You have two cows/1

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This article is part of the You have two cows series.

Adams Analysis

You have two cows. The acquisition of two cows has often been regarded as a bad move. You could let them convince each other that it's time to commit suicide and feed themselves to you, but the easiest way to demolish them and make way for some more deserving animals is to name them both Agrajag and wait for Arthur Dent to kill them.

Adams Analysis 2

It is known that there is an infinite number of cows, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is yours. Therefore, you must have a finite number of cows. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average number of cows you have can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the number of cows in the whole Universe is also zero, and that any cows you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.

Aristotelian Analysis 1

The having of two cows is the "golden mean," the proper balance between deficiency and excess. Happiness results from acting in accordance with rational principles such as golden means; ergo, happiness is having two cows.

Aristotelian Analysis 2

The perfect shape is the circle. The path of least resistance for material things is therefore to travel in circles; ergo, cows travel in circles. No, we do not need to go and test this to determine its veracity.

Berkelian Analysis

You have two cows. You put your cows in a drawer and close it. Your two cows cease to exist.

Birth Analysis

You have two cows, one's pregnant. What do you do? You eat the other.

Bureaucratic Analysis

You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. Then The Government Will Fine You For "Killing Two Cows / Improperly Filling Out Form" Finally, The Government Kills You For Not Being Fined Properly.

Captain Obvious Analysis

You have two cows.

Cartesian Analysis

You have two cows. You know this because you can see them. But, as it so happens, it is possible that you are just dreaming that those cows exist and therefore cannot actually know you have two cows.

Cartesian Analysis 2

You have two cows, you know this because you can see them. But you have no way of proving that you are not actually being deceived by an evil demon and therefore cannot prove that those cows are there.

Chuck Norris Analysis

You have two cows. Both die under strain of awesomeness. Four cows now appear.

Chomskyian Analysis

You don't have two awesome cows. Why? It's the fault of the American-Israeli military complex and the corporate-controlled mass media.

Chong Analysis

You have two cows. Both of these cows are represented by two bulls. These two bull/cows give you some bad acid and you then see them turn into seagulls. The seagull/bull/cows fly away and lay on the ground next to you in a puddle of smoking grass. The puddle is absorbed by the ground and you lay on top of one of the puddle/seagull/bull/cows and cry yourself to sleep out of sheer lonliness.

Confucian Analysis

You have 2 cows. It is important to respect them both. The superior man respects his cows, and uses them to pursue the betterment of society, and not for profit.

Cowell Analysis

Those are quite possibly the worst two cows I have ever heard.

Creationist Analysis

In the beginning, God made two cows. They populated the Earth. With sheep. But the Cows were never married, therefore all Cows afterwards were struck down to Hell.

Cruise Analysis

You have two cows, but you don't know the history of cows. I do. You're so glib! I'm gonna go jump on a couch now.

Dadaist Analysis

yoU hAve T2WO cows, they won?t turn their LEgs around-` Op~pst.

Darwinian Analysis

You have two cows. One is born with an advantageous mutation. It passes on its genes to its descendants. The other cow cannot compete and dies.

Daniel Dennett Analysis

If you believe these are sacred cows, then just wait a minute and I'll have two hamburgers to show you.

Descartian Analysis

You think, therefore you have two cows.

Descartes 2 - Cartesian Cowordinates (X,Y)

You have two cows. One is located at the origin (0,0), and the other has jumped over the Moon (3750000,7600000).

Dilbert Analysis

You have two cows. You should probably get them out of your cubicle.

E. E. Cummings Analysis

two cows lived in a pretty how town

Elko Analysis

You have two cows? Big deal. I have three sheep!

Fallout Analysis

You have two brahmin. You kill them, then sell their parts for bottlecaps.

Freudian Analysis

You have two cows. You dream that they come to your bedroom at night, dressed in your mother's clothes. On waking, you initially deny that this could mean anything. On further consideration you move through phases of intellectualisation, displacement and projection, and finally determine that the cows represent a psychic compensation for the passive/aggressive treatment you received from your father during your adolescence. Also, you want to have sex with your mother.

Freudian Analysis 2

Your mother gave you cow envy, so you want two cows.

