You have two cows/25

This article is part of the You have two cows series.

Africa: You live in Europe, and have two cows. The cows decide to sail to Africa, and take over a chunk of land when they arrive. They send messages to their friends telling them to come. A whole herd of cows take over Africa, enslave the native cows and declare their superiority over the native cows. Your cows become the co-presidents of their colony, the native cows hate the new cows and the economy goes bankrupt, the government goes corrupt and the native cows and new cows become segregated. Then a group of native cows form a rebel group and fight against the corrupt government. Hundreds and hundreds of cows die or become slaves while the rest of the world doesn't seem to care. While all this happens, you buy two native cows to compensate for the fact your old cows left.

Asian: Your chinese family has two cows. They put them in the bank to obtain interest. After thirty years, you have accumulated 2.00274523 cows. You sell them to buy your children a bag of rice.

American: You have one male cow, and one female cow, no more, no less, but you downloaded them from Kazaa. It is always inexplicably hot, and your taste in music is cheesy '70s disco, only with less notes. All of your cows are blond, and enjoy drinking milk extremely slowly.

American 2: You have two cows, but you still wish you were Canadian, eh.

American 3: Somebody else has two cows, you go in and take them in the name of the War on Terror.

American 4: You have one male cow, and another male cow. You take them to Massachusetts, have them married, and then they adopt a Vietnamese son.

Antarctica: You have two cows. They freeze to death. Now you have no cows, and you wonder why you even bothered to bring a pair of cows to Antarctica. You can't remember, and your realize really should have thought it through more. Dumbass.

Argentina: You have two cows. That's as close as you'll ever get to having a functioning economy.

Armenian: You have two million cows. The Ottoman Government, believing they are in league with the enemy, systematically slaughters about one and a half million of them. The remainder flee to Russia.

Arrakis: You have two cows which produce milk; the most precious substance in the universe. Milk extends life and expands consciousness. People come and force you to hide in rocky caves, but luckily a leader comes along and helps you out with his prescience. Ooops, now he's fucked up the future real good. He has a son, who bonds with the cows at a genetic level, and fixes everything up by being mean to everyone for thousands of years. You and generations to come still have to scrounge around for milk. After a while some people from very far away come and bomb the shit out of you. End of story. The Bene Gesserit bitches have approved this message.

Atlantis: You have two sea cows.

Atlantis 2: You have two cows. They are lost forever.

Atlantis 3: You don't have two cows because you don't fucking exist.

Australian: You have two cows but only enough land to feed one. Nevertheless you send the cows out to pasture and in fact bring more cows on the land. Within 50 years your land is unproductive and afflicated by salinity, and the cows are nearly dead. Luckily the electoral seats were drawn up in such a way that means your vote is worth much more than an urban, cowless dweller. You now get a large paycheck each month to sit on the verandah and watch the cows die. Eventually bauxite is disovered on your land and the economy is miraculously saved.

Australian 2: You have two cows, but they turn out to have poisonous tails, and stab you in the heart. Crikey!

Australian 3: You have two cows. To perhaps compensate for their lack of presence on the world stage, they are utterly obsessed with sport, and get a bit arsey if anyone beats them. They are especially fixated on cricket.

Bahrain: You have two cows, while the rest of the world starves.

Belarus: You have two cows that glow in the dark.

Britain

England: You have two cows. They kick a ball for a living. You hand them all of your money.
London: You have two cows. They get mugged from you. 'What you got for me blud?' '2 cows...' 'Set me dem or ill shank you bruv'
Wales: You have two sheep. One is pretty cute.
Wales 2: You hyve two cwws.
Scotland: You have two cows but feel angry because the English cows might just be slightly better and you feel as if they're always trying to belittle you those stupid English people with their superior ways. Och.
Scotland 2: You have two coos. They are big, hairy Highland coos. They drink Irn Bru. [sic]
Scotland 3: You have two coo beasties.
Scotland 4: These coos belong to Not-as-big-as-medium-sized-Jock-but-bigger-than-wee-Jock-Jock.
Scotland 5: You have two cows who are addicted to deep-fried heroin.

Bangladesh: You don't have two cows. You have malaria.
Bangladesh 2: You have two trillion litres of seawater in your homes. What's a Kyoto Protocol?

Britain circa 2001: You have two cows, they are in a big fire.

Britain circa 2005: Your parents bought two cows for 6d in 1971; they sell them for a million pounds but can only use the money buy two smaller cows. You cannot afford to buy cows. The government wants to double the price of cows; no-one is sure how that will help.

Britain circa 2010: You didn't elect these two cows, but have them anyway. They both act like a cow you saw in the 1980s.

Brazilian: You have two cows. One of them is stolen. The government creates the Compulsory Contibution for Cow Possession (CCCP). An officer comes and fines you, because even though you paid the right amount, it was the price for the assumed number of cows (2), instead of the real (1). The Government, through the data of your milk, cheese and leather consume, assumes that you have 200 cows and, to avoid the complication, you give your other cow to the officer and that's it.

Brazilian 2: You don't have two cows because they're too expensive, since they've been imported from anywhere else. You get a job, but will only be able to get a cow within 3 years of work.

Brazilian 3: You have two cows. You EAT them. With beans and rice, of course.

Brazilian 4: You just arrived at Brazil, and you have two cows. As soon as you go to a beach, somebody offers R$2 for the both cows, saying R$1 = $100. You believe. You lose the cows.

(He fooled you, since R$1 = $99.9 - Loser.)

Brazilian 5: You have two cOW! MOTHER FUCKER! That hurt.

Canadian: You have two cows, eh. But you are forbidden to sell their milk without a milk marketing board quota. And unless you live in Québec, you cannot obtain said quota.; You are also taxed on the cow feed, for transporting the milk to the buyer and for the property the cows are raised on (GST). The tax forms must be filled out in English and French. Also, you have to store the milk in bags.

(For the French version of this text, please consult your local library. / Pour la version française de ce texte, consultez votre bibliothèque locale, s'il vous plaît.)

Canadian, Part II: You have two cows, but you're still better than an American with two cows.

Canada ( Quebec ): You have two cows, they are arrogant and want to separate.

Canada ( Quebec ) 2: You motherfucking have fucking two fucking shitty cows shit fuck

Cardassia Prime: THERE! ARE! TWO! COWS!

CATS: All your cows are belong to us.

Chinese: You have two cows. Some red guard claim them for China!

Chinese 2: You can have two cows, but only if you're an American and brought a lot of money.

Chinese 3: To avoid overpopulation you are only allowed one cow.

Danish: You have two cows. You trade them for two pigs and sell their delicious bacon.

Danish ½: You have two cows, but some other cows starting coming from other contries and wants to live with you. If you don't accept they'll stay and start raping your cows and elect a racist government... Meanwhile you are powerless and starts to blame Sweden. Norway hates you for taking over Norway over hundreds of years ago so they don't enter the E.U. Meanwhile again Sweden refuses to listen to you so all you can do now is to add this to Uncyclopedia.

Danish 2: You have two cows, but they are both killed by angry Muslims.

D.C Comics Universe: You have two cows. Both of them are superheroes. One of them is a slightly lower-level superhero, so it gets killed within a crossover for cheap dramatic effect. The other one is replaced by a younger version. The fans go mental.

D.C Comics Universe (Final Crisis Variant): You have two cows. One of them is a superhero. The other is the God Of Darkness And Evil, which manages to successfully invade Earth, corrupt most of the population into crazed zombie worshippers and win the day. Then, that cow is defeated anissue from the end, and it's revealed that another cow that's come out of nowhere is actually the major villain. Then the superheroes have suddenly won the day and it's finished. You think a few pages might have fallen out, but they all seem to be in there.

