UnNews:US candidates under investigation

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Wednesday, December 6, 2023, 18:07:59 (UTC)

US candidates under investigation UnNews Logo Potato.png

3 June 2016

The candidate has taken to wearing dark glasses to avoid recognition by her admiring crowds...

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- America's exactly two credible political parties now have one credible investigation apiece.

Republican jillionaire and casino magnate Donald Trump is being investigated over claims that Trump University promised that prospective students would learn the "secrets" of his business success — in more detail than just calling your competitors liars — for the price of a college education, rather than the price of a dog-eared paperback self-help book on the discount rack (generally, $1).

Meanwhile, likeable and inevitable Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton is being investigated for her claims that she had U.S. Government permission to operate a cabinet-level agency of the U.S. Government off a server having nothing to do with the U.S. Government; that nothing on it contained classified information, that the 30,000 emails that she and Huma and the gals deleted were purely personal, and that they had had no indication that anyone was hacking into the server, least of all Russia and Iran, when they twice shut it down. Her trusted aides have been taking the Fifth as though they suddenly worked for the IRS.

...while the other candidate has crowded her all the way off Prime Time.

The candidates' staffs have each expressed concern over the investigations; depending on the directions they take, they might have the result of planting a suggestion in voters' minds [sic] that their favorite candidate might be less than truthful. As ex-President Richard Nixon expressed it so well: "The people have got to know that their President is not a crook!" And he was an expert on the topic.

Both campaigns have been trying to get investigators to open a case file on the Johnson/Weld ticket of the Libertarian Party — or at least to quit rolling their eyes at the requests.

The campaigns have also turned their attention to one another, Ms. Clinton on Thursday suggesting that Mr. Trump is a threat to the New World Order, and Mr. Trump responding that Ms. Clinton belongs in jail. Happily, as the last eight years have shown in spades, the federal government is strictly limited in powers, so a winner of the Presidential contest cannot simply get what he wants by signing a decree. For example, Democrat challenger Bernie Sanders conceded during a debate, regarding his signature vow for the last six months to "break up the big banks," that the government actually can't do any such thing, though he will find a way.

In a possible way out of the dilemma, publisher William Kristolnacht has revealed that David French is the man whom fellow National Review columnists have voted to nominate as a fourth-party candidate, on the ballot in the dozen-or-so states where it is not already too late to file. Unlike the other parties including the 2016 Libertarians, Mr. French will have a detailed platform based on principled ideas, which can be read on-line by any paid-up subscriber. He will also be well-funded, as the magazine's entire coffee fund will be put at his disposal.


UnNews Logo Potato.png
This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.