You have two cows/20

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This article is part of the You have two cows series.

Free software
You have two genetically engineered cows, that you got for free. You further modify the genes of the cows. Your cows' milk becomes the fountain of youth. You publish plans for the cows so that anyone with enough dedication can make similar cows. Everyone takes your formula and sells it. You cause hundreds of companies to come into existence, and none of them ever pay you a dime. That's okay, though—you have "become truly free".
You have two genetically engineered cows, given to you freely. In fact, the cows' milk cannot be used for any proprietary purpose, but feel free to sell it as long as the buyer can do whatever he or she wants with it. No, wait. We can't add a nice strawberry taste to the milk because then proprietary farmers might use it, not to mention that strawberry milk would taste terrible. In fact, we can't add any new gene features to the cows, because that would make it more attractive to proprietary farms. Our cows are better though, we were ahead once and we're still ahead, if for no other reason than we say so.
Our cows grow your business. So what, they may be a bit sick, have a disease or two. Get the facts! They outperform any other cows in milk production 300%! In fact, we want to keep getting you to buy our cows, so we will listen to our customers, have them fill out surveys, and write ad campaigns targeted towards their responses, whether it's really "More stable and secure!" or not. Top error reporter each month gets a free trip to Cancun. Updates to the cows' genetic code are released every third Tuesday, provided that the date is a prime number and the temperature in Nairobi is the square root of eleventeen. Have you activated your copy yet?
You have two cows, but you don't own them. They are sick and you spend more on keeping them healthy than you make with them. You are unaware that alternatives exist, and their milk is addictive.
Microsoft Windows
You have two cows and a stupid dog in the corner telling you where to find your damned files. One of your cows has caused a general protection fault and now neither of them will ever produce milk again, even if you kill them and replace them with two brand new cows. The dog never dies.
Microsoft Windows 2
Error:404. Two cows not found. There could be a number of reasons for this to happen. You most likely meant One cow, because Bill Gates has Two cows, not you.
  • Press any key to continue mooing this screen.
  • Smash your monitor to continue mooing this screen.
  • Attempt to "borrow" a cow from your friend, only to have this particular screen to pop up stating that you cannot have Two cows at once.
  • Switch to Macintosh so that you may have as many as Ω cows, but you can't do that.
Microsoft Windows 3
You have two cows that came with the farm you just bought. They work very well, but you notice your neighbors, who have Mac cows and Linux goats, are making fun of your cows for some reason. After about a week, one of the cows is acting sluggish and unresponsive. You call in a virus detector who says it is infected with the Mad.Cow.Disease trojan. Before you are able to asses the problem, it turns blue and faints. It revives and works normally after you give it medicine, but the other cow has became infected and has destroyed all of your farm equipment in a terrifying rampage. You follow a work-around you found online, however you start seeing more billboards are showing up around your farm. The first cow breaks one of its legs and is now unable to perform the most basic of functions. You burn down your farm in frustration.
Microsoft Longhorn Windows
You never had two cows. You were told five years ago that you were going to get two longhorn cows, and they showed up on your doorstep, but then they evaporated into Vaporware and you had to clean the sticky mess left behind off your doorstep. You were told two years ago that the cows might come back the very next day but this time the cows would have longer horns. Then you were told that these were magic cows that you could plant in your garden and turn your computer into a giant search engine to find all your files. This is because you suck at finding files. A year ago you were told that not only were you able to search all the files on your computer, but everyone else was as well. This is good news if you thought you were going to do anything depraved and sickening to your cows, but bad news if you want to buy other cows with your credit cards.
Microsoft Genuine (Dis)advantage
You have two cows. Microsoft shows up at your farm and takes them, telling you that you have not activated your two copies of Microsoft Cow. You complain to Microsoft but the Microsoft building caught fire. You sell your farm and move to the South Pole.
Microsoft Azure
You have no cows. Create one to get started!
Windows Server
