You have two cows/16

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This article is part of the You have two cows series.

Angry German Kid
You have... two...START! START ZWEI COWS!!! Neeeeeiiinnnnnn" *smashes keyboard* "These cows are lame! Where's the delete button? Don't make me break another keyboard, die, two cows!!!"

Nobody knows you're acting.

Angry Video Game Nerd
Now you have two cows. Now you have FUCKIN' SHIT! You're better off fuckin' shit than fuckin' with these fucked up cows! FUCK THESE COWS! You don't know shit about how fuckin' shitty these fuckin' cows are! They're so bad they suck! They're so fuckin' suck they fuck!
Angry Video Game Nerd (2)
Oh look, I finally got enough grass to go and buy a cow that I need to cross the swamp! Now let me get to the farm. Oh shit, it's fucking night time! Now the farms are all closed and I have to wait for it to turn day again. Oh well, I might as well kill some cows in the meantime and stock up on some more cows...OH SHIT!! NOW I GOTTA START ALL OVER AGAIN!
Nostalgia Critic
Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Hey, you have two cows!! {Silence}...Big-Lipped Alligator Moment!
Donald Rumsfeld
"There are known knowns, cows that we know we have. There are known unknowns, cows that we know we don't have. There are unknown knowns, cows we don't know we have. And there are unknown unknowns, cows that we don't know we don't have."
Afrikaans People
Oi gun loik ta be aving two cow and a jean pant.
I went into their ranch and strangled their two cows.
David Oates
Swoc owt evah uoy.
Hannibal Barca
You have 37 war elephants.
Hannibal Barca 2
You have 2 cows, but you can't get them over the Alps.
Hall & Oates
Private cows are watching you, they see your every move.
Hall and Oates 2
But I can't go for those cows (no can do).
Eric Bauman
You have 0 cows. I stole 2 from you, and had them branded.
Sean Connery
You're the cow now cow!
Tom Cruise
You have two cows. They change their religion and ruin your furniture.
Doug Fieger
Never gonna stop, clean 'em up, such two dirty cows I alwways get it up, for the touch, of the heavy kind, my-my-myyiyi WHOOO!
Billy Joel
Go ahead with your own cows, leave me alone!
Billy Joel 2
We didn't start the fire. Your two cows did.
Fred Phelps
The Scout
You have two cows. BONK!
The Reagans
You have two cows. One of them is dead. The other underwent udder-reconstruction surgery.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy
Ask not what your cows can do for you, but what you can do for your cows. (BANG!)
John Cage
You (4'33" pause) have (same pause) two (same pause) cows.
Emmett L. Brown
According to this, a lighning bolt will strike the two clock cows at precisely 10:04 P.M Saturday night!
Persian Messenger
"This is two cows!"
King Leonidas
"Two cows? Cows!!! Are!!! Spartaaaaaa!!!"
King Leonidas 2
"Tonight, two cows dine in Hell Heck!"
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf
Two cows? What two cows? There are no cows in Iraq. The infidel cows are digging their graves at the doors of Baghdad as we speak
Sweedish Chef
Yuoo Hefe-a tvu coos. Bork Bork Bork!
Benito Mussulini
These two cows want peace, life, and calm. I will give these things with milk if possible, with beef if nessesary.
You have two cows. Let's kick it up a notch! BAM! You have one cow and this succulent rump roast! (Crowd applauds)
Bill O'Reilly
You have two cows. You show up in the barn at odd hours and massage their udders, despite their moos of disapproval. You whisper through a knothole in the planking that you want to take a shower with them, and rub a milk jug against their pussies. You know they secretly like this kind of talk. All cows do.
Balemero Venzetti