Deaf: (funkitated accent) YOU - HAVE - TWO - COWS !!!

Dutch: You have two cows. It is illegal to grow milk, sell milk, or drink milk. However, if you have less than 5 grams of milk on you, the police won't arrest you. For 5 euros, you can have sex with one of the cows.

Egg Language: Yeggou heggave teggoo ceggows.

Ethiopian: You have two cows. The wind takes them.

Finnish: You have two cows. Both of them have cellular phones. They never speak to you, but they occasionally may send a SMS to you. They go to sauna every day naked and swim in a lake no matter whether it is either winter or summer. They like ~~tango~~ heavy-rock/metal very much and they both work in paper industry.

Finnish 2: You have two cows. You are scared of Russia right next to you, and you think that it's better to just hide them into your small basement. They die, and you are happy because now you can send pictures to myspace. People have trouble figuring out if the eurovision winner had been in your own basement and did he have his mask on.
Finnish 3: You have two cows. One grows dreadlocks and buys a guitar somehow and demands that you call him Mikko. The other grows black hair and gay long eyelashes and starts singing in a deep faggy croony voice and somehow all the girls think he's the bee's knees. they name themselves after a goddamn pronoun.

First Foundation: The First Cow is on Terminus. Hari Seldon established the Second Cow at "Star's End".

French: You have two beautiful cows, but so does everyone else. You don't have to do anything with them though as you gain huge amounts of subsidies from the EU.

French 2: You have two cows, but one burn in an urban riot.

Google Earth: You have two cows. Unfortunately they are located within the 99.9999...% of the world where the resolution is so low you can't even see your cows pixels.

Old Galactic Republic: Always two cows there are, a master and an apprentice, no more, no less.

German: You have two cows obtained for free, but they came with gas masks and rubber suits. You're still not sure how to get the ball gag off.

Hong Kong: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping unlicensed farm animals in your apartment.

Hong Kong 2: You have two cows, which you never see, as they are taken care of entirely by your underpaid Filipina maids.

Hoth: You had two cows, but you had to kill them and sleep inside them to survive. They smell even worse on the inside.

Hyrule: You have two cows, you have to play music for them so they'll give you milk.

India: You have two cows. What you mean you have two cows? they're sacred fool! Leave the cow alone.

India 2: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

Irish: You have two cows. One of the cows has 26 spots. The other, smaller, cow has 6 spots. Part of the smaller cow wants to be friends with the bigger cow but the other part of him just wants to break his kneecaps.

Irish: You see two cows, then pass out.

Israeli: You have two cows. One you give to the government to protect you, and the other is blown up because you accidentally left it in a public place. The third is taken by the government, and given to the Shas party in return for 3 votes on the Cow referendum about where the cows are coming from.

Israeli II: You have two cows. Everyone else has a lot more cows than you, but they all want your two cows. Some of your neighbors want to kill you to get your cows. You give one of your cows to your neighbor, but he still wants to kill you so he can get the other cow.

Israeli III: You have 2 cows. They clap each time a plane lands. People look at you funny.

Israeli IV: You have two cows. Your neighbours are pissed off at the idea of you having any cows, and so invade you to try and get rid of you. Ironically, this only leaves you with even more cows. Now they really hate you. So you periodically launch missiles at them. That'll shut them up.

Israeli V: You have two cows. The UN took them from Palestine and gave them to you. Palestine wants them back, so you bomb the hell out of Gaza. Then, for good measure, you bomb a UN school in Gaza. That should show them to lay off your cows!

Israeli: You have two cows. Your neighbour has a cow which you take. This is obviously within international law.

Italian: You have two cows. A bald man tells you that if you vote for him he'll give you another one for free. You don't, but other people do so, and the bald man takes away both cows from you.

Japanese: We take a good look at the idea you have two cows.
Japanese 2: You have two cows. Both of your cows have extravagant hairstyles. One of them has very long teats and likes to spray the other cow with milk.

Japanese 3: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are half the size and produce 10 times the milk. 10 years later you will finally sell them to Americans.

Japanese 4: You have two cows. You give them big eyes and create a new cartoon/game/marketing scheme called Cowkimon. Soccer moms all over America want to kill you.

Japanese 5: You have two cows. One of them dies, the other kills itself honourably for failing to prevent the first cow's death.

Japanese 6: You have two cows. They are deformed and have really big eyes. They like to perform perverse sexual acts with each other. Later you find out the cows are related. The cows become really popular and you export the cows worldwide.

Japanese 7: You have two cows. You send them back to America and you have no more cows.

Japanese 8: You have two cows. You send them to work in sweatshop earning World of Warcraft gold. You sell World of Warcraft gold. You buy two more cows. You repeat the process.

Japanese 9: You notice America has some cows. You take two cows, make them smaller, add about 40 gigs of memory to them, and sell it back the Americans for a profit.

Kazakhstan: You have two cows. Nice! High Five!

Kazakhstan 2: You have two cows. Assholes Uzbekistan have only one! Great Success!

Korean: You have two cows. One goes crazy and creates a socialist paradise, before deciding that all other cows must die and deploying nuclear force. It eats the uranium and swells to a godlike magnitude before blowing corned beef all over the Orient. A round Korean man laughs at you and digs a trench. Your other cow begins to cry and you must console your cow by giving it skin care products that you have had to smuggle from China. The Chinese government takes both your cows and denies claims that their skin care products are made from chinks.

Marvel Comics Universe: You have two cows. One of them falls into some radioactive waste and develops superpowers. The second cow is mangled in a scientific experiment, irrationally blames the first cow, and becomes the first cow's archnemesis.

Malaysia: You have two cows. You put both of them to work, but neither can get to the office on time because of the gridlocked traffic, and the costs from Cops pulling your cows over for "Speeding" whilst on the Federal ~~Car Park~~ Highway and paying out insurance claims from crazy women in Perodua's crashing into your cows are getting expensive. Only one Cow gets fired for continued lateness though because the other is a Bumi (or "Indigenous") cow, and subject to affirmative action it actually gets promoted over other non-Bumi cows that work in the same company. Your cow that gets fired tries to complain about discrimination, but the police accuse it of sodomy, arrest it, beat the shit out of it, and force you to pay a bribe to get it out of jail. After it gets out of prison it gets fed up and moves to Singapore. With the Singapore based cow making a better wage, you can afford to buy an Investment property in Australia and bring in another Cow from Indonesia, which is given all the benefits of a native Cow despite being from a different country and it opens up a Mamuk's food stall. You use the disparate background of all three cows to enjoy every single culturally catered for public holiday that you can, although your Bumi cows still threaten to slaughter your non-Bumi Cow and bathe the streets with it's blood every time it complains that it's been picked on.

Mexico: You have two cow costumes. You and your cousin put them on and walk across the border.

Monaco: You have two cows. There is no more room left in your country.

Naruto universe: You have two bulls and a cow. Heh, heh, moo. One bull is really great at everything, every cow in the 'verse is constantly squeeing over him, and tends to dominate everything until Vold-sorry, Orochimaru steals him and it's up to your loudmouth, knuckleheaded bull to save him. Moo.

Naruto universe 2: You have two cows. One of them is an illusion crafted by your insane older brother, but it's okay because the other can create dozens of clones of himself.

New Zealand: You have two cows. Your sheep are jealous.

New Zealand 2: You have two cows. Every three years, some random middle-aged people get up and promise you ten cows if you vote for them and foresay doom and destruction and that nobody will have any cows if you vote for the other guy. You vote for one of them. Life goes on as normal and you still have two cows.

New Zealand 3: You have two cows. One of your cows is blocking the construction of a highway. The construction firm goes to have the cow removed, but you lodge a complaint under the Resource Management Act on the grounds that your cow is actually a manifestation of a really scary taniwha. Your claim is upheld and the road is not built.

