Conspiracy theory
They're out to get me! Shh! Duck down, close your eyes! ... Okay... It's safe to open them. They just tried to zap your memory. You have to be careful. They do it all of the time and people don't even notice. Read their article slowly and they'll think you're just some randomer taking a casual interest. I'll be back when they're not watching you so closely.
A Conspiracy Theory (American English: Alternative Reality) is an explanation for an event or situation that allows the believer to imagine himself smarter than the average citizen, whose sheep-like acceptance of the conventional narrative makes them easier for the government to exploit.
Shh! Don’t read any further just yet. Eat some garlic, the fumes confuse the CIA’s third gen surveillance devices. What do you mean how? How should I know? Maybe there’s no garlic on Mars, that’s where their technology’s from. Now, chew the French Breath-freshener and start reading again before the brainwave-scanners realise what’s happening.
Conspiracy theories often implicate sinister underground groups, sometimes political in motivation, always powerful enough to cover their traces effectively. This leads to believers being perceived as mere loons for crediting theories that appear to be based on mere prejudice.
Keep it under your Tin Foil Hat, man. But that’s just the way they like it. The whackier we look the less likely people are to listen. Actually, lose the tin foil. It doesn’t work. If anything it amplifies your thoughts and makes them easier to read.
Conspiracy Theory theory[edit]
Academic research into Conspiracy Theory and Conspiracy Theorists has become increasingly common since the 1990s. As the subject has come under greater scrutiny, researchers have devised various ways to classify Conspiracy Theories in order facilitate academic discussion.
You thought you knew how crafty these guys are? You ain’t seen nothing yet! The Feds sponsor university professors to study Alternative Realities and write papers on them - give lecture tours and shit. Makes it look like they’re not covering anything up. But, they’re not real professors, man. They’re reptiles! When did you see an academic eat? Never! That’s ‘cause they swallow their pray live, man. They can’t let Richard Dawkins be seen inhaling a hamster on TV without revealing their true form.
The University of Michigan's Jesse Walker He’s the worst. He eats babies! identified five kinds of conspiracy theories:
• The Enemy Outside refers to theories based on figures alleged to be scheming against a community from without. Aliens! What’d I tell you? You thought Obama was human? With those ears?
• The Enemy Within finds the conspirators lurking inside the nation, indistinguishable from ordinary citizens. Sell-outs who work for the Aliens for the mighty dollar and for weird reptile sex! Ever fantasise about a sweet bit of cloaca? Maybe you’re the enemy within.
• The Enemy Above involves powerful people manipulating events for their own gain. Sell-outs who got rich working for the Aliens and want to stay that way. The Donald. No better cover for the Orange-guy than pretending to hate Hilary “Lets sacrifice virgins to the moon” Clinton.
• The Enemy Below features the lower classes working to overturn the social order. Useful idiots who don’t even know that they’re working for the Aliens. Rudi!
• The Benevolent Conspiracies are angelic forces that work behind the scenes to improve the world and help people. Shows what Jesse Walker knows, man! The powers that be invented beer, narcotics and Kardashians to stop the lower classes conspiring about anything and there sure as Hell ain’t no unseen, angelic forces working for the common good or how do you account for the existence of Piers Morgan?
Michael Barkun has identified three classifications of conspiracy theory:
• Event conspiracy theories – limited, well-defined events. Why’d Jack Ruby shoot Oswald? Who killed Diana? Why’d they commission six seasons of Glee?
• Systemic conspiracy theories - conspiracies with broad goals, conceived as securing control of the entire world.
• Superconspiracy theories - for Barkun, such theories link multiple alleged conspiracies together hierarchically. At the summit is a distant but all-powerful evil force.
