UnNews:Trump and Mexicans agree on border wall

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? ✪ UnNews ✪ Friday, April 19, 2024, 19:24:59 (UTC)
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31 August 2016

The renegotiated border wall is a relief to residents of western Texas in their quest to be free from Austin, as well as citizens of Chihuahua who will finally be separated from Mexico City.

MEXICO CITY -- U.S. Presidential candidate Donald Trump met with Mexican president Enrique Peña Ñietõ to flesh out the terms of the notorious wall on the border between the two countries that Trump has always promised that Mexico is going to pay for.

Trump, being a master negotiator, got his Mexican counterpart to agree to pay 100% of the cost of the new barrier. Trump gave him the endearing nickname of "Greasy Ricky." Peña Ñietõ, for his part, used the traditional Spanish honorific title and referred to Trump as "♪♪ don Don. ♪♪"

In the compromise, Trump conceded to the Mexican demand that the route be altered slightly. The new alignment runs from Churchill, Manitoba to the Tierra del Fuego. Changing the route for the border wall is comparable to an astonishing explanation from recently promoted Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway that Trump has not abandoned his signature position against border amnesty but has merely changed all its words.

Trump (left) and Peña walk to dinner from the negotiating session.

Mexico will pay for the wall using new, 500-year, zero-interest bonds to be issued by the U.S. Federal Reserve. "Believe me," said Trump. "You'll never notice they're there." An additional compromise insisted on by the Mexican team was to build an eight-lane superhighway on the parapet on top of the massive border wall. It will have three lanes in each direction for motorized traffic, and two additional northbound lanes, one for livestock-drawn carts and another for pedestrians.

Trump's opponent, Hillary Clinton, was not involved in the negotiations, because she had already scheduled a long weekend of "fundraising," consisting of lying in bed and trying to get some sleep by the soothing hum of the paper-shredder.

At the conclusion of the negotiations, the two leaders went to McDonald's, where Peña Ñietõ said he would gladly pay Trump Tuesday, for a hamburger today.

Sources[edit]

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