You had two cows. They did all the usual things that cows do. Now, they are unable to disconnect themselves from the milking machine, and even their very thoughts and actions are controlled by it. If the milking-machine stops, the cows just stand there and look nonplussed.
Small Business Server
As for Windows Server, except that your two cows now have to double as bull, buffalo, bison, reindeer, camel, llama and yak at the same time as performing their bovine duties. Understandably they get very confused.
Norton Anti-Virus
You have two cows. You're having a nice time milking them, and it's all going smoothly. But then a strange figure appears. Your Norton "Anti-Virus" alerts you by saying, "HOLY SHIT! SOME DUDE WANTS TO STEAL YOUR MILK AND CORRUPT YOUR COWS! I'LL GET RID OF HIM!" You wait, but Norton just stands there doing nothing. You ask him what to do, and he says, "DELETE THE GUY BEFORE IT BLOWS UP YOUR COWS!" but gives you no instruction on how to delete him. You tell him to shut up and go away but he doesn't. Turns out the strange figure was just the milkman.
An arrogant (well, not as arrogant as the GNU...) pig dressed up to look like a cow. In order to perform up to specifications, the pig...err cow, demands massively parallel pastures in which to graze. If given what it demands, it will run the Oracle very well. Most dislike this cow for its arrogance, especially the GNU. But the Sun does not care; it functions on a different level of existence. It speaks many strange languages, such as SVR4, BSD, POSIX, and DTrace. It's main concerns are scalability, flexibility and observability, which is in contrast to the Linux, which is fixated on speed.
You have a million rabbits. They run a lot faster than cows, but aren't as friendly. You can't even give them away. In order to use them, you must RTFM. Similar to GNU. These rabbits are totally convinced that they have surpassed all other cows, of course the Linux are young and mostly unfamiliar with the wisdom of the older breeds, such as the OpenVMS, the Sun, and the AIX. The Linux are flexible and very fast, but they still have much to learn.
Linux 2
You have one cow for free. You begin by milking the cow by hand, but soon tire of the effort. Unfortunately the cow's udders are incompatible with your milking mechanism that you have. You send off for a the free adapter, and someone promises to make you one. You wait a week for it, but it doesn't come. In the meantime you try to alter the cow so that your milker will work with it. To your misfortune this causes the cow to produce milk every other day. The adapter finally comes, but you find that using it causes the cow not to eat. Tired of messing with this cow, you try and give it away, hoping someone else will fix the problems for you. In the meantime you get a different cow, one thats smaller, and faster. However this cow only has one udder, which is still incompatible with your milking machine. You are stuck with two cows that won't talk to each other and won't eat the same food.
Gentoo Linux
You have a braindead cow called Larry. You work on it for a week. Now it has a cyborg brain and laser beams.
Gentoo Linux 2
You have two stripped-down cows that consist only of basic parts necessary to keep a cow alive. You spend hours optimizing your COWFLAGS, and then compile organs, skin, udders, etc, by yourself.
Debian Linux
You ask for two cows, but are given two mastodons. You are told that such recent innovations as bovines are still being tested for stability, but that you can install them from the 'bleeding edge' repository if you are the risktaking kind.
You have two cows that don't even need a field to live in. You can milk them anywhere that happens to have a machine.
Novell (SuSe) Linux
You can have your two cows for free, but if it makes you feel guilty that you got them for nothing, you can alternatively pay a King's Ransom for them.
Arch Linux
You have two stripped-down cows that consist only of basic parts necessary to keep a cow alive. You configure said parts yourself and add other parts to make the cows into whatever you want.
You buy two cows which supposedly die a lot less than normal cows, and that have a neat white gloss on them. However, they die in a shorter period of time than normal cows, but don't turn blue when they do, so you don't realize they are dead (you just think that they are being a bit slow).
Mac 2
YOu have two cowwwwwwwww-*reboot* You have two cowwwwwwww...
Honor System Virus
You have two cows. Please send this virus as an attachment to everyone in your address book and delete all the files on your hard drive.
You have two cows. They are beautiful and work perfectly, but no one will buy them, probably because their milk isn't compatible with the majority of cereal. They will buy your chicken, however, which helps your stock.
Apple 2
You have two cows, neither of which will fit on your iPod mini. You kill one by hurling your Pod at it out of anger and frustration.
Apple 3
You have two cows, one of which is a status symbol, while the other is too expensive