In all my life I have never tranquilized, never stole, never spilled milk...I have suffered because I'm a rancher and indeed i am a rancher. I have suffered because I'm Italian and indeed I am Italian. If I could die two times, and live again two more times, I would live to eat what I've eaten already.
The Count
You have TWO! TWO COWS! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Elmer Fudd
You have two cows. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit!
Two cows, you have.
beep beep blip beep
Darth Vader
I find your lack of cows disturbing.
Darth Vader (2)
Luke, I have your two cows.
Luke Skywalker
(making constipated face) Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Darth Vader (3)
See above.
Obi-Wan Kenobi
That's no cow, that's a space station!
Han Solo
I had a bad feeling about these two cows.
Obi-Wan Kenobi
These aren't the cows you're looking for.
Bo Jackson
Bo knows you have two cows.
Jean-Luc Picard
Kathryn Janeway
There's two cows in that nebula!
I could make a delicious stew with those two cows and some leola roots.
Those two cows... I can feel their presence. It's as if they're still here.
Emmett L. Brown
1.21 gigacows?? 1.21 GIGACOWS??!!
Marty McFly
Oh man, these cows are heavy...
Seven of Nine
Yes, I have heard of these two cows. Their species was assimilated by the Borg. They added to our perfection.
Tom Paris
If we don't get more power to the two cows, we're gonna have to get out and push.
Counselor Troi
There are two cows, I can sense their presence
Voyager's Holographic Doctor
Please state the nature of the two cows.
Worf : Sir I protest! I am not a merry cow!
'Odo : Security reassignments, Major. Sorry it took so long; it's been a bovine afternoon.
Q : You hit me... Cows never hit me
Hey Vegeta, How many cows do I have?
You have one cow. It is over nine thousand.
Commander Adama
They've killed our cow, so I told'em there is a second cow to give them hope.
President Roslin
Oh, the second cow is real. I believe in the cows.
Jerry Seinfeld
What's the deal with these two cows?
Ha! Sure you can have two cows, asshole. These!
(sadly) Those should have been my cows...
Al Franken
Hehe...So, there are these two Republican cows...hehe, hehe...and you have them...hehe, hehe...You know my wife Frannie's family once had two cows...Hahahahaha!....So, anyway...where was I?
Roger Waters
I have two cows. I would have three, but David Gilmour and George W. Bush are secretly conspiring against me.
Paris Hilton
I have two VERY round, soft, wiggly 'cows'... Wanna see?
Paris Hilton
I hav to coews, I am one of them. *Ugly pose*
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman
I am Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your senior drill instructor. From now on you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be sir. You have two cows. Do you maggots understand that?
Marine recruits
Sir Yes Sir!
Sir we have two cows, Sir!
Jack Thompson
Video games are turning two cows into a violent, godless cow. You plan to stop it by writing a book in which you call Muslims infidels and become a totaly senile asshat in front of the world.
Jack Thompson 2
You have two cows. Their milk is worthless because they're gamers.
Michael Jackson
Hey, are those two calves?
Captain Kirk
These are the voyages of the starship Entercow. It's continuing mission, to explore strange new cows, to seek out new cows and new civilizations, to boldly go where no cow has gone before.
William Shatner
You have.
I don't have any cows. I feel cheated.
Me 2
I have 3 cows... I must either be gifted or in need of a hamburger.
You have two cows. Those are MY two cows! MINE! When you turn your back I will take them, because those two cows are MINE!
I got a FWD> Email and learned that two cows were responsible for JFK's assassination, but blamed it on the patsy Oswald. I later checked on Snopes and found that this had been discredited.
Oscar Wilde

