UnNews:Uncyclopedia sues Ted Cruz

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Democracy Dies with Dignity ✪ UnNews ✪ Wednesday, April 24, 2024, 07:45:59 (UTC)
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19 February 2016

The American judiciary may shed light on how one would go about turning the humorless Senator into a joke.

CHICAGO, Illinois -- Popular website Uncyclopedia has filed a lawsuit against Republican Presidential candidate Ted Cruz in Cook County District Court here, claiming that he is not a "natural born citizen" under the U.S. Constitution.

The odd phrase, defined nowhere in U.S. law, is just about the only prerequisite one has to satisfy to be the President. Sen. Cruz has claimed that someone born in Canada to a U.S. citizen who had apparently renounced the country for good in order to be with her swarthy foreign Cuban husband — is "natural born." Constitutional expert Donald Trump has, at various times, said that (1) influential people have told him that Cruz is okay, (2) influential people have told him that Cruz is a rank wetback who must be stopped, and (3) he might or might not sue, depending on whether Cruz stops lying about Trump, such as asserting that Trump has been on both sides of an issue.

However, another quaint phrase from the Constitution, which President Obama has not yet disabled by Executive Order, is "cases and controversies," which means that one cannot sue unless there is something at stake, and in particular, Americans do not have "standing" to sue merely to get the government they want, but must instead perform the much more annoying chore of participating in elections.

Enter Uncyclopedia, which immediately has standing, because claiming that American statesmen are not really Americans is a staple of the website's comedy fare. Lawyers for Uncyclopedia testified that a verdict on whether Cruz is American or Cuban is vital to selection of a comedy strategy and to choice of puns and illustrations. If the court rules that Cruz has to ship out to the "squalid hell hole from whence he came," it might inhibit the creation of articles on Cruz entirely — even faster than the Senator's inherent unfunniness.

Sources[edit]

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