Futurist Analysis

An infinite series of bovine planes unite in a momentary aspect of Cow to feed the populace and inspire the ceaseless juggernaut into the -- (author was assassinated before he could finish his thought)

The Galileo Analysis

You drop two cows down a ramp and see which one goes faster. It turns out that cows do not like to go down ramps. You are trampled by two cows.

The Galileo Analysis 2

You have two cows. It's obvious they walk around your house almost in a circle. The Pope says the cows walk around HIM. You prove him wrong and get put into house arrest. You remain there for the rest of your life.

  • 500 years later, the current pope apologizes.

The Galileo Analysis 3

You have six cows. Because six is an evil number, all cows get shot, and you spend the rest of your life claiming you had seven cows.

The Gandhi Analysis

You have two cows. One tries to break into your home using a baseball bat. You bravely stall the invasion by letting it hit you with the bat repeatedly. The cow declares Sovereign Authority over the neighborhood. The other shoots some of your neighbors for "rioting." You bravely protest by letting it hit you with a bat repeatedly. Some neighbors are mad the cows took over, and shoot some other neighbors. You bravely protest by starving. The shooting stops. The cows leave. You are happy. Your neighbor shoots you. The cows never come back.

The Gandhi Analysis 2

You have two cows. You get to work late because they are blocking your driveway, and touching is FORBIDDEN.

The Gene Ray Analysis


The Gestalt Analysis

You have two cows, and together they are better than any two separate cows.

Gödelean Analysis

No farm able to support two cows can ever be complete.

The Grammar Nazi Analysis

You haven't NOT got two cattle.

Hegelian Analysis

You have two cows. The having of two cows is the -thesis-, and their very existence brings about in the World Spirit necessarily their negation, or -antithesis-, which is Mad cow disease. These two combine and form a -synthesis-, which is you not having any cows but instead insurance money, which is itself a new thesis, and as such necessitates the existence of its own antithesis. These will one day combine and form a synthesis, which is its own infinitum, until you have a Farm, which is the ultimate ethical ideal and the final state of your agriculture.

Heraclitian Analysis

We milk and do not milk the same two cows, we are and are not.

Heraclitian Analysis 2

"It takes a blow to drive any animal to pasture."

Heraclitian Analysis 3

"You can never own the same cow twice, for different and again different cows are owned."

Hitlerian Analysis

You admit you want your two cows to inspire terror in others.

Hitlerian Analysis 2

You have two cows. You declare one cow to not actually be a cow because it is not tall enough, and orders its slaughter to preserve the stock.

Humean Analysis

You have two cows, but you don't know that because of any good reason. Knowing a cow is a bad habit.

Humean Analysis 2

You had more than two cows, but you realized that only the mathematics cow and factual cow are valid cows. All of the other cows have to be thrown into the fire. Locke agrees with you, so you burned all of the other cows, except Math cow and Fact cow. Now you have two cows.

Jungian Analysis

You have two cows. You accept that the cows are archetypal symbols of cowness that you have inherited from the collective unconscious. You avoid attaching any permanent meaning to the cows to prevent them from losing their symbolic power and thus engendering a form of neurosis. You finally achieve complete individuation by creating a balance between the cowness and symbolic cowness of the cows.

Kabbalistic Analysis

You have two cows. This imbalance of feminine vs. masculine will have an adverse effect on the Godhead. You should ideally have one bull and one cow, that male and female may be as one above and below.

Kantian Analysis

You are told you have two cows. You have tried to prove that they exist and have failed. You have tried to prove they do not exist and have failed. Therefore, you are perfectly justified in accepting the existence of your two cows since their existence is beneficial (i.e., you get milk).

C.S. Lewis Analysis

If I say I have two cows, I am either a liar, a lunatic, or I'm telling the truth. I say I have two cows, and I am neither a liar nor lunatic, so I must be telling the truth. Also: Jesus.

Gongsun Longzi Analysis

Sophist: A White cow is not a cow.
Person 2: How so?
Sophist: "Cow" specifies shape, "White" specifies color. If you wanted just a "cow," it could be white, spotted, or black; "White cow" does not include spotted or black cows. Ergo, a "White cow" is not a cow.

L. Ron Hubbard Analysis

You have two cows because the galactic lord Xenu put thetans in your body millions of years ago. Give me your money.

