You have two cows/29

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This article is part of the You have two cows series.

You have two cows. They got away with their substandard appearance for a few years before they almost singlehandedly caused all the other cows to crash in the year 1983. Not even having cows four times as productive as rival cows could save them after that, the poor bastards. Now the two cows just produce milk of varying quality which you end up selling to people with better and more profitable cows.
You breed two cows from a Steven Spielberg movie. Their amazingly low quality forces you to bury them in a New Mexico landfill, where they are laughed at by all cows to come.
You have one cow named John Mooden. People like Mooden and start buying his milk for $50 a gallon. You realize that Mooden has sold millions of gallons of milk. You buy all the other cows in your area, who have been selling less popular, higher quality milk and force them to turn out sour milk at a rate they are not accustomed to. When the a cow's milk does not sell, you shoot the cow and buy another one. Soon the milk drinking community hates your guts but continues to buy your milk anyway because it's the only milk on the market.
EA (2)
You have two cows, but due to DRM you can only milk them three times before having to phone EA to reauthenticate them, so that you can milk them one more time, before having to phone EA again.
So sure, every console can provide two cows. What we're going to do is revolutionize cows. Nowadays, it's not about how many cows you have, it's about what you can do with these cows.
Nintendo (2)
You have two cows. They were originally the best cows on the farm, producing a large amount of milk. But as the years go by it begins to just re-hash the exact same milk, over and over again until people stop caring. After this they continue to produce the same milk but does so primarily for the very young and very old people.
You start out impoverished, and are only able to build half a cow. Surprisingly, the public likes what you could do with it, and you bring out two cows. They become a global household name and you are able to afford many more cows to add to your herd. However, you are heading for bankruptcy because they are not as popular, so you risk a final venture on a cow that is many times faster than the current generation of cows, at a much lower price. The public hate it because it seems too advanced for them, and you end up impoverished again. You end up milking the cows of other farmers and curse the laws of chance.
Our console will not only provide two cows, but the cows will include wireless capability and HD technology. When you finally get it, though, it'll kill your cows, and you'll have to send it back. And it costs a fortune.
Sony (2)
Here are your two cows. You'll need a memory card. Just so you know, only two people can milk your cows at one time. Oh, and we don't offer support on our cows.
Sony (3)
You're not buying a console - You're buying two cows.
You have two cows. They're both the size of small nations. You dine on steak till you die.
Xbox 360
Xbox 360 (2)
You have two brand new cows. You become accustomed with them but after several years both of them die because of overheating.
You have two cows, they are very different from those other cows and are more precise in their grazing.
Wii (2)
You have two cows. They sometimes fail to respond to your Moomote and get stuck to the side of the screen.
Wii (3)
You have two cows. You get bored of them after five minutes. Then they produce "casual" milk that only appeals to little kids and middle-aged ladies.
Nintendo DS
You may now touch your two cows.
Nintendo DS Lite
While other people just have one cow, you have two. You touch one of them.
Nintendo DSi
You have two cows which you can touch both on a separate screen.
Playstation Portable
Your two cows eject their cud all over you. It's a feature.
Playstation 3
You used to have two cows, but now you only have half of one because you spent one and a half on your shiny new console. It breaks down a week later. Ken Kutaragi comes to your house and laughs in your face, then rants about "Historically Accurate Crabs".
Playstation 3(2)
You have two cows. You can milk them, but they can also play music, videos, DVDs, provide Internet access, cook breakfast, watch birds and launch rockets. Unless hackers bring down their online service in which case they do nothing.
Playstation 3(3)
You spend all your money on two shiny cows. They sit in the corner and mock you as you realize you can no longer afford food.
You have bought two cows for an extremely high price. Then you blink and they're not even moving at clearance prices. Blink again, and they're gone.
You have two cows. You can't even give 'em away on infomercials, and they're largely remembered for producing laughably sour milk based off grass from Nintendo's pastures. Years later, the milk becomes popular again, but only to make people laugh.
You have 64 cows, though you can only handle 16 or 32 at a time. Your cows go mad when seeing some giant box connected to the console with 3 red buttons on it.
Uncyclopedia presents: the You have two cows anthology!

“I’m going to fucking bury those two cows, I have done it before, and I will do it again. I’m going to fucking kill those cows!”

~ Steve Ballmer on You have two cows