UnNews:US election is all over

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5 May 2016

This was the site of Cruz's Last Stand.

SOUTH BEND, Indiana -- The 2016 U.S. Presidential election season is settled, except for the country's unique six-month period for its citizens to get used to it.

Donald Trump beat Republican challenger Ted Cruz on Tuesday in this Midwestern state full of evangelicals and corn stalks, and Cruz concluded that, "if I can't make it there, I can't make it anywhere," to quote a famous song about New York Values. John Kasich wound up his vanity campaign after another day of soul-searching and scarfing down pancakes. Cruz told supporters at a banquet hall here that he was brimming with eternal optimism after a year of being called names and having reporters disparage him. Kasich rambled on for half an hour about nothing, before being told the Little League had rented the room next for "awards night," then quickly announced that his campaign was over.

Cruz will return to the U.S. Senate, abandoning deals with Kasich to throw specific states in order to go back to deals with the Gang of Eight, before next coming forward to appeal to the nation as a naïve outsider running against deal-makers. Kasich will return to Ohio, where there is less pressure to be interesting or to have passable table manners.

"I never said we were going to drive coal mines and coal miners into bankruptcy. I was taken out of context."

On the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders won again in Indiana, which means that he loses the nomination, as Hillary Clinton benefits from a unique combination of super-delegates, speaking fees from Goldman Sachs, rope lines separating her from the reporters allowed to approach her, and copies of sealed court records and FBI files on most other Americans. Sanders does not realize that he is a goner, but that is merely proof that he is living in a dream world. He shut down dozens of campaign offices and laid off most of his staff last week, after concluding that his campaign bore too much resemblance to a big business.

American voters will thus get to choose between a billionaire who has never heard of the U.S. Constitution and a woman who holds it in contempt — with a hefty half a year to stew about trading in the Obama malaise for a Geritol malaise. Political pundits believe that Hillary will position herself on the extreme left wing and Trump will be on both sides of her.

The only missing part of the puzzle is the candidates' picks for Vice President. The smart money says Trump will pick Sarah Palin, who eight years ago showed the same skills as Trump for enthusing pipefitters and dirt farmers with inspiring nationalistic slogans until being asked about details or implementation plans. Palin has almost removed the duct tape placed on her mouth by John McCain. As Trump's veep, Palin will be free to say anything she wants; the media that ripped Palin to shreds never criticize a word Trump says, which virtually guarantees they can't start now that Republicans have cast their lot.

These analysts predict that Hillary will unify her own base and find a new use for all the "Feel the Bern" lawn signs by turning to Bernie Madoff. Though the investigation on Hillary's influence-peddling is "inconclusive," for someone who has run the entire Department of State through a private server on the bidet in her home in Chappaqua, New York, it should be nothing for the duo to run the entire Executive Branch out of Leavenworth.