New Zealand 4: You have two cows. They are killed by renegade orcs who ran away from the Lord of the Rings set.

New Zealand 5: You have two cows. Oh wait, it's just Rodney Hide. Sorry.

New Zealand 6: Not even 'cos you have two cows,ow!.

New Zealand 7: You have two kiwis, erm, I mean cows.

New Zealand 8: You have two cows, but they take ages to appear after you look at them, so you call your Cow Service Provider to complain. The CSP Technition explains that this is normal and your just getting 'Full Cow Speed'. Your argue that your friend in Australia can see his cows instantly, but the CSP clames that this is a lie and that they fixed that problem.

Nigerian: You have two cows. You sell these cows to get a computer and send E-mails to Americans that claim you are a Nigerian prince, and will send them 10,000 cows if they help you get them out of a frozen bank account. You now have 600,000 cows, but lost them all to another, more convincing Nigerian prince.

Norway: You have two cows, but the milk company wont give you quotas to sell the milk, and it's ilegal to sell to anyone else. Winter comes and the cows freeze to death.

Oceania: Owner two cow unperson doubleplus good.

Oceania 2: You have two cows and another two cows, which means you have five cows. 2+2=5.

Oceania 3: You have two cows. You are at war with the people who have one cow. You have always been at war with the people with one cow. You are allied with the people who have three cows. You have always been allied with the people who have three cows.

Oceania 4: You have two cows. You are at war with the people who have three cows. You have always been at war with the people who have three cows. You are allied with the people who have one cow. You have always been allied with the people who have one cow.

Pakistan: You have 2 cows, and you pat them on the head lovingly before watching an insane man decapitate them both while sitting on them, somehow regardless of what you have just witnessed, you feel a profound sense of being blessed =D.

Palestine: You have two cows. The Ottomans pretend to own your cows, but actually don't. Britain comes in, takes your cows and gives them to Israel. You call in all the neighboring countries to get them back but Israel kicks the crap out of them and takes their cows too. Israel offers to give one cow back, but you blow them up out of spite. Now all the cows are dead and you and Israel are blowing each other up on a regular basis.

Palestine 2: You had 2 cows. Damn Israelis.

Philippines: You have two cows. One speaks Ilocano, the other Tagalog.

Poland: You have two cows. Your neighbour has three cows. You pray to God to kill your neighbour's cows. If that doesn't work - you go and poison them yourself.

Poland 2: You forgot 2 cows.

Poland 3: You have two cows. They get invaded by Zwei Kühe.

Portugal: You have two cows. One of them leaves something flammable lying around and a heatwave turns it into a fire, which burns down your cows, your farm and the nearby forest and injures two firemen. You are suspected of arson.

Portugal 2: You have two cows. Even Greece has more cows than you.

Portugal 3: You have two cows. They like fate music, soccer and the Virgin Mary. They drink a lot of wine, drive too fast, and crash on the highway. You watch it on the evening news.

Portugal 4: You have two cows. They have never won a Eurovision song contest.

Portugal 5: You have two cows. One is in Canada and the other in Luxembourg. They sometimes call the morning talk shows and say hi.

Portugal 6: You have two cows. Two Romanian Cows come and still your Cows jobs.

Romanian: You have two cows. You send one to steal in Italy and the other you pimp in Spain you wait eagerly for a pair of sneakers from abroad. You wish your neighbor goat died.

Romanian 2: You have two cows. You must bribe them first if you want to milk them.

Romanian 3: You have two cows...that means you're richer than 90% of your country's population.

Romanian 4: You have two cows. They come into your house at night and drink your sweet sweet bodily fluids.

Russian: You have one cow, but you bought it off the Internet for an awful lot of money, it doesn't quite match the picture, and it's a lot more interested in eating grass than being eaten by you.

Russian 2: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count your cows and learn you have 5 cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

Russian 3: You have two cows. Your president makes it illegal to vote for anybody not on the registered voting list (approved by him). Your president centralizes the oil companies in order to one up the Americans. Your government changes the education system to teach that Stalinism wasn't that bad, and sets up sex camps to have children for mother Russia. They then claim the north pole. All in the name of freedom and... hey... where did your two cows go?

Saudi Arabia: You have two cows. You also have couple billion dollars thanks to the oil well that you inherited from your father. The rest of the world asks "Why do you get to have two cows on top of that?" You shrug and, on an impulse, buy the Pacific Ocean, and charge rent to all of Australia.

Scandinavia: Two cows from each of Norway, Denmark, Finland, and Sweden are marooned on an island. After 3 weeks they are rescued. By that time, the Norwegian cows had built a boat and fished up all the fish around the island. The Danish cows had formed a union. The Finnish cows had cut down all the trees. The Swedish cows were still standing there waiting to be introduced to the other cows.

Singapore: You have two cows lah. You are required by law to surrender one cow to the CPF corral lah. The government promises to give you the milk when you retire lah. You mortgage the other cow to pay for your HDB lease and your COE to get you to the market lah. The government complains you are not meeting your milk production quota lah. Massive numbers of foreign cows are imported to boost milk production lah. Foreign cows crowd out local cows in all critical industries, leading to grassland and water shortages lah. Local milk is regarded as inferior and poured down the drain lah. Non-conforming local cows are sued bankrupt and turned into beef burgers lah. Remaining local cows make a run for the farm next-door lah. Property prices fall and the bank repossesses your other cow lah. Foreign cows start leaving when government-supplied feed runs out lah. All other local cows have already starved to death lah. The milk from the CPF cow has gone bad lah. The helpless voters Cow peh Cow bu (local Chinese slang for being at one with the One Zen Cow, muu) lah.

Singapore 2: You have no cows. The government promises to give you two cows but doesn't. Bored taxi drivers complain about the "gahmen" and you whine about not getting your cows. The government taxes you anyway and uses the milk to get foreign cows to come. Then journalists come and ask for your opinion and you speak with an extremely flawed accent about your troubles and then the government takes you up for it anyway. You issue a public apology and they forget about it. Now you owe the government two cows. But you still have the taxi driver. He says it's all the "gahmen's fault". You get indignant that he cannot spell government and that foreigners keep saying your slang is chinese when you really are spouting hokkien vulgarities. You swear not to vote for the Government and they jail you. But of course it doesn't matter because all the foreign cows vote for them anyway.

South Africa: You have two cows. One of them is hijacked, and the other one you braai. The whole family has a lekker New Year's Day lunch, and life is good (sort of).

South Africa: You have two cows. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You now have tinnitus.

Soviet Russia: You have two cows. We will bury them!

Soviet Russia 2: Two cows have you.

Soviet Russia 3: You have two cows. Unfortunately, Comrade Stalin thinks they're plotting against him, so he has them arrested, exiled to Siberia, and shot. Then he has you shot.

Bizarro World Soviet Russia: You have two cows.

Mirror Universe Bizarro World Soviet Russia: In Mirror Universe Bizarro World Soviet Russia, you have two cows with goatees and ~~monocles~~ moonocles.

Earth-2 Mirror Universe Bizarro World Soviet Russia: In Earth-2 Mirror Universe Bizarro World Soviet Russia, you have two goats with cowtees, the severed head of Jonas Salk, and a staggeringly large box of Dennis.

Alternate Earth-2 Mirror Universe Bizarro World Soviet Russia: In Alternate Earth-2 Mirror Universe Bizarro World Soviet Russia, you have one cow that drinks cognac and enjoys reading 18th century literature, and the aptly named cow, Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Article.

Somalia: You have two cows. Moohamed Farrah Aidid takes their food. They die of starvation.

Spain: You have two bulls. One runs in the San Fermins. The other one dies in a bullfight.

Sparta: You have 2 cows. They each kill 10,000 Persians.