“You have two cows.”

~ Oscar Wilde on You have two cows

Tom Baker as the Fourth Doctor
Would you like two jelly cows?
Colin Baker as the Sixth Doctor
Two cows? Two cows?! Two cows?!?!?!
Who Wants to win a Million Cows?
You have two cows. Here, take them from my hand and hold them. They are yours to keep; you can walk out of here with them at any time. Now, the next question is for four cows. You have two lifelines left. There are four questions on the screen now, you don't have to answer if you don't want to. have a look and see if you want to have a go. Are you sure? We'll come back to that straight after the break. Don't go away, we'll be right back on "Who wants to win a million cows?"
Mr. T
I pity the fool who has only two cows!!! I have in 10-20 billion cows in my caravan! You ain't got bling if you ain't got cow!
Tyler Durden
You are not your two cows. The two cows you own; they end up owning you. You must break free from your cow possessions. Only by destroying your two cows can you ever know what it's like to have two cows. TV tricked us into believing that we would all have two cows. We're just beginning to realize that we will never have two cows, and we are very, very pissed off. If this is your first night at cow club, you have to milk.
Schrodinger's cows
You have two cows. They are in a closed box. They are simulentaneously both alive and dead until you open the box. Oh, and if a cow moos in a pasture and no one is there to hear, does she make a sound?
Heisenburger's Uncertainty Principle
You have two cows, but you can never see both of them at the same time.
Holstein's Theory of Cowativity
Read as, "hamburger equals moo times the speed of cow squared."
Werner Heisenberg
You have two cows, but when you know where they are, you don't know where they're going, and when you know where they're going, you don't know where they are.
Horatio Caine
Now, here's what I want your two cows to do...
The Matrix
"The two cows are the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth."
"You've got to let it all go, Neo. Free. Your. Cows."
"Do not try to understand what the two cows are saying. That's impossible. Instead, you must try to realize the truth."
"What truth is that?"
"There are no cows. Then you will see that it is not the cows that moo, but only yourself."
The Oracle
"Having two cows is like being in love, Neo."
"Holy Jesus!! What are these goddamn animals??"
Dogs Playing Poker

"What do you have?"

