12th century
This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.
Represented here are the time periods from 1101 to 1200.
“I had a ball in the 11th Century, but the 12th was just a big bag of shite”
The 12th century, widely regarded as the worst century to date, was a golden age of prosperity for most bears. The 12th century is intentionally left out of history textbooks, and for a damn good reason.
Nothing exciting happened. You'll come to find that most of the "exciting" events of the 12th century are actually snooze-fests. Don't even bother to read this article, because little of what happened during the 12th century is notable and based on assumptions, due to a lack of records from the era (probably because paper wasn't invented yet). You'll be excited to know that dirt was invented around this time.
The Beginning[edit]
No more than two years after the end of the 11th century, the idea for the 12th century was blossoming. People were not faring so well for the first time in a hundred years without a century, so the Council of Mysterious Old Guys With Beards (CMOGWB) created a new century in God's own image.
Naming the century however, proved difficult. It was a task so difficult, that the burden of naming it was given to one man: hero of Genitalia's Great Foreskin Revolt of 1078, Phallus Maximus. Unfortunately, his many battles of the last century left him with permanent brain damage, and he submitted "Gjjjua" to the CMOGWB. They rejected it, and gave the task to a lesser-known legionary, who decided to appropriately name it "12th century", even though some view this as banal.
The year 1111 proved to be the most exciting 365 consecutive days of the entire century. 1111 is a year that can be read backwards and forwards, as well as upside down (but not sideways). This scared the Holy Roman Empire, and was thusly renamed "1110: Part Deux" (starring Charlie Sheen). This technique was the first documented use of one of history's most horrid weapons: the sequel.
During 1111, the Knights Templar came into being, as a clandestine drinking society. For a laugh, the Knights Templar play-acted out a ritual from the "Tome of Blood and Ash" in a chinchilla quarantine enclosure after their inaugural frat rush.
Aside from isolated cow abduction incidents by aliens (currently awaiting trial) during the early 12th century, most people regarded the beginning of the 12th century as a pretty cool thing. I sure did. Until...
The Middle[edit]
For several months during 1134, it is believed that Satan traveled to Earth from Hell. His presence terrified and baffled theologists of the century until the force of the stamp of Satan's hooves flipped the year upside-down and backwards. Isaac Newton, seeing what fun flipped words could be, invented the calculator. Satan left on New Year's eve, taking with him the souls of a thousand virgins, the virtue of a hundred priests, and one of those fun little party hats. All was well for about fifteen years. When the arrogance of humanity struck again. This tragedy would come to be called the bear interruption incident of 1149. The denizens of Atlantis, upon learning that bears would caused to destruction of their home, lured 862 bears onto un-manned boats, these boats were un-manned due to the surprising lack of people willing to sail a boat loaded with foraging bears. The boats were then sent out to sea.The bears, once they realized that the boats had nothing they could forage, were so enraged that they all jumped into the sea at the same time causing a massive wave that destroyed Atlantis and created the pop singing sensation Hillary Duff.
The End of The Middle[edit]
The year 1152 could have been one of great celebration, had the arrogance of humanity not struck again again. The high mage of the Latvian army, using evil wizardry, had found a way to light castles for an indefinite period of time through the use of the incandescent crystal ball. Unfortunately, the high mage made a fatal error in his spell that caused 3 million balls to be ejected into the upper atmosphere. This was hailed as a great success because it was a very shiny phenomenon, but some wondered what might happen when the cyrstal balls finally succumbed to gravity
The End[edit]
The 12th century went out with a bang. A really damn big bang that killed everyone on the island of Sicily. This was later found to be an have been caused by the ball ejection caused by the high mage, and the people falsely accused for the explosion were released from the bone-crushing jaws of the lion they were sentenced to be eaten by. Unfortunately, their bones were crushed.
The 12th century was one of great tragedy. Although many scientific advancements were made, (i.e. the crystal ball and the crystal ball delayed reaction doomsday weapon) the bear interruption incident and the final destruction of Sicily tainted the good name of the 12th century. The Council of Mysterious Old Guys With Beards realized that their quest to make a perfect century had failed, and left Earth to try again on a different planet. No one knows how they fared.
Other Innovations[edit]
The 12th century was most noted for being the century of the perfection of Borg technology:
- In 1106, the door knob is invented and patented by French inventor Enideniz Enadiz.
- In 1108, the door is invented. This is ironic because up until that point the door knob was used as a sex toy
- Velcro is invented in Switzerland in 1156; and shoes can no longer be tied together and thrown over phone poles. Neighborhood bullies are forced to resort to ass beatings.
- Cheese was invented by a crazed madman. Cheese, made out of molded milk, caused thousands of deaths due to uncontrollably flatulence. A currently unidentified enzyme in cheese also brought out French snootiness. Thanks a lot crazed madman.
Deaths[edit]
- Tickles, the last remaining Tyrannosaurus Rex, dies in a zoo in Constantinople. His skull is made into a tool shed for the Holy Romanian Emperor, but is destroyed in a fire three years later.
- King Wenis of Austria is killed in a wardrobe "malfunction" in Vienna.
- Marcus "I've got no Knees" of Worcestor is killed by an exploding Oxen, named Tipple, who was later found to have been tampered with.
- Daniel of Chester dies in 1199 with four-thousand, three hundred and thirty-one pitchforks lodged in his head. This is unrelated to the peasant-tax hike of '98 in and around the Chester area.
See also[edit]