UnNews:Trump calls for Apple boycott

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? ✪ UnNews ✪ Friday, April 19, 2024, 21:40:59 (UTC)
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22 February 2016

Trump, on the stump, advocated for a nation that is ever more aware about how adamant Trump is.

CHARLESTON, South Carolina -- With mere months left for the Republican Party to snatch defeat from the jaws of electoral victory, the Party faithfully took its eye off the abuses of the Obama administration — to propose an entirely new set, this time not even involving abortion.

As the FBI asks a federal judge to order Apple to break into the cellphone of San Bernardino terrorist Syed Farook, Republicans from Donald Trump to former New York Lieutenant Governor Betsy McCaughey denounced Apple. Mr. Trump called for a boycott, using his iPhone. Ms. McCaughey digressed from her signature crusade against Obama-care to tell talk radio, "I'm boycotting Apple unless they violate my privacy too!"

Farook, who was not just an Islamic murderer but a cheap bastard, used an old iPhone 5, meaning that the U.S. Government had not yet installed a "back door" to listen in on his calls. The FBI cannot get a warrant, which under the Fourth Amendment would force it to tell a judge what it was looking for. So the FBI has issued a writ called a "press release" to demand the complete treasure-trove of information of other Muslim sleeper cells waiting to bring guns into other gun-free zones, which is surely somewhere in the phone. "Let God sort it out!" said Attorney General Loretta Young, channeling George Patton. Unlike the IRS, the FBI has not been corrupted, unless you count the gunrunning-in-Mexico thing.

Unfortunately, this does not involve simply shaking the iPhone vigorously until the data falls out, but requires Apple to assemble a team of engineers to crack the security that a past team built into the product. The FBI testified that it would only use the technology to break into that one phone; and if Wikileaks found out that it had broken into all the others, it would only be to obtain metadata, as the FBI only wants to know when you phoned your drug pusher and does not care what you said to him. And once the rest of the world sees that the work succeeded, neither Russian hackers nor China's war machine will try to replicate it, and Apple has never had disgruntled former employees.

Nevertheless, Apple chairman Tim Cook has rebuffed the request. The Justice Department claims in a filing that Apple is merely pursuing a "marketing strategy" — promising customers their conversations will be secure in a tawdry sales pitch to fatten profits. Rush Limbaugh obligingly took the side of the FBI, weighing in that Cook is a flaming homosexual and would have a different take if Farook had burst into a gay bath house with guns blazing. Other commentators noted that the iPhone 5 is the property of the County Welfare Office where Farook worked, meaning there are no issues of rights.

The Republican strategy is a crafty appeal to a nation that addresses every issue by forming a stereotype of an affected group, from bearded "widows and orphans" from war zones to "immigrants" whose only problem is lack of documentation, decides whether we love or hate them, and then crafts a new bureaucracy to showcase those feelings. The same process led Republicans to address the inability of the Veterans Administration either to deliver health care to veterans or to stop lying about it, not by reforming the V.A. but by proposing even more power to let it issue blank checks for veterans to get treatment elsewhere.

By comparison, Democrat Hillary Clinton said she is the right candidate for issues such as the iPhone, having for decades taken breathtaking legal maneuvers both to obtain data and to hide her own data beyond reach.

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