Left-wing
The Left-wing is a population that promotes and adheres to the following guidelines, also known as human rights:
- All beings have the right to freedom of thought, expression, and opinion, as long as that thought, expression, and opinion is left-wing.
- All beings have the right to practice their religion provided they either 1) Don't believe in a God or 2) Don't take it seriously.
- Women have the right to be liberated, express themselves (all right, except Sarah Palin), and be promiscuous, provided they are not any prettier than Germaine Greer.
- All paid-up left-wingers have the right to fight for the redistribution of wealth, so long as that wealth is not their own.
- Left-wingers reserve the right to never shut up.
- Left-wingers reserve the right to believe that Canada is a paradise of Utopian health care and government-sponsored marijuana.
- Left-wingers reserve the right to support green initiatives such as wind farms that aren't within a 20 mile radius of their own home.
- Left-wingers reserve the right to kill off, oops, euthanize any unfit human who cannot protest otherwise while protecting animals that would sooner eat a left-winger alive than show some gratitude.
Identification[edit]
The natural habitat of the left-winger is Southern California, Canada, parts of Manhattan, England (North London postcodes only), and much of Europe, except for Italy, Catholic Portugal and the South of France. The habitat extends southwards into Spain and parts of the Caribbean. The left-winger is unknown in the central US, and China. Although slightly known in Australia, it is ridiculed and mocked to the point of hiding in small self contained communities. It is rarely observed, and when it is observed here, it is not remembered due to everyone except the reclusive left-wingers being too drunk.
The left-winger often visits coffee shops to drink espresso or machiato. They can be attracted to suburban gardens by supplies of vegetarian food. For best results, ensure you have plenty of large trees to hug.
Famous left-wingers in history[edit]
- Karl Marx. Lived in London. Got servant girl pregnant. Wrote several books, unfortunately in German so no-one read them.
- Josef Dzugashvili ("Stalin"). Lived in Georgia, then Russia. Politician. Failed to recognise threat from Hitler until too late, due to being busy killing his own people at the time. Then got another 20 million or so Russians killed while fighting off the German army.
- Pol Pot. Lived in Cambodia. Killed lots of Cambodians for no apparent reason. Still very popular in Cambodia.
- Ho Chi Minh. Educated in London and Vietnam. Killed several million Vietnamese in Civil War while defeating United States of America, who were trying to import democracy, freedom, Coca-cola and syphilis.(But mainly syphilis)
- Fidel Castro. Unfortunately Castro really doesn't seem to have done any real harm to anybody - certainly not killed nearly enough people even to be a minor politician in a US satrap state. But his mere existence exasperates Republican politicians. He doesn't really belong here, does he?
- Danny Ortega. Nicaraguan. Politician. Almost confused and passive-aggressive enough to do well in Californian politics.
- Bianca Jagger. Failed wife of popular music singer. Totally failed to kill anybody. Has had permit to be left-winger withdrawn.
- Vladimir Putin. Totally wonderful and dynamic Russian premier about whom nothing bad is ever said by anyone of even vaguely left wing tendencies. Actually they like him because they suspect he could kick George Bush's ass any time he wanted to, but he has more fun taking down the dollar and putting all the cash into Euros.
- John Lennon. The only left-winger with some semblance of intelligence.
- Heather Mills. Gold-digging ex-wife of popular musician. She's not really leftist, but her unadulterated bitchiness is coveted by left-wingers across the world.
- Per Albin Hansson. Swedish leader during WWII. Helped create a wellfare utopia, which unfortuently included making Swedes give 99% of their salary to taxes. Since he wasn't American he was clearly in lieu with Stalin and Hitler. Also notorious for giving stuff to other people while not getting anything in return, which causes some to theoretize that he might be insane.
Traits[edit]
As a political ideology, left-wing proponents believe that government is beneficial and needed to maintain social order, that taxation and an ever-growing list of laws are the price we pay for civilization and that facts should never get in the way of a good social program.
Due to an obsessive belief in their own righteousness and civil behaviour, left-wingers like to pretend that they refrain from discussions and dirty tricks that cost them elections, though in reality they are as much a bunch of sick, twisted bastards as their right-wing counterparts. They admit that democracy is defective, but argue that all the problems could be solved by preventing the right-wing from voting, or preferably strangling them at birth.
Left-wingers believe that right-wingers have an unhealthy obsession with politics, unlike left-wingers, who avoid the subject (except in every book and movie they make, every interview and speaking tour, and everything they say). Left-wingers avoid politics so studiously that entire media, such as Air America, the Guardian newspaper, and the Union of Concerned Scientists, have sprung up in order not to deal with politics at all.
Left-wingers believe that racism/sexism/age-ism/size-ism and all other ism's are totally wrong, unless they are used against old fat white guys from red states.
Those who proclaim themselves left-wing tend not to support the state of Israel, a fact that helps explain the high number of Jews who consider themselves left-wing.
To left-wing people, anyone richer than them is greedy and must be destroyed and their wealth redistributed (preferably to the left-wing person, who, due to a fear of 'selling out' majored in something like revolutionary feminist underwater basket weaving studies or Catholic social thought and thus achieved only a middle-middle-class standard of living rather than the prosperity they think they deserve on account of their intellectual ability). Anyone poorer than the left-wing person is considered ignorant, right-wing scum in need of diversity training, higher tobacco taxes, and a lecture on the benefits of veganism.
Remedies[edit]
A failure in the left wing led to the Space Shuttle Columbia disaster. So top rocket scientists are currently building a space shuttle with two right wings to prevent a recurrence. They have argued that the US Space Program always worked when good, patriotic Americans like Herr Doktor Obergrueppenfuehrer Wernher von Braun were in charge. Also, his rockets always used to hit London.