UnNews:2016 Donald Trump campaign

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UnNews Special —
Donald Trump's 2016 campaign
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America elects Trump President
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Americans went to vote at the polls in large numbers, clogging up not just voting systems but the Canadian immigration website as Donald Trump came from behind.

The day was a series of screw-ups, most notably that the closing time for polls was several hours later than the opening time for bars, added to by an unfortunate effort to attract millennials uninterested in either 70-year-old candidate by putting legalization of pot on the same ballot. Full story»

Most Americans think Trump was elected
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Nearly 3 in 4 Americans told pollsters that they believe Donald Trump was elected President. Those who disagree said it is probably not worth shooting a policeman over.

The results involved 865 adults or children trying to make their voices deeper, adjusted by discarding enough Republicans to give an accurate portrayal — the same process pollsters had used to predict a Hillary Clinton landslide. Full story»

God assures Trump of continuing sunrises
ST. PETER'S GATE -- The Heavenly Father has given "airtight" assurances to Donald Trump that the sun will not stop rising, at least not before his inauguration. Trump tweeted: My friend God sez sun not Mexico-bound! Good God!

Trump jawboned the Almighty following tweets to Ford Motor Company not to pull out of Kentucky. But it is the Focus, built in Dearborn, that Ford was moving to San Luis Potosí, Mexico, and even that factory was staying open, to block unemployment claims by ex-workers. Full story»

USA to be renamed Trump Nation
WASHINGTON, Trump City -- United States President-elect Donald Trump is ready to implement a "name change" for the country when he takes office next January.

"George Washington had our capital city named after him, and an entire state, to boot. I am so much greater than he is — I can't tell you how great, you'll see — that I ought to get naming rights to the entire nation. Trump Nation. Sounds catchy, doesn't it? Sounds real good. America First, Trump Firster." Full story»

Trump discovers need for 4000 aides
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Donald Trump has just learned that he will have to appoint roughly 4000 aides.

"Mr. Trump had been planning to simply have his people at Trump Tower commute to Washington for a few days and tie up loose ends," said campaign manager Kellyanne Conway. "How many people could it take to make America great again?" Full story»

Actress won't leave US after all
HOLLYWOOD, California -- (Gnome-speakernotes.svg listen) Lena Dunham has reneged on a vow to leave the United States if Donald Trump were elected, despite eager group-funding by talk radio to buy her a one-way ticket.

Dunham, who portrays a girl on HBO's comedy series Girls, must now explain what has changed between the time she called Trump a "steak salesman" to now, as he is about to be sworn in as Steak-Salesman-in-Chief. Full story»

Statins to blame for Trump victory
SAN DIEGO, California -- Doctors have blamed extensive statin use across a declining middle-aged, middle-class America for Donald Trump’s late-onset victory in the Presidential elections.

The victory of Donald Trump has been diagnosed as nothing less than a full-blown myocardial infarction for the Constitution, defibrillation for the Demographic and acute angina to all those First Lady wannabees. Full story»

Memes to fill Trump cabinet
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A parade of website memes is jockeying to be selected for positions in the Trump cabinet.

John Bolton, owner of one of the seven Mustaches of Legend, TV economist Larry Kudlow, and veteran minor-league baseball manager Sal Fasano are all on the short list for positions of power. All that remains is to see if Oscar Wilde himself can be exhumed and convinced to over-stay a U.S. visa to help "Make America Great Again." Full story»

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