You have two cows/6
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This article is part of the You have two cows series.
- Anarchy
- You have two cows. You let them do whatever they want and they form a dystopian empire on another planet.
- Capitalism
- You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. They multiply, you reap the benefits, the cows fart until there's no ozone left, yet you still sit in your armchair every evening wondering who the fuck you are.
- Capitalism 2
- You have two cows. You milk them, but when you go to sell the milk, you find that the bottom has fallen out of the market because ConAgra is dumping mass-produced milk from cows hyped up on rBST.
- Communism
- You have two cows (property of the people), both of which are your responsibility to look after as part of your job in the local agricultural collective.
- Socialism
- You have two cows, the financial gains from which may possibly be subsidised by the government in order to preserve the rural culture you live in.
- Enronism
- You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island dropdown entity secretly owned by your CFO who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on six more.
- Fascism
- The state owns two cows that they deceive you into thinking you own. It doesn't really matter though, because the state has you and your two cows shot.
- Feminism
- You have two cows. As a feminist, you value them and treat them as your equals.
- Feminism 2
- You have a cow and a bull. You are sick of how the cow is not treated well compared to the bull, so you try to make the bull's life a living hell. This is fair.
- Feminism 3
- You have two cows. One is a bull. The heifer in your lawn gets more action than you do. You decided to picket and have a rally. No one cares.
- Extreme Feminism
- You are female, and you have two bulls. You castrate them out of sheer superiority and to make them equal to you.
- Chauvinism
- You have a cow and a bull. You belittle the cow and pay it less for grazing.
- Feudalism
- You don't have two cows, which are ultimately owned by your Lord and protected by his professional soldiers.
- George W. Bushism
- You have two cows. They can't find any WMDs or Osama Bin Laden either.
- Democrat Liberalism
- You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
- Republican Conservatism
- You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. He's obviously lazy.
- Kanye Westism
- You complain that George Bush doesn't care about your cows.
- Hinduism
- You have two cows whom you treat with utmost respect because of your religious beliefs.
- Hinduism (2)
- "Bow down to the two cows!"
- Libertarianism
- You have two cows, both of whom belong to you and no one else, so leave them alone.
- Calvinism
- You have two cows, which you see as a wonderful gift from God. They are hard workers and have no complaints.
- Stalinism
- You have two cows, which, along with you, risk being killed due to enforced collectivisation.
- Leninism
- You no longer have two cows. They were taken away because "Crime is a product of social excess," whatever the fuck that means...
- Orwellism
- You have two cows. These cows are equal, but one is MORE equal than the other.
- Orwellism-2
- You have two cows. No you don't. You never had two cows.
- Orwellism-3
- You have two cows. If Big Brother rations you two more cows, you now have five cows. Kill Emmanuel Goldstein.
- Nazism
- You have two blonde, blue-eyed cows. You also think Adolf Hitler is a great leader.
- Pessimism
- Your two cows have lived out half their lives.
- Optimism
- Your two cows have half of their lives to live.
- Environmentalism
- You have two cows who live in a paddock that has been specially designed to make as little impact on the original environment as possible. Once they die, you choose not to replace them because you know that cows produce a lot of methane, which is bad for global warming.
- Surrealism
- You have two green cows, which you place on the inverted staircase next to the horseradish-festooned vacuum cleaner lamp.
- Alcoholism
- You have two cows. Actually, you've got just one, but since you drank too much lately, you see it twice.
- Colonialism
- You have two white cows in the same field. They feel superior so the bigger cow sends the other one to another field. That field is inhabited by a red cow who is happy to share his grass with the white cow. Instead the white cow gives the red cow mad cow disease and it dies. Then the white cow brings a black cow from yet another field and make the black cow do all the plowing while the white one eats all the grass.
- Russian Reversal
- In Soviet Russia, two cows have YOU!
- Apatheticism
- There are two cows. Someone gave them to you, you didn't really want them in the first place. I guess they thought it would teach you some kind of responsibility or some shit. Anyway, last time you checked the backyard, they were just chilling and eating grass, so they are probably cool. I'm going to go eat some Cap'n crunch and go to bed. I'm fuckin wasted.
- If you're a corporation in...
- Great Britain
- You used to have two cows, but gave them away due to guilt. You are ashamed of ever having owned cows.
- France
- You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
- Japan
- You have two cows. You redesign them so they are an eleventh the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
- Denmark
- Everyone has two cows. You're all very happy.
- Germany
- You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
- Italy
- You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
- India
- You have two cows. They sue your ass if you eat them or if you're McDonald's putting beef patties into your Big Macs. And oh, if you operate a fruit stand or vegetable stand, you're in deep trouble.
- New Zealand
- You have two cows. You trade them for two sheep who play rugby.
- Russia
- You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
- Switzerland
- You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
- America
- You have two cows and the Chateau de Champagne at Steak and Ale with your "sister," after that big merger at the plant.
- Holland
- You have two cows. You milk them for cheese. Then you get high.
- Beastiality
- You have two cows. You enjoy their company regularly.
- Zero Wing
- All your two cows are belong to us.
- Microsoft
- You have two Microsoft ActiveCows. They take up a few acres of farmland, leave your pastures open to wild animals, and produce sour milk once a month, but Microsoft says they're integrated into your farm forever and can't be removed.
- Apple
- You have two cows. One is a young hip cow who thinks he's a Mac. The other is an old boring cow with a tie who thinks he's a PC. The old cow dies of some new virus (number 12,134,722) and is later (two years) saved by Microsoft. Then he turns blue and no longer works. The young hip Mac cow gets killed by a hit man hired by Bill Gates.
- Open Source
- You have two cows. They're Commies, and they have cancer. Bill Gates says so.
- McDonalds
- You have two hormone enriched cows. Both are slaughtered. You have no cows.
- GM
- You have two cows Your 650-cow milking factory is a little underused. Your 3,205 employees currently at home on job bank are getting older and now need that medical care. You decide to design another cow that produces less milk than the original two, and lives half as long. Government will pay for that expansion to 950-cow milking capability. Happy Days.
- Toyota
- You have two cows. Most of the time they work great but occasionally they accelerate wildly and run into eachother.
- Ford
- You have two cows. They come in any colour, as long as it's black.
- Subaru
- You had two cows. You feed them steroids and they produced 5 times the amount of milk they once did. They both won lots of competitions. Your wife got angry. You now have two plain cows again. Those were the days.
- BMW
- You have two cows. They make average milk. You tell people it's the best milk in the world. That you make it white with your cleverness. People believe you. You make lots of money.
- Renault
- You have two cows. They make milk. Someone said. Not sure? Or was it coal? You fit massive horse shoes to them both, as punters like that.
- Honda
- You have two cows. They produce milk at much higher speeds than anyone else can. They're milked by a robot you made. Who flew a jet you made. Clever you.
- Porsche
- You have two cows. They were always so good, that for 30 years you never let them breed with any other type of cow. Then you went mad and bred one with a Giraffe, and one with a Pygmy. It was horrible and people cried.
- Land Rover
- You have two cows. They eat too much grass and will soon be illegal. Oops.
- Alfa Romeo
- You have two cows. They are stunningly beautiful. They produce lots of milk. Occasionally.
- Ferrari
- You have two cows. They are red.
- Aston Martin
- You have two cows. You make them into the interior. You now have no cows, but very opulent seats.
- Lamborghini
- You have two cows, and they are insane.
- Ariel
- You have two cows, but they are missing most of their skin so their bones are exposed. They run very, very quickly.
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