"Two cows"
"You win, beats my two pigs"
"Back in my day, we had to walk 15 miles in the snow to the two cows. And all for a glass of mil...Zzzzzzzzzzzz."
Two Cows
You have us.
Welcome to Tucows. We have software downloads.
George W. Bush
"You have two cows. They hate freedom, they hate democracy and they are cowards."
Rodney King
"Can't the cows just get along?"
Leviathan 2
"I will STEAL your cows and give you back MANGLED COWS! *evil cackle*
"Only together can we turn the cows to the Dark Side of the Fence."
Palpatine #2
"You have two cows. I have forseen it."
Palpatine #3
"There are some who would consider these two cows to be... unnatural."
Old McDonald
"And on my farm I had two cows before the rest of you people. E-I-E-I/O"
Bart Simpson
Don't have two cows, man.
Homer Simpson
Mmmmm... cows
Homer Simpson 2
I have two cows? D'oh!
Some other Simpsons character
It's good to have two cows, Homer.
Homer Simpson 3
It has two cows, yesss, yessss. Thieves! Filthy little, tricksy thieves! They stole it from us."
Lil John
"You have two cows"
"You have two cows"
Adrian Nastase
"Come and count my two cows!"
Wonder Mike
"Now so far you've just heard my voice but I brought two cows along" - Farmer's Delight
Philip Glass
You have two cows. You have two cows. You two have cows. You have two cows. You have two cows.
Philip Glass 2
Two Cows Two Cows Two Cows You Have Two Cows Two Cows
Cows Two Cows Two Cows Two Cows Two Cows Two Cows Two
Cows Cows Cows Cows Cows Cows Cows Cows Cows Cows Cows
Two Two Two Two Two Two Two Two Two Two Two Two Two Two
You Have You Have You Have You Have You Have You Have
Two Two Two Two Two Two Two Two Two Two Two Two Two Two
Steve Ballmer
I've got four words for ya: YOU HAVE TWO COWS!
Steve Ballmer 2
Farmers, farmers, farmers, farmers, farmers, farmers, farmers, farmers...
Steve Ballmer 3
I’m going to fucking bury those two cows, I have done it before, and I will do it again. I’m going to Fucking Kill them.
Steve Ballmer 4
As far as I can tell, the phrase 'You. Have. Two. Cows. YEEEAAAAAAAAARARRRRARAGH!' has FIVE words, not four.
Logan St. Claire
Lets have two cows,ride'em and then melt the bridge
Jerry Maguire
You had me at one cow
Ash Ketchum
COW, I CHOOSE YOU!!!!!!!!!
Howard Zinn
You have two cows. In order to fully understand the history of the cows, you must see it from the perspective of the cows, rather than just the Capitalist owner.
For every cow you don't eat, I'm eating three.
I didn't steal any cows! I got receipts for both!
Rush Limbaugh
My friends, the liberal media wants you to believe that you have two cows...
Andy Rooney
Cows are shit.
Charles Foster Kane
I think it would be fun to have two cows.
Mastor Haxor
You had two cowors, but I HAXEDIT!
You have two cows, they're both omo.
Bob Dole
Bob Dole has two cows.
Pat Robertson
You have two cows, they are not learning intelligent design. God will smite them.
Sonic the Hedgehog
Kids, there's nothing more cool than two cows! But if someone tries to touch your cows in a place or in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable, that's NO GOOD!
Rene Descartes
Because my senses are prone to deception, I cannot know definitively that I have two cows.
Pope John Paul II
You have two cows. EYE BEAMS!
Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris has two cows. 360 degrees later, he has no cows.
Chuck Norris 2
Chuck Norris' two cows are orbiting the earth after he roundhouse kicked them.
Chuck Norris 3
If you have two cows and Chuck Norris has two cows, Chuck Norris has more cows than you.
Clint Eastwood
These are two belgian blue-cows. The most powerful cows in the world. Give them a billion years, and they'll destroy the ozone-layer. So you gotta ask yourself: Do I feel lucky? Well do ya, punk?
Arnold Schwarzenegger
You have one cow. Then, suddenly, a robot clone of the cow arrives from the future, to kill the other cow. For a moment you have two cows, until a nuclear blast destroys the world.
Tom Brady
I have two cows, and a baby goat.
Wayne Brady
Does Wayne Brady need to choke a cow?
Both your cow are belong to you
Zero-Wing Captain 1
What happen to two cows???
Zero-Wing Captain 2
Take off two cows!!! For great justice!!!
Zero-Wing Mechanic
Somebody set up us the two cows.
Yakov Smirnoff
In Soviet Russia, two cows have YOU!
urban freeflow
Urban freeflow have two cows. They are perfectly good for their jobs with highly efficient udders, but the media have very little interest in them. Urban freeflow put big bells on their cows, believing it will make the media happy. All of the people who liked the cows the way they were before get really pissed off, and urban freeflow remove the bells. Everyone else who has two cows mocks urban freeflow for their foolish mistake.
Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton has two cows. So she has sex with them. She then begins to eat the two cows in hamburger form while washing a car provocatively.
Mr. Chow
Geeeeet dis Caaoooow out of da weeeeeey!
Gary Coleman
