UnNews:Most Americans think Trump was elected

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13 November 2016

Although a majority believes that the election was real, a much narrower margin would make the same statement about Trump's hair.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Nearly 3 in 4 Americans told pollsters that they believe Donald Trump was elected President last Tuesday. Moreover, among those who disagree, a solid majority stated that it is probably not worth shooting a policeman over.

The results, in an ABC/Washington Post poll, involved 865 adults or children trying to make their voices deeper, adjusted by discarding enough Republicans to give an accurate portrayal of the nation — the same statistical process the two media giants used in their prior poll that predicted a Hillary Clinton landslide. A key assumption was that African Americans would naturally give their customary 99% vote to a 69-year-old white woman.

Most Trump voters said that a Hillary win would have proven that the election system is "rotten," as Trump often charged. A slightly lower number said that even Trump's election proves that the system is rotten. All we know for sure is that polling is not rotten; it is scientific. A pollster who gave his name only as Norm said he personally applied the industry-accepted "Fudge Factor" to norm the results.

Another solid majority say that Trump's first decisions as President should be to appoint a Cabinet full of Democrats, and of Republicans who wrote in Mickey Mouse for President, some of which are suddenly looking for a job; and discard his lists of potential Justices for the Supreme Court and nominate an illegal immigrant to "reach out to the other side." Many of these spent the weekend persuading the other side by throwing rocks and bottles in America's largest cities and stealing HDTVs from Walmart.

A full 99% of respondents who voted for Trump stated that it is legitimate that Trump won, while only 58% of Clinton voters agreed that it is a good thing that they lost. Of the dissenters, the most common complaint was the fact that Clinton got more votes than Trump, and would have won if the rules had just been different. Many of these said that the Electoral College should offer course work in Gender Grievance Studies. The second most common complaint was that ugly lesbians were not given two votes apiece. However, a majority of these voted for Trump anyway, as they do not need free abortions and most carry a handgun in their fanny-packs.

Ten percent of those polled gave the unsolicited response that pollsters should go back to asking whether global warming is real and whether we really landed a man on the moon. The most common response of those who voted for Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson was, "Whatever, dude."

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