Michael Barkun’s meant to big some big-shot Professor-Emeritus at Syracuse University. Seriously, Syracuse. Is that even a place? You ever meet anyone from Syracuse? Thought not. It’s a myth, man. Like Atlantis and Australia. I mean, 9/11, the Kennedy Assassination, & Nipplegate - those are single event alternative realities. And everyone knows that the world is run by Jews, Freemasons, Communists, Communist Jews and left-handers. So, I guess that’s what he means by Systemic Alternative Realities. Which makes me think that maybe he knows something. But then there’s his Super-conspiracies. This is the kiddie! Read David Icke, man. He knows where it’s at. He knows all about the reptiles, man. He sees through the bullshit. I mean, in 2012 he predicted that there’d be a spate of mass shootings across the US over the next few years. How could he have known that if he didn’t see further than the rest of us? He didn’t get to be Oxford United’s reserve goalkeeper just because he’s, like, super-athletic. That guy has connections and he’s putting himself out there to be laughed at to let us know what’s going on. You think the world's out to get you but he knows that other celestial bodies are involved. He should be Sir David Icke – except that he’d have to go to Buckingham Palace for that and then the Duke of Edinburgh would eat him. You think that guy's dead? Man, they don't die. He’s regenerating in the basement, bathing in the blood of toddlers..
David Icke[edit]
According to leading whacko, David Icke, most conspiracies lead back to the Anunnaki, a reptilian race from the Draco constellation. A constellation you won’t even find in Astronomy textbooks and you know why.
Icke suggests that the Earth and the collective human mind are manipulated from the Moon, which is, in fact, a spacecraft and inter-dimensional portal the reptilians control:
“ I'd long had the overwhelming feeling out of 'nowhere' that the moon was not 'real'. By 'real' I mean not a 'heavenly body', but an artificial construct that has been put there to control life on Earth. Once I’d realised that, it was like an enormous penny had suddenly dropped."
This idea is further explored in Icke's book Remember Who You Are: Remember When I used to be on TV?, where he introduces the concept of the "Saturn–Moon Matrix". Read it. It’s so on the money that it’ll blow your mind. Did you know that rings of Saturn were artificially created by reptilian spacecraft? You do now. They’re are the source of the signal that controls the rest of the saps we call humanity. It gets amplified by the Moon, keeping humanity trapped in a holographic projection. Once you know that, you’ll never go back.
In April 2020, Icke claimed in a YouTube video that there was a link between the COVID-19 pandemic and 5G mobile phone networks. The video was removed from the platform, and YouTube tightened its rules to prevent it being reposted. It was later also deleted from Facebook. If that’s not a conspiracy I don’t know what is. Give me liberty or give me death! Or, at least, give me a case of Bud and a big bag of Cheetos.
Multiple mobile phone masts were later subject to arson attacks, By freedom fighters and telecom engineers The enemy within were abused.
Icke said "If 5G continues and reaches where they want to take it, human life as we know it is over… so people have to make a decision.” He also claimed that Israel was using the crisis "to test its technology" and that “any attempt to require people to be vaccinated against COVID-19 amounts to fascism". "Anyone with a half a brain cell on active duty can see coronavirus is nonsense," he said. "We have a virus so intelligent that it only infects those taking part in protests the government wants to stop. This world is controlled by a tiny few people who impose their agenda on billions of people".
He urged the police to "join us and stop serving the psychopaths." And yet, despite his visionary leadership, according to a 2012 Public Policy Polling survey only 4% of Americans believe that "'lizard people' control our societies" How will we ever be free until the sheeple rise up and overthrow their “good” shepherds?
The Truth[edit]
Okay, if you read this far then the powers that be will have stopped watching. Most alternative reality theorists aren’t literate enough to read to the bottom of the ingredient list of a bottle of spring water. So, I’m gonna take over this article to let you in on what I know about the big single events on my life:
1 -The Twin Towers - obviously not brought down by hijacked airliners piloted by deluded Mohammed-enthusiasts, for all the eye-witnesses and the live broadcast on international TV. The insider-trading in United Airlines stocks that happened right before the September 11th attacks tells you that those in the know knew it was going to happen. 4,000 Israeli employees at the Twin Towers took the day off, man! If that doesn't prove Mossad was behind it, what does? I mean, if I held a load of UA stock and was about to blow millions of dollars of assets out of the sky after years of planning I wouldn’t take out put-options the day before. I’d sell at the top of the market and buy shares in Boeing. Who else was going to make the replacement planes? The Anunnaki bought all those put-options for people to see and organised the world’s biggest Bar Mitzvah to cover their lizardy asses. Blame the Jews, man! Tell the public what they wanna to hear!