Springfield: Don't have 2 cows, man.

Sweden: You have two cows. You give the government one of them and they give you fancy education. Since everyone already have fancy education you have to work at McDonalds.

Sweden 2: You have two cows. They are pirated cows. The MPAA raids your headquarters, takes the cows, and gives them back two weeks later because of Sweden's lax cow-pyright laws.

Sweden 3: You have two cows. The instructions claim they should be easy to put together, but you're missing some of the parts and when you finally get it up one of the legs falls off and you can't get it back on. Eventually, you take them back to Ikea and get a bookcase instead.

Switzerland: You have two cows. You sit back and do nothing about everyone else's cows yet you wind up cleaning up their messes.

Switzerland 2: You have received stolen jew cows that you refuse to admit to having.

Tatooine: You used to have two cows, but they died because there's NO WATER!!!!

Tatooine 2: You have two banthas, you ride around on them and kill everyone you see.

Texas: Of COURSE you have 2 cows. It's TEXAS. You also have a cowboy hat, some saguaro cacti, boots, and a rifle. (Somewhere in Texas, tho, the village idiot is missing)

Texas 2: Y'all have two longhorns!

Oklahoma: You're really sick and tired of the way people talk about Texas cows all the time and forget that Oklahoma has perfectly nice cows, too. And a less expensive cost of living, so you can really afford three cows.

The Borg: We have 2,765,893,452 cows, resistance is ~~futile~~ mootile.

The Daleks: Your two cows will be EX-TER-MIN-ATED!

The Daleks 2: You have two cows. A megalomaniac alien attempts to merge his DNA with one of them to create a new species of Dalek-Cow. The other cow is wearing a pinstriped suit, trainers, thick black-rimmed glasses and has a nervous breakdown when the first Dalek-Cow is killed.

The Klingons: You have two cows. They are not honourable; you kill them and eat their meat. You buy one Trogg.

The United Federation of Planets: You have two cows. They have no use because you have a replicator, and so does everybody else. You and your cows live out your lives until you eventually die and cannot be resuscitated.

The United Federation of Planets (Enterprise version): You have two perfectly groomed cows, but the milk they give is terrible, so you keep buying more cows on credit until your farm gets repossessed. Then you complain about how nobody appreciates the small farmer anymore.

The United Federation of Planets (Voyager version): Your entire farm is transported to the other side of the galaxy along with your hated neighbour’s property. You are forced to band together to form a new life. After a few years you waste all of your money acquiring the prize heifer from the state fair, who sits around doing nothing but has *enormous* udders. By the end you are begging for the sweet release of death.

The United Federation of Planets (TNG Version): You have two cows, but the society you now live in does not value material possessions, so the existence said cows is frowned upon by everyone you know. One day the borg/romulans/whatever attack the small outpost where you live and your cows are killed in the firefight. You appeal to the Federation but its now corrupt and filled with beaurocracy. A ship is finally sent to defend you about 3 weeks after the aforementioned enemy has left. They have a winge about the terrible tragedy that took place then leave. Life goes on as normal.

The ViewAskewniverse: You have two cows. Both of them are slackers and low-level drug dealers. One of them swears almost constantly, the other rarely says a word except to offer some occasional profound wisdom. Everyone around them seems uncommonly fond of intricately-constructed scatological dick jokes, long smartass conversations about trivial things and Star Wars.

The X-Files: The two cows are out there!

Star Wars Universe: You have two cows. Both are children of a bull who turned to the dark side (whatever that means, since he was all black to begin with.) One of them saves the universe and the other one hooks up with a cocky pilot.

Quentin Tarantino Universe: Your cow kills its husband. Your other cow opens a box. You have two cows.

U.S. circa 2005: You have two cows. The government takes your cows, gives you an IOU, and then encourages you to invest the resulting cash in publicly traded cow shares to make you part of the ownership society. Also, the cows cannot marry.

Zimbabwe: You have two cows, they do not vote for you but you still win. You kill your cows.

Zimbabwe 2: You have two million very small cows.

Zerg: You have two cows. They immedeately rush your enemy's base.

Rwanda-Burundi: You have two tribes of cows, one is much bigger then the other, and the smaller looks slightly prettier. Belgians come and put the smaller tribe in charge of everything, this pisses off bigger tribe of cows . Then the Belgians leave and the bigger tribe of cows try to kill off the other cows. The UN pretends not to notice. Someone makes a movie about it starring the black guy from Ocean's Eleven.

Ecuador: You have two cows. One murders the other then robs you. You report the cow to the police but they don't believe you. You have no cows or stuff.

Category π: The World Wide CoWeb

4chan: Someone wants two cows. Anonymous provides.

4chan 2: Someone wants two cows. Anonymous horrifies you with terrible images that should not be portraying cows. Someone is aroused.

4chan 3: You have over 9000 cows. You do a barrel roll.

4chan 4: so i herd u liek 2 cows.

8-Bit Theatre: Fighter: "Cow-chucks, yo."

Thief: "Oh, I steal cows and souls."

Black Mage: "COWDOKEN!"

Achaea: You have to cows to the south east. One is your sister and the other one is sleeping with your grandfather.

Adventure Quest: You can't have two cows! Become a Guardian to have two cows!

Aint it cool news: You had two cows three days ago, it was even on Yahoo News, but Harry is only posting about it today (Harry has chosen two cows, here's why!). The talkbackers hate the cows now. Damn you Michael Bay.

AOL: You've got cows!

AOL 2: Me too!

AOL 3: Wanna meet the sexiest pair of cows on the internet?

Apolyton: Markos had 2 cows, but DanQ stole them and gave them to Ming and Rah.

Apple: Now with Intel CowDuo

Apple 2: You have two cows. These cows resent having the same computer as the rest of the world, and as a result, think that their vacation videos are somehow more interesting after being edited with iMoovie.

Apple 3: You have two cows. You spent $1400, when the Dell model was $700. These cows were a first gen model, and as a result, only three of the four stomachs function.

Applegeeks: You have two cows. Get a goat.

B3TA: You only have one cow, but it gets bandwagoned. Very quickly you have 31.7 cows, 12.4 kittens, a six pack of monkeycow beer, 5 goatse rings, 2 Quos a laughing and some sort of iMood pun. Woo Yay Houpla. You still haven't been frontpaged.

Barney Bunch: You have two cows that are really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really, really gay. They don't moo, they go hahahahahahahaahahhahahahahahahahahahaahahahaha bag, that was swell.

Bash.org: #4924393 +(2)- X; <Roofman> hay guys guess what; <thorax> wut; <imh1gh> what?; <Roofman> YOU HAVE TWO COWS!!1; <imh1gh> LOL; <fergie> ROFL; <2cows> LOLOLOL I LIKE INCEST!; <thorax> OMG LOL BASHED!

Bash.org 2: #4924411 +(2)- X; <cSk|Sperry> You have two cows, /hop and /quit. /hop runs away. Which cow is left?; * tehw4nn4b31337n00b has quit IRC

Battlemaster.org

You have 2 cows. one is accused of being a ooc cheater, and gets banned. the other moves to another continent, it is devoured by monsters/the undead/is declared rogue by paranoid judges who then send infiltrators to kill you before you destroy the farm with your milk. the Titans delete your account before you can create a third cow.

BEBO

You have two cows. How much do you know about the two cows? On average people know 35% about your cows. Would you like to add the two cows to your birthday alert?

BEBO 2:

You have two cows. One is painted in bright colours my a 13 year old from West Bromich with a poor grasp of he own native language and the other hasn't been milked because the person who milked her fucked off and joined facebook.

The Best Page In The Universe: For every two cows you don't eat, I'll eat six.

The Best Page In The Universe 2: You have 2 cows. I own your cows. You have no cows.