The Matrix Analysis

There is no cow.

The Matrix Analysis 2

You have two cows. Eat the blue one, and you wake up back in your bed. Eat the red one, and you'll get to see how the world really is.

Mathematical Analysis

You have two cows, you kill one, you have one cow.

Mathematical Analysis 2

Your existence reaches its limit as your number of cows reaches two.

Nagelean Analysis

What is it like to be a cow?

Nietzschian Analysis

You have two cows. They are the herd. You are the individual. The cows have failed to unfetter themselves from the unquestioned foundations of the same-thinking slave morality. You have risen above this, revolted against slavery and achieved one-ness by the triumphant affirmation of your creative energy by killing the cows and eating them. Raw.

Nietzschian Analysis 2

The cows are dead.

Nihilistic Analysis

What's the point, I say? Your two cows will be incinerated in a short while, along with you.

Nihilistic Analysis 2

Nolanium Analysis

You have two cows. Wait! Are these real cows, or are they cows from the dream of a dream of a dream?

Non-standard Analysis

You have two cows. You divide by zero and then multiply by infinity. You have one cow. Fool!

Mr.T's Analysis

I pity the foo' that don't have two cows!

Objectivist Analysis

A cow is A cow. Your cows, to be commanded, must be obeyed. You can't have your cows and eat them too.

Fred Phelps Analysis

God hates your fag cows. He shall mock you in the face and send you to hell along with your sinful cows. I wish your two cows had been in the Twin Towers when they went down in Jew York City.

George Orwell

You have two cows, Their milk is stolen by the pigs, who learn to milk them, and is stirred into the pigs' mash every day while the other animals are not given any such luxuries.

Pink Floyd Analysis

You have two cows. One went away after going batshit from too much Licksumdick. The other's sticking around, now making all kinds of weird, scary, entertaining noises like MOOOOOOO MEEEEEERRRRRRR MAAAAAAAAAAAAA I lost my train of thought.

Platonic Analysis

You have two cows. Your two cows are the physical manifestations of the ideal form of a cow. All knowledge is only ever knowledge of the forms. These forms are a necessary condition of existence for your two cows and define the various ways in which sensible cows can exist. Forms are immune from change, since they have no spatial or temporal properties. Therefore your two cows are immune from change as they lack spatial and temporal properties

Pythagorean, Hindu, and Buddhist Analysis

Don't eat either of your two cows, one could be a dead relative.

Portalidian Analysis

While you may THINK you own two moist and delicous cows, both of them are a LIE!

Quinian Analysis

If someone speaking another language comes up to you, points at your two cows and says something in his language, he could be saying "you have two cows." However, he could also be saying "hark," or "behold, for there are two cows before me that are yours," or "two instances of cowness," "two four-dimensional temporal-spatial representations of cows," "the appearance of two cows," etc. This is known as the Indeterminacy of Translation, and it actually applies to even your own language. It can be overcome by knowing every word in a target language, and nothing less.

Realist Analysis

You have two cows with which you will wage war to obtain more cows so your cow-nation will grow and prosper.

Rortean Analysis

In your language group you have two cows; however, what you perceive can be interpreted in infinitely many ways, and what people in other language groups interpret you as having you cannot objectively dispute (since it would be nothing more than the perspective of you and people who agree with you). Language groups are incommensurable.

Russellian Analysis

-Writes Principia Bovinica- Pg.360:

"...therefore, one cow plus another cow is two cows."

Sadist's Analysis

You have two cows. I wonder what their screams sound like?

Salvador Dali Analysis

You have two melted cows with long stilt-legs.

Salvor Hardin Analysis

Having two cows is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Samuel L. Jackson Analysis

You are tired of these Motherfucking Cows on this Motherfucking Farm.

Goddam J.D. Salinger Analysis

You know, when I was a kid, I used to have these two cows. Old Bessy was always moo'ing around and me and old D.B. were always playing around it. Now he's up there in Hollywood with all the phonies. Old Bessy, she's still hanging around, always eating her grass and stuff. You've gotta see her face when she's eating. That really kills me.

Skeptical Analysis

You suspend judgment on whether or not you have two cows.

Schenkerian Analysis

All moos are elaborations of a descending linear progression. The second cow must coincide with a dominant harmony.

