UnNews:Trump discovers need for 4000 aides

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15 November 2016

Mr. Trump had hoped to run the Commerce Department himself; also the Social Security Administration, which increasingly resembles a casino.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- U.S. President-elect Donald Trump has just learned that he will have to appoint roughly 4000 people to the Executive Branch.

"Mr. Trump had been planning to simply have executive-suite personnel at Trump Tower commute to Washington for a few days and tie up any loose ends," said Kellyanne Conway, who broke a "glass ceiling" by being the first female to manage a winning Presidential campaign. By comparison, most of the glass being broken at Hillary Clinton headquarters is ash trays flying through the air.

"How many people could it take to make America great again?" added Ms. Conway. "The Donald could undo all of Obama's executive orders with a single signature, if the memo were written right. It wouldn't take 4000 people. I'm not sure he has that many cousins. Maybe Melania does."

Even so, Mr. Trump would need to fill Cabinet positions. Someone has to be on duty to collect all those work permits Mr. Obama illegally issued to illegals, before their holders stream back to Mexico so that Melania's cousins can stream in.

But whom to select? East-coast newspapers have already begun making the point that the resounding victory of a Republican was a fitting occasion to appoint a lot of Democrats. The Washington Post was willing to sprinkle in a few department heads from Mr. Trump's own party, selecting Republicans who had been the loudest about writing in Mickey Mouse. The New York Times, meanwhile, editorialized that Mr. Trump should appoint staffers who are as racist, sexist, homophobic, and Islamophobic as it says he and every one of his voters are, which would be a tall order.

It is doubly difficult to get staffers with experience, given that, within the Capital Beltway, Mr. Trump polled fewer than 4000 votes total. However, pundits say that Ted Cruz would be a perfect nominee for the Supreme Court, because it doesn't matter if Mr. Trump believes he is "Lyin' Ted"; all Ted would have to do is tell whether witnesses are lying to him.

One unavoidable bit of hiring will be in the White House kitchen, as Mr. Trump has tweeted that "No one can eat ribs & chitlins every day." Not even when she was within days of being proud of her country for the first time in her adult life. However, it seems that new Chief of Staff Reince Priapus has on Speed Dial the chef who always had hamburgers and pretzels available for George W. Bush.

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