Catharsis: Remly, what the hell did you do to our cows? And why does it smell like steak in here?!

cockeyed.com: how much is in two cows?

Cracked: 7 Ways Two Cows Can Kill You Before Lunch

Cyber Nations: Your nation has been attacked with a cruise cow by Moo Moo Farm. You lost 11 defending cows and 10.00 infrastructure.

Cyber Nations 2: You have two cows. One of them commits account suicide on the forums. The other declares war on the banned cow's alliance and nukes it to hell.

Ctrl-Alt-Delete: Shhh! There are two cows afoot.

Cyanide and Happiness: You have two cows, LOL FAG.

Datalounge.com: Cheryl has two cows and her pussy stinks!

DC++: *FART* räwkïïn mÿ äss wïth: "Anal gay - You have two cows" [genre:grind] <2m45s>

The Dugout: You have two cows. You must be an alias. Or Dutch.

Dueling Analogs: What if TWO COWS created Dueling Analogs?

eBaumsworld.com: A lot of talented yet underrated people have two cows, you steal their milk, rebrand it as your own and sell $6000 worth every day.

Ebaumsworld.com': You stole two cows.

eBay: L@@K!!! TWO COWS, MINT CONDITION! RARE! JOHNNY DEPP! COULD BE YOURS, BID NOW!!!

elgooG: swoc owt evah uoy :hcraeS

El Goonish Shive: You have two cows.... wait, wasn't that one a bull a few minutes ago?

Encyclopedia Dramatica: You have two kittens. You huff them and write articles while you're high.

Encyclopedia Dramatica: You have two cows for the lulz. [insert porn picture here]

Encyclopedia Dramatica: You have two cows, and fill them with lots and lots and lots of porn, troll them so they say something funny and then nitpick their quotes or gallery for proof they have some kind of mental disorder.

Encyclopedia Dramatica: You have two cows, and you make burgers out of their asses.

Euroipods: A website giving away two free cows in return for a) completing offers b) referring friends to do the same.

EVE-online: You have two cows. One of your cows completely pwns everything, so everyone milks it. All the new players start training to use that breed cow, since it is so ub3r. Whine threads are created on the forums, complaining about how they were ganked by your "overpowered" cow at a 0.0 entry point. Finally, CCP nerfs it so that it's udders have stacking penalties, rendering it useless. Everyone blames CCP.

Everything2: You have a 14th century ribald poem about cows and a confession about how you were traumatized by being hit by a cow's tail as a kid.

Facebook: We just sold your cows. There is nothing you can do about it now.

Facepunch Studios (Garrysmod.org): (INSTABANNED Used the word two cows which has been deemed so awful, and so wrong - that anyone that mutters this word is automatically banned for 7 days!)

Facepunch Studios 2: You have two bans. You post in the refugee camp and get three.

Fail Blog: Two cow FAIL

Fanfiction.net

Home » Books » Harry Potter

73. Two Cows by harrypotterismygod42 reviews

AU. Post HBP. It is the end of it all. Harry finds two cows hidden under his bed that turn out to be a deadly secret from his Death Eater mother's past, and Dumbledore and Sirius return from the veil and tries to stop them. Ginny and Ron consider their feelings for each other. Mild slash. Please R&R! COMPLETED

Fiction Rated: T - English - Romance/Mystery - Chapters: 86 - Words: 2013367 - Reviews: 0.3 - Updated: 12-24-05 - Published: 06-13-03

Fanforum.com: Poster 1: "I'm a Cow/Cow shipper!"; Poster 2: "C/C is the worst thing they ever did to the show, it was so much better when Cow was with Bull."; Poster 1: "I'm gonna bitch about you on my LiveJournal."

Fark: [OBVIOUS] Scientists discover if you own two cows, you can drink milk from them. Duke sucks.

Fark 2: You have two cows.; /obvious; //doesn't have two cows; ///got nothin'; ////it's a trap

Fark 3: You have two cows. Your dog wants to eat them.

Furcadia: [#] Beekin Reports!: OMFG BTW GO TO THE DEEGO MARKET 2 BUY UR FREE COWZ YOU HAVE TWO COWS U NEED MOAR

  DID I MENTION YOU NEED COWS LOL I DID DIDNT I WE NEED MONEY SO STICK IM UP BUY YOUR COWS
  GO TO THE DEEGO MARKET TWO COWS I SEMX DEM

Flamer: yor mom has sex with 2 cows

4chan: You have two cows. A b-tard shops Cracky-chan ears on one cow, and others begin to worship it and call for pictures of its udders. The other cow jealously begins cutting itself for attention, then someone discovers that it is underage and you are banned. Pictures of your underage cow are repeatedly posted to /l/ for months.

4chan (2): IMMA CHARGIN MAH 2 COWZ

fchan: You have two cows. One is a furry cowgirl, the other is a furry cowman, and they must stay in separate pastures or strangers watching them will complain. They may go to a special pasture to have sex, but strangers will complain. They may also go to another pasture to do some really kinky stuff, where no one will complain to avoid drawing attention to themselves. Everyone misses 5chan.

Fictionpress.com

Home » Fiction » Young Adult

73. Two Emo Cows by xXxEmoGurlxXx reviews

[MxM] Mason is a gay emo cow with lyk only 1 friend. after going to a boarding school he ttly falls for his preppy roomate who is ttly popular. I suk at summeries the story is good though. Plz R&R. My first story.

Fiction Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 6 - Words: 10045 - Reviews: 15 - Updated: 12-24-07 - Published: 06-13-06

Gaia Online: You have one cow wearing basic clothing. To get better clothing, you have to talk to porn trolls over the forums or play boring games. And in the end, your cow isn't really any better.
GaiaOnline (2): You have two cows, but they are ugly and make you look fat. if you want some cooler cows, you will either have to spend half of your lifespan playng virtual blackjack or send us all your money.
GaiaOnline (3): You have two cows. You complain about how much better it was when you only had one cow, and that there's only a second one because Gaia has sold out. A few people agree with you, but most either tell you that they also had one cow and like having two cows a lot more, or they fondly remember having no cows.
GameFAQs: You have two cows. One of them commits account suicide, whilst the other marks it for moderation and gets a hard-on when it sees a mod.

GameFAQs 2: [This message was deleted at the request of a cow or another cow]

George Lucas: You had two cows. Since 1997, one of those cows shoots first.

Gmail: Why have 2 megacows when you can have over 2 gigacows?

Gmail 2: You are currently using 1 COW (50%) of your 2 COWS.

Goatse: If you have two cows or find this image offensive, please don't look at it. Thank you!

Google: Results 1 - 2 of 2 for cows. (0.27 seconds)

Google: Did you mean You wish you have two cows?

Gizoogle: Y'all hazizzles two c-to-the-ows, yo.

Googlefight: Cow 1: 43,300,000 results | Cow 2: 40,800,000 results

Googlewhack: You have "geminate bovines."

Gunnerkrigg Court: You have two laser cows. Just like real cows! Only with lasers.

Habbo Hotel: POOL'S CLOSED DUE TO MAD COW DISEASE.

Habbo Hotel 2: OFFERS ON MY TWO COWS. YOUR 0.8 PROFF.

Habbo Hotel 3: You get to vote about which Rare Cow will be ressurected!.

Half Life: Counter-Strike Community: You complain about every aspect of your two cows yet you've owned them since 1999.

Hansoexposed.com: You have two codes that lead to video clips of cows. You don't know which order they're supposed to go in.

The Hanso Foundation: The Hanso Foundation site has been hacked by malicious infiltrators seeking to blemish the good work of two dedicated cows. Until a legal investigation is completed, the site will no longer be available to the public. Namooste.