And planes didn’t make the Twin Towers collapse, neither. Bombs did. Plane fuel doesn’t produce enough heat to melt steel. That was dynamite, and the Martian demolition ray. As for the Pentagon... how come the impact holes in the Pentagon were smaller than an airliner, huh? The military crashed a hologram into a section of the Pentagon that was vacant due to renovations and blew out the walls as cover. You really think an Aluminium plane was ever gonna get through those reinforced concrete walls?
As for the fourth plane, Flight 93? Man, that didn’t crash in Pennsylvania when the passengers fought back like the media wants you to believe. It landed safely. The plane shot out of the sky was another hologram. All those passengers had to be disembarked safely if their organs were gonna be harvested to feed the alien-lizards babies. It has to be true, man. How else could the hijackers have survived to live a happy lives posing as elderly Democrats from Vermont?
2- The Kennedy Assassination – that was organised by Robert Kennedy to stir up anti-mob and anti-Russian feelings and get rid of his bro outta the way so's he could take run at the presidency. Where was Kennedy Junior at the time of the shooting? I'll tell you. He was on the Grassy Knoll, man! That Commie bastard, Oswald, shoots JFK 'cause Bobby's promised to recognise the Castro regime. Then Ruby shoots Oswald ‘cause he’s been promised that Bobby’s girlfriend, Marilyn Monroe, will make an appearance at Ruby’s strip club.
But that wasn’t the only political assassination in the 60's, right! You know, JFK, MLK, RFK, .... No coincidence there, listen and learn!
The last initial of those three spell out "KKK". Why? These three were all involved heavily in the Civil Rights Movement and held beliefs radically different than that of the KKK, correct? So why do their last initials spell out KKK? Control of the KKK was what the lizards were after... all them burning crosses guide in their spaceships from space. Then, when they’d used RFK as their patsy, they offed him as casually as you'd swat a dachshund. Think about it. It’s so obvious!
And it wasn’t pancreatic cancer that got Ruby, neither. The guy had been addicted to Martian weed for years. It was going cold turkey in prison that killed him.
3- Global Warming – you think Global Warming is caused by people. Think again, man. Does Global Warming benefit humans? No. A warmer world benefits reptiles. Our whole planet is being terraformed so that they can replace us. The Templars knew this day was coming, man. That’s why they hollowed out the Earth and built all those underground cities to hide the Ark of the Covenant in.
So now you know the truth, what're we gonna do about it? It’s too late to stop the reptiles. I say we storm Area 51! Join me and we’ll hijack the flying saucers they’ve been keeping there since the 50s. Then we’ll fly them into the Arctic void so we can shelter inside God’s good Earth and leave this whole stinking mess, with its owl-worshipping overlords, NHS death-panels, fake vaccinations and deep-state FEMA camps behind us.
What do you mean you don't believe me? Okay, fine. Just look into my eyes.
You know nothing! You remember nothing! The government is not out to get you.
Forget all of what you know of the government's secret work. Forget the UFO that crashed during the 1996 Olympics at Centennial Park in Atlanta. It was a bombing. Forget the nanobots that are eating away at the brain cells of American citizens. Forget all you know.
The helicopters going over your house are just news-copters, not Black Hawks. THERE IS NO ONE AFTER YOU!
See also[edit]
- John F. Kennedy
- The Catcher in the Rye
- Above Top Secret
- Chair
- World Trade Center
- Florida's election
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
- AIDS spread throughout the African and gay populations of the world.
- Conspiracy
- Conspiracy theorist
- Bootlickeranoid
- Paranoia
- CIA
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This page is or discusses a loony and/or nutty conspiracy theory of which Uncyclopedia vehemently denies knowledge and existence. The black helicopters are not ^on their way. |