Whatchor two cows talkin' about, Willis?
Jimmy Pop Ali
You have two cows. Your bed collapses.
René Magritte
ceci n'est pas une vache
Michael Moore
On 9/11, despite the nationwide flight grounding, the Bush government had two cows flown out of the country. Doesn't that strike you as suspicious?
David Icke
You say you have two cows, but that's just what they want you to believe. They are in fact two lizards in disguise, part of a secret cabal that runs the world.
Monty Python
The cows aren't important. A few friends call me "Two Cows" and that's all there is to it. I wish you'd ask me about the music. Everybody talks about the cows. They've got it out of proportion -- I'm a composer. I'm going to get rid of the cow. I'm fed up with it!
Monty Python 2
But where are the two cows? They're over there, in a box.
Noel Edmunds
You have two cows. Deal or no deal?
David Bowie slept with Mick Jagger
You have two bulls. One is arguably androgynous AND bi and sleeps with another bull. Some cow walks in on them.
Xero has two cows. In a magic act he turns one into a flock of pink chickens and cuts the other in half. Without killing it. Without a magic box. Lunch is chicken soup, dinner is roast beef. Abrakadabra is over-rated.
Using his amazing agility Tearak turns 300 cows into steak pieces in 2 minutes.
You have two sports cows. You annoy Kitty and call her a freak. In a fit of rage Kitty eats both cows well no-one is whaching. She only leaves 3 hooves, a horn and the ear tags so you know not to mess with her.
Yuo have two cow messages. Jenny bullies you into leting her deliver them. On the way she gives Jack magic beans she stole from you so he won't be in as much trouble, becomes a were-beast and gets strang powers. She finds that the messages are recipes for apricot chiken and now threatens to eat any one who finds out shes a were-beast if the tell anyone.
You have two cows. A 6 foot 5 inch girl orders her crew mates to turn them into steam powered flying machien. They do this and throw out the cows as they have no us. The movie deals of being a prisoner gets you 3 million dollars even though you didn't do anything.
A red-with-white-striped haired freak incases your two cows in gum.
Rick James
Fuck your cows, nigga; fuck your cows!!
Charlie Murphy
Wrong! WRONG!! You're talking about two cows man!
Charlie Sheen
You have two cows. One is a hooker, and the other a crackhead.
Neville Flynn
That's IT! I have had it with these two motherfucking cows on this motherfucking plane!
Revolver Ocelot
Two cows; more than enough to kill anything that mooves.
Weebls Stuff
Two cows, two cows, two cows, two cows, two cows, two cows, two cows, two cows, two cows, two cows, two cows, two cows, two cows, one bull! One bull! Two cows, two cows, two cows, two cows, two cows, ...
Meg Griffin
You have two cows. Which one did you stuff the drugs in?
Meg Griffin
You have two cows. You stuff them with explosives and send them to Lois.
You two cows wanna get high?
Admiral Ackbar
our cruisers can't repel cows of that magnitude
Reggie Fils-Aime
My name is Reggie, I'm about kickin' cows.
Kaz Hirai
Farm is powered by's Two Cows! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO COWS! Remember that one?
In my country there is problem, and that problem is two cow
I am from Cowzakhstan.
You have two cow......NOT!!!.
Monty Hall
You have two cows. Would you like to trade them for what's behind curtain #2?
M. Night Shyamalan
You have two... all your movies suck.
1337 H4xxx0r
U had 2 c0wz, i pwned dem!!!11! I'm in joor base killing y0ur do0dz!!1!!!1111
Derren Brown
You have two cows. Derren uses a psychological procedure to choose one of the cows. The ensuing events cause Derren to almost shoot himself. The other cow thinks the whole thing was faked.
Wilford Brimley
I check my two cows. I check 'em woften.
you have two cows, but i fuck them
Richard Nixon
I am not a crook.......I worked HARD for these two cows.
Boba Fett
Those Two cows are no good to me dead!
Jason Fox
"I got two cows! I beat the system!"
"Dude. You're supposed to get three."
Ceiling Cat
Ceiling cat is whatching you have two cows.
Barack Obama
You have two cows: Hope and Change. You talk about them all the time at the expense of talking about any serious plans.
Rick Astley
We're no strangers to cows!! You know the rules, and so two cows!!!
U haz too kows!!!
Yes, you have two cows. If you tell us about this, you will be BANNED. Thank you.
Neville Flynn
I have had it with these motherfucking cows on this motherfucking plane!
A Japanese person
Dennis Miller
The last time I saw two cows like that, Nero was practicing his fiddle while Rome became a towering inferno!

Immanuel Kant:Up to now the two cows' owners have been feuding. You try to reconcile them by pointing out that both cows are important in any farm.

Uncyclopedia presents: the You have two cows anthology!

“Enough is enough! I have HAD it with those motherfucking cows on this motherfucking field!”

~ Samuel L. Jackson on You have two cows