Click here to see a statement by Dr. Twocows Verner Mittelmilk, President and Chief Technologist of the Hanso Foundation.

Homestar Runner: Sewiously Pom Pom, You have two The Cheats.

Homestar Runner #2: You have two men. I mean, you have two cowmen. Or maybe, you just have two cows.

Homestar Runner #3: You have a mix between two cows and a helicopter. And his talking would be just these weird sounds, and no words.

Homestar Runner #4: reading: "Dear Stong Bad. Do you have two cows?" Come on peoples! Check all of your e-mail for spelling and grammar! Yes, I have two cows. They get along very well with my The Cheat.

Homestar Runner#5: You have two cows. You can't milk either of them, because no-one seems to be up to the joerb.

Homestar Runner#6: Ye find yeself in yon dungeon. Ye see TWO COWS and also ye FLASK. Obvious exits are: North, South and Dennis.

Homestar Runner#7: You have two cows, and don't forget... um, Lionel Richie!

Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki: You have two cows. Gunhayver punches them. Some other guy, possibly Mitchell00, thinks it's funny and blatantly copies. It becomes a running gag.

Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki 2: You have two hundred cows. The wiki gets purged because they suck at producing milk.

Homestar Runner Wiki: You have two cows. They are declined in STUFF after a lengthy discussion.

Homestar Runner Wiki 2: You have two cows! Why!

Homestar Runner Wiki Forum: You have two cows. But none of the regulars care about cows anymore, so your 27 topics on how cows type with hooves go unanswered.

Howrse: You have two cows, and CraXoR only has one, but everyone likes CraXoR's one cow more than your two. You bitch to the Mods about this, and they take your cows away from you. You will have to spend real money to get them back.

HumanForSale.com: You have two cows. They both cost $123,456,789 on HumanForSale.com.

Icanhascheezburger.com: You has a two cows! LOL!

Icanhascheezburger.com #2: I can has two cheezburgers?

IFSkinzone.net: You have 2 cows. IF Styles has only 1. Ha ha IF Styles, ha ha.

Itunes: You have 2 cows. A new version of cows (2.01)is availale. Would you like to download it now?

Jabber: <message type="chat" id="xxxxx" to="user@server.ext/Client" >; <body>You have two cows.</body>; <x xmlns="jabber:x:event">; <composing/>; </x>; </message>

Jamendo: You have gotten 2 cows in a way that Farming Industry Association of America cannot do anything to you.

Joel in The Sixth Sense: I see cows everywhere........

JumptheShark.com: The first two seasons of You Have Two Cows were great. Then in the third season they replaced one cow with a different actress, killed off the other cow, introduced a nauseatingly cute "New Calf in Town," did an "All-Mooing, All-Dancing" episode, and worst of all, added Ted McGinley to the cast.

Kafka: You had two cows, but one morning you wake from disturbing dreams to find out one of your cows has turned into a giant vermin. Two well-dressed men arrive, and explain you never had those cows in the first place, and you must now be tortured for stating otherwise. You die like a dog.

Kingdom of Loathing

You are fighting two cows. In Soviet Russia, two cows have you!

You hit for 619 damage. KERPOW! BIFF! SOCKO! WHAM! ZOT! ZAP!

You win the fight!

You gain 76 meat.

You acquire an item: cow's milk

You gain 8 Wizardliness.

Kingdom of Loathing (2): You have two cows. You accidentally tip one cow over, and all the milk that was in storage gets erased.

Kingdom of Loathing (3): You have two cows. They are loaded with subtle references from bands you never heard of, nor would you ever want to hear of.

Kings of Chaos: You have two cows. Send this referral link to your friends (OK, random uninterested people in forums and chatrooms) to get more.

Kottke.org: I don't want to start a holy war here, but what is the deal with you Two Cow fanatics? I've been sitting here at my freelance gig in front of Two Cows (8600/300 w/64 Megs of RAM) for about 20 minutes now while they attempt to copy a 17 Meg file from one folder on the hard drive to another folder. 20 minutes. At home, on my Two Goats running NT 4, which by all standards should be a lot slower than these Cows, the same operation would take about 2 minutes. If that.

Last.fm 1

Shoutbox for "Two Cows":

xJUSTxTWOxCOWSx: Ya, rly, gtfo this shoutbox, if u dont like it, dont lisen 2 it.

CowManiac: Shut up, BrutalPerson88, you've got an OMI half a point lower than I do. Therefore I'm more open-minded than you are, and therefore you suck.

BrutalPerson88: Listen to real metal, not this moocore garbage.

xXxGawthxXx: OMG tehy savd me from miself!!!!!!1111111

Last.fm 2: Your two cows are currently listening to Radiohead.

Livejournal:

Posted July 15th 2005 by user gothboy43402

goddamit my stupid fucking mom gave me two fucking cowz 2day, my life sux. im sick of all :theze ppl who cannot handl the fact that im a sk8r and a punk. anyway i joind a band 2day :and im playing guitar we r goin to b the next linkin park. this is my new layout by the way, i like the colorz!!!!11!!

Lost: Fuck knows.

LUE: You have two bovines with which to create fad topics about.

LUE 2: You wish you had two bovines with which to create fad topics about, but instead you take pictures of the cows of LUE, and hope for the best.

LUE 3: THE TWO COWS ARE MADE OF LAVA

LUElinks: You have two ASCII arts of Mario riding Yoshi. Vote 10!

MetaFilter: You have two cows. Instead of milk, they squirt out PepsiBlue.

Metroid Prime: Hunters: You have 2 cows, and... HEADSHOT!

Metroid Prime: Hunters 2: You have two cows. One cow just 7-0'd the other.

MegaTokyo: You have two cows with huge eyes and no spines.

MegaTokyo 2: You are stuck in Japan with two cows. One is named Largo and drinks entirely too much b33r; one is named Piro and constantly gets down on himself about how pathetic he is. Wacky hijinks ensue.

Menage a 3: You have two cows. They share an apartment with a geeky virgin. One of the cows has enormous udders and everyone wants to fuck her. The other is bisexual and spends her days wanking off to gay porn.

Mr. Poe's Morgue: When people criticize your two cows, you throw a hissy-fit and your fans proceed to harrass the offender. When you criticize Karen Traviss's two cows, she throws a hissy fit and her fans attack you. Then you complain that you're being censored and that Traviss is insulated by sycophants.

MSNBC: You have two (CLICK HERE TO BUY VIAGRA!) cows.

Related articles:

You have two cows.

Chimp takes over MSNBC.

You have two cows.

Myspace: <3<3Hey you two cow hotties! Thanks for the add!11!<3<3

MySpace 2: Repost this in 1 minute with the title "I HATE MY COWS" or your two cows will die and never come back to you.

MySpace 3: You have two cows. You whine and moan and complain because they're not getting 5,000 comments a second.

MySpace 4: You broke my two cows.

Nation States: You post at International Incidents forum that you have two cows. Some nation posts that you shouldn't have two cows, and starts a 10+ page war.

Neopets: Something Has Happened! You are now eligible to use "You Have Two Cows" as an avatar on the Neoboards!

Neopets 2: Something has Happened! The Pant Devil took your two cows. And your pants. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ~TNT~

Neopets 3: You have two cows. Your Account is Frozen for Having two cows. You start an new account and moan a bit - No-one really cares. You get a job and perhaps even a life. You still want to murder Featherally though.

Newgrounds: You gave "Two Cows" a 1 out of 5! This raises it's score from 0.3349 to 0.3352! If this movie is blammed, you get a blam point!

Nintendowifi.com

Leaders
You 2 Cows
Lex_Luthor 15 Bulls
CrazySylux 100% USDA Approved
Ryo-Ohki 4412 Consecutive Cows

Nintendo Wii: You have two cows. You update your cows constantly, but you still see your neighbour with 500 homebrew cows. Your cows love bowling.