for most people and is said to be worse.

Mac OS X
You have the prettiest two Jersey cows ever seen. They have the shiniest eyes, and can lick their own ears with their tongues. New cowbells are available every month for download. However, manufacturers still only make milking machines for Frisians.
Windows Vista
You have two cows minimised on your desktop. Taskbar>Switch between cows. All cows are scrollable. Nice
Windows Vista (2)
You have two cows. Is this OK? The cow moos. Is this OK?
You have two cows, anyone can do whatever he or she wants with them. People can trample babies with them for all you care. You will never feed them undocumented feed or use undocumented equipment, because you believe in true Freedom.
OpenBSD 2
You have two cows. It is rumored they have security holes, but those are leftover vulnerabilities from NetBullSD which were patched in 1997.
OpenBSD 3
You have two cows. Their milk became proprietary after version 1.2.1, so you created OpenMilk which is a lot more popular.
OS/2 Warp
You have a cow. It's hideous. It's also a cripple. It's own mother killed it and adopted another cow.
You have two cows. You use one of them as a web server, and one of them as a router.
NetBSD 2
You have a toaster and an old Sun workstation. You milk the workstation and make a web site about it using the toaster as a web server.
Plan 9
The new, improved Moonix from Bull Labs. Instead of making a farm out of two small cows, you make a single cow out of two small farms.
You have two cows out of a maximum of 4. Only one can produce milk at a time.
You have TUCOWS.
When you download two cows from Gain, we will give you pop ups in return.
You have two cows with viruses.
You have two cows. They take four days to milk. You can only get 99% of the milk you need.
You have two cows. You cut-and-paste their heads onto naked women's bodies.
Epic Fantasy Story
You have one cow that tells the truth, the , the other has POV
You have two perfectly spherical cows.
You have two cows. They follow the path y = 4x2 − 2. Solve for the cows.
You have two cows. You will never use them again.
Geometry 2
You have two cows. Grass = Cow A. Cow A = Cow B. Cow B = milk. Prove that grass = milk.
Formal Cowculus
You have two cows. Take UNIQ4199b6cd51d010-math21f6799e57546d000000001. UNIQ4199b6cd51d010-math21f6799e57546d000000002, your cows are within ε of the derivative.
For all ε>0, there exists a δ>0 such that you have δ cows.
You have two cows. You can't do shit with them unless you have a brain the size of a blue whale.
Visual Simulation
You have 3 cubes. One is red.
You have two cows. These cows combust according to the formula H2Cow + O2 Æ CowO2 + H2O + 512KJ. How much heat will be released in the combustion of 3.2¥1023 cows with an excess of hydrogen and oxygen?
You have two cows. One gets in a spaceship and leaves Earth, traveling near the speed of light. The other cow remains on Earth. A certain amount of years later, the cow in the spaceship returns. However, he has aged less than his twin on earth due to the theory of relativity.
Quantum Physics
You have two really tiny cows. They exist as both cow particles and cow waves. You can't really measure them because attempting to measure them will make them collapse into a penguin. Your two cows are intricated : whenever one of your cows is milked, the other is milked too, and your two cows lose their phase and only their amplitude remains. You decide to forget about them and buy two chickens instead. You're much better off.
You have two organisms that produce milk, and have four stomachs. They cannot reproduce because you have no males of the species. They will soon die of natural causes, a microbe infecting them, or damage to vital organs.
You have two cows. A hundred bazillion quadrillion years ago they were bumblebees but a series of completely natural random mutations caused them a bunch of genetic changes that at the time were meaningless. However, many people call you "evil" and would like to kill you, just because you've got better milk.
First Year U.S. History
George Washington had two cows. What contributions did his two cows make on America today?
You have two cows, but your dad can't help you milk them because in his day, they were called O-levels.
AS Philosophy 1
You have two cows, but one is merely a metaphor for the human condition.
AS Philosophy 2
You have two cows, and as a Utilitarian, does it suit the best interests of yourself and both cows to milk them, or could it be said that the interests of yourself, as a human, come above those of the cows, who are, after all, inferior to the human race? Aristotle would claim that this is correct, although Peter Singer would disagree.
AS Sociology
You have two cows. One is a Marxist, the other investigated the 'Tearoom Trade' 35 years ago.
AS Sociology
You have two cows. Your friends and family believe that the cows do not constitute a real qualification
A-level Maths
You have two cows. A notice is issued apologising that they're impossible to milk, which comes as a surprise because you managed to do so with no problem.
A-level Physics
You have two horribly-mutated cows that are supposedly easier to milk than the regular kind. Eight years and £1million later the government realises this isn't the case.
French 1
Vous avez deux vaches.
French 2
Vous avez deux vaches qui sont cools.
Spanish 1
Tu tienes dos vacas. Como estan las vacas? Muy bien. Estan en un fieldo.
Spanish 2
Tenias dos vacas, cuando tu aseo tuve una problema.
Spanish 3
Mira, porque dos vacas habran venido a las seis. Ya he comido todo el queso.
Spanish 4
Tienes dos vacas, tu madre y tu hermana, y los cuernos de tu padre.
Portuguese 1
Você tem 2 vacas.
Portuguese 2
O/A senhor/a tem propriedade de dois animais do género bovino de sexo feminino.
German 1
Sie haben zwei Kühe.
German 2
Sie haben zwei Kühe. Die Regierung nimmt die beiden für die Steuer. Jetzt sind Sie arbeitslos. Die Regierung gibt Ihnen ein Kuh zur Arbeitslosversicherung, und Sie haben freies Gesundheitswesen.
You ale being have 2 cows !! Cows are be giving miruku !! You being ale having cows ?? ^______^
You have two kawaii cows, baka! Kekekekekekekekeke! ^_______________________^ chan desu
You have two woks.
Chinese 2