Schrödinger's Cow

You have one or two cows in a box. You cannot see inside the box. You do not know if inside the box you have One Cow or Two Cows. Before you open the box, you have both One Cow and Two Cows inside the box. Once you open the box, the probability wave will collapse and you will find out if you have one cow or two cows. One or more of your cows might be dead.

Scholastic Analysis

How many cattle can graze on the head of a pin?

Soviet Russian Analysis

You have two cows, you drink vodka, you have four cows, you drink more vodka, you have eleventy six cows, you run out of vodka, you count again and realize that you only have two cows, you open another bottle of vodka to drown the loss of eleventy four cows

Soviet Russian Analysis 2

In Soviet Russia, two cows have YOU!!

Sorties Analysis - Nihilism

A cow is made up of many atoms; 1 atom does not make a cow. Adding another atom to that does not make a cow, nor would adding one atom after that. In other words, mere addition of atoms (n+1) does not make a cow. Following from that, 10 quadrillion (n+1, n+2,... n+10^15) atoms does not make a cow. You do not have two cows, nor do you even exist since -you- are made up of atoms too!

Sorties Analysis - Epistemism

After the addition of -just one- atom a group of atoms becomes a cow. In recognizing multi-atom objects, as a result you contradict yourself an infinite amount of times (once for every other instance of n+1 but the one where it changes to an object), but at least you get two cows out of it.

Sorties Analysis - Supervaluationism

Every group of atoms and every object participates to a degree in two-cowness, some to more and some to less degrees than others. You have a group of atoms/an object that participates in a very high degree of two-cowness.

Soviet Analysis

Originally, you lease one cow from the government. You find out the cow is pregnant and get excited to have your own cow. Now you have two cows. The KGB comes and you have no cows.

Surrealist Analysis

You have two Aardvarks, one is painted green. Your two Aardvarks open a financing company in order to support their turtle who is on the dole. Consequently, people keep offering them pomegranates shaped like Richard Nixon's face. The Government requires them to take harmonica lessons before dismantling a giant soviet sewing machine.

Talmudic Analysis

Mishnah: The School of Shammai says: "You must have four cows." The School of Hillel says: "You need only have two cows, that the poor not be disgraced." And the law is according to the School of Hillel.
Gemara: Why does the Mishnah say you must have two cows? Why not one cow and one bull? Rabbi Yohannan said: "In former times, farmers owned one cow and one bull, but that led to lewdness; therefore the Sages prohibited it." Rav objected: "Doesn't the Torah say, 'Be fruitful and multiply?'" Samuel countered: "It only says that with regard to birds, fish and human beings, not with regard to land animals." But Rav Ashi said, "Given that it is written 'Be fruitful and multiply' with regard to the former, we may infer by analogy that it applies to the latter." Then how does one breed one's cows? By taking them to visit the bulls on a Gentile's farm.

Thales' Analysis

Everything is made of milk.

Unknown Analysis

To err is to be human. To have two cows is bovine.

Yoda Analysis

Two cows, you have.

Yoda Analysis 2

The cows matter not. Cows not make one great!

Zen Analysis

Koan What is the sound of one cow lowing?

Answer: Mu.

Zeno's Analysis

When you milk your cows, in order for the milk to travel from the udder to the pail it must first traverse half the distance between the udder and the pail. In turn, it must first traverse half of the remaining distance, and so forth. Therefore, it is impossible for the milk ever to reach the pail.

Zhuangzi Analysis

I had a dream that I was a cow. Or at least I think so; how do I know that I am not really a cow dreaming he's a human?

Zhuangzi Analysis 2

Zhuangzi: Your two cows enjoy grazing.
Sophist: You can't know that, you are not my two cows.
Zhuangzi: You can't know that, you are not me!

Zhuangzi Analysis 3

You have two cows, but to be happy, you must not take pleasure in the cows.

Zhuangzi Analysis 4

You have two cows, but it does not matter that you have two cows.

Zero wing Analysis

All your cow are belong to us. You have no cows now. You have nothing to milk buy your time!

Uncyclopedia presents: the You have two cows anthology!

“Enough is enough! I have HAD it with those motherfucking cows on this motherfucking field!”

~ Samuel L. Jackson on You have two cows