Not Always Right

[Supermarket, NY]

[I'm working in the butcher's department when a customers runs up to me]

Customer: Do you have two cows? I need two cows.

Me: Well, we have some lovely cuts of beef over here, ma'am, if you'd like to...

Customer: No, not beef, you dumbass! Cow! I need two cows!

Me: Well, beef comes from a cow, ma'am. Do you mean two actual cows?

Customer: Yes! Christ!

Me: Well, I'm afraid we don't sell actual cows here.

Customer: You're lying to me! You've got them out the back and are trying to hide them from me! I demand to see your manager! I'm gonna sue you!

The Onion: "Two Cows" Joke Copyrighted By Pope Benedict XVI, Harriet Myers and Kobe Bryant

The Onion #2: Two cows were amazed by tremendous amounts of blood. Two cows were amazed by tremendous amounts of blood. Two cows were amazed by tremendous amounts of blood. Two cows were amazed by tremendous amounts of blood. Two cows were amazed by tremendous amounts of blood. Two cows were amazed by tremendous amounts of blood. Two cows were amazed by tremendous amounts of blood. Two cows were amazed by tremendous amounts of blood...

The Onion - Jackie Harvey: Item! Too Cows has just been seen on the Hollywood catwalk with Lindsay Loan!

The Onion - Jean Teasdale: You have two cows. They are fatter than I am. Isn't that wonderful, my Jeanketeers?!

Orange Lounge Radio: All this talk about two cows is making us angsty, and you know what happens when we get angsty: COWS DIE. It's time for the FU's Of The Week!

Order of the Stick forums: You have 2 cows. Everyone agrees that these cows are amazing even though they haven't moved for a week and nobody knows why.

Outpost Gallifrey / The Doctor Who Forum / Gallifrey Base: You have two cows, but people keep picking arguments about whether the new cow is better than the old cow, because the new cow has better special effects and increased character development (i.e. 'shipping and squee moments for the fangirls), but the old cow has Tom Baker in a long scarf and a certain old-fashioned BBC charm (i.e. everything looks like it was made out of cardboard and bin liners on a budget of ₤2.53, and girls didn't like it). Every so often someone starts a thread decrying the new cow as the worst cow ever, and will keep this up until the new cow is itself replaced, at which point the latest cow will become the worst cow ever.

Overheard in New York: Queer on cell: So I was fucking my two cows in the ass last night...; --Times Square

Pakistan: You have 2 cows, you pat them both on the heads, and then watch as an insane man brutally decapitates them while sitting on them, somehow after this experience you feel profoundly blessed =D.

Penny-Arcade: You have two cows. Wangs.

qdb.us: #49243 (2/2); <Roofman> hay guys guess what; <thorax> wut; <imh1gh> what?; <Roofman> YOU HAVE TWO COWS!!1; <imh1gh> LOL; <fergie> ROFL; <2cows> LOLOLOL I LIKE INCEST!; <thorax> OMG LOL BASHED!; Comment: #desperatechannelwhoring on EFnet

qdb.us 2: #49244 (2/2); <cSk|Sperry> You have two cows, /hop and /quit. /hop runs away. Which cow is left?; * tehw4nn4b31337n00b has quit IRC; Comment: He typed /quit and closed IRC!

PvP: You have two cows but they are destroyed by the panda.

Questionable Content: You have two cows. The first cow is in love with the second cow, but the second cow has problems or something. But most importantly, the two cows listen to Mogwai.

Rate My Poo: It looks like you had two cows for dinner last night.

Rather Good: We love the cooooows! Cause you have two of them!

Rather Good 2: COW! CUBE! COWUUUUUBE!

Red vs Blue: You have two cows. One is red, the other is blue. The blue cow keeps missing perfect headshots and the red one goes through the teleporter, going back in time and turning black.

Rule 34: For the love all that's holy, that's NOT how cows are supposed to use the milking machine!

Rule 34 #2: Two cows one cup.

Runescape: You have been killed. All items and gold have been taken from your inventory and put where you died. This includes your Two Cows. Another player takes your Two Cows and kills them to gain Attack Points.

Runescape2: Examine 2 cows. They convert grass to beef.

Salad Fingers: You have two cows. You wonder what they taste like.

scans_daily: You have two cows. One of them uploads some of the pages from the latest issue of Action Comics. The other one bitches about the cancellation of Blue Beetle. Fuckin' Dan Didio.

Shortpacked!: You have two cows. One of them is a whiny and annoying Transformers fan who collects toys and has occasional adventures with the eccentric employees of the toy store he works at. The other is Batman, who can breath in space.

Slashdot: You have two cows. They have poor social skills and live in your basement. (Score:2, Informative)

Slashdot 2: The farm is down due to /. effect... try again later

Slashdot 3: You have two cows, but they were posted last week.

Slashdot 4: No cows for you to see here, please move along.

Slashdot 5: 1. You have two cows (Score: 5, Funny); 2. ???; 3. PROFIT!

Slashdot 6: You have two cows. (Score: -1, redundant)

Slashdot 7: In Soviet Russia, two cows have YOU!(Score: 5, Funny)

Slashdot 8: I'm lactose intolerant, you insensitive clod!

Slashdot 9: Imagine a beowulf cluster of these cows! (Score: 5, Funny)

Slashdot 10: Sig: You have 10 cows, one that understands binary and one that does not.

Slashdot 11: I for one welcome our two cow overlords. (Score: 5, Funny)

Slashdot 12: Netcraft confirms it: One of your cows is dead.

The Smoking Gun: World-famous "Two cows" busted for possession of marijuana, indecent exposure, and assault.

Spam: Add 2-5 inches to your two cows now!!

Snopes: My sister's best friend's mother said you have two cows so it must be true.

Snopes 2: Claim: You have two cows.; Status: True.

Something Awful: Cliff Yablonski hates your two cows.

Something Awful 2: You have two cows. You post a picture of them on Something Awful. Some other SA Goon calls you a dork.

Something Awful 3: (USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS COW)

Sparknotes: You have two cows that are symbols of the farmer's desire for power over others.

Suicide Girl: You have two cows and their blogs make you hot.

Stormfront: You have two cows. They don't hate chickens, they just believe that the bovine race is a dying race.

Team Fortress 2: You have a blu and a red cow. You complain constantly that your cows are too weak compared to the soldier.

The Straight Dope: Cecil Adams says you have two cows.

Tomb Raider Chronicles: Friday goodness! Spanking new renders of two cows! And a paragraph of information copied from the last update, with no new content whatsoever!

Tomb Raider Chronicles (2): "Super high resolution" cows now avaliable to download! In 640x480.

Tomb Raider Forums: You have two cows. People won't stop whining about them, and start GROTC (Get Rid Of Two Cows). They want their old, two dimensional bitchy cows from the old games back.

Tomb Raider Forums (2): You have two cows. You start a project to remake them. You give up after starting the training level.

Tomb Raider Forums (3): You have two cows. You write fanfiction about them getting it on with Kurtis and Larson.

Tomb Raider Search Engine: LOL CHATBOT HAS UR 2 COWS

TTA: Just look at them. Such an adorable bunch of colorful kids. It's hard to believe that they were the ones that had the two cows.

Tucows

Download your 2 cows here!

Tucows 2

Tucows 2 IS 2 cows

Tv.com

Welcome to Tv.com! The new two cows of TvTome!

TV Tropes Wiki

You have two cows. They are two of the Oldest Ones In The Book.

TV Tropes Wiki 2

This Troper found the dead, soulless look in the second cow's eyes in You Have Two Cows to be pure Nightmare Fuel. I Am Not Making This Up. But Your Mileage May Vary. Something vaguely similar happened in This Troper's favourite webcomic.

