UnNews:Trump issues infomercial
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| Trump issues infomercial | 
|
9 March 2016
MADISON AVENUE, New York -- In addition to being the first candidate in history to open a Presidential debate with reassurance regarding the size of his penis, Donald Trump has now become the first candidate to release an infomercial denying that the businesses he started are scams.
The move came after USA Today reported that Trump University only received an "A+ from the Better Business Bureau" three years after changing its name to the Trump Self-Actualization Challenge and ceasing to accept new applicants, and even so only on the basis that it had had no complaints for three years.
The 30-minute infomercial was simulcast on C-SPAN and the Home Shopping Network. Listeners were expecting a victory speech after Tuesday's elections, but Trump instead listed the businesses he had begun, displaying the wares of each. Consumer advocate Mitt Romney had charged that some of these products did not actually exist.
However, Trump Steak looked delicious, if a bit tubular and nondescript, and came in a shrink-wrapped twelve-pack ideal for grilling.
The Trump Kitchen Tool slices, dices, pares potatoes and carrots, and doubles as a stopper to lengthen the refrigerator life of soda pop and a play-toy for the family dog. A total of 72 functions. You wouldn't believe it, it's indescribable. You'll never go back.
Several ouzophiles praised Trump Wines, in innovative packaging devised by the Trump Twist-off Cap Company.
The broadcast interviewed the entrepreneurs who actually manufactured the goods that now display the Trump label, and the stockholders who actually own the companies and are sacrificing some of their dividends to pay Trump to use his name. However, Trump is really going to close the border, slap 40% tariffs on China with neither legislation nor retaliation, and build a wall and make Mexico pay. You'll see. Just not send anyone back home or slow down work visas. Check the website, we changed the website.
Jeb Bush was the last candidate to tell voters how many other cool things he could be doing rather than running for President. Fatefully, he is now free to do any of them, while Trump has a sacred public duty to continue delegating the management of these businesses and finish collecting his 1237 convention delegates, dealing a final blow to Sen. Ted Cruz. Who is a liar.
Sources[edit]
- Bret Neely "Trump Doesn't Own Most Of The Products He Pitched Last Night". National Public Radio, March 9, 2016
- Eugene Kiely "Fact check: Trump University’s D- rating". USA Today, March 8, 2016