All your too cwws are belong to yoo beaucse havgni too cowss.
Lbh unir gjb pbjf.
You have two cows you get stoned and the police catch you and ask if the cows are yours you answer " i own them as much as anyone can really like own anything you know what i mean comrade giraffe" The police send your cows to jail for possession of drugs.
You have two cows. One more and you're out. To solve this problem, you take steroids. You lie about taking steroids until you retire and write a book. One week before you release your book, you go on 60 Minutes and tearfully confess to using steroids but say that you didn't know what you were using.
You have two cows. They live vicariously through professional cows after they "blew out their knee" during their senior year of high school. If only the goat hadn't missed his block, the cow could have been starting QB for the Cowboys.
You have two cows. Neither cow can agree with the other as to how much milk should be made, and thus, no milk is made.
Football in Britain
You have two cows. They have married a bull, just for its looks. They cannot get on with the farm hand, and therefore are sent off the farm. Soon the farmer will sell them and buy some foreign cows. Eventually your farm sells all the local cows and produces more milk. The new cows are still as bad tempered as the other cows and are sent off the farm very regularly. You get to the top of the premiership and have loads of fans. Then another farm produces more milk than you and all your fans go to that farm.
You have to collect thirty buckets of milk with two cows remaining, while a strange man runs at you and chucks small red objects.
You have a healthy cluster of cows that you obtained by blackmailing the owner of the farm. However, the idiot cowboys keep you from getting any work done, so you arrange for them to be trampled, demand more compensation for working in such a dangerous environment, and end up with another two cows.
d00d, j00r 2 c0w5 ar3 UB3R-1337 h4x!!!!111one
1337 2
1 0wn j00r 2 c0\/\/z!!!!?!?!
1337 3rd
U |-|4\/3 7\/\/0 (0\/\/5, |)u|)3!
AOL Chat room
Savethemooses: Hey, anybody have 2 cows?
deathandbones: clay aiken is a fag
UNCTarheels: lol
Savethemooses: Anybody?
tigerclaw: y don't u stfu
Savethemooses: 2 cows, that's all I need
Something Awful Forums
You had two cows, until one of them was banned. If you want to milk your remaining cow, it'll cost you $10. If you want to drink the milk, it'll cost you a further $10. Now you're banned.

