From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Black blob boogie baby by SmokeTemple.jpg
Skyline of Johannesburg featuring the Hillbrow Tower and Ponte City Apartments.
Motto: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I've been stabbed!
State South Africa
Official nickname The City that scares you half to death.....twice.
Official language(s) Afrikaans, Zulu, Egoli, Zimbabwean, Zuma
Mayor Amos Masondo
Currency Cocaine
Opening hours 8am-9pm

Johannesburg is located on the small island of South Africa off the Southern coast of Italy's stiletto heel.

About Johannesburg[edit]

A street in Hillbrow, the most densely populated residential area in Southern Africa.

Famous for its very large canal structure, almost the entire city is surrounded by water, from the nearby Lake Zilikjiwa (Zulu for "Lake of White Pigs"). The main form of transport in the city is by a small yacht, or, in the more wealthy areas, by small submarine.

The architecture in Johannesburg is a blend of Late 80's Hair Metal and classic East European Renaissance period eclecticism The population of Johannesburg is nearing the 190 million mark, making it the 3rd most populous city in the world, after Birmingham (205 million), Jamaica(895 million) and Klein Constantia (1.6 billion). It is estimated that by the year 1993, if current economic growth sustains (currently at 92.4% per annum), Johannesburg will be the worlds number one super power, far surpassing the worlds current top 5 super powers (USA, UK, Italy, Germany and Zimbabwe)


Exporting things is one of Johannesburg biggest businesses. The top exports out of Johannesburg are:

  • Homemade Pornography, Johannesburg being the world's 2nd largest exporter.
  • Sugar. For every cup of tea you have ever drunk in your life, at least 1¼ spoons of sugar came out of Johannesburg's sugar mines.
  • White expats, Australia and the UK being the biggest importers.
  • Gold and diamonds, found in the Witwatersrand Range of Hills and later found in the pockets of the above when searched.


Some of the biggest, and most famous landmarks in Johannesburg are:

Statue of the Mariam Makeba - often mistaken as being situated in New York, this giant statue of a lady with a large match is one of the biggest tourist attractions of Johannesburg.

the Great Sugar Mines - discovered in the late 1970's, the great sugar mines are the reason that Johannesburg is where it is. Often referred to as "tasty diamonds", Johannesburg is the universes single largest exporter of sugar.

Famous Residents[edit]

One of the numerous skyscrapers of the city.

Nelson Mandela - Nelson Mandela is the worlds oldest living man. Scientists are not certain, but carbon dating reveals that he is at least 320 years old. He is also famous for his great acting career, having played the part of Jules Winnfield in Quinton Tarantino's 1994 Disney Feature, Pulp Fiction, as well as Yoda in George Lucas's 1980's romantic comedy, Star Wars. He has been studied and is said to be immortal.


Johannesburg climate is much like that of other ice lands, such as Iceland Summer temperatures soar to a steamy average of 8 degrees Celsius, while winter chills can drop to around 7 degrees Celsius. The average temperature site at around 11 degrees Celsius. Unless you are there on a Springboks match day at Ellis Park, where the temperatures can soar to whopping great 35 degrees, as the body heat is too much for this insignificant little squowler unlike it's more important sister Pretoria.

Because Johannesburg is in the Southern Hemisphere, the seasons are in fact flipped (interesting side note,in the Southern Hemisphere compasses point South, water goes down drains counter clockwise and people are in fact standing upside down).


Busy side street off Beyers Naudé Drive in Cresta, Gauteng

Crime is one of Johannesburg's biggest problems, topped only by the police issue. It is believed that for every crime committed, two more are committed by the police, so that’s three altogether, and we haven’t even started yet. The top crime categories are murder, rape, and Jacob Zuma.

Crime is the national sport of Johannesburg and there are a few champions. There has to be losers too, so they are electricuted by 56 0000 00000 00000 00000 000 0000 volt fences. The Johannesburg government says there is no crime, but they built a wall, just to be sure.


Because of Johannesburg’s overworked road system and level of violence, it is often referred to as the Worlds Most Dangerous Car Park, though this is often disputed by Scousers who claim that the title should belong to Lime Street Station’s Short Stay area.

The transport situation should be alleviated somewhat by the Gautrain, which is due to open in late 2009 and close in early 2010, due to underfunding, mismanagement, and the theft of the track which will be melted down and sold to tourists at traffic lights.


Johannesburgers, or ‘Victims’, as they are colloquially known, prefer to do their shopping at traffic lights or ‘robots’. It is said that you can get anything you want at most intersections, and there are even cases of people actually buying the very robots at which they are busy being hijacked.