UnNews:Statins to blame for Trump victory

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard ✪ UnNews ✪ Saturday, December 21, 2024, 17:21:59 (UTC)
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11 November 2016

After the result of the US Elections, heart patients face the dilemma of going to an early grave unless nibbling salad and mackerel fillets, or living longer and enjoying tacos, fajitas and burritos, but hating foreigners — especially Mexicans.

SAN DIEGO, California -- Doctors have blamed extensive statin use across a declining middle-aged, middle-class America for Donald Trump’s late-onset victory in the Presidential elections. Test results show that prescribed statins carry an increased risk of nativism, authoritarianism, misogyny, racism and muscle cramps.

Physicians — whose nugget-consuming heart patients suffer from high cholesterol — often recommend the drug; but there are concerns that statins are not suitable for those who are more active politically than physically. The gymnasium has always been a safe haven for statin use, as most fit females are happy to mace iron-pumping males, who use terms such as “love handles” and openly fear capable but socially inept women, ethnic minorities and scientific fact.

For eight years, the United States has lived with Barack Obama where, during the care-free pre-statin days, there was no treatment for the racism and resentment that bubbled away at Fox News, a media outlet with Domino's Pizza on speed-dial. Had the medical profession turned to salty nuts to manage LDL cholesterol at Fox instead, there would be no need for demonstrations over Jesse Waters' appalling insults in Chinatown for the O’Reilly Factor, and Ed Henry would still be putting it about in Vegas without fear of a broken heart.

The victory of Donald Trump has been diagnosed as nothing less than a full-blown myocardial infarction for the Constitution, defibrillation for the Demographic and acute angina to all those First Lady wannabees. Hillary Clinton sought to challenge the “rich and glamorous stupid” by proffering a thick brown envelope to Jay Z, Beyoncé and Katy Perry, in return for their humble and low-key support in the closing days of her campaign. Political analysts believe that had Clinton bribed the gorgeous Dr Derek "McDreamy" Shepherd to stand on stage wearing nothing but Speedos and a stethoscope to talk about the virtues of “fatty acid” instead, she would be President.

Researchers analyzed the statin use of 30 million Meat Loaf fans aged 40 to 65 (the age demographic with the highest Trump votes) and found that 20 million were also susceptible to propaganda, conspiracy theories and anti-Semitism. Such side-effects have opened the door to the White House for Donald Trump — who, after only 24 hours, has already achieved the cheesiest plank in his platform: to make America grate again.

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