bob. Co-workers reported seeing him engaged in deep conversation with an Excavator, to which Bob later claimed the machine had issued the prophetic warnings: "Cancel the series" and "All is futile." Interpreting this as either a mechanical malfunction or divine intervention, Bob soon entered a catatonic state and was rushed to the hospital, where doctors diagnosed him with Schizophrenia - later upgrading the diagnosis to include Bipolar Disorder, because one catastrophic label simply wasn’t enough. He was prescribed heavy medication for the remainder of his life - a treatment plan he honored in spirit rather than practice.
By 1982, Bob’s personal life had begun to resemble one of his construction projects: loud, unstable, and increasingly condemned. After repeated incidents of domestic conflict, he was finally arrested in 1984, convicted, and sentenced to 100 hours of Community Service, narrowly avoiding prison - his only alternative aside from an existential crisis and a legally mandated "You need to say sorry." In 1988, Bob was arrested again for Public Indecency, after exposing himself on live television, an event that critics described as "bold," "career-ending," and "entirely unnecessary." His TV show was promptly canceled, proving that even in the 1980s, there were limits.
Granted yet another undeserved second chance, Bob attempted a comeback through guest appearances on Bob Vila’s Home Again, starring in the recurring segment Bob & Bob, a concept best described as "structural tension with power tools." This partnership ended in 1993, after Bob struck Vila with a 2x4 during a politically charged outburst - reportedly triggered by the election of Bill Clinton and Vila’s suspected democratic leanings. Bob was escorted off the set by security, and in 1995, following a lengthy trial, was ordered to pay restitution for his actions along with a lifetime ban from all future television appearances.
Rock Bottom, the "Combine Incident", and Imprisonment (1996–2010)[edit]
By 1996, Bob was 44 years old, broke, frequently intoxicated, and mentally deteriorating at industrial scale. His record now included drug offenses, domestic incidents, and a growing cloud of rumors alleging ties to the Mafia, possible involvement in the Jimmy Hoffa disappearance, and the shocking revelation that his construction license may have never existed at all. Some conspiracy theorists even claim the name "Bob the Builder" originated not from television branding, but as a Cosa Nostra codename - roughly translating to "the guy who makes problems disappear in concrete." With Bob now widely regarded as a "mixed bag of tricks," Wendy finally reached her limit. After 20 years of marriage, she filed for divorce, citing "irreconcilable differences," a legal term meaning "absolutely not."
Attributing his unraveling to his long-buried childhood trauma, Bob sought professional help. When that help failed to materialize - either due to bureaucracy, budget cuts, or fear - Bob finally snapped. In the early morning hours of September 11, 1996, Bob was discovered wandering the California countryside, having fully transitioned from troubled ex-celebrity to rural menace. He trespassed onto the property of a local farmer, reportedly sprinting through a barrage of gunfire with a level of determination that scientists later described as "physically improbable given his short, portly build." According to eyewitnesses, Bob appeared drawn to a Combine Harvester sitting in the field, which he claimed looked "almost in wait," like a divine chariot sent specifically for poor decisions.
Against all expectations - and several laws of physics - Bob reached the machine, climbed aboard, and began singing what sounded like his own theme song, adding a musical element to what would soon become one of the least festive agricultural incidents in American history. Insisting he was merely "letting off steam," Bob proceeded to drive the Combine through anything - and anyone - he deemed spiritually offensive for nearly an hour, until a concerned citizen finally called 911, requesting law enforcement and possibly an exorcist.
Police eventually disabled the harvester by spiking its treads, cornering Bob at last. Upon capture, he reportedly collapsed into tears, sobbing "like a baby who had just been denied a demolition permit." Bob was subsequently sentenced to five consecutive life terms in prison, with no possibility of parole. During his incarceration, Bob allegedly attempted to redesign the prison for "better structural flow", start a rehabilitation program centered on anger management and drywall, and convince guards that the bars of his cell were load-bearing illusions. All proposals were denied.
