UnNews:GOP warns America the "vote" was merely advisory

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
(audio) UnNews Audio (file info)
Listen to this story!
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
Democracy Dies with Dignity ✪ UnNews ✪ Tuesday, December 3, 2024, 18:10:59 (UTC)
GOP warns America the "vote" was merely advisory UnNews Logo Potato.png

21 March 2016

Republicans, gleeful about running against someone who will be wearing a cankle bracelet, must remember the GOP's time-tested ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

HOOPLE, North Dakota -- Republicans should abandon the notion that their votes for President will matter, according to Curly Haugland, a convention delegate from North Dakota who is not bound to vote for anyone in particular. "The media has created the perception that the voters choose the nominee," he said. In fact, the convention makes the choice. But the GOP spokesman said it was nice that voters read all those postcards, got up from dinner to listen to robo-dialed recordings, drove to the polls, and stood in line.

Gary Emineth, another unhinged delegate from North Dakota, allowed that there may be other states in the Union, and some might bind their delegates to vote a certain way on the first ballot. But even they are free to vote their "consciences" on subsequent ballots. "Ryan, Romney, Huckabee, Santorum, McCain, they all could win a floor vote," Emineth said, if nothing else. Bob Dole makes firmer decisions than anyone since Bill Clinton, and even Jebbers could make a surprise comeback.

The uncommitted delegation from this unpopulated state will have to decide between falling in line behind Donald Trump, who because of vanity campaigns like Marco Rubio's, will arrive in Cleveland just short of the 1237-vote majority. Or they can vote for Wendell Willkie or Vermin Supreme and lock it up for a second ballot, in which they'd have real power. They could crown whomever has the best open bar, buys them the finest meal, showers them with door prizes, or promises to give their state's most useless politicians powerful Cabinet positions.

Given this vital decision between clarity and skullduggery, Haugland said we should remember we are talking about Republicans. He noted that all the finalists have high negative ratings. Donald Trump refers to women as pigs, Ted Cruz called his Majority Leader a liar, and John Kasich treats every other American as a fool. They might all be right, but Haugland said that the "will of the people" may have to give way to selecting a candidate to suit Hillary Clinton's allies at the networks, who are far better name-callers.

The focus of treachery will be the convention rules. In 2012, Romney's forces changed Rule 40(b) to freeze out any nominee who had not won seven states. Though this was to shut up Ron Paul, it now makes both alternatives to Trump illegal. Happily, Republicans only decide the rules of the card game after looking at their own hands. The Rules Committee may also rethink the convention's use of the huge House of Representatives rulebook, which among other things, prohibits a Point of Order except on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Keeping the House rulebook would be vital training for candidates in voting for and signing laws they could never hope to read.

Haugland pointed to an election in Britain to name a new Arctic icebreaker, in which the popular favorite, Boaty McBoatface, will have to give way to the choice of experts in ship naming. But Haugland said that McBoatface sounds to him like a fine write-in President.

Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:GOP_warns_America_the_%22vote%22_was_merely_advisory&oldid=6172697"