TV Tropes Wiki 3

The So Bad Its Horrible You Have Three Cows is a disgrace to the You Have Two Cows franchise, and This Troper considers it Dis Continuity.

TV Tropes Wiki 4

You have an egregious example of two cows.

Tv Tropes Wiki 5

Brutally subverted in Obscure Japanese Manga #6 in which the protagonist has three cows.

TV Tropes Troper Tales

This troper had two cows.

Twitter: RT @twocows You have two cows. #TwoCows

Urban Dead

Two Cows attacked you for 3 damage. (09-08 21:01 GMT)

You have been killed. It costs 10AP to get up.

Urban Dead 2

You have two cows. They search and find nothing.

Venus Envy:

You have two cows, one used to be a bull but transitions to become a Cow and passes as such effortlessly. Your cows do nothing with short bursts of activity then one cow goes fucking nuts and stabs the cow that was a bull because she looks so beautiful.

VG Cats: You have 2 cats.

Uncyclopedia: You have two cows. Stop clicking this link after an hour.

Uncyclopedia 2: I burning your cows.

Uncyclopedia 3: You have two cows, but nobody cares and you have to use recursion to milk them. AAAAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAA AAAAA! And remember, watch out for grues.

Uncyclopedia 4: AAA AAAA AAA AAAA. AAA AAAAAA AAAA AAAA.

Uncyclopedia 5: Oscar Wilde has your two cows.

Uncyclopedia 6: You have two cows. Neither one is very funny, although they think they are.

Uncyclopedia 7: You have two calves. You huff one of them. The orange ones fuck you up real good.

Uncyclopedia 8: You have two cows with an unhealthy and somewhat puzzling obsession with Oscar Wilde.

Uncyclopedia 9: You have two cowbells, some articles here need more.

Uncyclopedia 10: You have two cows that appear to be ripped off from The Onion.

Uncyclopedia 11: You have two cows. You put them both at QVFD because they are not funny

Weebl and Bob: You have two cows. You make pie out of them but never get to eat it. You say "Damn you wee bull, you win this time."

Weebl's Stuff: You have 3 cows. Unfortunately one of them is a flying moon cow and flies away.

Whereisalvar.com: You have two chocolate cows. But you can only post one of them a day.

Wikipedia^{[citation needed]}.: You have new cows.; "You have two cows" is the beginning phrase for a series of political joke definitions^{[citation needed]}. "You have two cows" jokes originated as a parody of typical introductory-level economics course material examples featuring a farmer in a moneyless society, using his cattle and produce to trade with his neighbors^{[citation needed]}. The examples ran along the lines of "You have two cows; you want chickens; you set out to find another farmer who has chickens and wants a cow, etc." They were meant to show the limitations of the barter system, leading to the eventual introduction of currency and money^{[citation needed]}. The "two cows" parodies however, place the cow-owner in a fully fledged economic system where cows are used as a metaphor for all currency, capital, means of production, etc. The intent is often to point out flaws and absurdities in those systems^{[citation needed]}.

Wikipedia #2

Two cows, it its broadest possible sense, is two of any members of the family Bovidae taurus, two domestic even-toed ungulates from the order Artiodactyla.

Wikipedia #3: You have two cows. You release them under the GFDL, but they are deleted because they are unsourced and not notable.

Wikipedia #4: You have two cows. They both AfD you.

Wiki User Wiki: You have maybe twenty apathetic adolescent cows in a pasture that is actually a giant sinkhole. The cows in charge abuse their power all the time, especially the one dressed as a pizza mascot. Cow-bans are thrown around with wild abandon. Most of the decent cows have left this sinkhole pasture. Nobody remembers who Homestar Runner is anymore. One of the ex-cow users is so pissed off by this that it rambles into another pasture and makes a "you have two humans" story about it that really has nothing to do with humans and is really not that funny.

Will It Blend?: Cow smoke! Don't breathe this!

World of Warcraft: You have two cows. You disconnect from the lag. You go complain on the forums about how you can't have fun because if you don't play with your two cows in order to get that sword that someone else could get easier. You also demand monetary recompensation for the time you won't get to play with your two cows. You make some lame, incoherent, empty threats that involve switching to Everquest, but when the server is finally back up you go and play with your two cows and forget this ever happened. The Alliance wins, but the Horde wins the battlegrounds all the time, and you complain on the forums about that too.

World of Warcraft 2: You have two cows, but it won't matter once the Expansion pack is released and they become worthless, along with the hybrids.

World of Warcraft 3: You have two cows. War Stomp gets nerfed. $50 later you have two night elves.

World of Warcraft Community: You complain that Warlocks' Two Cows are overpowered yet you refuse to become one or think that you are the better cow farmer since you're not using the Easy mode. And to think last year all you did was complain about the Shamans' two cows.

Worth1000: Have fun, be creative. Don't forget the cliche list. As always, quality is a must. We will remove two poor cows no matter how much we like you. You'll have 48 hours for this contest, so make your submission count.

xkcd: You have two stick-figure cows. Well, sort of. This chart says you only have half a cow.

Yahoo

Yahoo've two cows

Yiffstar (lol)

You have two cows. You pretend to be one and imagine yourself having sex with the other all day.

Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series: Screw the rules, I have two cows!

You Porn: You have two cows. They film themselves having anal sex and upload it, but you don't understand the title because it's in German.

YouTube: You have two DUN-DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

YouTube 2: This video has nothing to do with two cows.

YouTube 3: This is a video of two cows. *click* Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down...

YouTube 4: These two cows have been removed due to ownership claims of Universal Cow Group.

YouTube 5: Your two cows have been muted by Barner Moosic Group.

YouTube 6: You have two cows. You are forced to leave with one cow in terms of violation of use. Your other cow is also forced to leave despite the fact of not violating anything.

Youtube Poop: Where there's smoke, they have two cows.

Youtube Poop: You have-ave-ave-ave-ave-ave t-t-t-two cows PINGAS! That's Mama Luigi to you, Mario!

YouTube Poop: You have OVER NINE-THOUSAAAAAND PINGAS. The King tells you how much you can *bleep* them and when, then pays you not to DIE. Then the King comes over, shoots one PINGAS, *bleep*s the other one dry, and pours the Come! down the Isle of Koridai for dinner. Then the King asks you to fill out SPARTAAAA accounting for the missing PINGAS. Or else you will DIE!

Yoda: Two cows you have, use them you must!

YTMND: You have two cows. You have two cows. You have two cows. You have two cows. You have two cows. You have two cows. You have two cows. You have two cows. You have two cows. You have two cows. You have two cows. You have two cows. You have two cows. You have two cows. You have two cows. You have two cows. You have two cows. You have two cows. You have two cows. You have two cows. You have two cows. You have two cows. (You are promptly downvoted by someone who has an unreasonable hatred for Dairy Products.)

Zombo.com: This is Zombo com. You can have any number of cows at Zombo com.
Obmoz.com: This is Obmoz com. Zombo com says you can have any cows but i know it is not true, those cows are in fact sheep.

Zug: You have two cows and I farted and ate a bar of soap so now I'm funny.

Uncyclopedia presents: the You have two cows anthology!
	Analysis Anime Bovine Quotes Cowmedy Emootions Endings Famous Cows Groups This cow does not exist In the Moos Language of Cows Literature Moosical Moovements Moovies Non-Video Games People Politicowl Junk Programming Languages Religion Software 'n Such Sound of Moo-sic Television Travel Video Games Vol. 2 Vol. 3 World and Web of Cows You Have `n` Cows Science Moodicine Game Consoles Game Genres Capitalism
“In Soviet Russia, two cows have YOU!!” ~ Yakov Smirnoff on You have two cows

You have two cows/25

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