eBaums World
You have a healthy cluster of cows that you obtained by blackmailing the owner of the farm. However, the idiot cowboys keep you from getting any work done, so you arrange for them to be trampled, demand more compensation for working in such a dangerous environment, and end up with another two cows. Two cows provided by
eBaums World 2
You had two cows, until someone from EBaums World stole them. Now anytime somebody looks at the cows, your IP is spammed.
eBaums World Forums
You have two cows that refuse to acknowledge the existence of the main site but still get blamed when the main site steals something. Other cows from 4Chan can't get through the barbed wire around the ranch. One of the two cows turns out to be a bull. EvaMonkey is still British.
Konami Games
You usually start with two cows unless you enter the Konami Code (Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start) during the title screen. You now have thirty cows.
You have two cows but only if you register for the full version.
You has 2 cows.
Two Cows is in your extended network.
You have two cows on your friends list. One is named Tom (aka Richard Moodoch). 'Tom' release a bulletin scrapping suspicions that Moospace will require payment to use in a fortnight.
You have two cows that are cutting themselves and dressing up like vampires/anime cosplayers.
You have two sexual predators. They are stalking two cows.
You have two cows, but nobody understands them. You threaten to slit your wrists unless people leave you comments saying how much they love your cows.
You have two cows, but you can't see them unless you went to the same school as them. They have nothing to do but take quizzes and add apps.
Facebook 2

You have too cows. You click on them every day. Your friends wish you'd shut up.

You have two cows. One day the board administrators announce that a hacker has wiped out everyone's cows, as well as the back-up cows which were stored on the same server for some reason. They assure you they're working around the clock to restore as much of your cows as possible. Six weeks later, all they've managed to restore is one hoof and one teat, so you buy two more cows, store them on MyBB, and maintain your own back-up cows from now on.
Teaching Assistant
You have two calves. Your supervisor has one cow who manages the milk from your calves, of which you get only the amount not to drop dead. Anyhow, you get out for drinking beer and telling sordid jokes.
You have two cows, you are bought by AOL and your cows soon become irrelevant. you try to save them by marketing them with a dual ability to produce both milk and something that tastes like cough syrup, but somehow it does not work.
You have two cows (I have three).

Vandalism in Progress/Two Cows on Wheels!

           (__)  (oo)
    /-------\/   ||
   / |     ||----||
  *  ||----||    ~~
     ~~    ~~
=Cowman has 2 message centre items: (2 COWS) |Logout

You recolor two screenshots of cows and upload them. The one with the cat ears and oversized utters gets 1,000,000,000 favorites. "THX 4 THE FAV. ^_____________^;;"

This week on iCow we ask, "Is having two cows enough to keep up with the accelerating rate of agricultural change?"

You vandalized the "You have two cows" page.


“I have two cows...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Having two cows

You have two cows. Another digg user has two cows as well, He clams your cows are dupes.
Digg (2)
You have two cows. Other digg users have two cows as well. They decide that yours are not as good as theirs so they set your cows on fire and/or bury them.

You had two cows. They huffed raid. You now have no cows.


You spend your free time learning absurd phrases. You troll other people's two cows and get your two cows trolled, but you stick around for Cowturday. You did it for the MOOLZ.


You're sick of 4chan's two cows.


You have disgusting photos of two calves doing naughty things. You post them on the Internet.


You have two cows. "This is my first grass, VOTE 5!!!"

Newgrounds 2

You have two cows. You upload them only to receive comments that read "FUCK YOU MY LIVE IS GOIN BAD ATM AND ITS UR FALT" and "THIS IS FOR BABY CRAP AN GRLS I HAVENT WACHD IT BUT I NO IT IS U SUCK" and they get blammed.


You have two cows, but you can only milk them three times and you must re-authenticate them every ten days. After dairy farmers complain, the rules are changed so you can milk them five times.

RM Cowmunity Cownect 3

You have four cows. Two of them keep falling over. You are accused of pushing them over. You are not allowed to make them better, even if you are a veterinary surgeon. You are not allowed to milk them yourself. Many milking accessories that work with standard cows do not work with these cows. Meanwhile, people are not getting their milk.


You have two cows. You can raise them very easily but in a very limited number of ways. They are good at producing small amounts of milk, they start to slow down once you start demanding more. These cows are good for hobbyists but don't try to make a living off of them.


You have two cows. Buy eight more cows from us for the Bovine Manager badge.

Steam (2)
73 out of 78 people (94%) found this review helpful
4 people found this review funny
I counted how many cows.
There were two.
10/10 amazingly accurate.
Klik & Play

You're in the the 90s, and you can make your own cows out of clip-art. Is that rad or what?

Uncyclopedia presents: the You have two cows anthology!

“Where are your two cows now???”

~ The Burger King on You have two cows