Escape From Prison and Death (2010)[edit]
On Hallows’ Eve, 2010, Bob executed his legendary prison escape, an event loosely adapted from The Shawshank Redemption, most notably with the absence of dignity, hope, or a beachside reunion between mixed races in Mexico. Less than one hour after escaping, Bob was discovered in the bathroom of a 7-Eleven, still wearing his prison jumpsuit, romantically entangled with an employee. The employee was promptly arrested for failing to report a fugitive after Bob heard sirens and shoved them out of the bathroom, still half-naked. Spotting an opportunity amid the confusion, Bob bolted, triggering a full-scale manhunt involving foot pursuit, patrol cars, helicopters, and attack dogs - an operational response typically reserved for escaped war criminals and discontinued fast-food mascots.
Bob reportedly believed he was home free, having survived prison, law enforcement, and over half a century of himself. In a final twist of cosmic irony, he would be proven wrong, as he tripped and fell directly in front of a speeding Paddy Wagon. The driver never saw him, and Bob was run over on live television, dying almost instantly at the age of 58, bringing closure to law enforcement, television executives, and several long-suffering building inspectors. His death was ultimately attributed to his unusually compact frame, poor physical condition, and a lifelong refusal to obey authority, common sense, or gravity. Consequently, he went on to become the first fugitive in history to be captured posthumously on America’s Most Wanted. In a controversial move for the program, his corpse would be displayed uncensored, on network television, in full view, on its "15 Seconds of Shame" segment.
Bob was interred at the exact location of his death, serving as a permanent reminder that actions have consequences. His legacy now stands as a cautionary tale encouraging future generations to manage their trauma, respect zoning laws, avoid farm equipment, and generally try not to become a nationally televised felony.
The Rise, Fall, and Rise Again of Bob, the Movie (2011–2026)[edit]
On the anniversary of Bob’s death - October 31, 2011, because even his corpse deserved a Halloween special - Clint Eastwood, via the Malpaso Company, released a biographical film chronicling the chaotic existence of Robert Wayne Johnson. The movie was boldly titled Bob, proving once and for all that naming things is harder than making them.
Sadly, the film’s budget was roughly equivalent to a foreclosed starter home in Kentucky, allegedly because Marvel had already siphoned off Hollywood’s entire GDP to finance its latest CGI-saturated merchandising opportunity. This forced savage production cutbacks, including bargain-bin sets, emotionally hollow performances, and at least one pivotal scene reenacted with papier-mâché and broken dreams. Unsurprisingly, the film premiered to overwhelming indifference.
Refusing to accept artistic humiliation or financial ruin, Eastwood - deep into his 80s and fueled by righteous fury and outdated masculinity - launched a cross-country bank-robbing spree to bankroll a re-release. Armed with his legendary .44 Magnum (because subtlety is for cowards), he terrorized financial institutions nationwide under an assumed alias, rumored to be "Dirty Harry, But With Studio Notes." Authorities failed to apprehend him, largely out of fear and professional respect. By 2017, Eastwood had successfully accumulated the necessary funds through sheer intimidation and pensioner-induced chaos.
Full-scale production on the re-release commenced in early 2018 but was repeatedly delayed due to factors including the COVID-19 pandemic, logistical nightmares, and an exhaustive, soul-crushing search for a life-size human who perfectly resembled a clay sculpture of Johnson. After accepting that no mortal being was cursed enough to meet this requirement, Eastwood pivoted to cutting-edge AI technology to digitally resurrect a sufficiently uncanny substitute.
In 2026, against all rational expectations, ethical guidelines, and several international laws, Bob was finally re-released to massive critical acclaim - praised as a technological breakthrough, an emotional powerhouse, and the most violently overfunded nostalgia project in cinematic history. A true requiem for Johnson’s legacy - and a reminder that Clint Eastwood should never be given both a firearm and a film budget.